Author's Note: Part of this section is an adaptation of the
case section of Retribution, Part One. It's my first time adapting
someone else's work. It is by no means a complete script. Also, I changed some
lines and fixed the historical inaccuracy about the Carpathia. (Special thanks
to Carmine for pointing that one out.)
The Chief continued. "Carmen went on a series of cases pursuing Maelstrom. She came very close, but each time he evaded her grasp. Once Maelstrom decided to play a little practical joke." He floated to the wall. "See these dark stains here on the walls?"
Martin examined the paneling. "Yes. Looks like water damage."
"Maelstrom did that. During the Acme Awards Night."
[Flashback]
Julia Hopkins stood at the podium. "And the Detective of the Year is...Carmen Sandiego!" She sighed and muttered under her breath, "And to think she spilled coffee all over my expensive blouse!"
Troilus patted the life vest he wore over his tux. "I see the after-awards party is going to be a disaster."
"So foretell us something we don't know!" whispered Beatrice.
In the basement, a dark figure crossed to a complex network of water pipes. "This shouldn't be too hard to dismantle."
After the ceremony, the party began.
Maelstrom listened carefully to the noise above him and drew a wrench from his jacket pocket, then fitted it to the pipes.
It worked. The pipes burst.
"Carmen should thank me for this. She desperately needs to soak her head," Maelstrom commented. He slipped out of the basement.
Within minutes, the water level had reached the first story.
Troilus inflated the life vest.
"So that wasn't just a fashion statement?" asked Beatrice.
Carmen sighed. "I should have seen this coming! Why else would Troy wear a life vest to a party?"
"I thought the subtle approach might work!"
"Aww, cheer up, Carmen!" said Beatrice. "I always thought Acme needed a pool party!"
[Present]
"Once, Maelstrom crossed the paths of Bea and Troy," the Chief continued. "It was early August 1985."
[Flashback]
Troilus burst into Room Nine of the Acme dorms. "Carmen!"
"Troy, you're white as marble. Is there something wrong?"
Troy sighed. "You know what happens if I have a vision of the same event twice?
"Yes. It means the event is guaranteed to happen."
Troilus quivered. "I've had my most gruesome vision ever...twice. Words cannot describe the horror. I saw myself tonight. There was a crowd of people, all watching me. And I was...I was...I was kissing Beatrice!"
"And?" asked Carmen.
"Kissing Beatrice!"
"So?"
"That's it! That's the vision!"
Carmen sighed. "What do you want me to do?"
"Get Bea to swear she'd never get within an acre of me?"
"Fine. I'll talk to her at breakfast."
In a pub across town, Dr. Gunner Maelstrom was flipping through a catalog.
"What are you reading?" asked his assistant, Bilge.
Eagle Eye read the cover. "Glossary of the world's psychics and seers. What's that for?"
Maelstrom licked his finger and turned the page. "I've got a big seagoing heist in the works and I'd like to contact a seer to tell me if I'll succeed." He flipped through the pages. "Hmm. Troilus Dardandell. Acme detective. Promising, with a great future in futures. Rating four crystal balls..."
(Acme Cafeteria)
Beatrice picked up her sandwich and examined the brown glop inside. "That's what they did with the Forty-Niners' spare footballs."
Carmen took the two halves of her sandwich and stuck them beneath the lunch bench. "Bea, I was thinking of you and Troilus." She glanced over to Troilus, who was hiding behind a pillar.
"Ah, yes. What about it?"
"I think it's neat how your relationship is friendly. And you'd never push it to the next level."
"What next level?"
"You've never kissed him. And you wouldn't--"
Beatrice interrupted her. "That's it! Our love will be sealed with a kiss! I will kiss him! Tonight! He'll love it!"
Troilus slapped his forehead. "I foresee myself becoming physically ill." He clutched his stomach and ran to the men's restroom. "My first kiss will not be a lip-lock session with Beatrice." He climbed to the window, but someone pulled him down.
"Hey!"
"Hey yourself." The speaker was Maelstrom. "Have we met?"
"I know your work." Troilus turned away.
"And I know you're living in mortal fear of a kiss."
"Yeah...so?"
"I can prevent it from happening."
Troilus arched an eyebrow. "Is there a catch?
"All I ask in exchange is you work for me. Use your visions. And an occasional spy job."
"You seriously think I'm going to turn my back on Acme just so I won't have to..." Troilus cringed. "Kiss Beatrice?"
Maelstrom looked amused. "Who said anything about betraying Acme? I was thinking part-time. Say, between cases and the occasional vacations."
"I get every other Saturday off."
"Deal." Maelstrom extended his hand. "Go ahead. Make your choice. I'm a very busy man and I haven't got all day. It won't cost much -- just your incredible foresight!"
"YOU SOLD YOURSELF TO DOCTOR GUNNER MAELSTROM?!" Carmen screamed. "What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking of Beatrice's puckered lips. And how my friend Carmen wasn't doing anything to stop them!" retorted Troilus. He turned toward the exit. "I'm going home."
Carmen sighed. "All I've done so far is make it worse. But I've got to cancel the deal to Maelstrom somehow. If the kiss happens, the deal's broken. But how do I make that happen?" She thought. "One of the beginning teams brought back some arrows that were stolen from Cupid's quiver last week. I could use them!" She got up.
Troilus placed the last dish in the dishwasher. "I feel wonderful. I should have sold myself to Maelstrom years ago!"
"Sold yourself to a crook?" laughed Troilus' father, Priam. "You kids these days!"
"That's our little Troy," added Priam's wife, Hecuba. "Always making new friends."
The phone rang. Troilus answered it. "Hello?"
"Now it's time for the reciprocal --" came Maelstrom's voice.
Troilus cut him off. "Uh huh. Not yet."
"Come on! We've got a deal!"
"You get me after you prevent the kiss. According to my vision, it happens tonight. Tomorrow, I'm yours."
"But--" Maelstrom started to protest, but was met with a crash as Troilus slammed the phone down. The callbox exploded. The criminal mastermind had to duck to avoid the flying shards. "Those Acme detectives are an ornery breed."
"So, boss, how are you going to prevent that kiss?" asked Bilge.
"You can't cheat fate," added Eagle Eye.
Maelstrom took a glass vial from his jacket pocket. "One whiff of the contents of this bottle will send anyone into a deep sleep. The heart rate will slow to about one beat per minute, the pulse rate will become faint, and the breathing will become shallow."
"But the body can't live like that!" replied the assistance.
"Precisely," answered Maelstrom. "My client's Apollo will die in a couple of days. The only way to reverse the effects is a kiss of true love."
"Man...and I thought Sleeping Beauty was only a fairy tale!" muttered Bilge.
The doorbell rang, which Hecuba answered.
"Good evening. Is Troilus home?" It was Carmen.
"Troilus," Hecuba called. "There's an armed young lady here to see you."
Troilus glanced at the gold heart-tipped arrows Carmen held. "Oh, no, you don't!" He turned and ran toward the living room.
Carmen stepped into the foyer, took aim, and fired. She missed and hit a vase. "This is for your own good. Now hold still!"
Troilus picked up the vase and threw it. "You don't get it. I don't like Beatrice! I...I..." His eyes went glassy as Carmen finally struck him and held up a portrait of Beatrice. Hearts appeared in his eyes, then quickly disappeared. He turned away in revulsion. "Loathe her!"
"It wore off already?" asked Carmen. "Sheesh...he's tough." She took a handful of arrows, fitted them to the string, and shot them simultaneously.
Hearts appeared in Troilus' eyes once again. "Beatrice! My lovely creampuff! I'm yours!"
"Good thing this isn't permanent," Carmen whispered to herself as she and the hoodwinked Troilus headed toward the public park.
(A few minutes later)
"This is it," Carmen thought.
The two of them puckered up. But at the last second, Troilus stopped. His hair stood on end and he screamed. He ran away.
"That's my man!" cried Beatrice. "Hold still!"
Carmen slapped her forehead. "The arrows wore off." She plucked another one from the quiver.
"Don't you know it's rude to point arrows in public?" asked Maelstrom.
Carmen sighed. "Not you again."
Troilus ran up to him. "You're supposed to take care of this! We had a deal!"
Maelstrom pulled out the bottle and threw it in Beatrice's path. It shattered, and a puff of smoke rose. When the smoke cleared, the hapless detective was lying unconscious on the ground.
"Beatrice!" cried Carmen.
Troilus was horrified. "I didn't want to kiss her. But I didn't want her dead!"
"You didn't specify," replied Maelstrom. "Besides, she's not really dead. At least, not yet."
Carmen bent over the unconscious Beatrice and felt for a pulse. Faint, but there. "The eternal sleep thing is so last week."
Maelstrom snorted.
"Okay, shut up. Here's the scoop," Carmen continued. "She's not dead. She can be awakened. But only by a kiss from the one she loves."
"You're kidding, right?" asked Troilus. He turned to Maelstrom. "She is kidding, right?"
"Well...no," replied Maelstrom. "But you can't--"
"Hey, you stay out of this!" snapped Carmen.
Troilus sighed as a confused crowd started to gather. "Which one am I going to choose? To pucker up or let her snooze? Either way, I'm in a crunch. I'll lose my job or launch my lunch." He sighed again. "Just like the vision." He bent over and kissed Beatrice on the lips, then wiped his mouth.
The awakened Beatrice didn't notice. "A real fairy tale ending."
Grimm, thought Troilus.
Maelstrom snarled and ran toward the park's equipment shed, climbing up the side ladder.
Carmen climbed after him. "Oh, no, you don't!"
"Wanna bet?" Maelstrom poured grease on the ladder's rung.
Carmen slipped and crashed to the ground. "Blast! I had him and he got away!"
Beatrice ran toward Troilus. "How about another smooch?"
"No! That was the first and last!"
"Come on!"
"First and last!"
"I was asleep the first time!"
[Present]
"If acting goofy were a crime," the Chief commented. "Beatrice Quack would be sentenced to life in Sing Sing. As for Maelstrom, Carmen's hard work paid off in late August."
[Flashback]
(University of Liverpool, England)
Doctor Gunner Maelstrom quietly opened a file cabinet. Flipping through the contents carefully, removed a logbook. Slipping it in his coat, he kept alert for anything that might catch him off-guard.
There was a clank of metal meeting metal. Carmen Sandiego had attached a grappling hook to the overhead chandelier and swung in, knocking over a henchman in the process.
"You!"
"Sorry, Maelstrom. Library's closed. And your card has expired."
Thinking fast, the thief shoved a cart of library books.
This was no obstacle for the detective, who easily vaulted over it. "I'm afraid our little cat and mouse game is finally over, Dr. Maelstrom."
"Are you certain, Detective Sandiego?"
A henchman attempted to attack Carmen from behind, but she swiftly knocked over a globe.
Another henchman fired a harpoon gun, which hit the light switch. The lights flickered. Carmen shoved the copy machine over, used it to knock her assailant off his feet, and pushed the copy button.
Maelstrom had used this opportunity to toss a bomb and parachute out the window. He floated towards a waiting truck. Detective Sandiego swung back down and borrowed a motorbike from a nearby motorist, then sped after him. She caught up with him in the riverfront.
"You Acme detectives are a persistent breed," Maelstrom commented. He pushed a button. The truck cab transformed into a motorboat, which zoomed off and vanished.
Carmen was left behind, fuming. "Blast! How does he design those awesome vehicles?"
Later that night, Carmen sat before her computer, feverishly tapping at the keys.
"Maelstrom got away again?" asked the Inspector.
"It doesn't add up. Here's a brilliant marine archaeologist gone bad. A man obsessed with stealing ocean treasures, loot from sunken ships, and suddenly he steals a simple logbook."
"What's so strange about that?"
"Why steal navigation records from seventy-odd years ago? The ship it belonged to, the Carpathian, simply carried passengers before sinking in 1918." Carmen slammed her fist down. "The answer's got to be here somewhere!"
The Inspector chuckled. "You and your computer. I tell ya--"
"Inspector, if I was half as high-tech as Maelstrom, I'd have had him by now."
"Well, the boys at Headquarters seemed to agree with you, Carmen. They slapped together a little something to even the odds. Introducing your new partner, Acme's very own Computer Holographic Imaging Educational Facilitator-- Affectionately known as Chief."
Chief walked (or stumbled, rather) over. "Detective Sandiego! What an honor! Aaah! An open window!" The robot clumsily fell out. There was frantic cat meow followed by a metallic crash.
Carmen shook her head. "What a partner."
A few minutes later, Carmen almost had Chief back into working order. "And let me assure you, Detective Sandiego. I am state of the art, user friendly --Oh, did I mention I'm cable-ready? Oh, wait. There's more. I guarantee you could not find a partner that's more alert, more vigilant, more --" Chief stopped short and slumped forward.
"Uh, Chief?"
"Forgive me for disabling your little toy, Carmen." Maelstrom's face appeared on Chief's screen.
"Ach. How did you intercept his secured frequency?"
"Knowledge is power, Carmen."
"You're an epidemic on society, Maelstrom. And I'm about to become the cure."
"Oh, you're a fool if you believe the reason you hunt me is to see me stopped. We both live for the game. We're two sides of the same coin, you and I."
Carmen gasped. "No! Never!"
"Only I'm willing to admit the art of the theft is what compels me."
"All that compels you is greed."
"That lofty moral superiority will someday crumble like the walls of Jericho. Then you will see what I see in you." Maelstrom stopped as Bilge whispered in his ear. "What?"
Bilge whispered something unintelligible and handed his boss a piece of paper. He then left.
Maelstrom turned his attention back to Carmen. "You are a thief at heart, Carmen, and right now it's my freedom you're trying to steal. Who knows what you'll crave next, hmm?"
He cut off.
Chief woke up as if nothing had happened. "More alert. Say, Carmen, you look a little green. Getting enough roughage?"
"Chief! Maelstrom just broke in on your frequency. Do you have video playback?"
Chief pushed a button on his console.
"Turn up the volume!"
Bilge's words were now clear: "We intercepted this message, Boss. Jason arrives in Sydney Harbor."
"Nice job. Now we just need to figure out who Jason is."
"Now, listen up, culture lovers! We've got the pioneer Jason Lee. We've got that heartthrob Jason and the Argonauts from Greek mythology."
"Any Jasons with a more contemporary oceangoing theme, Chief?"
"Word is there's a new underwater robot camera named Jason Junior, developed by oceanographers to explore the sea in places that would be way too deep for you humans to swim. (Bunch of weenies!) It can photograph the deepest oceans -- where it's so dark, some creatures, like viperfish, actually produce their own light."
"Jason sounds like a perfect tool for Maelstrom's usual underwater heists."
"And according to my chest, Jason Junior -- or JJ my man, as we fellow robots like to call him -- is due to arrive and be tested in Sydney Harbor tomorrow.
Carmen brightened. "Well, Chief. Let's pack our toothbrushes and head for Australia -- the Land Down Under."
"Augh! Augh!" screamed Chief, apparently acrophobic.
[Sydney Harbor]
"I'm afraid Captain Fredericks is a little tied up today," Maelstrom said slyly, signing the papers for Jason Junior.
"Boss!" called Bilge. "Have you seen what they got down there in the tank? That thing gives me the creepy-crawlies!"
"Merely a specimen of genus Architeuthis, Bilge, collected by our marine biologist friends below," replied Maelstrom calmly. "Now prepare to cast off."
A car pulled up to the dock. The driver, Carmen, looked up to see the ship departing. She growled in frustration.
"Well, I guess we missed the boat," Chief said cheerily. "We'll just have to call Harbor Patrol."
Carmen ignored him. "Chief, take the wheel."
"But Carmen, I'm not programmed for driving!"
Carmen ignored him and parachuted down to the mast of Maelstrom's ship.
Chief landed beside her.
"I thought I told you to take the wheel!"
Chief laughed nervously and held up the steering wheel. "I did."
"Oh, boy." Carmen stood up to defend herself from more of the henchmen.
Chief tried to join in, but was attracted to a hanging magnet.
One of the henchmen kicked Carmen, sending her to the tank below.
The specimen of genus Architeuthis, or giant squid, wrapped its tentacles around the sleuth.
"Oh my gosh! Hang on, Carmen!" Chief unscrewed his arm and fell into the tank. "Give her up, you overgrown sushi!"
The squid released Carmen, who floated back up to the surface.
Chief used his control panel to electrocute the giant squid, who released a cloud of black ink.
"Are we heroes yet?"
"Fraid not, Chief."
Carmen dried off her hair. "Chief, run your video memory of Maelstrom's getaway one more time."
"Again?"
"I've run it five times already! Can't we just rent Hello, Dolly?"
Carmen watched the footage. "Those flags! Ships use flags like those to send messages to each other."
"But according to my database on the International Signal Code, those flags don't mean anything!"
"What if it's a private code? Infoscan colors."
"That covers a lot of territory, Carmen."
"I swear, it's almost as if Maelstrom's taunting me. Wait a minute. Maelstrom is a fantastic pool player. I nearly cornered him at a French billiards tournament."
"Ah, billiards. The table-top game of royalty can be traced back to the fifteenth century, when King Louis XI was known to have purchased a billiard table."
"See how each ball has a number painted on it? What if Maelstrom's color code was really a number code based on billiard ball colors? Purple is four, yellow is one, four, three, four, nine, five, six."
"Wow, that just about clears up everything."
"And we're looking for a destination."
"So the numbers could mean Latitude 41, 43 minutes; Longitude 49, 56minutes. And since he was heading northwest--"
"Maelstrom stole the Carpathia's log back in Liverpool. Did the Carpathiaever cross this part of the North Atlantic?"
"Wasn't on the Carpathia's usual route. Oh, except for one night in 1912.A passenger liner sank that very spot, and the Carpathia went off course to rescue the survivors."
"Oh my gosh, Chief! He's going to steal the sunken ship Titanic! He'll desecrate a memorial to those who lost their lives in that tragedy."
"And there you have it, gentlemen," Maelstrom was explaining to his cronies. "Descending in nuclear submersibles, we will attach magnetic pontoons to the Titanic's hull. Then activate the self-inflating pontoons. The Titanic will rise, like Venus from the sea."
Bilge was unimpressed. "All this just to get some old boat?"
"Fool! The Titanic was the largest and finest ship of her day! Unsinkable, they called her. So certain were they that on her maiden voyage, they neglected to include enough lifeboats for all passengers. Then at twenty minutes to midnight on April 14th, 1912, she struck an iceberg and sank. There were 705survivors, but over 1500 drowned, making it the greatest seagoing disaster of all time. Countless explorers have tried to locate the wreckage of the doomed ship. All have failed. Until now. But using the log of the rescue ship Carpathia, I tracked the currents of that day and calculated they were strong enough to carry the sinking Titanic due east, far from where everyone else suspected. I am about to carry out the greatest seagoing theft of all time."
(Later)
"Follow me in the red submarine, Bilge," instructed Maelstrom as he boarded his own submarine.
"Right, boss."
Maelstrom promptly went under.
A plane passed overhead.
"It's Carmen Sandiego!" announced Bilge.
"Chief, take the controls." Carmen was dressed in a wetsuit.
"Again?! I told you I'm not programmed for--"
Chief's words fell on deaf ears as Carmen leaped onto a jet ski. "Ah, the reception committee," she whispered as she ducked the henchmen.
Her luck ran out. The jet ski ran out of gas, and Bilge's boat was speeding towards her. "Oh, boy." Thinking quickly, she leaped onto the jetski bars and knocked the henchmen out of the boat. "That's why you're the henchmen and not the boss."
Chief crashed the plane as Carmen reached the red submarine and dove in.
"Right on target!" Maelstrom announced. "The Titanic!" He released a few pontoons. "Bilge? Are you there? The Titanic broke in two as it sank. The other half could be anywhere! We'll need more pontoons."
"That won't be necessary, Doctor," came Carmen's voice. "TheTitanic's not going anywhere!"
"You will regret this, Carmen!" Maelstrom fired torpedoes, but missed.
Unfortunately, Carmen's submarine became wedged in pieces of the broken ship. "Come on," she moaned.
"Wedged in, my dear?" came Maelstrom's mocking tone. "Allow me to blast you out."
"Maelstrom, you're a madman!" Carmen pressed a button. A pontoon landed on Maelstrom's submarine and inflated.
"What's going on?"
"Just hoisting you up on your own pontoon, Doctor,"
Carmen's submarine rose.
"Hey, detective!" cried Chief. "We bagged our limit!" Maelstrom and his assistants had been netted.
[Present]
"So Maelstrom went to Folsom State Prison, and I got to ditch the clumsy body," finished the Chief. "But Detective Sandiego's adventures didn't end there, nosiree Bob!"
"Well, don't just float there!" Martin replied. "Get to them!"
"NO!" screamed Carmen, running in. She moaned. "Martin, how could you?"
"Aww. Can you blame me for wondering what you were like in your wonder years?"
Carmen blushed. "No matter what the Chief says, Beatrice and Troilus aren't as nuts as they look. It's all I can say to thank them for the insights they gave me."
The Chief still looked doubtful. "But a deal with Maelstrom over a fear of osculation? Isn't that a bit much? As I remember it, a few weeks passed uneventfully after the capture of Maelstrom. But Carmen gained a new partner."
[Flashback]
(Acme Cafeteria)
Beatrice stuck a straw into her milk carton and sipped. "Blech. The milk's warm." She threw the carton behind her. It was met with a shriek. Beatrice turned. "Sorry, Prina."
Prina Lott, once the girlfriend of Daley Bred and just as snotty, snarled and aimed a biscuit. It missed and conked another detective, who tossed back bacon strips.
Within five minutes, a food fight was in full swing.
Suddenly, the doors opened. An elderly Asian man came in. The food fight instantly ceased.
Carmen was amazed. "Who is that?"
Troilus didn't bother to look up from his scrambled eggs. "Oh, that's Suhara. I foresee you'll get to know him better."
[Present]
"And Troilus was right as usual," the Chief added. "Suhara and Carmen became partners and worked on several cases together. By the time she was seventeen, Carmen had solved more cases than any other Acme detective."
Carmen got up. "Excuse me." She walked out of the room and approached a telephone, then dialed. "Zack? Ivy? I have a job for you."
case section of Retribution, Part One. It's my first time adapting
someone else's work. It is by no means a complete script. Also, I changed some
lines and fixed the historical inaccuracy about the Carpathia. (Special thanks
to Carmine for pointing that one out.)
The Chief continued. "Carmen went on a series of cases pursuing Maelstrom. She came very close, but each time he evaded her grasp. Once Maelstrom decided to play a little practical joke." He floated to the wall. "See these dark stains here on the walls?"
Martin examined the paneling. "Yes. Looks like water damage."
"Maelstrom did that. During the Acme Awards Night."
[Flashback]
Julia Hopkins stood at the podium. "And the Detective of the Year is...Carmen Sandiego!" She sighed and muttered under her breath, "And to think she spilled coffee all over my expensive blouse!"
Troilus patted the life vest he wore over his tux. "I see the after-awards party is going to be a disaster."
"So foretell us something we don't know!" whispered Beatrice.
In the basement, a dark figure crossed to a complex network of water pipes. "This shouldn't be too hard to dismantle."
After the ceremony, the party began.
Maelstrom listened carefully to the noise above him and drew a wrench from his jacket pocket, then fitted it to the pipes.
It worked. The pipes burst.
"Carmen should thank me for this. She desperately needs to soak her head," Maelstrom commented. He slipped out of the basement.
Within minutes, the water level had reached the first story.
Troilus inflated the life vest.
"So that wasn't just a fashion statement?" asked Beatrice.
Carmen sighed. "I should have seen this coming! Why else would Troy wear a life vest to a party?"
"I thought the subtle approach might work!"
"Aww, cheer up, Carmen!" said Beatrice. "I always thought Acme needed a pool party!"
[Present]
"Once, Maelstrom crossed the paths of Bea and Troy," the Chief continued. "It was early August 1985."
[Flashback]
Troilus burst into Room Nine of the Acme dorms. "Carmen!"
"Troy, you're white as marble. Is there something wrong?"
Troy sighed. "You know what happens if I have a vision of the same event twice?
"Yes. It means the event is guaranteed to happen."
Troilus quivered. "I've had my most gruesome vision ever...twice. Words cannot describe the horror. I saw myself tonight. There was a crowd of people, all watching me. And I was...I was...I was kissing Beatrice!"
"And?" asked Carmen.
"Kissing Beatrice!"
"So?"
"That's it! That's the vision!"
Carmen sighed. "What do you want me to do?"
"Get Bea to swear she'd never get within an acre of me?"
"Fine. I'll talk to her at breakfast."
In a pub across town, Dr. Gunner Maelstrom was flipping through a catalog.
"What are you reading?" asked his assistant, Bilge.
Eagle Eye read the cover. "Glossary of the world's psychics and seers. What's that for?"
Maelstrom licked his finger and turned the page. "I've got a big seagoing heist in the works and I'd like to contact a seer to tell me if I'll succeed." He flipped through the pages. "Hmm. Troilus Dardandell. Acme detective. Promising, with a great future in futures. Rating four crystal balls..."
(Acme Cafeteria)
Beatrice picked up her sandwich and examined the brown glop inside. "That's what they did with the Forty-Niners' spare footballs."
Carmen took the two halves of her sandwich and stuck them beneath the lunch bench. "Bea, I was thinking of you and Troilus." She glanced over to Troilus, who was hiding behind a pillar.
"Ah, yes. What about it?"
"I think it's neat how your relationship is friendly. And you'd never push it to the next level."
"What next level?"
"You've never kissed him. And you wouldn't--"
Beatrice interrupted her. "That's it! Our love will be sealed with a kiss! I will kiss him! Tonight! He'll love it!"
Troilus slapped his forehead. "I foresee myself becoming physically ill." He clutched his stomach and ran to the men's restroom. "My first kiss will not be a lip-lock session with Beatrice." He climbed to the window, but someone pulled him down.
"Hey!"
"Hey yourself." The speaker was Maelstrom. "Have we met?"
"I know your work." Troilus turned away.
"And I know you're living in mortal fear of a kiss."
"Yeah...so?"
"I can prevent it from happening."
Troilus arched an eyebrow. "Is there a catch?
"All I ask in exchange is you work for me. Use your visions. And an occasional spy job."
"You seriously think I'm going to turn my back on Acme just so I won't have to..." Troilus cringed. "Kiss Beatrice?"
Maelstrom looked amused. "Who said anything about betraying Acme? I was thinking part-time. Say, between cases and the occasional vacations."
"I get every other Saturday off."
"Deal." Maelstrom extended his hand. "Go ahead. Make your choice. I'm a very busy man and I haven't got all day. It won't cost much -- just your incredible foresight!"
"YOU SOLD YOURSELF TO DOCTOR GUNNER MAELSTROM?!" Carmen screamed. "What were you thinking?"
"I was thinking of Beatrice's puckered lips. And how my friend Carmen wasn't doing anything to stop them!" retorted Troilus. He turned toward the exit. "I'm going home."
Carmen sighed. "All I've done so far is make it worse. But I've got to cancel the deal to Maelstrom somehow. If the kiss happens, the deal's broken. But how do I make that happen?" She thought. "One of the beginning teams brought back some arrows that were stolen from Cupid's quiver last week. I could use them!" She got up.
Troilus placed the last dish in the dishwasher. "I feel wonderful. I should have sold myself to Maelstrom years ago!"
"Sold yourself to a crook?" laughed Troilus' father, Priam. "You kids these days!"
"That's our little Troy," added Priam's wife, Hecuba. "Always making new friends."
The phone rang. Troilus answered it. "Hello?"
"Now it's time for the reciprocal --" came Maelstrom's voice.
Troilus cut him off. "Uh huh. Not yet."
"Come on! We've got a deal!"
"You get me after you prevent the kiss. According to my vision, it happens tonight. Tomorrow, I'm yours."
"But--" Maelstrom started to protest, but was met with a crash as Troilus slammed the phone down. The callbox exploded. The criminal mastermind had to duck to avoid the flying shards. "Those Acme detectives are an ornery breed."
"So, boss, how are you going to prevent that kiss?" asked Bilge.
"You can't cheat fate," added Eagle Eye.
Maelstrom took a glass vial from his jacket pocket. "One whiff of the contents of this bottle will send anyone into a deep sleep. The heart rate will slow to about one beat per minute, the pulse rate will become faint, and the breathing will become shallow."
"But the body can't live like that!" replied the assistance.
"Precisely," answered Maelstrom. "My client's Apollo will die in a couple of days. The only way to reverse the effects is a kiss of true love."
"Man...and I thought Sleeping Beauty was only a fairy tale!" muttered Bilge.
The doorbell rang, which Hecuba answered.
"Good evening. Is Troilus home?" It was Carmen.
"Troilus," Hecuba called. "There's an armed young lady here to see you."
Troilus glanced at the gold heart-tipped arrows Carmen held. "Oh, no, you don't!" He turned and ran toward the living room.
Carmen stepped into the foyer, took aim, and fired. She missed and hit a vase. "This is for your own good. Now hold still!"
Troilus picked up the vase and threw it. "You don't get it. I don't like Beatrice! I...I..." His eyes went glassy as Carmen finally struck him and held up a portrait of Beatrice. Hearts appeared in his eyes, then quickly disappeared. He turned away in revulsion. "Loathe her!"
"It wore off already?" asked Carmen. "Sheesh...he's tough." She took a handful of arrows, fitted them to the string, and shot them simultaneously.
Hearts appeared in Troilus' eyes once again. "Beatrice! My lovely creampuff! I'm yours!"
"Good thing this isn't permanent," Carmen whispered to herself as she and the hoodwinked Troilus headed toward the public park.
(A few minutes later)
"This is it," Carmen thought.
The two of them puckered up. But at the last second, Troilus stopped. His hair stood on end and he screamed. He ran away.
"That's my man!" cried Beatrice. "Hold still!"
Carmen slapped her forehead. "The arrows wore off." She plucked another one from the quiver.
"Don't you know it's rude to point arrows in public?" asked Maelstrom.
Carmen sighed. "Not you again."
Troilus ran up to him. "You're supposed to take care of this! We had a deal!"
Maelstrom pulled out the bottle and threw it in Beatrice's path. It shattered, and a puff of smoke rose. When the smoke cleared, the hapless detective was lying unconscious on the ground.
"Beatrice!" cried Carmen.
Troilus was horrified. "I didn't want to kiss her. But I didn't want her dead!"
"You didn't specify," replied Maelstrom. "Besides, she's not really dead. At least, not yet."
Carmen bent over the unconscious Beatrice and felt for a pulse. Faint, but there. "The eternal sleep thing is so last week."
Maelstrom snorted.
"Okay, shut up. Here's the scoop," Carmen continued. "She's not dead. She can be awakened. But only by a kiss from the one she loves."
"You're kidding, right?" asked Troilus. He turned to Maelstrom. "She is kidding, right?"
"Well...no," replied Maelstrom. "But you can't--"
"Hey, you stay out of this!" snapped Carmen.
Troilus sighed as a confused crowd started to gather. "Which one am I going to choose? To pucker up or let her snooze? Either way, I'm in a crunch. I'll lose my job or launch my lunch." He sighed again. "Just like the vision." He bent over and kissed Beatrice on the lips, then wiped his mouth.
The awakened Beatrice didn't notice. "A real fairy tale ending."
Grimm, thought Troilus.
Maelstrom snarled and ran toward the park's equipment shed, climbing up the side ladder.
Carmen climbed after him. "Oh, no, you don't!"
"Wanna bet?" Maelstrom poured grease on the ladder's rung.
Carmen slipped and crashed to the ground. "Blast! I had him and he got away!"
Beatrice ran toward Troilus. "How about another smooch?"
"No! That was the first and last!"
"Come on!"
"First and last!"
"I was asleep the first time!"
[Present]
"If acting goofy were a crime," the Chief commented. "Beatrice Quack would be sentenced to life in Sing Sing. As for Maelstrom, Carmen's hard work paid off in late August."
[Flashback]
(University of Liverpool, England)
Doctor Gunner Maelstrom quietly opened a file cabinet. Flipping through the contents carefully, removed a logbook. Slipping it in his coat, he kept alert for anything that might catch him off-guard.
There was a clank of metal meeting metal. Carmen Sandiego had attached a grappling hook to the overhead chandelier and swung in, knocking over a henchman in the process.
"You!"
"Sorry, Maelstrom. Library's closed. And your card has expired."
Thinking fast, the thief shoved a cart of library books.
This was no obstacle for the detective, who easily vaulted over it. "I'm afraid our little cat and mouse game is finally over, Dr. Maelstrom."
"Are you certain, Detective Sandiego?"
A henchman attempted to attack Carmen from behind, but she swiftly knocked over a globe.
Another henchman fired a harpoon gun, which hit the light switch. The lights flickered. Carmen shoved the copy machine over, used it to knock her assailant off his feet, and pushed the copy button.
Maelstrom had used this opportunity to toss a bomb and parachute out the window. He floated towards a waiting truck. Detective Sandiego swung back down and borrowed a motorbike from a nearby motorist, then sped after him. She caught up with him in the riverfront.
"You Acme detectives are a persistent breed," Maelstrom commented. He pushed a button. The truck cab transformed into a motorboat, which zoomed off and vanished.
Carmen was left behind, fuming. "Blast! How does he design those awesome vehicles?"
Later that night, Carmen sat before her computer, feverishly tapping at the keys.
"Maelstrom got away again?" asked the Inspector.
"It doesn't add up. Here's a brilliant marine archaeologist gone bad. A man obsessed with stealing ocean treasures, loot from sunken ships, and suddenly he steals a simple logbook."
"What's so strange about that?"
"Why steal navigation records from seventy-odd years ago? The ship it belonged to, the Carpathian, simply carried passengers before sinking in 1918." Carmen slammed her fist down. "The answer's got to be here somewhere!"
The Inspector chuckled. "You and your computer. I tell ya--"
"Inspector, if I was half as high-tech as Maelstrom, I'd have had him by now."
"Well, the boys at Headquarters seemed to agree with you, Carmen. They slapped together a little something to even the odds. Introducing your new partner, Acme's very own Computer Holographic Imaging Educational Facilitator-- Affectionately known as Chief."
Chief walked (or stumbled, rather) over. "Detective Sandiego! What an honor! Aaah! An open window!" The robot clumsily fell out. There was frantic cat meow followed by a metallic crash.
Carmen shook her head. "What a partner."
A few minutes later, Carmen almost had Chief back into working order. "And let me assure you, Detective Sandiego. I am state of the art, user friendly --Oh, did I mention I'm cable-ready? Oh, wait. There's more. I guarantee you could not find a partner that's more alert, more vigilant, more --" Chief stopped short and slumped forward.
"Uh, Chief?"
"Forgive me for disabling your little toy, Carmen." Maelstrom's face appeared on Chief's screen.
"Ach. How did you intercept his secured frequency?"
"Knowledge is power, Carmen."
"You're an epidemic on society, Maelstrom. And I'm about to become the cure."
"Oh, you're a fool if you believe the reason you hunt me is to see me stopped. We both live for the game. We're two sides of the same coin, you and I."
Carmen gasped. "No! Never!"
"Only I'm willing to admit the art of the theft is what compels me."
"All that compels you is greed."
"That lofty moral superiority will someday crumble like the walls of Jericho. Then you will see what I see in you." Maelstrom stopped as Bilge whispered in his ear. "What?"
Bilge whispered something unintelligible and handed his boss a piece of paper. He then left.
Maelstrom turned his attention back to Carmen. "You are a thief at heart, Carmen, and right now it's my freedom you're trying to steal. Who knows what you'll crave next, hmm?"
He cut off.
Chief woke up as if nothing had happened. "More alert. Say, Carmen, you look a little green. Getting enough roughage?"
"Chief! Maelstrom just broke in on your frequency. Do you have video playback?"
Chief pushed a button on his console.
"Turn up the volume!"
Bilge's words were now clear: "We intercepted this message, Boss. Jason arrives in Sydney Harbor."
"Nice job. Now we just need to figure out who Jason is."
"Now, listen up, culture lovers! We've got the pioneer Jason Lee. We've got that heartthrob Jason and the Argonauts from Greek mythology."
"Any Jasons with a more contemporary oceangoing theme, Chief?"
"Word is there's a new underwater robot camera named Jason Junior, developed by oceanographers to explore the sea in places that would be way too deep for you humans to swim. (Bunch of weenies!) It can photograph the deepest oceans -- where it's so dark, some creatures, like viperfish, actually produce their own light."
"Jason sounds like a perfect tool for Maelstrom's usual underwater heists."
"And according to my chest, Jason Junior -- or JJ my man, as we fellow robots like to call him -- is due to arrive and be tested in Sydney Harbor tomorrow.
Carmen brightened. "Well, Chief. Let's pack our toothbrushes and head for Australia -- the Land Down Under."
"Augh! Augh!" screamed Chief, apparently acrophobic.
[Sydney Harbor]
"I'm afraid Captain Fredericks is a little tied up today," Maelstrom said slyly, signing the papers for Jason Junior.
"Boss!" called Bilge. "Have you seen what they got down there in the tank? That thing gives me the creepy-crawlies!"
"Merely a specimen of genus Architeuthis, Bilge, collected by our marine biologist friends below," replied Maelstrom calmly. "Now prepare to cast off."
A car pulled up to the dock. The driver, Carmen, looked up to see the ship departing. She growled in frustration.
"Well, I guess we missed the boat," Chief said cheerily. "We'll just have to call Harbor Patrol."
Carmen ignored him. "Chief, take the wheel."
"But Carmen, I'm not programmed for driving!"
Carmen ignored him and parachuted down to the mast of Maelstrom's ship.
Chief landed beside her.
"I thought I told you to take the wheel!"
Chief laughed nervously and held up the steering wheel. "I did."
"Oh, boy." Carmen stood up to defend herself from more of the henchmen.
Chief tried to join in, but was attracted to a hanging magnet.
One of the henchmen kicked Carmen, sending her to the tank below.
The specimen of genus Architeuthis, or giant squid, wrapped its tentacles around the sleuth.
"Oh my gosh! Hang on, Carmen!" Chief unscrewed his arm and fell into the tank. "Give her up, you overgrown sushi!"
The squid released Carmen, who floated back up to the surface.
Chief used his control panel to electrocute the giant squid, who released a cloud of black ink.
"Are we heroes yet?"
"Fraid not, Chief."
Carmen dried off her hair. "Chief, run your video memory of Maelstrom's getaway one more time."
"Again?"
"I've run it five times already! Can't we just rent Hello, Dolly?"
Carmen watched the footage. "Those flags! Ships use flags like those to send messages to each other."
"But according to my database on the International Signal Code, those flags don't mean anything!"
"What if it's a private code? Infoscan colors."
"That covers a lot of territory, Carmen."
"I swear, it's almost as if Maelstrom's taunting me. Wait a minute. Maelstrom is a fantastic pool player. I nearly cornered him at a French billiards tournament."
"Ah, billiards. The table-top game of royalty can be traced back to the fifteenth century, when King Louis XI was known to have purchased a billiard table."
"See how each ball has a number painted on it? What if Maelstrom's color code was really a number code based on billiard ball colors? Purple is four, yellow is one, four, three, four, nine, five, six."
"Wow, that just about clears up everything."
"And we're looking for a destination."
"So the numbers could mean Latitude 41, 43 minutes; Longitude 49, 56minutes. And since he was heading northwest--"
"Maelstrom stole the Carpathia's log back in Liverpool. Did the Carpathiaever cross this part of the North Atlantic?"
"Wasn't on the Carpathia's usual route. Oh, except for one night in 1912.A passenger liner sank that very spot, and the Carpathia went off course to rescue the survivors."
"Oh my gosh, Chief! He's going to steal the sunken ship Titanic! He'll desecrate a memorial to those who lost their lives in that tragedy."
"And there you have it, gentlemen," Maelstrom was explaining to his cronies. "Descending in nuclear submersibles, we will attach magnetic pontoons to the Titanic's hull. Then activate the self-inflating pontoons. The Titanic will rise, like Venus from the sea."
Bilge was unimpressed. "All this just to get some old boat?"
"Fool! The Titanic was the largest and finest ship of her day! Unsinkable, they called her. So certain were they that on her maiden voyage, they neglected to include enough lifeboats for all passengers. Then at twenty minutes to midnight on April 14th, 1912, she struck an iceberg and sank. There were 705survivors, but over 1500 drowned, making it the greatest seagoing disaster of all time. Countless explorers have tried to locate the wreckage of the doomed ship. All have failed. Until now. But using the log of the rescue ship Carpathia, I tracked the currents of that day and calculated they were strong enough to carry the sinking Titanic due east, far from where everyone else suspected. I am about to carry out the greatest seagoing theft of all time."
(Later)
"Follow me in the red submarine, Bilge," instructed Maelstrom as he boarded his own submarine.
"Right, boss."
Maelstrom promptly went under.
A plane passed overhead.
"It's Carmen Sandiego!" announced Bilge.
"Chief, take the controls." Carmen was dressed in a wetsuit.
"Again?! I told you I'm not programmed for--"
Chief's words fell on deaf ears as Carmen leaped onto a jet ski. "Ah, the reception committee," she whispered as she ducked the henchmen.
Her luck ran out. The jet ski ran out of gas, and Bilge's boat was speeding towards her. "Oh, boy." Thinking quickly, she leaped onto the jetski bars and knocked the henchmen out of the boat. "That's why you're the henchmen and not the boss."
Chief crashed the plane as Carmen reached the red submarine and dove in.
"Right on target!" Maelstrom announced. "The Titanic!" He released a few pontoons. "Bilge? Are you there? The Titanic broke in two as it sank. The other half could be anywhere! We'll need more pontoons."
"That won't be necessary, Doctor," came Carmen's voice. "TheTitanic's not going anywhere!"
"You will regret this, Carmen!" Maelstrom fired torpedoes, but missed.
Unfortunately, Carmen's submarine became wedged in pieces of the broken ship. "Come on," she moaned.
"Wedged in, my dear?" came Maelstrom's mocking tone. "Allow me to blast you out."
"Maelstrom, you're a madman!" Carmen pressed a button. A pontoon landed on Maelstrom's submarine and inflated.
"What's going on?"
"Just hoisting you up on your own pontoon, Doctor,"
Carmen's submarine rose.
"Hey, detective!" cried Chief. "We bagged our limit!" Maelstrom and his assistants had been netted.
[Present]
"So Maelstrom went to Folsom State Prison, and I got to ditch the clumsy body," finished the Chief. "But Detective Sandiego's adventures didn't end there, nosiree Bob!"
"Well, don't just float there!" Martin replied. "Get to them!"
"NO!" screamed Carmen, running in. She moaned. "Martin, how could you?"
"Aww. Can you blame me for wondering what you were like in your wonder years?"
Carmen blushed. "No matter what the Chief says, Beatrice and Troilus aren't as nuts as they look. It's all I can say to thank them for the insights they gave me."
The Chief still looked doubtful. "But a deal with Maelstrom over a fear of osculation? Isn't that a bit much? As I remember it, a few weeks passed uneventfully after the capture of Maelstrom. But Carmen gained a new partner."
[Flashback]
(Acme Cafeteria)
Beatrice stuck a straw into her milk carton and sipped. "Blech. The milk's warm." She threw the carton behind her. It was met with a shriek. Beatrice turned. "Sorry, Prina."
Prina Lott, once the girlfriend of Daley Bred and just as snotty, snarled and aimed a biscuit. It missed and conked another detective, who tossed back bacon strips.
Within five minutes, a food fight was in full swing.
Suddenly, the doors opened. An elderly Asian man came in. The food fight instantly ceased.
Carmen was amazed. "Who is that?"
Troilus didn't bother to look up from his scrambled eggs. "Oh, that's Suhara. I foresee you'll get to know him better."
[Present]
"And Troilus was right as usual," the Chief added. "Suhara and Carmen became partners and worked on several cases together. By the time she was seventeen, Carmen had solved more cases than any other Acme detective."
Carmen got up. "Excuse me." She walked out of the room and approached a telephone, then dialed. "Zack? Ivy? I have a job for you."