Disclaimer: I don't own them and it would be pointless to sue me anyway.
I'm broke! I also don't own the song "Try to Remember" out of the musical
The Fantastiks which is where this title comes from.
Author's note: This story is a companion piece to "Never Forget," detailing the thoughts and emotions Harm felt immediatlely after he realized Mac loved him up until Bethy's birth. And as a side note, since it's from his POV, at times he'll be harder on himself than I would be on him myself… in other words, everything he says is not my opinion of him.
Prologue
July 2003
My name is Harmon Rabb, Jr, and I'm an idiot. I know that's not a typical way to introduce yourself, but I think you'll understand after you've heard my story.
I'm in love, and I just got married two weeks ago. I imagine that confused you even more, so I'll continue. I didn't marry the woman I'm in love with. I can see you're starting to comprehend, but that's only the middle of the story. Let me go back to the beginning.
Chapter 1
Sarah Mackenzie turned my life upside down from the moment I met her. She pivoted to face me on the curb outside the White House Rose Garden, and I was speechless. After all, it isn't everyday you meet someone identical to your dead girlfriend.
But as I got to know Mac, I stopped thinking of Dianne every time I saw her. Then she helped me bring Dianne's killer to justice, even though I tried to take care of it without her.
To this day I'm not 100% certain who I was kissing that cold night in Norfolk. When she stepped out of the mist dressed in Navy whites, she looked like Dianne come back from the grave, and when she said she understood I was kissing my lost love goodbye, it was easier to agree than to examine my emotions.
Hm… I wonder… If I was kissing Dianne, who was Mac kissing? That's an interesting question which I'm sure has an equally intriguing answer. Now if only I'd thought to ask it years ago.
Anyway, from that moment on, I always chose to bury what I might feel for her behind our friendship and our working relationship. Let's see… there was the time on the Watertown when she wanted to talk about why we were getting along and I brushed her off. That was far from the worst of my mistakes, but it was still a mistake.
And then there was the way I didn't tell her I was going back to active flight status until I'd made my decision—didn't even tell her about having my eyes repaired! At the time I was afraid (yes I can admit to being afraid) of her reaction. She'd already given me a great argument for staying on the ground a few weeks before my surgery, and I figured she'd be disappointed in me for wanting to go back. So instead, I made all the arrangements and then told her, not thinking about how that might make her feel.
It's only been in the last year or so that I've understood how big of a mistake that really was. If I'd thought about it from her perspective for a moment, I might have realized that she felt like I was abandoning her by practically sneaking away like that. She even said she felt like everyone was leaving her, and I said nothing to make her feel better. And then in my office when we were saying goodbye? I could have said something more than "What's love got to do with it?" Of course, at the time I didn't know I was falling in love with her, but I could have told her I was going to miss her and that I wasn't leaving her I was leaving JAG.
Because of that misunderstanding, our relationship was rocky when I got back. Looking back at it, I think she was afraid to let me back into her life after I'd just walked out. After a few months, it seemed like everything we'd had before I left was just a dream, that those emotions which had been so close to the surface must have been imagined. That's why what happened in Sydney was such a shock.
Ah yes, Sydney. My shining moment. Here's a piece of advice for guys everywhere: When the woman of your dreams bares her heart to you, make certain she understands what you say in response. I honestly wasn't trying to push her away completely, I was just begging for time. When she asked me if I was only this way with her, I thought that meant she'd understood that I wanted her, but that I wanted to have it all—including the friendship we still had yet to regain.
But as I found out a few days later, she didn't understand any of that. How do I know, you ask? Well I think it's safe to say that if she had, she wouldn't have shown up at the airport wearing Mic Brumby's ring, even on her right hand.
At the time, I thought that meant that… Well, I don't know what I thought it meant exactly, but I was glad I'd decided not to risk our friendship on something more when… like I said, I don't know when what, but somehow I thought this meant I'd made the right decision. Of course, I didn't know then that I was in love with her, I just thought it was "something."
But over the next 15 months, our friendship fizzled away to almost nothing. I was pretty antagonistic toward Mic and that irritated her, and I couldn't understand why she didn't see him as I did and that drove her away. There's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it.
When you add the fact that it was about a year after she took the ring and right after she moved it over to her left hand that I realized that I don't just care for her or love her like a friend, I'm in love with her… well I'm sure you can imagine how I felt. Somedays I don't know if I should thank Kate or kill her for making me see my feelings for Mac. It sure made my life complicated.
I have been told though that I have a way of making simple things complicated. That night on the Admiral's porch when we finally started talking; that was a night to remember. Of course it would have had to be at her engagement party, we never could do things the normal way. I tried to let her know how I feel without just saying, "Sarah, I love you and I think you should marry me instead." As much as I wanted to do just that, it wasn't my place to make the decision for her. I could only hope to be as clear as possible and leave the decision up to her.
And then that kiss! That soul searing, heart racing blood pounding kiss. Without a doubt, the best 18 seconds of my life. For one brief moment I thought we'd done it—we'd gotten through all the muck and mire of misunderstanding and found each other on the other side. But then she stepped away from me and said, "We're getting too good at saying good-bye," and I was struck dumb. I wanted to tell her it hadn't been goodbye for me, but I suddenly realized that she had made her choice, and it wasn't me.
If I hadn't splashed my Tomcat in the Pacific when I tried to get back for her wedding, Sarah would now be Sarah Brumby. No, she didn't leave Mic at the altar because she realized she didn't love him as much as she loved me… he left her because of that. I never have heard exactly what happened, but from what she's told me, her postponement of their wedding and reluctance to reschedule just brought home for him that our relationship… well that there was something about our relationship that he couldn't compete with and he was tired of trying.
The night that he left, I wanted to finally tell her how I feel. When he found her at my apartment and told her he was leaving, I started to tell her. She was so upset that he just couldn't get past us and I told her, "Maybe that's because we can't get past it." And then when she called crying from the airport, I knew it was time. "Come to me," I told her, trying to convey in that one phrase how much I love her and want to be the one who is there for her.
But she got there just minutes after Renee. Renee, my girlfriend. I guess I haven't told you about her yet. I can't really tell you why I started dating her or how we stayed together as long as we did. That night I wanted nothing more than to tell her it was over and get her out of the way before Mac got there. But her father had died and she needed me. As much as I hated it, we were still together and I had an obligation. I couldn't just dump her on one of the worst nights of her life.
So when Mac got there I told her what was going on. She looked so… tired. Tired of hurting, tired of having to be the strong one. I wanted nothing more than to hold her and let her cry, but Renee started to wake up from her tear induced nap, and there was no time. Before Mac left, she seemed to pull herself together and she told me we'd talk when I got back. So I let her go alone and turned back to Renee. I know I didn't really have a choice in the matter, but that one action took away our chance together.
At least that's the way it seemed when I got back and discovered she'd gone TAD in the Indian Ocean. She didn't write and wouldn't talk to me on the phone, so I decided to go out there and force her to talk. I realize now that was the wrong move, but at the time I was so anxious to tell her how I felt that I wasn't thinking clearly.
To say our conversation didn't go well would be putting it mildly. She felt pressured and went into cross-examination mode, and I got defensive and clammed up. I can't tell you why I didn't just say, "Of course I'd give Renee up! Do you think I'd be here to talk about us if I was still planning to string along another woman?" At the very least, that would have put the ball in her court and she would have had to answer my question—what would you do if I did? But instead I held back, and when I did answer she had already left the room.
I went back to Washington a few days later, not knowing if we were even friends anymore. The one thing I was resolved to do was break up with Renee, but she beat me to the punch on that one. I have to say I never expected her to marry a mortician, but then nothing much was going as I expected. After watching the embassy Mac was at get taken over by extremists and not knowing from moment to moment if she was ok, I was even more certain that I wanted there to be an us. But here is Renee, telling me that my one chance at a peace offering with Sarah has already flown away. Unfortunately, it just got worse.
When Mac got back, our relationship was more strained than it was after I came back from flying. I still wanted to talk to her, but she still wasn't ready. All the tension came bubbling to the surface during the JAGathon. I said so many things that week that I wish I could take back, and of course there's the one thing I didn't tell her that I should have. Oh, make that two things. I never told her about Renee, she had to hear that from someone else. And I didn't tell her how I felt.
I was sure the end of the race marked the end of us, and I told her so. But for the first time in over three months, she gave me hope that maybe we could find each other again, if we took our relationship back to the beginning, back to the friendship that had sparked these feelings.
I realize now as I look back at the time between my crash and the JAGathon that if we had tried to get together it would have been an unmitigated disaster. She was still reeling from losing her fiancée and she needed time to sort that out. I needed to get Renee out of my life. Together, we needed to have friendship, a friendship which we had lost over the last two years.
We spent the next few months rebuilding that friendship, and I found myself asking the same question. Can I risk our friendship in hopes of something more? There were so many times when it seemed like it would be the right decision. The kiss under the mistletoe, the moments of light hearted banter over cases, when she told me on the Seahawk that she actually understands how I feel when I'm at sea… so many times.
And yet after all that something held me back. I finally realized what it was after I said goodnight after my flight and tried to go to sleep. We had successfully gone back to the beginning and rebuilt our friendship. This time it was even stronger and more durable than it had been before, because the understanding between us was based upon five years of knowing each other. Having that friendship and understanding in my life was the most important thing in my world, and I couldn't risk giving it up on the chance of something more.
I know that sounds cowardly and self centered. The cowardly part I won't argue, although I will say I had good precedent to think going after a relationship would destroy our friendship. It was not a self-centered move though. I knew that Mac valued our friendship as much or more as I did. I knew that we both needed each other and if we were to lose that it would be hard to regain our bearings and go back to life as it was before. I chose not to take that away for her or from myself, instead I focused all my energy on strengthening our friendship even more.
And I succeeded. Over that spring and summer, our friendship grew beyond what it had been before into… into something that is hard for me to even describe. I guess the only way to put it is that we were more than friends, but not more than more than friends. Oh, the feelings were still there, but they remained buried, hidden in my heart.
And then one cold October day that all changed. I met Jess.
Author's note: This story is a companion piece to "Never Forget," detailing the thoughts and emotions Harm felt immediatlely after he realized Mac loved him up until Bethy's birth. And as a side note, since it's from his POV, at times he'll be harder on himself than I would be on him myself… in other words, everything he says is not my opinion of him.
Prologue
July 2003
My name is Harmon Rabb, Jr, and I'm an idiot. I know that's not a typical way to introduce yourself, but I think you'll understand after you've heard my story.
I'm in love, and I just got married two weeks ago. I imagine that confused you even more, so I'll continue. I didn't marry the woman I'm in love with. I can see you're starting to comprehend, but that's only the middle of the story. Let me go back to the beginning.
Chapter 1
Sarah Mackenzie turned my life upside down from the moment I met her. She pivoted to face me on the curb outside the White House Rose Garden, and I was speechless. After all, it isn't everyday you meet someone identical to your dead girlfriend.
But as I got to know Mac, I stopped thinking of Dianne every time I saw her. Then she helped me bring Dianne's killer to justice, even though I tried to take care of it without her.
To this day I'm not 100% certain who I was kissing that cold night in Norfolk. When she stepped out of the mist dressed in Navy whites, she looked like Dianne come back from the grave, and when she said she understood I was kissing my lost love goodbye, it was easier to agree than to examine my emotions.
Hm… I wonder… If I was kissing Dianne, who was Mac kissing? That's an interesting question which I'm sure has an equally intriguing answer. Now if only I'd thought to ask it years ago.
Anyway, from that moment on, I always chose to bury what I might feel for her behind our friendship and our working relationship. Let's see… there was the time on the Watertown when she wanted to talk about why we were getting along and I brushed her off. That was far from the worst of my mistakes, but it was still a mistake.
And then there was the way I didn't tell her I was going back to active flight status until I'd made my decision—didn't even tell her about having my eyes repaired! At the time I was afraid (yes I can admit to being afraid) of her reaction. She'd already given me a great argument for staying on the ground a few weeks before my surgery, and I figured she'd be disappointed in me for wanting to go back. So instead, I made all the arrangements and then told her, not thinking about how that might make her feel.
It's only been in the last year or so that I've understood how big of a mistake that really was. If I'd thought about it from her perspective for a moment, I might have realized that she felt like I was abandoning her by practically sneaking away like that. She even said she felt like everyone was leaving her, and I said nothing to make her feel better. And then in my office when we were saying goodbye? I could have said something more than "What's love got to do with it?" Of course, at the time I didn't know I was falling in love with her, but I could have told her I was going to miss her and that I wasn't leaving her I was leaving JAG.
Because of that misunderstanding, our relationship was rocky when I got back. Looking back at it, I think she was afraid to let me back into her life after I'd just walked out. After a few months, it seemed like everything we'd had before I left was just a dream, that those emotions which had been so close to the surface must have been imagined. That's why what happened in Sydney was such a shock.
Ah yes, Sydney. My shining moment. Here's a piece of advice for guys everywhere: When the woman of your dreams bares her heart to you, make certain she understands what you say in response. I honestly wasn't trying to push her away completely, I was just begging for time. When she asked me if I was only this way with her, I thought that meant she'd understood that I wanted her, but that I wanted to have it all—including the friendship we still had yet to regain.
But as I found out a few days later, she didn't understand any of that. How do I know, you ask? Well I think it's safe to say that if she had, she wouldn't have shown up at the airport wearing Mic Brumby's ring, even on her right hand.
At the time, I thought that meant that… Well, I don't know what I thought it meant exactly, but I was glad I'd decided not to risk our friendship on something more when… like I said, I don't know when what, but somehow I thought this meant I'd made the right decision. Of course, I didn't know then that I was in love with her, I just thought it was "something."
But over the next 15 months, our friendship fizzled away to almost nothing. I was pretty antagonistic toward Mic and that irritated her, and I couldn't understand why she didn't see him as I did and that drove her away. There's more to it than that, but that's the gist of it.
When you add the fact that it was about a year after she took the ring and right after she moved it over to her left hand that I realized that I don't just care for her or love her like a friend, I'm in love with her… well I'm sure you can imagine how I felt. Somedays I don't know if I should thank Kate or kill her for making me see my feelings for Mac. It sure made my life complicated.
I have been told though that I have a way of making simple things complicated. That night on the Admiral's porch when we finally started talking; that was a night to remember. Of course it would have had to be at her engagement party, we never could do things the normal way. I tried to let her know how I feel without just saying, "Sarah, I love you and I think you should marry me instead." As much as I wanted to do just that, it wasn't my place to make the decision for her. I could only hope to be as clear as possible and leave the decision up to her.
And then that kiss! That soul searing, heart racing blood pounding kiss. Without a doubt, the best 18 seconds of my life. For one brief moment I thought we'd done it—we'd gotten through all the muck and mire of misunderstanding and found each other on the other side. But then she stepped away from me and said, "We're getting too good at saying good-bye," and I was struck dumb. I wanted to tell her it hadn't been goodbye for me, but I suddenly realized that she had made her choice, and it wasn't me.
If I hadn't splashed my Tomcat in the Pacific when I tried to get back for her wedding, Sarah would now be Sarah Brumby. No, she didn't leave Mic at the altar because she realized she didn't love him as much as she loved me… he left her because of that. I never have heard exactly what happened, but from what she's told me, her postponement of their wedding and reluctance to reschedule just brought home for him that our relationship… well that there was something about our relationship that he couldn't compete with and he was tired of trying.
The night that he left, I wanted to finally tell her how I feel. When he found her at my apartment and told her he was leaving, I started to tell her. She was so upset that he just couldn't get past us and I told her, "Maybe that's because we can't get past it." And then when she called crying from the airport, I knew it was time. "Come to me," I told her, trying to convey in that one phrase how much I love her and want to be the one who is there for her.
But she got there just minutes after Renee. Renee, my girlfriend. I guess I haven't told you about her yet. I can't really tell you why I started dating her or how we stayed together as long as we did. That night I wanted nothing more than to tell her it was over and get her out of the way before Mac got there. But her father had died and she needed me. As much as I hated it, we were still together and I had an obligation. I couldn't just dump her on one of the worst nights of her life.
So when Mac got there I told her what was going on. She looked so… tired. Tired of hurting, tired of having to be the strong one. I wanted nothing more than to hold her and let her cry, but Renee started to wake up from her tear induced nap, and there was no time. Before Mac left, she seemed to pull herself together and she told me we'd talk when I got back. So I let her go alone and turned back to Renee. I know I didn't really have a choice in the matter, but that one action took away our chance together.
At least that's the way it seemed when I got back and discovered she'd gone TAD in the Indian Ocean. She didn't write and wouldn't talk to me on the phone, so I decided to go out there and force her to talk. I realize now that was the wrong move, but at the time I was so anxious to tell her how I felt that I wasn't thinking clearly.
To say our conversation didn't go well would be putting it mildly. She felt pressured and went into cross-examination mode, and I got defensive and clammed up. I can't tell you why I didn't just say, "Of course I'd give Renee up! Do you think I'd be here to talk about us if I was still planning to string along another woman?" At the very least, that would have put the ball in her court and she would have had to answer my question—what would you do if I did? But instead I held back, and when I did answer she had already left the room.
I went back to Washington a few days later, not knowing if we were even friends anymore. The one thing I was resolved to do was break up with Renee, but she beat me to the punch on that one. I have to say I never expected her to marry a mortician, but then nothing much was going as I expected. After watching the embassy Mac was at get taken over by extremists and not knowing from moment to moment if she was ok, I was even more certain that I wanted there to be an us. But here is Renee, telling me that my one chance at a peace offering with Sarah has already flown away. Unfortunately, it just got worse.
When Mac got back, our relationship was more strained than it was after I came back from flying. I still wanted to talk to her, but she still wasn't ready. All the tension came bubbling to the surface during the JAGathon. I said so many things that week that I wish I could take back, and of course there's the one thing I didn't tell her that I should have. Oh, make that two things. I never told her about Renee, she had to hear that from someone else. And I didn't tell her how I felt.
I was sure the end of the race marked the end of us, and I told her so. But for the first time in over three months, she gave me hope that maybe we could find each other again, if we took our relationship back to the beginning, back to the friendship that had sparked these feelings.
I realize now as I look back at the time between my crash and the JAGathon that if we had tried to get together it would have been an unmitigated disaster. She was still reeling from losing her fiancée and she needed time to sort that out. I needed to get Renee out of my life. Together, we needed to have friendship, a friendship which we had lost over the last two years.
We spent the next few months rebuilding that friendship, and I found myself asking the same question. Can I risk our friendship in hopes of something more? There were so many times when it seemed like it would be the right decision. The kiss under the mistletoe, the moments of light hearted banter over cases, when she told me on the Seahawk that she actually understands how I feel when I'm at sea… so many times.
And yet after all that something held me back. I finally realized what it was after I said goodnight after my flight and tried to go to sleep. We had successfully gone back to the beginning and rebuilt our friendship. This time it was even stronger and more durable than it had been before, because the understanding between us was based upon five years of knowing each other. Having that friendship and understanding in my life was the most important thing in my world, and I couldn't risk giving it up on the chance of something more.
I know that sounds cowardly and self centered. The cowardly part I won't argue, although I will say I had good precedent to think going after a relationship would destroy our friendship. It was not a self-centered move though. I knew that Mac valued our friendship as much or more as I did. I knew that we both needed each other and if we were to lose that it would be hard to regain our bearings and go back to life as it was before. I chose not to take that away for her or from myself, instead I focused all my energy on strengthening our friendship even more.
And I succeeded. Over that spring and summer, our friendship grew beyond what it had been before into… into something that is hard for me to even describe. I guess the only way to put it is that we were more than friends, but not more than more than friends. Oh, the feelings were still there, but they remained buried, hidden in my heart.
And then one cold October day that all changed. I met Jess.