Fandom: Tokyo Babylon / X
Title: Still the same.
Rating: G
Description: Hokuto wants to comfort Subaru when he breaks down, but she knows that deep inside of her that she can't anymore.
Disclaimer: Tokyo Babylon and X is Clamp's.
If you would only tell me what to do. You know I'd do it...
Subaru, if you would please understand...
Still the same.
by Miyamoto Yui
I was sitting in a chair before his bed as he sat down on one side of it.
On this silent night, the moon shone through the window and he just sat there with his head down.
Exhausted by the day, I would usually have made dinner by now, but I knew better. When he was feeling this way, it couldn't be helped. That boy would never eat when something was on his mind and I knew it.
Once, I tried to force feed him, but being only human, he instead threw it up as soon as it settled in his stomach. And I ended up giving him a tummy rub though he was already fourteen years old.
Embarrassed as he was, he just slept on his bed with me next to him, talking to him softly so that he would go to sleep. I remember that time very well.
He had just come back from a 'job' and was so tired he almost collapsed at the doorstep; but stubborn as he was, he didn't want to show it too much. That and the fact that this time, he had known the person he had taken care of.
The girl had tried to commit suicide by throwing herself off the school ledge because of many reasons. She and Subaru were good friends...
...good till the end.
In the end, Subaru was too late to save her. Only to find she had been possessed by some kind of demon god and the only way to exterminate it was to kill the thing inside of her. Subaru didn't want to and tried so hard to exorcise it, but he couldn't save her...
And so, she ended up dying in his arms.
So, as soon as I hugged him that night, he completely broke down. I told him to become stronger
to not let that happen...
I was always like that. The shock absorber whenever he got hit...
I cried all night, but I never let him know that. How could I? I should be one less burden…
Only, I found out I had helped even more with that burden...
Seishirou.
Sighing, I watched at him. He wouldn't even glance into my direction. And so, the silence was driving me mad.
I knew Subaru more than anyone else. I could tell you everything about him...
...except his heart.
In some small way, he kept many things from me. He never meant to be so secretive, but there was just always that one thing he couldn't tell me. And though I may fight with him about it like the other times, he would never let up. He just ended up crying.
Crying for the responsibility...
Crying for himself...
Crying for me...
I mean, you wouldn't like to know that you were an heir at such a young age. Then you have a curse put on you to end your life earlier than you wanted...Then, that doesn't even count his 'jobs'...
He just wasn't the type to take care of it and leave.
And that's what made him strong and weak at the same time: His caring for the situation, hopeless at it may be...
And so, it didn't matter what I did, there was always a secret sorrow that neither of us would show to the other.
I wanted to hold him, but I had to let go...
this time, he has to do this by himself though I ached to do something...
Anything at all...
He began to cry with his gloved hands covering his eyes. His sobs echoed on the four walls of his self-made sanctuary. A place where no one could come, not Sei-chan nor I could ever come in this room.
"The boy...I felt so bad for him. I try to keep all my emotions inside, but when I'm alone, I can do nothing but break down. I cry once in a while because it hurts my chest." Looking up, he said blankly, "I try to detach myself from everyone and everything. But that just doesn't seem to work either, Hokuto-chan."
Putting my head down, I laughed to myself and hit my head. "Thought you forgot I was here."
But who was I kidding? You will always need me.
"I wonder what you're thinking over there. I...I don't know what to think."
He mumbled, "Is there no way out of this? Why does the result of everything I do end in pain when I want to make someone happy?"
Shaking my head, I began to cry as I walked over to him.
He cried even more. "Would you cry for me? Or would you laugh like before? What would you say now if I told you that I had to rescue a boy today who went through something like myself...that I still love Seishirou...that I want to live on even if I feel like I want to die..."
I stood before him, still shaking my head while wiping my cheeks. "Don't you understand? I'm very proud of you. I'm not disappointed like you think..."
I sobbed, "I'm only crying, Subaru-kun...because you're crying inside..."
My arms reached out as I wanted to embrace his shoulders...but...
I passed through his body.
As if my heart couldn't crack any more for you…
"You...you can't hear me..." I fell to the ground, crying more and more.
"I...I can't even comfort you anymore..." I whispered to myself as I realized what I had tried to do again without thinking except on sisterly instinct.
I would never learn. I would never accept that time has stopped for me and that his still went on with those in the living world...
It's because I'm always with you...
I sometimes forget that even though I'm so close, I can't help you...
I can't even touch you...
Not anymore.
But even when I was living, sometimes you couldn't hear me either, Subaru-kun...
Silence.
Subaru then lifted his head up, looking around the room with an expression of surprise. "Ho..Hokuto-chan?"
I gasped, laughing as he looked at any place except in front of him...
You're still the same.
"After all these years of worrying..." Crying, I wiped my face as I sobbed even more while tasting the bittersweet tears running down my cheeks. "You're still the same..."
You dummy…I've always been just right here…
Owari.
-
Author's note: Weird but I didn't want it all in tears. *sighs* I just wanted to make one fic that was different with Hokuto's perspective.
And you know what? Despite everything, I just couldn't end it without a bit of 'happy' thoughts. It's Hokuto for me...
March 25th, 2002