AN: I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get the next part out, the store
opened this week and life got way more hectic. Surprisingly, I've had an
easy time writing Alias fic though… The lyrics at the end are from the song
"Try to Remember" out of the musical The Fantastiks.
Chapter 3
I didn't want to leave. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted, and that was why I knew I had to do it. As much as I love Sarah, she and I can never belong to each other and the sooner we realize that the easier life will be. I knew that for myself I would never fully come to grips with that reality if I saw her everyday… I had to leave.
So I discussed it with Jess, and she agreed. I requested a transfer, and two weeks later we were in sunny California. That is the one good thing about this—I've missed being in California.
I miss Mac more though. Letters are nice, but it just isn't the same as seeing her or talking to her. I'm not sure my plan is working. Maybe it will just take time, time to ease out of her life and take my place on the fringes. But what if I don't want to be on the fringes? Sometimes Rabb, you do what's right instead of what you want.
April 2004
It's been eight months since I've seen her, and four since we talked. I think I'm finally getting used to the idea of us just being friends. Even the emotion in our letters has gradually softened into less than what it was.
So far today has been a quiet day. Jess is still at work—she only has a few more weeks before she goes on maternity leave, and she wants to get as much done as possible. I just got home and I'm flipping through the mail. Hey, there's a card here from Bud and Harriet, I wonder what's going on in their lives?
"Come celebrate AJ's fifth birthday with us!" Five years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship… I never thought it would be like this! What's going through her mind? She's remembered this the whole time, with her sense of timing. I have to talk to her, tell her I didn't just forget about our deal.
Picking up the phone, I dial a number I still have memorized even after four months. "Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answers.
"Hello Sarah," I reply quietly. My mind is racing. What exactly am I going to say? I should have thought this out more before I called.
"Harm? Is anything wrong, you sound funny?"
"No, it's just been a long day," I tell her, lying through my teeth.
"So what's up?" she asks.
"I just got AJ's birthday invitation today, and I was hoping you'd tell him I'm sorry I'll miss it." Hey, I'm a lawyer, I can think on my feet. Hopefully this will tell her that I remembered and that I'm sorry once again for… well for being stupid.
"Of course I will Harm… and I'm sure he'll be glad you remembered. You'd better call him yourself though."
"Yeah, of course… well, that was all I wanted to say. Bye Mac, talk to you later," I said and hung up. She understood what I meant, why I was calling. Mac always was able to hear what I wasn't saying.
The following Saturday
I feel a moment of disorientation when I wake up, and then I remember. Last night I made some little off the wall comment to Jess, and somehow between my frazzled nerves with the Jefferson case and her emotions, it turned into a "If you really feel that way you can go stay at your mom's tonight" fight. Sighing, I get up and take a shower before I decide how I should go about giving my penance so I can come home today.
After breakfast, I take a walk on the beach to clear my head. Just when I turned to head in, my cell phone rang. Looking at the call id, I realize that Sarah is on the other end. "Yes Sarah?" I say as I answer it.
"Hey Harm… wait a minute, where are you?" she asks.
"I'm at the beach outside my parent's place. Jess kicked me out last night," I tell her with a laugh.
"Uh-oh… what did you do to anger your pregnant wife?"
"Nothing major… just commented on how the nice April day didn't feel that hot to me. Apparently, that was not the right opinion to voice. It'll be fine by this evening, although I suspect I'd better get used to my old bedroom since I'll probably be here a lot over the next few months."
Mac laughed at that. "Yeah, telling a pregnant woman it's not hot isn't the wisest move, but I'm sure you'll make worse mistakes. Don't forget this is all your fault," she teased.
"Haha, thanks Mac. Hey, were you calling for a reason, or just to make fun of me?" I ask her, pretending to pout.
I can hear her taking a deep breath, getting ready for whatever she has to tell me. Mentally I brace myself, knowing I probably won't like it. "I have a reason… Harm, I need you to stop calling me Sarah," she requests.
In the five seconds before she spoke, thousands of possibilities went through my mind—I'm getting married, I got transferred, I just found out I have cancer—but not this. I never would have expected this. "I thought you liked that," I reply quietly.
"I do Harm, a little too much. When you call me Sarah, it's just one more reminder that I'm alone. Please stop."
I didn't think my heart could break anymore than it already had. She was asking me to give up the last bit of connection we had, the last little thing that made our relationship special. I don't know if I can do that… But apparently it's important to her, so I will. I know I've been quiet for a while (Mac could tell me how long) so I have to say something, let her know I understand. "Ok Mac, if that's what you want. Ah… I have to go now, talk to you later," I tell her and hung up.
After staring at my phone for a moment, I throw myself down on the beach. Why did she do that? I don't understand… I thought she enjoyed having that last little bit of connection that we shared, but instead she asked me to give it up.
I stare at the ocean for several minutes, the pain washing over me with the same cadence as the waves. It hurts so much—I feel like I'm losing her all over again, even though in truth I lost her that day last July when I got married to another woman. I never I would hurt as much as I did that day when I realized that she loved me, but this certainly comes close.
What confuses me the most is the last thing she said. If she likes to hear me use her first name, why did she ask me to stop? She said she liked it too much… what does that mean? What does it mean to her when I call her Sarah? For that matter, what does it really mean to me? Why do I do it?
The answer to that question helps me begin to understand all of this. I call her Sarah when I'm thinking about how much I love her. She knows that now, although she didn't always. The other thing she knows that I'm just beginning to figure out is that it's time to move on.
If I keep calling her Sarah, I'll never forget how much I love her. Yes, there is a part of me that will always remember, but I need to try to remember it instead of living it. It has to be a small, secret part of my heart that is tucked away and only brought out occasionally. It isn't fair to Jess for me to be like this, with her but not really with her. Especially now that we're going to have a family, my heart needs to be here with her not in DC with Sarah… Mac. It'll take time to retrain my mind and my heart, but hopefully breaking this last connection will help. Now I can truly begin to form the same kind of connection with my wife.
With my questions answered, I turn my attention back to the ocean. Now the constant pattern of the waves breaking against the shore provides a healing balm to my aching heart. I know that as the years go by the memories will become faint, but I also know that just as the ocean always remains, whether the tide is going in or out, my love for S… Mac will remain as well.
Try to remember
and if you remember
then follow, follow follow…
follow.
Chapter 3
I didn't want to leave. In fact, it was the last thing I wanted, and that was why I knew I had to do it. As much as I love Sarah, she and I can never belong to each other and the sooner we realize that the easier life will be. I knew that for myself I would never fully come to grips with that reality if I saw her everyday… I had to leave.
So I discussed it with Jess, and she agreed. I requested a transfer, and two weeks later we were in sunny California. That is the one good thing about this—I've missed being in California.
I miss Mac more though. Letters are nice, but it just isn't the same as seeing her or talking to her. I'm not sure my plan is working. Maybe it will just take time, time to ease out of her life and take my place on the fringes. But what if I don't want to be on the fringes? Sometimes Rabb, you do what's right instead of what you want.
April 2004
It's been eight months since I've seen her, and four since we talked. I think I'm finally getting used to the idea of us just being friends. Even the emotion in our letters has gradually softened into less than what it was.
So far today has been a quiet day. Jess is still at work—she only has a few more weeks before she goes on maternity leave, and she wants to get as much done as possible. I just got home and I'm flipping through the mail. Hey, there's a card here from Bud and Harriet, I wonder what's going on in their lives?
"Come celebrate AJ's fifth birthday with us!" Five years from this moment, if neither of us is in a relationship… I never thought it would be like this! What's going through her mind? She's remembered this the whole time, with her sense of timing. I have to talk to her, tell her I didn't just forget about our deal.
Picking up the phone, I dial a number I still have memorized even after four months. "Lt. Col. Mackenzie," she answers.
"Hello Sarah," I reply quietly. My mind is racing. What exactly am I going to say? I should have thought this out more before I called.
"Harm? Is anything wrong, you sound funny?"
"No, it's just been a long day," I tell her, lying through my teeth.
"So what's up?" she asks.
"I just got AJ's birthday invitation today, and I was hoping you'd tell him I'm sorry I'll miss it." Hey, I'm a lawyer, I can think on my feet. Hopefully this will tell her that I remembered and that I'm sorry once again for… well for being stupid.
"Of course I will Harm… and I'm sure he'll be glad you remembered. You'd better call him yourself though."
"Yeah, of course… well, that was all I wanted to say. Bye Mac, talk to you later," I said and hung up. She understood what I meant, why I was calling. Mac always was able to hear what I wasn't saying.
The following Saturday
I feel a moment of disorientation when I wake up, and then I remember. Last night I made some little off the wall comment to Jess, and somehow between my frazzled nerves with the Jefferson case and her emotions, it turned into a "If you really feel that way you can go stay at your mom's tonight" fight. Sighing, I get up and take a shower before I decide how I should go about giving my penance so I can come home today.
After breakfast, I take a walk on the beach to clear my head. Just when I turned to head in, my cell phone rang. Looking at the call id, I realize that Sarah is on the other end. "Yes Sarah?" I say as I answer it.
"Hey Harm… wait a minute, where are you?" she asks.
"I'm at the beach outside my parent's place. Jess kicked me out last night," I tell her with a laugh.
"Uh-oh… what did you do to anger your pregnant wife?"
"Nothing major… just commented on how the nice April day didn't feel that hot to me. Apparently, that was not the right opinion to voice. It'll be fine by this evening, although I suspect I'd better get used to my old bedroom since I'll probably be here a lot over the next few months."
Mac laughed at that. "Yeah, telling a pregnant woman it's not hot isn't the wisest move, but I'm sure you'll make worse mistakes. Don't forget this is all your fault," she teased.
"Haha, thanks Mac. Hey, were you calling for a reason, or just to make fun of me?" I ask her, pretending to pout.
I can hear her taking a deep breath, getting ready for whatever she has to tell me. Mentally I brace myself, knowing I probably won't like it. "I have a reason… Harm, I need you to stop calling me Sarah," she requests.
In the five seconds before she spoke, thousands of possibilities went through my mind—I'm getting married, I got transferred, I just found out I have cancer—but not this. I never would have expected this. "I thought you liked that," I reply quietly.
"I do Harm, a little too much. When you call me Sarah, it's just one more reminder that I'm alone. Please stop."
I didn't think my heart could break anymore than it already had. She was asking me to give up the last bit of connection we had, the last little thing that made our relationship special. I don't know if I can do that… But apparently it's important to her, so I will. I know I've been quiet for a while (Mac could tell me how long) so I have to say something, let her know I understand. "Ok Mac, if that's what you want. Ah… I have to go now, talk to you later," I tell her and hung up.
After staring at my phone for a moment, I throw myself down on the beach. Why did she do that? I don't understand… I thought she enjoyed having that last little bit of connection that we shared, but instead she asked me to give it up.
I stare at the ocean for several minutes, the pain washing over me with the same cadence as the waves. It hurts so much—I feel like I'm losing her all over again, even though in truth I lost her that day last July when I got married to another woman. I never I would hurt as much as I did that day when I realized that she loved me, but this certainly comes close.
What confuses me the most is the last thing she said. If she likes to hear me use her first name, why did she ask me to stop? She said she liked it too much… what does that mean? What does it mean to her when I call her Sarah? For that matter, what does it really mean to me? Why do I do it?
The answer to that question helps me begin to understand all of this. I call her Sarah when I'm thinking about how much I love her. She knows that now, although she didn't always. The other thing she knows that I'm just beginning to figure out is that it's time to move on.
If I keep calling her Sarah, I'll never forget how much I love her. Yes, there is a part of me that will always remember, but I need to try to remember it instead of living it. It has to be a small, secret part of my heart that is tucked away and only brought out occasionally. It isn't fair to Jess for me to be like this, with her but not really with her. Especially now that we're going to have a family, my heart needs to be here with her not in DC with Sarah… Mac. It'll take time to retrain my mind and my heart, but hopefully breaking this last connection will help. Now I can truly begin to form the same kind of connection with my wife.
With my questions answered, I turn my attention back to the ocean. Now the constant pattern of the waves breaking against the shore provides a healing balm to my aching heart. I know that as the years go by the memories will become faint, but I also know that just as the ocean always remains, whether the tide is going in or out, my love for S… Mac will remain as well.
Try to remember
and if you remember
then follow, follow follow…
follow.