Fandom: Gravitation
Title: Kage no shita
Rating: PG
Description: Suguru's life has always been under the light of his famous cousin? When did he learn to break through?
Disclaimer: Gravi's not mine, yadda yadda yadda...
Kage no shita (Under a shadow)
by Yui Miyamoto
All my life, there was a war that I knew I could lose pieces of myself if I wasn't careful. If I had listened to everything everyone had to say, I'd go inside.
And so, I became quiet and withdrawn from my family. Well, that and with a smile on my face.
But underneath it, I held great resentment.
It was as if I were part of the background...
Ever since I was little, I'd heard the same, unoriginal comments, but the more and more I heard them, I didn't care. But so many people were crowding around me. And who would look at me with a light under than his own?
I didn't hate him for any of it. Never.
No, we got along just fine. It was the standard I was given in comparison...
a man whose greatness surpassed many by the time he reached twenty-five-years of age.
But even before then, he was kind of like an idol, yet something that haunted me for so many years...
"Your cousin Tohma will babysit you while we're gone, okay, Sugu-kun?" my mother said as she kissed me on the forehead and left with my father to go on a mini trip. They would be back in a day or two.
I looked at him and then at his hand over mine as we waved bye-bye to my parents.
And while they were on that trip, I remember bumping into a vase, but he caught it before it fell on me. At three-years-old, I found him very cool as he dusted himself off carefully and demanded if I was all right with a calm voice.
When I was five, I walked to school with a hat, my uniform, and a backpack that my cousin had given to me as a present.
He had patted my head, saying, "I'm giving this to you so take good care of it."
Nodding happily and hugging him, I smiled.
"He gave me something," I had thought. "I'll keep it really good. Cousin said so."
As I went through school though, I dreaded it as the years went on.
All my teachers would say: "Oh, so you're Seguchi Tohma's cousin? He was such a good student. I'm sure you are too..." "Are you in a band too? You know he was in a band in high school."
Many similar comments ensued and I began to become irritated.
I thought it would be different if I tried something different such as art, but that in itself was both a blessing and a curse. A blessing because I found something I loved. It just happened that my cousin had influenced me so much that I learned some of the things he did, especially in music.
It was a curse because I was constantly told that my music was 'okay', but that if I was to get anywhere, I'd have to try harder.
The hardest thing I ever took was the blow my music teacher gave me:
"If you are ever to perfect your sound, study your cousin's music and everyone else's. Then, make your own sound."
And with that, I didn't go to lessons anymore. By the time I was thirteen, I'd taken my toll of comments and was no longer going to swallow them quietly.
So, I studied music by myself.
I didn't ask anyone anymore, especially my cousin.
It's not that I hated him for this predicament, but he'd somehow become my silent enemy. I was living under his shadow. And the only light anyone would ever see me as was filtered through his own...
This always repeated in my head.
I cried and cried for hours at the park until I couldn't cry anymore. It was no use. I would have to learn…
I would have to learn to stand up.
I had smiled and liked being compared to my cousin for a while, but the pain became too much. The standards were too high.
And being only 8 or 9 at the time, I wanted to be like him...until my music teacher said that awful comment. But in a way, I'm thankful for it.
If I didn't, I would always look up to my cousin and wish I were him. I knew his shortcomings and his weaknesses, but he always accentuated his strengths...
...and that was one lesson I'd learned from him.
/"Suguru...kun?" My cousin happened to take a relaxing walk in the park that day too. "Oi, Suguru."
Damn fate...
My cousin of twenty-nine was dressed in a red, sleeveless shirt with black pants. He always wore things that seemed strange, yet charismatic at the same time.
And he could always pull it off.
I hate how he does that...
"Mm." I turned the other way. "Yes?"
"Why are turning away?" He sat down and patted my head. "Are you mad at me?"
I want to scream 'YESSSS!" But I'm confused...
"In a way." I bluntly said in a flat tone. Continuing to hug my knees and look away in anger, I stared at the people passing by.
"Doushite?" The smile he wore vanished and then he looked at me seriously. "Tell me what's on your mind, Sugu-kun."
He hadn't called me that since I was a kid...
and this got me even more mad.
"I'm sick of it." I huffed. I stood up and turned to face him with my hands in fists. With an intensity I'd never known was inside me, I shouted something I never thought I would. Especially at him.
"I HATE YOU!"
"Huh?" He became even more confused and blinked at me with a shocked face, but was still calm as I trembled in anger and frustration. "Where'd this come from?"
"All my life, I've always been compared to you, but you know what? I'm not you. I am me." I clenched my fists tighter and whispered, "I am Fujisaki Suguru..."
My uncle's eyes narrowed into slits. "Louder, Sugu-kun."
Aah! He's calling me that again! Damn it!
"I am Fujisaki Suguru and I am..." I said again, a bit higher in volume.
As the people passed by, I didn't care if they stared. I had had it and I wasn't going to let a bunch of curious people break my concentration.
"I can't hear you, Sugu-kun." he again said, but in an even harsher tone.
"I am Fujisaki Suguru and I am not Seguchi Tohma's shadow," I said a little louder than the previous two times.
"You're too soft, Sugu-kun," my uncle monotonously said in a low tone.
Then, his voice boomed. "Louder! Are you saying this to me, or to yourself?!"
Tick.
That voice that wanted to shout all that pain from all this passed time came rushing back to me. I screamed loudly with all that I could, "I AM FUJISAKI SUGURU! AND I AM NOT SEGUCHI TOHMA'S SHADOW!"
Panting, I stopped crying. I could no longer cry.
It had finally come out.
My cousin then nodded and smiled. Shaking his head, he pushed me to go home. "No, you aren't, Suguru-kun."
For the first time, you called me 'Suguru-kun'...
When he looked at me and smiled, I realized it wasn't him at all. I'd wanted to be under his shadow. I was scared to become what wasn't acceptable to myself nor the cousin I'd deeply respected and cared for as he'd done with me.
From then on, my reserve was so hard that I could never be moved by the criticism or comments that had once pierced me as if they were arrows directed to my heart.
Though the people who compared me would never change, or these comments wouldn't ever stop, I'd learned to accept them. In fact, I ignored them readily.
+/+/+/+/+/
Three years later, my cousin asked me to join Bad Luck. And I heartily agreed.
As I look around this room as we're gathering for our third album's release party, I'm smiling widely.
"Good arrangements," everyone had commented, but they especially patted me on the back for my first song. And it happened to be playing in the background. This was tremendously encouraging on my part, though I always hid my insecurities by adapting the 'Seguchi' blood line's 'I-shall-not-falter-in-what-I-say-and-or-do' attitude. Which sometimes, I am grateful to have...
And my cousin just tipped his head.
Without words, he'd given me the biggest compliment I would ever keep inside of me.
He never put me in the background, but always pulled me to step forward...
He knew what I was saying. He always did.
I think that was one of the things that made him so awesome to me...
At my apartment, I play my song called 'After a while'. I grin and sing along...
"When the melody of yesterday played,
I couldn't help but
Repeat the theme that persisted
in the crevices of my
broken heart and I began
to cry like a child
unable to say what
I really wanted to say.
I am not your image...
I think you've been mistaken.
Break from that smile that fakes
the trueness of today.
Sayonara to yesterday's prejudices,
I can live without them
I can live without them now.
When I heard the perpetual ringing
I did nothing but cringe
Continuing a line that haunted
every part of me
and the mask that began
to break before me
When I saw beyond what was there
I killed that person
who used to me...
I was truly mistaken.
Take me to a rakuen that masquerades
the hopes of tomorrow.
Oh no, I won't accept that.
I can't live like that.
I can't live like that now.
(whispers) And from me to you
whisper louder to speak more than
I should.
I will not be quiet,
not anymore.
Break from that smile that fakes (tear it away quickly)
the trueness of today. (that seemed so thin hours ago)
Sayonara to yesterday's prejudices, (a dream forgotten in the seams)
I can live without them (I certainly can)
I can live without them now. (You just watch me.)"
Repeating the last line, I convince myself that this is true...
Owari.
-
Author's note: I just thought of this about two hours ago and just decided to write it. Suguru has become very interesting indeed.
Hope it was okay. I know, I'm into angsty fics...
2001