Author's notes: Thank you for all the positive feedback, I especially
appreciated the person who said they could hear Harm saying this. I enjoy
getting into the characters' minds—figure I ought to put my three semesters
as a psych major to use somehow—and I'm glad to know I succeeded in doing
so.
Disclaimer: Does anyone really think I own them? If so, did you eat paint chips as a child? C'mon, we all know they belong to Don and Co, although I do like to borrow Harm when Don isn't watching.
bChapter 2/b
When I met Jess, a relationship was the last thing on my mind. It wasn't exactly that I was planning to stay single for the rest of my life—"If I can't have Sarah, I don't want anyone."—it was simply that I hadn't thought about it. I asked her out on a whim. The case we were arguing was over and she commented wryly that obviously her client wasn't going to be taking her out to dinner as he'd planned. I offered to take her instead.
We had a good time, just talking and getting to know each other. And yet as I sat with her, I couldn't help but compare her to Mac. I think that was what made me ask for her number; I was tired of living like that, of always thinking of Mac and wishing I could be with her when I knew that could never happen. So in retaliation against my wayward thoughts, I asked her for her number, and we went out again later that week.
In the beginning, I didn't expect us to become involved. If I'm completely honest, I probably wouldn't have asked her out again if Mac hadn't been so busy with her case that I never saw her. But she was, and I wanted someone to talk to, just another person to share dinner with. So we went out again, and again after that, and before I knew it we were in a relationship.
I made a decision right from the start that I wouldn't leave Jess wondering about Mac and I. The friendship that we have has always caused tension in my relationships, and Jess deserves better than that. Of course, so did Annie, Jordan, and Renee, but I can't undo the past. I wish I could right now though, oh how I wish I could.
You see this paper in my hand? It's a note from Mac telling me… letting me know that she still loves me. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I got involved with another woman—married another woman—when the woman I'm in love with still loved me. Loves me, not loved… she loves me. So believe me, "If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time…"
But I can't, so let's get back to the story. Things were a bit precarious when Mac found out about Jess. No, I didn't tell her from the start and yes I should have. I just didn't know how to. Plus, I was determined to make this relationship work and for that to happen, I needed her to like Jess.
I did not intend for her to find out accidentally like that, "just happening" to see us together at McMurphy's. When I got to her place and she didn't open the door, I knew I was in trouble. I guess I could have used my key, but I don't think she would have qualified this as an emergency. It's never a good idea to burst in on an angry Marine… believe me, this is the voice of experience speaking.
So instead I turned to persuasion. "We need to talk, Sarah," I said. I don't use her first name that often, most of the time I just call her Mac. But at times when I need her to know that I'm serious about something in our relationship, she's Sarah. This time she understood my point, but she was still cold.
At the time, I was too worried about her being mad at me to notice, but she was more upset than really would have made sense, if it was only the fact that I didn't tell her that was bothering her. I see now that she was hurt that I was dating someone else… if only I'd seen that earlier.
I didn't even notice when her initial reaction to Jess was so distant. Sure, she warmed up by the end of the evening, but it took work on her part. Not even the way she began to distance herself from me registered in my mind.
Until after I proposed, that is. I'd been thinking about it for about a month, even taken the time to talk to Mac about it. She is my best friend after all, who else is a guy going to tell that he's planning to propose to his girlfriend. And when I called her the next day to tell her Jess had said yes, she seemed happy for me.
But then she was so distant later. At the time I figured… well to be honest I was at a loss. I had no clue why she would pull herself away from me, from our friendship like that. Looking back though, knowing what I know, I know exactly why. I know because it's what I did when she got engaged to Brumby. I just couldn't let myself be as close to her, knowing that she would never be mine.
Ironically, it was at my engagement party that I first got an inkling as to what her feelings might be… or rather might still be. If I could pick any night in the last year to go back and redo, it would be that one.
biFlashbacki/b
I guess I just never thought I'd be celebrating your engagement," she said.
He smiled briefly and replied, "Life does have a way of surprising you."
"Yeah I guess. Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she asked suddenly.
"The Admiral once gave me some good advice—"Don't look back." I did then and wished I hadn't. The fact is you can never change the past, you can only deal with how it effects the present."
"You're dropping chaff again Hammer… answer the question."
"I can't Sarah… please don't ask me to," he begged softly.
Their eyes held for a long moment before Mac looked away. "You'd better go in, I'm sure your bride is wondering why you're spending all evening in the garden with the best man."
"Are you coming Mac?" he asked as he stood to go in.
"I'll be there in a minute… please go," she requested.
bEnd Flashback/b/i
Right then I wanted so much to tell her how I felt, that if I could change one thing in my life it would be the way we always seemed to avoid the issue of "us." But I'd made myself a promise that I wouldn't hurt her by bringing that all up again, even though it seemed like there was a chance she felt the same way.
I guess that seems pretty incomprehensible. I love her, she might love me, why did I back away? It was partly because just inside was Jess, the woman I was going to marry. Sometimes I hate it, but I am an honorable person at the core. Honorable people do not make avowals of love at their engagement party to anyone besides their fiancée.
But even more than that, it was fear. Fear that I would lay myself on the line and she would look at me and say "What did you do that for?" or even worse, "It's too late Harm." I knew it was probably too late—even if she still had feelings for me, our time was past—but I couldn't stomach the thought of hearing her actually isay/i it.
So I made a mistake. Instead of telling her then, I waited until it was most certainly too late. After the engagement party, I couldn't get her words out of my mind, and I knew that I had to tell her how I felt. I still couldn't handle the fear of rejection though, so I wrote her a letter telling her that I love her and that there's a part of me that will never forget her. I placed it on her desk late Friday night before the wedding. The next day I got married and went on my honeymoon.
Today is my first day back at work, and I was a little nervous as I came in. I knew that she would make her reaction to my confession clear, at least to me, and I didn't know what that reaction would be. I walked into my office and set down my cover and briefcase before I noticed the note on my desk. It was short simple and to the point.
"H-
Never.
-M"
Now I know that to most people that would be indiscernible, but coming from her, this person who knows me better than anyone else in the world (not excluding my wife), it means that she loves me and is making that same promise, to never forget what might have been.
"Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these—it might have been." Let me tell you, there are no truer words. Setting the note back down on my desk, I look up and see her standing there. The look of pain she has kills me, all the more because I know it's my fault.
"I'm sorry," I say softly, pushing her hair back from her face.
"I know," she replies simply. "I forgive you." With those few words of reconciliation, we step into each other's arms for a hug. This time, I'm the one crying. Smiling gently, she lifts her hand and wipes the tear away. "We'll live Harm… you'll see." And with that she walks out, leaving me alone to ponder my mistake.
Disclaimer: Does anyone really think I own them? If so, did you eat paint chips as a child? C'mon, we all know they belong to Don and Co, although I do like to borrow Harm when Don isn't watching.
bChapter 2/b
When I met Jess, a relationship was the last thing on my mind. It wasn't exactly that I was planning to stay single for the rest of my life—"If I can't have Sarah, I don't want anyone."—it was simply that I hadn't thought about it. I asked her out on a whim. The case we were arguing was over and she commented wryly that obviously her client wasn't going to be taking her out to dinner as he'd planned. I offered to take her instead.
We had a good time, just talking and getting to know each other. And yet as I sat with her, I couldn't help but compare her to Mac. I think that was what made me ask for her number; I was tired of living like that, of always thinking of Mac and wishing I could be with her when I knew that could never happen. So in retaliation against my wayward thoughts, I asked her for her number, and we went out again later that week.
In the beginning, I didn't expect us to become involved. If I'm completely honest, I probably wouldn't have asked her out again if Mac hadn't been so busy with her case that I never saw her. But she was, and I wanted someone to talk to, just another person to share dinner with. So we went out again, and again after that, and before I knew it we were in a relationship.
I made a decision right from the start that I wouldn't leave Jess wondering about Mac and I. The friendship that we have has always caused tension in my relationships, and Jess deserves better than that. Of course, so did Annie, Jordan, and Renee, but I can't undo the past. I wish I could right now though, oh how I wish I could.
You see this paper in my hand? It's a note from Mac telling me… letting me know that she still loves me. Yeah, I'm an idiot. I got involved with another woman—married another woman—when the woman I'm in love with still loved me. Loves me, not loved… she loves me. So believe me, "If I Could Turn Back the Hands of Time…"
But I can't, so let's get back to the story. Things were a bit precarious when Mac found out about Jess. No, I didn't tell her from the start and yes I should have. I just didn't know how to. Plus, I was determined to make this relationship work and for that to happen, I needed her to like Jess.
I did not intend for her to find out accidentally like that, "just happening" to see us together at McMurphy's. When I got to her place and she didn't open the door, I knew I was in trouble. I guess I could have used my key, but I don't think she would have qualified this as an emergency. It's never a good idea to burst in on an angry Marine… believe me, this is the voice of experience speaking.
So instead I turned to persuasion. "We need to talk, Sarah," I said. I don't use her first name that often, most of the time I just call her Mac. But at times when I need her to know that I'm serious about something in our relationship, she's Sarah. This time she understood my point, but she was still cold.
At the time, I was too worried about her being mad at me to notice, but she was more upset than really would have made sense, if it was only the fact that I didn't tell her that was bothering her. I see now that she was hurt that I was dating someone else… if only I'd seen that earlier.
I didn't even notice when her initial reaction to Jess was so distant. Sure, she warmed up by the end of the evening, but it took work on her part. Not even the way she began to distance herself from me registered in my mind.
Until after I proposed, that is. I'd been thinking about it for about a month, even taken the time to talk to Mac about it. She is my best friend after all, who else is a guy going to tell that he's planning to propose to his girlfriend. And when I called her the next day to tell her Jess had said yes, she seemed happy for me.
But then she was so distant later. At the time I figured… well to be honest I was at a loss. I had no clue why she would pull herself away from me, from our friendship like that. Looking back though, knowing what I know, I know exactly why. I know because it's what I did when she got engaged to Brumby. I just couldn't let myself be as close to her, knowing that she would never be mine.
Ironically, it was at my engagement party that I first got an inkling as to what her feelings might be… or rather might still be. If I could pick any night in the last year to go back and redo, it would be that one.
biFlashbacki/b
I guess I just never thought I'd be celebrating your engagement," she said.
He smiled briefly and replied, "Life does have a way of surprising you."
"Yeah I guess. Harm, if you could go back and do one thing differently, what would it be?" she asked suddenly.
"The Admiral once gave me some good advice—"Don't look back." I did then and wished I hadn't. The fact is you can never change the past, you can only deal with how it effects the present."
"You're dropping chaff again Hammer… answer the question."
"I can't Sarah… please don't ask me to," he begged softly.
Their eyes held for a long moment before Mac looked away. "You'd better go in, I'm sure your bride is wondering why you're spending all evening in the garden with the best man."
"Are you coming Mac?" he asked as he stood to go in.
"I'll be there in a minute… please go," she requested.
bEnd Flashback/b/i
Right then I wanted so much to tell her how I felt, that if I could change one thing in my life it would be the way we always seemed to avoid the issue of "us." But I'd made myself a promise that I wouldn't hurt her by bringing that all up again, even though it seemed like there was a chance she felt the same way.
I guess that seems pretty incomprehensible. I love her, she might love me, why did I back away? It was partly because just inside was Jess, the woman I was going to marry. Sometimes I hate it, but I am an honorable person at the core. Honorable people do not make avowals of love at their engagement party to anyone besides their fiancée.
But even more than that, it was fear. Fear that I would lay myself on the line and she would look at me and say "What did you do that for?" or even worse, "It's too late Harm." I knew it was probably too late—even if she still had feelings for me, our time was past—but I couldn't stomach the thought of hearing her actually isay/i it.
So I made a mistake. Instead of telling her then, I waited until it was most certainly too late. After the engagement party, I couldn't get her words out of my mind, and I knew that I had to tell her how I felt. I still couldn't handle the fear of rejection though, so I wrote her a letter telling her that I love her and that there's a part of me that will never forget her. I placed it on her desk late Friday night before the wedding. The next day I got married and went on my honeymoon.
Today is my first day back at work, and I was a little nervous as I came in. I knew that she would make her reaction to my confession clear, at least to me, and I didn't know what that reaction would be. I walked into my office and set down my cover and briefcase before I noticed the note on my desk. It was short simple and to the point.
"H-
Never.
-M"
Now I know that to most people that would be indiscernible, but coming from her, this person who knows me better than anyone else in the world (not excluding my wife), it means that she loves me and is making that same promise, to never forget what might have been.
"Of all the words of tongue and pen, the saddest are these—it might have been." Let me tell you, there are no truer words. Setting the note back down on my desk, I look up and see her standing there. The look of pain she has kills me, all the more because I know it's my fault.
"I'm sorry," I say softly, pushing her hair back from her face.
"I know," she replies simply. "I forgive you." With those few words of reconciliation, we step into each other's arms for a hug. This time, I'm the one crying. Smiling gently, she lifts her hand and wipes the tear away. "We'll live Harm… you'll see." And with that she walks out, leaving me alone to ponder my mistake.