Disclaimer/acknowledgements: I don't own any of the Final Fantasies (or
much of anything at all, come to think of it), so please don't sue. I have
to give credit where it's due, so here goes: to Morrigan, for the editing,
and to Vick330 and Themis56 for their fanfics from which I stole so many
ideas. Also, thanks to Dave Barry and P.J. O'Rourke, from whom I stole some
of my funnier lines.
Ifrit roared. He was sitting at his favorite table in the Junction. Summons had two habitats, their outpost in the Blue Planet and their extradimensional home. The Junction was the best bar in this second (and far larger) location. Things were generally interesting, what with various intepid bands of heroes saving their planets from destruction, but nothing had happened for months. Everyone was getting antsy, even their emporer, Bahamut.
Hearing a squeeking sound, the fire-elemental turned to see the small, hyperactive Cactuar standing next to him.
"HiIfrithowareyouIjusthadfiftyNodozeand-" *Crack* The hyperactive cactus' string of speech was truncated by Ifrit's fist. He wobbled for a second, then fell over backwards. A scond later, he jumped to his feet again. "Thanks. I'm always kinda hyper just after I eat. So how're things with you."
Ifrit growled. "Same old, same old. No one summoning me, nothing happening, and Siren STILL insisting that she can't go out with me because she's a lesbian." He stared at his Smirnoff (en flambé) "Dispite the fact that she went out with Leviathan. And Kujata. And Arthur. And…."
"Boy, it must be depressing when you can't even get a ride from the village- "
"DO YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME?" Ifrit bellowed as he kicked the stool next to him out of the floor.
Cactuar snorted. "Please." He raised his small arms. "One thousand needles?"
Ifrit stopped mid-bellow. Cactuar's unblockable damage would take a serious bite out of anyone, and, like all of his race, he was highly resilient to magic attacks.
"That's what I thought." The smug green bastard sat down at the bar.
Ifrit growled. "I swear, there's no decent action around here. Not enough females who will date me ei- WHAT?"
Cactuar was laughing his high, fast, stacatto laugh. "Nothing, I was just thinking what Tonberry would say if he was here- but I won't say it."
Ifrit got the idea. The little lizard could be incredibly dirty-minded when he wanted to be, and he had a bad habit of making wipe-outs to which there was no response. "At this rate, -"
"You're never gonna lose your virginity?"
Ifrit shot him a death glare, the best you can do against someone far more powerful than you. "That was handled a while ago-" the little thing snickered again "but maybe I should set my sights lower. A mortal woman, maybe…"
"Yeh!" Cactuar jumped up "That was done once before, by Maduin. Besides, I can recommend some."
"Bet you can't beat this one." He sent an image of Tifa into Cactuar's head. "HUGE materia."
"But how to choose, how to choose, howtochoose…" the Cactuar was talking faster and faster, a devious plan obviously forming in his raisin-sized mind. Suddenly, he stopped, then grinned. "I have a plan. What do you say we hold a… swimsuit competition?'
Ifrit satred at him. "Swimsuit competition? How would that work?"
"Easy. We just choose a place for the competition to be held, have Tonberry make the arrangements, and then … bombs away."
"Minor detail… how are we gonna convince them to do this?"
Cactuar winked spastically. "I think I know how."
A month later, everything was arranged. Tonberry, using his construction and acquisition powers, had been able to modify the monster stadium for human use in about a week. The judges were: Bahamut ZERO, Ifrit, Tonberry, Leviathan, and Hades (in place of Alexander, who refused to participate on grounds of immorality). The audience consisted of all of the other summons who wished to come (the entire male population of the Extradimension of Summoned Monsters) and most of the female characters' counterparts. Siren had been hooked into acting as announcer (convincing her had been a complex affair involving, as far as anyone could find out, 25 gil, Minotaur, and two mince pies).
"And here we are at the first ever Heroine Swimsuit Competition, hosted in part by the Land of Summoned Monsters and Tonberry Acquisitions, Inc. There's a large crowd out to see the models- tickets for this event were scalped by an earth elemental who shall remain nameless *coughminotaurcough* at prices up to 10,000 gil! Things seem to be almost ready, so in a few minutes, we should be underway. Sit tight, folks!"
Up in the judges' booth, Leviathan was sifting through snapshots while Tonberry peered over his shoulder. Suddenly, the big snake stopped. "Why's she in the show? She looks kinda… chubby." He held up a picture of Lulu. Tonberry's eyes bugged.
"She was fine a few months ago," Tonberry commented "She musta been puttin' on weight since they beat Sin."
"Nope." Both of them turned to look at Bahamut ZERO "She's not fat, she's knocked up."
Ifrit whistled. "Who by?"
The eldest Bahamut scanned the croud with his eyes, then pointed. "See that one? Dark skin, vertical hair, who says 'ya' after everything? The one carrying the mutant volleyball?"
Tonberry squinted "The one singing dirty lyrics to popular Al Bhed songs, leaning on the shoulder of the blonde one, and staggering?" The dragon nodded. "Either he isn't always like this, or she's got really low standards."
"He isn't. See the one in red, with the huge sword? He took a swig out of the bottle that that guy has on his belt. Apparently it didn't agree with him."
Ifrit broke in again "Hey, Tonberry, maybe her standards are low enough that she'll date you."
Tonberry pointed his knife at the fire elemental. "The only thing with standards low enought to date you, Ifrit, is attached to your right wrist."
Crickets.
"BURNED." Hades commented.
Ifrit had had enough of the perverted little lizard's taunting. Flames bellowed out of his mouth as he summened heat energy to himself for his Hellfire attack.
"-2, 1… and we are on the air!" the triple voice of Cerberus broke in. Ifrit and Tonberry dove for their seats, scattering fire and revealing polariods everywhere.
"-to the opening of the Heroines Swimsuit competion! All of these women are heroines in their own right, so this should be an interesting competition." Bahamut ZERO was saying. "They will be ranked in a popular way here: the judges will each give them a rating, from 0-10, but in addition, each judge will have three 'overdrive' percentage points, with which he can award a candidate he feels is particularly deserving a score higher than the standard 10 points. That's all. Ifrit…"
The fire demon caughed and began "And to open the ceremony, here's the first contestant: Rinoa Heartilly!"
Down below, Rinoa stepped out in a fairly modest blue two-piece bathing suit with angel wings stitched on the top half. Her black hair was hanging over her shoulder, and it swirled as she turned on stage.
From the rows there was a piercing screech as Diablos whistled. "Hey, I remember you! What's your hotel room numb-ARRGHHH!" Squall had stood, slashing the GF's arm with Lionheart. He began to glow orange as he cast Aura on himself, preparing to Renzokuken the gravity GF into the next geological era.
And the crowd was reacting too, Cerberus was already chanting "JER- RY! JER-RY!" softly behind them. Rinoa, apparently unfazed, was still posing herself; the swimsuit was very good-looking, showing off her slim figure in a way that only Squall had probably seen before. Cactuar, in the crowd, made a note to himself to head up to booth and check Ifrit's heart rate.
The situation was prevented by quick thinking on Titan's, or rather, Pandemona's part. Pandemona had whispered into the big lug's ear, and he had obeyed. One fist sent Squall into the western wall, Diablos into the opposing one. Cerberus groaned behind them as Siren tried to cover. "Sorry , folks, some people just can't take the excitement. But now that that's been settled, no problems," she winced to herself as she noticed Queen Asura pulling Squall out of the stone wall, looking decidedly worse for wear. "Now back to the show! Rinoa has presented herself well, even with the little… altercation. Here's her scores. Ifrit gave her 9.7, Tonberry 8.9, Bahamut ZERO 9.0, Leviathan 8.4, and Hades- ouch, this is gonna ruin her average- 3.2. Total, 7.8. Ouch, better luck next time Rinoa." Rinoa spun in a way that attracted every eye in the house as she headed back behind the curtain.
"Next contestant…" Siren began "is Rydia, the caller of Myst! Say hello to eveyone's favorite Caller/Black Witch!"
Wakka started to boo drunkenly, smacking Auron in the face as he tried to make the "thumbs down" sign and failed miserably. Tidus began to boo as well, then jumped and whimpered as Yuna's foot intersected with his shin going at about a thousand miles an hour.
Rydia stepped out, looking like about a trillion dollars. She was wearing a green bikini with small bits of gold hanging off, and the top was held togeather with a string that looked like you could break with a blunt remark. Combined with her green hair, the effect was quite strinking. Ifrit could feel his pulse accelerating. Rydia turned slowly, then cast a Fire spell. Every eye was on her… assets as she was illuminated by the magic aura.
"Damn… " Ifrit commented.
"Well, you'll have a ninja to contend with if you want her." Bahamut ZERO commented. The audience was deathly quiet as Rydia turned and sashayed out. As soon as the curtain closed behind her, there was a brief silence. Then….
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP*Cheers* *Shouts of exultation*
"Well," Siren's voice came booming out "Kudos to Rydia! The judges haven't given their scores yet, but on the whole, it looks pretty promising." The audience was still clapping and cheering. Edge's palms were bruised from clapping so hard. "Alright, thet're going to give their scores: Ifrit -Holy guacamole, he used all of his overdrive points- 13.0! Tonberry, 9.2, Bahamut ZERO 8.9, Leviathan 10.0, and Hades … ummm… 1.7. Averaging out to 8.5 or 8.6, depending on how you round. For these purposes, I think that's 8.5. Cerberus, is that-… right. 8.5 it is, but I think Alexander has something to say to Hades. Oh dear… ALEXANDER! DONNNNNTTTT!"
The holy machine was had popped both of his launchers, obviously having passed Judgement on Hades. "You are defiling the scores of these noble ladies!" He shouted through his amplified voice "Such action is unbecoming of the lowest of swimsuit competition judges!"
A second later, the Judges' Booth was caught in a mushroom cloud of white light. Polariods and cards with numbers on them went flying as Alexander blasted the booth to pieces. Bahamut ZERO and Ifrit flew out as the booth detonated behind them, and Tonberry jumped (he landed OK. Those little bastards take a LOT of killing). Hades and Leviathan were caught in the huge blast of Holy energy. Leviathan staggered, but recovered in time to see Ramuh raining lightning down on Alexander, who promply shorted out. Hades was a crumpled robe on the floor.
Tonberry waved his hands, and the booth began to fix itself. Bahamut ZERO summed up the whole Hades situation with one word. "YESSSSSSS!" The dragon began doing flips in the air. "He's dead! He's gone! He's history! Who are we gonna get to replace him?"
"We can't" Tonberry replied "He already hosed Rinoa and Rydia's scores. It would give the rest an unfair advantage."
"Damn." Bahamut considered, then turned to the crumpled robe. "LIFE."
The robe groaned a bit and began to smoke.
"Dingus." Tonberry shoved Bahamut aside "leave it to you to screw up something this easy." He pointed at the smouldering robe. "DEATH!"
The robe inflated as it filled with black slime, which colaesced into Hades.
"Can we get on with the show?" Siren yelled over the P.A. Snickers broke out all over the stadium.
"It's OK!" Bahamut ZERO called back "We just had to bring Hades back to life- er- death, here."
"Alright!" Siren spoke again over the P.A. "We have time for our next contestant before the commercial break! Please welcome… Fujin Kazeno!"
Ifrit spun on Tonberry for what seemed like the umteenth time "You sold ad time on this? What the HELL were you thinking?"
Tonberry hissed back "I don't do this shit for free, ya know. Besides, the offers were just too good to pass up."
Fujin came onstage, wearing a white bikini of a fairly modest size. However, the size didn't matter, because combined with her albinism, it made her look like she was wearing nothing at all. Jaws hit the floor, and even Hades, with his penchant for death, looked impressed. Raijin was shouting encouragement as Fujin posed, and Seifer was looking like the cat that had eaten the canary.
However, some people don't like being called chicken-wuss, and pick the worst times to get revenge. Zell, in his ususal brilliant style, decied to take it out on Fujin right then and there. Standing up in his seat, the extended his hand towards her and shouted "WATER!"
As was to be expected, the large water bubble formed around her, floated her up into the air, and popped, dropping her to the stage. It hurt a little, but that wasn't the important part. She was now soaked to the skin.
Seifer stared, then let out a wolf whistle. Next to him, Raijin had suddenly shut up. In the bright lights of the stadium, all that stood in the way of Fujin and total nudity was a kind of blurring effect. It was obvious that Zell was thinking *Woah.*
Fujin was obviously thinking something else as realization hit her. Her eyes blazed, and, not bothering to try to dry herself, pointed her finger. "DEATH!"
There was a *Crack* of Death's scythe, and Zell slumped to the floor. Fujin took a bow and retreated hastily.
Silence.
Wild cheers broke out, complete with curtain calls. It took ten minutes for Neo Bahamut to restore order. Finally it was quiet enough for Siren to announce "Alright, I think the judges should announce their scores, and then everyone here should take a cold shower. Besides, we're late for commercial break. Ifrit, 10.0, Leviathan, also 10.0, Tonberry, 6.2, he must be getting fed up with these interruptions, Bahamut, 9.1, and Hades 7.2, the highest score he's awarded so far. That averages to 8.5, tying Fujin Kazeno for a first place that very few analysts predicted. However, the contest is still young. Hades seems to be warming up, but with Tonberry cooling down, who knows how things will turn out? Back after these messages."
Tonberry was cursing to himself as he watched his TV, which was set to the channel they were broadcasting on. It was currently playing a commercial for Phoenix's Egyptian Plover Service (Clean Your Scales/Hide of those Annoying Parasites for Just 250 Gil!) Ifrit leaned back, savoring the memories. He was just starting to get a clear picture of Fujin in his mind when he felt a needle prick his arm. He sat up sharply.
"Hiya!" Cactuar was looking a bit too happy "Howzitgoing Ifrit!" He was obviously on Mountain Dew again (because of their weakness against pure water, Cactuars have to dilute it with a more basic energy source: caffeine.)
"Not bad at all. If it keeps up like this… damn." The last word was in his best Will Smith voice.
"Goodtohearthat. Ifanyofthem-" he stopped, obviously stopping himself from saying something he shouldn't.
"Go on…" Ifrit replied. Cactuar ignored him and looked at the screen, which was still playing commercials (Minimog's Theraputic Dance: Restore your health TODAY!) then left the booth. Ifrit was going to follow him when Cerberus growled.
"Twenty seconds everyone!"
All of them jumped for their seats.
Siren's voice boomed out again. "OK, folks we're good to go! Our next candidate, the Spiran beauty, Lulu! She's a game girl, and she's not letting being kn …er…pregnancy slow her down."
Tidus, Auron, and Kimarhi clapped Wakka on the back as the still doped-up Yevonite grinned drunkenly.
But Ifrit only noticed this in passing, for Lulu had come out on stage. She was wearing a bikini made of belts. A large black one served for the top piece, which had had several notches added to the end to accomadate her pregnancy, which had put her in the same class with Tifa. Although somewhat wider in the waist than the others, the competition had come at exactly the right time: the former increase far outweighed the latter. She didn't pose, only shifted her stance as she let the effect sink in. As her parting move, she leaned far forward and blew a kiss at the audience. Everyone with a Y chromosome broke out in a sweat as she walked off the stage.
For the next ten seconds, noone seemed to breathe. Siren, slightly ticked at this, rearranged some of the wires on the sound system.
Everyone in the crowd ducked as feedback worthy of Bahamut's claws on a cosmic chalkboard split the air. Excited babble then broke out as Ifrit mentally moaned about wasting his overdrive points.
"And here's the score!" Siren shouted over the hubbub "Ifrit, 10! Big surprise there. Leviathan 11! Two overdrive points left. Bahamut ZERO, 8.4, don't know what his problem is. Tonberry, 9.8! Obviously saving his overdrives. Hades, 8! Bad for her, even if good for him. Dispite her pregnancy which, although good for the species, has ruined a lot of modeling careers, Lulu captures first place very handily with a 9.4! Good job."
Tidus looked at Wakka. "I hate you. HOW did you score with her when I- " he could sense Yuna raising her staff, murder in her eyes "-never even gave it a shot." He finished lamely.
Wakka only burped. Cloud, sitting in the row ahead of him, gagged and passed out.
Leviathan turned to Tonberry. "What's IN that bottle of Auron's?"
The mutant mole shook his head. "God only knows. Hades should know, he's an expert in death-dealing substances-"
"Jack Daniels, goat's milk, and wasabi." Bahamut ZERO interjected without looking up. "It takes some time to get used to. Say, your entire life."
All four of the other judges turned to him. "What the-"
Hades continued "Come to think of it, how do you know many of these things? Lulu's child's paternity comes to mind." His voice grew hoarse and accusing as he stood up "You hold a dark secret, eldest Bahamut. A secret that has just been dicovered."
Bahamut ZERO snorted "Dark secret my ass! It's called vision control, idiots, how else do you think I can target a mole from orbit?"
"You mean to say," Leviathan asked "you just spy on the mortals when you have nothing better to do?"
"Yup."
Leviathan reared up, sending chairs flying. "Pervert! Degenerate! Infringer of the mortals' privacy! Got any good pictures?"
Bahamut's wings folded again "Sure, I have a good one of Squall at the Balamb garden Christmas festival. Irvine spiked the punch, and Selphie lent Rinoa Strange Vision after Squall hit on her. Selphie, that is."
"Why?"
"HEY!" Cerberus growled "Are we gonna do this or what?"
"…woman." Siren was finishing her introduction "So please welcome General Celes Chere!"
Even though Lulu was a tough act to follow, Celes showed no signs of discouragement. With the self-confident air of a general, she strode out in a bathing suit that seemed to be made entirely out of high-grade cheesecloth. You probably couldn't go in the water with it, but the effect was stunning. Never one to loose her head, she spun around, centrifugue making the cloth cling to her. Although not as mind-boggling as Lulu, she was certianly better-proportioned, and her skin was flawless, tanned to a T. Her hourglass figure was clearly visible, as the suit left very little to the imagination. Suddenly, Zells' voice rang out "WAT-" *CRACK* "Rmmmm! Qftf! Fat urt."
Zell was holding his hand over his mouth, from which blood was running. Quistis was folding up Save the Queen, looking satisfied. Celes did a ballet spin, then bowed. The audience clapped appreciativly.
"Well, that went smoothly" Siren announced. "Now, here's the scores: Ifrit, 8.9, Leviathan, 9.5, Bahamut ZERO, 9.1, Tonberry, 9 (wonder where that came from), Hades, 6.7. Well, Tonberry gave her a perfect score, and she did well in the Hades hurtle, Cerberus do you have the average yet? My, 8.6, and Celes nails second by a hairsbredth. Let's see if our next contestant can measure up… please welcome Yuna!"
Hades turned to Tonberry as Yuna strode out. "Why are there none from the planet of Meteor? One of them died, will she be presenting?"
The lizard shot back: "There's only one left. Most beings get rather unattractive after they die, and one of the other women was too young. Only Tifa will be performing, if my memory serves, and she's coming out… next."
Yuna was in a one-piece bathing suit, stricken with stage fright. Kimahri, Wakka, Tidus, Auron, Rikku and Lulu were all shouting encouragement, but she didn't seem to hear them. Finally, after about a minute, she retreated hastily.
Silince, then Siren spoke up "Maybe it's just me, but I thought the models were supposed to… model. Never mind, let's see what the judges thi-" her voice was cut off by an electronic squawk as Hades reached over and switched on his microphone.
"She may have much reason to be frightened, as she too seems to have a secret, although a light and thus banal one. Congratulations, Tidus."
Tidus' mouth dropped open as the others clapped him on the back.
"Yay, Tidus, why didn't you tell us?" Rikku squealed happily, clapping her hand on his wallet. "When's it due?" Her hand withdrew, leaving Tidus's pocket about a thousand gil lighter.
"Yuna- what- why- when?" he croaked as the summoner sat down in her normal outfit.
"Hades told everyone what," she said crossly "and I should think you know why. When? Next December some time."
"December? That puts it at… uhhh…"
"April 2nd. Remember? Vacation? Beach? Me having to erase Kimahri's memory?"
"Oh yeah." He looked abashed "That was the time with the mmmmfff!"
Yuna had slapped her hand over his mouth.
"Comes to a 7.0." Came Siren's voice. "Better luck next time Yuna. We're doing very well, so here's the next contestant before break. Let's have a big hand forrr… Tifa Lockhart!"
Tifa sashayed onto stage, weaing a bikini the size of a DNA strand. Not missing a beat, she paused and tossed her head, then went into a clockork series of motions, during all of which the entire stadium was as silent as a tomb. Tifa made a waving motion with her upper body, highly reminiscent of a arab belly dance. Had the audience been standing, about half of the knees would have given out as her shoulders and chest rose and fell. With a stately bow, she turned and sidled out.
Cheers and whistles greeteed her departure like nothing before, only Lulu even coming close. "Well, she certainly had her repertoire down" Siren yelled over the din "Let's see what the judges think! Ifrit, 10! Leviathan, 11! Bahamut Zero, 9.5! Tonberry, 10! Hades… oh no, that can't be right …3.0. That brings the average to 8.7, bringing Tifa into third place."
Ifrit, Tonberry, Leviathan, and Bahamut ZERO were all glaring at Hades with looks that would shatter concrete as the airwaves cut to commercials. The lord of death tried to defend himself.
"She lacked the cadaverousness that defines true beauty. And she was highly mobile, all twitching and the like."
"SHE WAS INCREDIBLE! SHE WAS THE BEST FUCKING BROAD IN THIS ENTIRE SHOW, AND YOU DROPPED HER INTO INFERNAL THIRD PLACE! THIRD PLACE! INJUSTICCCCEEEE!" Ifrit howled.
"Sit down, Ifrit, I can sense that 'fucking' is the first thing on your mind." Hades shot back "that's what you organized this entire event with in mind."
"Maybe I did, but that doesn't mean you have to ruin the scores!"
"I award points justly. I am a judge. If I hose one, I hose them all."
"Yes- but- but-"
Tonberry stepped in "We're getting Alexander next time." He said simply.
Down on the floor, the guys were hanging out at the foot of the stage.
"Wakka, wake up man!" Tidus was hitting his friend, who had suddenly passed out.
"Here." A choked voice said behind him. He turned to see Cloud holding out a bottle. "Antidote."
"I thought it was just-" Tidus began.
"I don't know what it is, but it's putrid, whatever it is. His breath knocked me out, and now I have to get my materia back."
Tidus dumped the liquid into Wakka's mouth "What's a materia?"
"The stuff that lets me cast magic." Wakka sat up coughing "I have to get it back from-"
"BITCH!" the shriek reacked their ears, followed closely by
"DYKE!"
Tidus looked towards the sounds. "Rikku!"
Cloud glaned over "Yuffie!"
They looked at eack other. "DUCK!"
The two thieves were circling, Yuffie holding Conformer and looking pissed. Rikku looked no less pissed. Both had eack other's posessions stuffed into their pockets.
Sensing danger, Wakka jumped between them. "Hey, girls, break it up, ya?"
"Right Arm!" Wakka went flying as Yuffie's bomb went off a few feet away from him. He landed in a heap in a pile of chairs.
There was a *shink* and *click* noises. Vincent and Auron were standing there, looking ready to kill. Yuffie and Rikku seemed to lose about a foot each.
"Who's left?"
"Let's see… Lenna, Quistis, and Shera… who's Shera?" Tonberry asked.
"Meteor world." Bahamut ZERO replied "Cid Highwind's fiancée. Isn't that list a bit thin, though? What about Rosa, Terra, Yuffie…"
"Rosa and Terra are married, and didn't want to participate. Faris is still kind of mannish from all of her years of playing one, and she knows it."
"Disqualified?"
"Wouldn't come. She doesn't try anything she knows she's got no realistic chance at winning. Yuffie, Selphie, et al are too young. Besides, this is our first try at this kinda event, ever. If we can make it through this without a major disaster, it's more than we deserve."
"Right…" Tonberry had stopped listening about five minutes ago and was watching TV. The ad was for Eden Transdimensional (Whether saving a universe or a vacation to beyond the gulfs of space, high-speed transportaion at an unbeatable rate.)
"We are LIVE!" Cerberus announced.
"Her sister didn't want to come, but she's a talented performer in her own right, so please welcome… Princess Lenna!"
Butz in particular cheered as Lenna came on, wearing a floral-print bikini and a flower in her hair. She was more petite than the others, but was still a beauty, and her pink hair certainly made her distinctive. She came to the center of the stage, bowed, and began to dance.
But it wasn't an ordinary dance. She was turning and twisting in one place, and everyone's mind focused on her as they were caught up in her mystic dance. All seemed tranquil and relaxed as she slowed to a graceful stop…
"HEY! MY MP!" Rydia's shriek broke the silence, snapping everyone back to the present. "THAT BITCH STOLE MY MP!"
"Oops…" Lenna said in a small voice as Rydia leapt to her feet.
"I'LL KILL YOU!" With surprising agility, the summoner valted over Edgar's head and charged towards the stage. She was uncoiling her whip as she ran when an arm caught her around the waist.
"Hey, don't lose it." Sabin siad nonchelantly as he caught her whip hand. "You might hurt someone with that."
"You…" Rydia spluttered, then pointed her other hand at him "METEO!"
Comets of technicolor mystic energy fell from the sky, detonating against Sabin as he tried to shield himself from Rydia's attack.
As soon as his grip was gone, Rydia spun and pinted at the stage. "METEO!"
Nothing happened.
"Out of MP." Edge commented as Lenna erupted in blue light. Her Dancer clothes warped and twisted, becoming the armor of a Dragoon. She got in position, preparing to leap when a cold voice spoke up from the announcer's booth. "STOP. STOP."
Both of them froze, and Hades sat down again. Butz and Edge took took Lenna and Rydia back to their seats, then unfroze them.
"Thanks, Hades." Siren said "Well, let's give the judges a second… OK, here's the scores. Ifrit, 8.7, Leviathan 8.9, Bahamut ZERO… 10.5, and unconventional use of an overdrive point there, Tonberry, 9.0, Hades, 3.0. With an 8.0 average, Lenna comes in next-to-last." She cleared her throat and continued "Speaking of next-to-last, here's our contestant for that slot… let's hear it for Quistis Trepe!"
The applause were only scattered as the curtain moved. Seifer, Squall, Zell, and Raijin were sitting stony-faced, staring up at the stage. Then Quistis stepped out, and the clapping ceased.
Because nobody could summon up the mental power needed to do it. Quistis was in a one-piece bathing suit (if you can call it that) that was composed of simply a V of black material, covering the barest essentials. All in all, it looked like she had lost her bathing suit and done a quick substitution with electrical tape. She bowed and began to strike poses to show off her various angles.
"Heeey, baby!" Seifer shouted out of the crowd "How did you manage to hide the padding under that thing?"
Quistis turned with a haughty look on her face to face Seifer in the audience. "Such language is inappropriate here," she looked at Seifer. Then she narrowed her eyes. Then she leaned forward, obviously squinting "… uhhh… whoever you are! Mind your mouth!"
Raijin was snickering. Sabin, meanwhile, had taken out a Superball. Hiding it in the palm of his hand, he showed it to his brother, who nodded vigorously. The martial artist took a wind-up and launched the ball at the back of the stadium.
It bounced up off the wall, arcing over the heads of the crowd. Hitting the back of the stage, it rebounded again. Into the back of Quistis' neck, whose owner was still leaning forward. With a shriek, she toppled off the stage into Butz's lap.
Butz is as human as the next guy, so was it really so unexpected when his hand slipped as he tried to help her up?
A full can of Budweiser isn't a whip, but it can be deadly when wielded by the right hands. With a shriek, Quistis snatched one off the floor next to Irvine and began to beat Butz wildly over the head with it. "PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT!" The the Chosen Warrior of the Crystals yelled and tried to shield his head from the unrelenting torrent of blows. Twenty seconds later, Quistis went flying back onto the stage as the can exploded. She somersalted through the air and made a fairly effective three-point landing. Brushing her beer-soaked hair out of her eyes, she took a bow. The crowd began to cheer.
"She certianly has spirit." The announcer shouted over the din "Let's see what the judges think of her! Ifrit, 10.0, Leviantham 11.0, last overdrive point spent. Bahamut ZERO, 11 as well, Tonberry, 9.1, Hades, 5.7 for an average of… 9.3! Quistis takes second with 9.3!"
"And now, the final contestant, soon-to-be Shera Highwind, without the bottlecaps! Isn't she great?"
Shera stepped onto the stage, her hair caught up in a loose bun. She was wearing a low-in-the-back, lace-up-in-the-front yellow number that showed of her normally hidden assets. As she strode serenely on the stage, Cid yelled:
"FUCK yeah!"
Shera started a little, then began to strike modest poses. Kain whistled, then was quieted by Rydia. Shera leaned back for her last pose, then left as quietly as she had come.
"That could have used a little more spunk, bu tlet's see what the judges have to say. OK, Ifrit, 8.4, Leviathan, 8.6, Bahamut ZERO, 9.1, Tonberry, 9.7, Hades, 4.9. comes to… 8.1. Nothing spectacular, I'm afraid. So here's the final listings, in reverse order:
10th place, Yuna, with 7.0.
9th place, Rinoa, with 7.8.
8th place, Lenna, with 8.0
7th place, Shera, with 8.1.
Fujin and Rydia tied for 6th and 5th, with 8.5 apiece.
4th place,Celes, with 8.6
For bronze, we have Tifa with 8.7
For silver, we have Quistis with 9.3
And the winner isssss…. Lulu with 9.4! Let's giver her a HAND, folks!"
The stadium exploded. Lulu stood up and took a bow, grinning for ear to ear. "And here are the prizes: Tifa, you get 50,000 gil, an engraved trophy, and three gift cerificates to Kokol's, each one good for any one good or service that the greatest weaponsmith on the Blue Planet can provide! Transportation provided. Quistis, you get 250,000 gil, an engraved trophy, and ten gift certificates for ANYTHING under 100,000 gil, backed by Tonberry Acquisitions. Talk to him to redeem them. In addition, your dorm room will be filled with Draw points, particularly Aura, Full-Life, and Meltdown, and Ultima." Siren paused for effect and Cerberus played drum roll… "and… Lulu. As the winner of this contest, you get 1,000,000 gil, an engraved plaque, and ten certificates to Pheonix's Enchantment Mart. But all of that pales in comparison with the SECRET first prize… an economizer. Yes, Lulu, this mystical ring reduces all spell costs to 1 MP, and it's yours."
Lulu smiled in aknowledgement as the stadium erupted "And that's not all!" Serin yelled into the mike "All of the contestants, good job, and to those who didn't win, better luck next time! But as a small consolation prize, we're throwing a party, all present are invited. Also, we're planning to establish portals to your worlds, so if there's any more world-threatening crises, you can just come and ASK for help instead of tying yourselves into knots over materia or what-have-you. Besides, y'all will get to know each other."
Most of the audience missed everything after 'party.'
Because of his earlier disturbance, they had set Diablos as bartender. His only jobs was to make sure that, say, Palom and Porom didn't get sloshed. Summons are pretty lax about those things.
The muisc was deafening as everybody danced with their respective conterparts. Edgar and Terra, Locke and Celes, Cloud and Tifa.
By midnight, things had gotten interesting. Titan and Shiva were all over each other in the storage closet, Rinoa and Squall were adhereing to each other, and Yuna and Lulu were sharing reminiscences over the snack table. Ifrit, so far unsucessful with any women, was drinking himself blind. Feeling a familiar poke in his arm, he turned and saw a can of 7-up.
No, wait, it was Cactuar. "Whasha wan?"
"You'redrunk." The little plant said irritably. "You arrange this whole event because you can't get laid, and now you're ignoring all the women and getting smashed. Contrary to popular belief, that does not improve your chances of scoring."
Ifrit snarled. "I tried shat. S'hopelesh. Wush th' prblum th women have w' a good lookin fir elemntel?"
"Good-looking fire elemental? Where is it?" Cacutar joked. "Come on Ifrit, it's not so bad. What are you really missing, anyway?"
"Y'woodn't kno. Kaktwars reprodush askeses- asexable- th' no-fun way."
"OK," his friend replied "I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, don't drink any more."
Ifrit ignored him.
The next morning, Ifrit's first thought was to tell Doomtrain to get out of his skull. That damn poison summon was going around and around in his head, grinding his brain to hamburger and scraping against the inside of his skull. He opened his eyes, then shut them. Damn, why'd they have to make the sun so bright… oh wait, that was the lamp. A fireball solved that problem. Tucking his pillow under his horns, he rolled onto his back, planning to sleep until about the next geological era.
It took him a second for him to figure out what the nerves in his right arm were telling him. He had his arm around someone.
He turned. It was a human female, underneath the covers. Her skin was so white that Hades would have approved, and her face was partially obscured by her huge masses of white hair. The only weird thing about her was the strange paint smeared all over her face.
Dispite the pain in his head, he looked past her and saw a heap of clothes on the floor beside the bed. The few items that served him for clothes, and… a long red dress cut to accomidate a damn fine female figure. On the shoulders were ornimental wings made of wire and black feathers.
The strain on his eyes made the Doomtrain in his head begin to boost. Deciding to sort it out in the afterlife, Ifrit closed his eyes and fell into a hangover coma.
He was awoken by a sharp nudging in his ribs. "Do you have ta hit so hard?" he mumbled as he opened his burning eyes again.
"Hiya, kutie." He heard a woman's voice saying in his ears, followed by a giggle. "Was it good for you too?"
"Ummm…" he opened his eyes, and only saw a foggy blur. What the hell was wrong with him? "I hope so, I mean, I hope you had fun, because I was piss- ass drink last night, if you want to know the truth. If we actually did anything, I mean."
"We did. A sorceress never looses kontrol of herself, although the alkahol kan distort perceptions. Speeking of distorted perceptions, kan you see anything?"
"No."
"My bad. ESUNA." Ifrit relaxed a little as his vision cleared (his head felt a bit better, too) "I blinded you so you kouldn't watch me get up. General principle. Kare for some koffee?"
"Where'd you get the bethrobe?" Ifrit indicated the too-large fire-engine red batrobe that she had draped aound herself.
"I reskewed it from it's advancing state of dekomposition in you kloset."
"Oh."
An hour later, Ifrit strode into The Junction, feeling better than he had in years. Cactuar was sitting in his ususal spot, absorbing Jolt through one of his arms. He whistled when he saw Ifrit.
"Hey! Incendiany stud! How'd it go?"
"Whatcha mean?" Ifrit asked as he sat down.
"Carbuncle told me that you left the party with a foxy lady, but she didn't know who." He leaned as close as his glass allowed "So, who's the lucky lady, if she indeed lucky, ya know?"
Ifrit grinned "Lucky. Very, very lucky."
"So who is she?"
"Sorceress Ultimicia."
There was a *clop* noise as Cactuar fell off his stool, unconscious. He was up again a minute later. "Ultimicia? SORCERESS Ultimicia? You went home and screwed SORCERESS ULTIMICIA?"
"Ummmm…. Yes?"
"Memo to self: screen ticketholders next year." Cactuar turned on him "You know she tried to sieze control of the time stream, right? Destroy whatever got in her way? And how is she still alive?"
"Temporal displacement." A triple voice growled at their elbows. They looked and saw Cerberus. "When she was defeated, time splintered and various tangential…"
Twenty minutes later (Cerberus had taken to alternating heads) "… brought her here. Got it?"
"Could you give me the Occult Fan condensed version?"
"Basically, she's here because of the reality break-up, but she's lost most of her powers. No more time compression. No more real threat."
"OK, but still…" Cactuar looked uneasy.
"But still what? If she likes living with Ifrit, and he obviously doesn't object, what's wrong? Besides, if she ever tries to destroy the universe or anything, it's a lot safer that she's here as opposed to one of the mortal worlds." The rightmost eye winked. "I think we could take her."
All three of them nodded.
Ifrit walked into the door of his appartment at three o'clock.
Except that it wasn't his appartment. It couldn't be. No pizza boxes or tobasco bottles on the floor, no sentient laundry retreating from the light, only mixed-up furniture.
"Ultimica?"
The sorceress stepped out, still in his bathrobe. "I kleaned it. You like?"
"Yeh, but I was only gone for a couple hours! How'd you manage it?"
She blushed "I cheated a little. Tornado spells."
"That would explain the lamp wound around the curtian rod." He stepped in, still in slight shock "Where'd you put it all?"
"Let's put it this way. Don't talk to the owner of the green van for a few years, OK?"
"Uh-huh." He paused "Ultimicia… I talked to Cerberus, and it's OK if you stay here, but what'll you do? I mean…"
"I kan stay? Really?" A sly look crossed her face "I kan get a job; intrinsik magik is always handy."
"Would you stay with me?"
"You're shitting me, right?"
"No, I mean, I like you. You're more fun than most people I know, and I wouldn't have to get myself bent out of shape for a date every night. Besides, something might have happened last… I mean… if you don't have a problem it's easier for everyone concerned…"
"Well, do you want to know a sekret?" she leaned forward "I like you too, Ifrit. If I kan stay with you, I will. I know of Terra's mother, and kan see how that would be possible, now. So please, if you kan, let me stay?"
Without a word, they embraced and kissed.
"Ah, true love." Cactuar whispered to Carbuncle. "Keep snappin' em."
"It's turning into true lust. Very, very fast." Carbuncle giggled back as her ruby flickered slightly. "Oooh, I didn't know that she could-" she silenced herself as Cactuar spoke again.
"Ah, blackmail."
Ifrit roared. He was sitting at his favorite table in the Junction. Summons had two habitats, their outpost in the Blue Planet and their extradimensional home. The Junction was the best bar in this second (and far larger) location. Things were generally interesting, what with various intepid bands of heroes saving their planets from destruction, but nothing had happened for months. Everyone was getting antsy, even their emporer, Bahamut.
Hearing a squeeking sound, the fire-elemental turned to see the small, hyperactive Cactuar standing next to him.
"HiIfrithowareyouIjusthadfiftyNodozeand-" *Crack* The hyperactive cactus' string of speech was truncated by Ifrit's fist. He wobbled for a second, then fell over backwards. A scond later, he jumped to his feet again. "Thanks. I'm always kinda hyper just after I eat. So how're things with you."
Ifrit growled. "Same old, same old. No one summoning me, nothing happening, and Siren STILL insisting that she can't go out with me because she's a lesbian." He stared at his Smirnoff (en flambé) "Dispite the fact that she went out with Leviathan. And Kujata. And Arthur. And…."
"Boy, it must be depressing when you can't even get a ride from the village- "
"DO YOU WANNA FUCK WITH ME?" Ifrit bellowed as he kicked the stool next to him out of the floor.
Cactuar snorted. "Please." He raised his small arms. "One thousand needles?"
Ifrit stopped mid-bellow. Cactuar's unblockable damage would take a serious bite out of anyone, and, like all of his race, he was highly resilient to magic attacks.
"That's what I thought." The smug green bastard sat down at the bar.
Ifrit growled. "I swear, there's no decent action around here. Not enough females who will date me ei- WHAT?"
Cactuar was laughing his high, fast, stacatto laugh. "Nothing, I was just thinking what Tonberry would say if he was here- but I won't say it."
Ifrit got the idea. The little lizard could be incredibly dirty-minded when he wanted to be, and he had a bad habit of making wipe-outs to which there was no response. "At this rate, -"
"You're never gonna lose your virginity?"
Ifrit shot him a death glare, the best you can do against someone far more powerful than you. "That was handled a while ago-" the little thing snickered again "but maybe I should set my sights lower. A mortal woman, maybe…"
"Yeh!" Cactuar jumped up "That was done once before, by Maduin. Besides, I can recommend some."
"Bet you can't beat this one." He sent an image of Tifa into Cactuar's head. "HUGE materia."
"But how to choose, how to choose, howtochoose…" the Cactuar was talking faster and faster, a devious plan obviously forming in his raisin-sized mind. Suddenly, he stopped, then grinned. "I have a plan. What do you say we hold a… swimsuit competition?'
Ifrit satred at him. "Swimsuit competition? How would that work?"
"Easy. We just choose a place for the competition to be held, have Tonberry make the arrangements, and then … bombs away."
"Minor detail… how are we gonna convince them to do this?"
Cactuar winked spastically. "I think I know how."
A month later, everything was arranged. Tonberry, using his construction and acquisition powers, had been able to modify the monster stadium for human use in about a week. The judges were: Bahamut ZERO, Ifrit, Tonberry, Leviathan, and Hades (in place of Alexander, who refused to participate on grounds of immorality). The audience consisted of all of the other summons who wished to come (the entire male population of the Extradimension of Summoned Monsters) and most of the female characters' counterparts. Siren had been hooked into acting as announcer (convincing her had been a complex affair involving, as far as anyone could find out, 25 gil, Minotaur, and two mince pies).
"And here we are at the first ever Heroine Swimsuit Competition, hosted in part by the Land of Summoned Monsters and Tonberry Acquisitions, Inc. There's a large crowd out to see the models- tickets for this event were scalped by an earth elemental who shall remain nameless *coughminotaurcough* at prices up to 10,000 gil! Things seem to be almost ready, so in a few minutes, we should be underway. Sit tight, folks!"
Up in the judges' booth, Leviathan was sifting through snapshots while Tonberry peered over his shoulder. Suddenly, the big snake stopped. "Why's she in the show? She looks kinda… chubby." He held up a picture of Lulu. Tonberry's eyes bugged.
"She was fine a few months ago," Tonberry commented "She musta been puttin' on weight since they beat Sin."
"Nope." Both of them turned to look at Bahamut ZERO "She's not fat, she's knocked up."
Ifrit whistled. "Who by?"
The eldest Bahamut scanned the croud with his eyes, then pointed. "See that one? Dark skin, vertical hair, who says 'ya' after everything? The one carrying the mutant volleyball?"
Tonberry squinted "The one singing dirty lyrics to popular Al Bhed songs, leaning on the shoulder of the blonde one, and staggering?" The dragon nodded. "Either he isn't always like this, or she's got really low standards."
"He isn't. See the one in red, with the huge sword? He took a swig out of the bottle that that guy has on his belt. Apparently it didn't agree with him."
Ifrit broke in again "Hey, Tonberry, maybe her standards are low enough that she'll date you."
Tonberry pointed his knife at the fire elemental. "The only thing with standards low enought to date you, Ifrit, is attached to your right wrist."
Crickets.
"BURNED." Hades commented.
Ifrit had had enough of the perverted little lizard's taunting. Flames bellowed out of his mouth as he summened heat energy to himself for his Hellfire attack.
"-2, 1… and we are on the air!" the triple voice of Cerberus broke in. Ifrit and Tonberry dove for their seats, scattering fire and revealing polariods everywhere.
"-to the opening of the Heroines Swimsuit competion! All of these women are heroines in their own right, so this should be an interesting competition." Bahamut ZERO was saying. "They will be ranked in a popular way here: the judges will each give them a rating, from 0-10, but in addition, each judge will have three 'overdrive' percentage points, with which he can award a candidate he feels is particularly deserving a score higher than the standard 10 points. That's all. Ifrit…"
The fire demon caughed and began "And to open the ceremony, here's the first contestant: Rinoa Heartilly!"
Down below, Rinoa stepped out in a fairly modest blue two-piece bathing suit with angel wings stitched on the top half. Her black hair was hanging over her shoulder, and it swirled as she turned on stage.
From the rows there was a piercing screech as Diablos whistled. "Hey, I remember you! What's your hotel room numb-ARRGHHH!" Squall had stood, slashing the GF's arm with Lionheart. He began to glow orange as he cast Aura on himself, preparing to Renzokuken the gravity GF into the next geological era.
And the crowd was reacting too, Cerberus was already chanting "JER- RY! JER-RY!" softly behind them. Rinoa, apparently unfazed, was still posing herself; the swimsuit was very good-looking, showing off her slim figure in a way that only Squall had probably seen before. Cactuar, in the crowd, made a note to himself to head up to booth and check Ifrit's heart rate.
The situation was prevented by quick thinking on Titan's, or rather, Pandemona's part. Pandemona had whispered into the big lug's ear, and he had obeyed. One fist sent Squall into the western wall, Diablos into the opposing one. Cerberus groaned behind them as Siren tried to cover. "Sorry , folks, some people just can't take the excitement. But now that that's been settled, no problems," she winced to herself as she noticed Queen Asura pulling Squall out of the stone wall, looking decidedly worse for wear. "Now back to the show! Rinoa has presented herself well, even with the little… altercation. Here's her scores. Ifrit gave her 9.7, Tonberry 8.9, Bahamut ZERO 9.0, Leviathan 8.4, and Hades- ouch, this is gonna ruin her average- 3.2. Total, 7.8. Ouch, better luck next time Rinoa." Rinoa spun in a way that attracted every eye in the house as she headed back behind the curtain.
"Next contestant…" Siren began "is Rydia, the caller of Myst! Say hello to eveyone's favorite Caller/Black Witch!"
Wakka started to boo drunkenly, smacking Auron in the face as he tried to make the "thumbs down" sign and failed miserably. Tidus began to boo as well, then jumped and whimpered as Yuna's foot intersected with his shin going at about a thousand miles an hour.
Rydia stepped out, looking like about a trillion dollars. She was wearing a green bikini with small bits of gold hanging off, and the top was held togeather with a string that looked like you could break with a blunt remark. Combined with her green hair, the effect was quite strinking. Ifrit could feel his pulse accelerating. Rydia turned slowly, then cast a Fire spell. Every eye was on her… assets as she was illuminated by the magic aura.
"Damn… " Ifrit commented.
"Well, you'll have a ninja to contend with if you want her." Bahamut ZERO commented. The audience was deathly quiet as Rydia turned and sashayed out. As soon as the curtain closed behind her, there was a brief silence. Then….
CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP*Cheers* *Shouts of exultation*
"Well," Siren's voice came booming out "Kudos to Rydia! The judges haven't given their scores yet, but on the whole, it looks pretty promising." The audience was still clapping and cheering. Edge's palms were bruised from clapping so hard. "Alright, thet're going to give their scores: Ifrit -Holy guacamole, he used all of his overdrive points- 13.0! Tonberry, 9.2, Bahamut ZERO 8.9, Leviathan 10.0, and Hades … ummm… 1.7. Averaging out to 8.5 or 8.6, depending on how you round. For these purposes, I think that's 8.5. Cerberus, is that-… right. 8.5 it is, but I think Alexander has something to say to Hades. Oh dear… ALEXANDER! DONNNNNTTTT!"
The holy machine was had popped both of his launchers, obviously having passed Judgement on Hades. "You are defiling the scores of these noble ladies!" He shouted through his amplified voice "Such action is unbecoming of the lowest of swimsuit competition judges!"
A second later, the Judges' Booth was caught in a mushroom cloud of white light. Polariods and cards with numbers on them went flying as Alexander blasted the booth to pieces. Bahamut ZERO and Ifrit flew out as the booth detonated behind them, and Tonberry jumped (he landed OK. Those little bastards take a LOT of killing). Hades and Leviathan were caught in the huge blast of Holy energy. Leviathan staggered, but recovered in time to see Ramuh raining lightning down on Alexander, who promply shorted out. Hades was a crumpled robe on the floor.
Tonberry waved his hands, and the booth began to fix itself. Bahamut ZERO summed up the whole Hades situation with one word. "YESSSSSSS!" The dragon began doing flips in the air. "He's dead! He's gone! He's history! Who are we gonna get to replace him?"
"We can't" Tonberry replied "He already hosed Rinoa and Rydia's scores. It would give the rest an unfair advantage."
"Damn." Bahamut considered, then turned to the crumpled robe. "LIFE."
The robe groaned a bit and began to smoke.
"Dingus." Tonberry shoved Bahamut aside "leave it to you to screw up something this easy." He pointed at the smouldering robe. "DEATH!"
The robe inflated as it filled with black slime, which colaesced into Hades.
"Can we get on with the show?" Siren yelled over the P.A. Snickers broke out all over the stadium.
"It's OK!" Bahamut ZERO called back "We just had to bring Hades back to life- er- death, here."
"Alright!" Siren spoke again over the P.A. "We have time for our next contestant before the commercial break! Please welcome… Fujin Kazeno!"
Ifrit spun on Tonberry for what seemed like the umteenth time "You sold ad time on this? What the HELL were you thinking?"
Tonberry hissed back "I don't do this shit for free, ya know. Besides, the offers were just too good to pass up."
Fujin came onstage, wearing a white bikini of a fairly modest size. However, the size didn't matter, because combined with her albinism, it made her look like she was wearing nothing at all. Jaws hit the floor, and even Hades, with his penchant for death, looked impressed. Raijin was shouting encouragement as Fujin posed, and Seifer was looking like the cat that had eaten the canary.
However, some people don't like being called chicken-wuss, and pick the worst times to get revenge. Zell, in his ususal brilliant style, decied to take it out on Fujin right then and there. Standing up in his seat, the extended his hand towards her and shouted "WATER!"
As was to be expected, the large water bubble formed around her, floated her up into the air, and popped, dropping her to the stage. It hurt a little, but that wasn't the important part. She was now soaked to the skin.
Seifer stared, then let out a wolf whistle. Next to him, Raijin had suddenly shut up. In the bright lights of the stadium, all that stood in the way of Fujin and total nudity was a kind of blurring effect. It was obvious that Zell was thinking *Woah.*
Fujin was obviously thinking something else as realization hit her. Her eyes blazed, and, not bothering to try to dry herself, pointed her finger. "DEATH!"
There was a *Crack* of Death's scythe, and Zell slumped to the floor. Fujin took a bow and retreated hastily.
Silence.
Wild cheers broke out, complete with curtain calls. It took ten minutes for Neo Bahamut to restore order. Finally it was quiet enough for Siren to announce "Alright, I think the judges should announce their scores, and then everyone here should take a cold shower. Besides, we're late for commercial break. Ifrit, 10.0, Leviathan, also 10.0, Tonberry, 6.2, he must be getting fed up with these interruptions, Bahamut, 9.1, and Hades 7.2, the highest score he's awarded so far. That averages to 8.5, tying Fujin Kazeno for a first place that very few analysts predicted. However, the contest is still young. Hades seems to be warming up, but with Tonberry cooling down, who knows how things will turn out? Back after these messages."
Tonberry was cursing to himself as he watched his TV, which was set to the channel they were broadcasting on. It was currently playing a commercial for Phoenix's Egyptian Plover Service (Clean Your Scales/Hide of those Annoying Parasites for Just 250 Gil!) Ifrit leaned back, savoring the memories. He was just starting to get a clear picture of Fujin in his mind when he felt a needle prick his arm. He sat up sharply.
"Hiya!" Cactuar was looking a bit too happy "Howzitgoing Ifrit!" He was obviously on Mountain Dew again (because of their weakness against pure water, Cactuars have to dilute it with a more basic energy source: caffeine.)
"Not bad at all. If it keeps up like this… damn." The last word was in his best Will Smith voice.
"Goodtohearthat. Ifanyofthem-" he stopped, obviously stopping himself from saying something he shouldn't.
"Go on…" Ifrit replied. Cactuar ignored him and looked at the screen, which was still playing commercials (Minimog's Theraputic Dance: Restore your health TODAY!) then left the booth. Ifrit was going to follow him when Cerberus growled.
"Twenty seconds everyone!"
All of them jumped for their seats.
Siren's voice boomed out again. "OK, folks we're good to go! Our next candidate, the Spiran beauty, Lulu! She's a game girl, and she's not letting being kn …er…pregnancy slow her down."
Tidus, Auron, and Kimarhi clapped Wakka on the back as the still doped-up Yevonite grinned drunkenly.
But Ifrit only noticed this in passing, for Lulu had come out on stage. She was wearing a bikini made of belts. A large black one served for the top piece, which had had several notches added to the end to accomadate her pregnancy, which had put her in the same class with Tifa. Although somewhat wider in the waist than the others, the competition had come at exactly the right time: the former increase far outweighed the latter. She didn't pose, only shifted her stance as she let the effect sink in. As her parting move, she leaned far forward and blew a kiss at the audience. Everyone with a Y chromosome broke out in a sweat as she walked off the stage.
For the next ten seconds, noone seemed to breathe. Siren, slightly ticked at this, rearranged some of the wires on the sound system.
Everyone in the crowd ducked as feedback worthy of Bahamut's claws on a cosmic chalkboard split the air. Excited babble then broke out as Ifrit mentally moaned about wasting his overdrive points.
"And here's the score!" Siren shouted over the hubbub "Ifrit, 10! Big surprise there. Leviathan 11! Two overdrive points left. Bahamut ZERO, 8.4, don't know what his problem is. Tonberry, 9.8! Obviously saving his overdrives. Hades, 8! Bad for her, even if good for him. Dispite her pregnancy which, although good for the species, has ruined a lot of modeling careers, Lulu captures first place very handily with a 9.4! Good job."
Tidus looked at Wakka. "I hate you. HOW did you score with her when I- " he could sense Yuna raising her staff, murder in her eyes "-never even gave it a shot." He finished lamely.
Wakka only burped. Cloud, sitting in the row ahead of him, gagged and passed out.
Leviathan turned to Tonberry. "What's IN that bottle of Auron's?"
The mutant mole shook his head. "God only knows. Hades should know, he's an expert in death-dealing substances-"
"Jack Daniels, goat's milk, and wasabi." Bahamut ZERO interjected without looking up. "It takes some time to get used to. Say, your entire life."
All four of the other judges turned to him. "What the-"
Hades continued "Come to think of it, how do you know many of these things? Lulu's child's paternity comes to mind." His voice grew hoarse and accusing as he stood up "You hold a dark secret, eldest Bahamut. A secret that has just been dicovered."
Bahamut ZERO snorted "Dark secret my ass! It's called vision control, idiots, how else do you think I can target a mole from orbit?"
"You mean to say," Leviathan asked "you just spy on the mortals when you have nothing better to do?"
"Yup."
Leviathan reared up, sending chairs flying. "Pervert! Degenerate! Infringer of the mortals' privacy! Got any good pictures?"
Bahamut's wings folded again "Sure, I have a good one of Squall at the Balamb garden Christmas festival. Irvine spiked the punch, and Selphie lent Rinoa Strange Vision after Squall hit on her. Selphie, that is."
"Why?"
"HEY!" Cerberus growled "Are we gonna do this or what?"
"…woman." Siren was finishing her introduction "So please welcome General Celes Chere!"
Even though Lulu was a tough act to follow, Celes showed no signs of discouragement. With the self-confident air of a general, she strode out in a bathing suit that seemed to be made entirely out of high-grade cheesecloth. You probably couldn't go in the water with it, but the effect was stunning. Never one to loose her head, she spun around, centrifugue making the cloth cling to her. Although not as mind-boggling as Lulu, she was certianly better-proportioned, and her skin was flawless, tanned to a T. Her hourglass figure was clearly visible, as the suit left very little to the imagination. Suddenly, Zells' voice rang out "WAT-" *CRACK* "Rmmmm! Qftf! Fat urt."
Zell was holding his hand over his mouth, from which blood was running. Quistis was folding up Save the Queen, looking satisfied. Celes did a ballet spin, then bowed. The audience clapped appreciativly.
"Well, that went smoothly" Siren announced. "Now, here's the scores: Ifrit, 8.9, Leviathan, 9.5, Bahamut ZERO, 9.1, Tonberry, 9 (wonder where that came from), Hades, 6.7. Well, Tonberry gave her a perfect score, and she did well in the Hades hurtle, Cerberus do you have the average yet? My, 8.6, and Celes nails second by a hairsbredth. Let's see if our next contestant can measure up… please welcome Yuna!"
Hades turned to Tonberry as Yuna strode out. "Why are there none from the planet of Meteor? One of them died, will she be presenting?"
The lizard shot back: "There's only one left. Most beings get rather unattractive after they die, and one of the other women was too young. Only Tifa will be performing, if my memory serves, and she's coming out… next."
Yuna was in a one-piece bathing suit, stricken with stage fright. Kimahri, Wakka, Tidus, Auron, Rikku and Lulu were all shouting encouragement, but she didn't seem to hear them. Finally, after about a minute, she retreated hastily.
Silince, then Siren spoke up "Maybe it's just me, but I thought the models were supposed to… model. Never mind, let's see what the judges thi-" her voice was cut off by an electronic squawk as Hades reached over and switched on his microphone.
"She may have much reason to be frightened, as she too seems to have a secret, although a light and thus banal one. Congratulations, Tidus."
Tidus' mouth dropped open as the others clapped him on the back.
"Yay, Tidus, why didn't you tell us?" Rikku squealed happily, clapping her hand on his wallet. "When's it due?" Her hand withdrew, leaving Tidus's pocket about a thousand gil lighter.
"Yuna- what- why- when?" he croaked as the summoner sat down in her normal outfit.
"Hades told everyone what," she said crossly "and I should think you know why. When? Next December some time."
"December? That puts it at… uhhh…"
"April 2nd. Remember? Vacation? Beach? Me having to erase Kimahri's memory?"
"Oh yeah." He looked abashed "That was the time with the mmmmfff!"
Yuna had slapped her hand over his mouth.
"Comes to a 7.0." Came Siren's voice. "Better luck next time Yuna. We're doing very well, so here's the next contestant before break. Let's have a big hand forrr… Tifa Lockhart!"
Tifa sashayed onto stage, weaing a bikini the size of a DNA strand. Not missing a beat, she paused and tossed her head, then went into a clockork series of motions, during all of which the entire stadium was as silent as a tomb. Tifa made a waving motion with her upper body, highly reminiscent of a arab belly dance. Had the audience been standing, about half of the knees would have given out as her shoulders and chest rose and fell. With a stately bow, she turned and sidled out.
Cheers and whistles greeteed her departure like nothing before, only Lulu even coming close. "Well, she certainly had her repertoire down" Siren yelled over the din "Let's see what the judges think! Ifrit, 10! Leviathan, 11! Bahamut Zero, 9.5! Tonberry, 10! Hades… oh no, that can't be right …3.0. That brings the average to 8.7, bringing Tifa into third place."
Ifrit, Tonberry, Leviathan, and Bahamut ZERO were all glaring at Hades with looks that would shatter concrete as the airwaves cut to commercials. The lord of death tried to defend himself.
"She lacked the cadaverousness that defines true beauty. And she was highly mobile, all twitching and the like."
"SHE WAS INCREDIBLE! SHE WAS THE BEST FUCKING BROAD IN THIS ENTIRE SHOW, AND YOU DROPPED HER INTO INFERNAL THIRD PLACE! THIRD PLACE! INJUSTICCCCEEEE!" Ifrit howled.
"Sit down, Ifrit, I can sense that 'fucking' is the first thing on your mind." Hades shot back "that's what you organized this entire event with in mind."
"Maybe I did, but that doesn't mean you have to ruin the scores!"
"I award points justly. I am a judge. If I hose one, I hose them all."
"Yes- but- but-"
Tonberry stepped in "We're getting Alexander next time." He said simply.
Down on the floor, the guys were hanging out at the foot of the stage.
"Wakka, wake up man!" Tidus was hitting his friend, who had suddenly passed out.
"Here." A choked voice said behind him. He turned to see Cloud holding out a bottle. "Antidote."
"I thought it was just-" Tidus began.
"I don't know what it is, but it's putrid, whatever it is. His breath knocked me out, and now I have to get my materia back."
Tidus dumped the liquid into Wakka's mouth "What's a materia?"
"The stuff that lets me cast magic." Wakka sat up coughing "I have to get it back from-"
"BITCH!" the shriek reacked their ears, followed closely by
"DYKE!"
Tidus looked towards the sounds. "Rikku!"
Cloud glaned over "Yuffie!"
They looked at eack other. "DUCK!"
The two thieves were circling, Yuffie holding Conformer and looking pissed. Rikku looked no less pissed. Both had eack other's posessions stuffed into their pockets.
Sensing danger, Wakka jumped between them. "Hey, girls, break it up, ya?"
"Right Arm!" Wakka went flying as Yuffie's bomb went off a few feet away from him. He landed in a heap in a pile of chairs.
There was a *shink* and *click* noises. Vincent and Auron were standing there, looking ready to kill. Yuffie and Rikku seemed to lose about a foot each.
"Who's left?"
"Let's see… Lenna, Quistis, and Shera… who's Shera?" Tonberry asked.
"Meteor world." Bahamut ZERO replied "Cid Highwind's fiancée. Isn't that list a bit thin, though? What about Rosa, Terra, Yuffie…"
"Rosa and Terra are married, and didn't want to participate. Faris is still kind of mannish from all of her years of playing one, and she knows it."
"Disqualified?"
"Wouldn't come. She doesn't try anything she knows she's got no realistic chance at winning. Yuffie, Selphie, et al are too young. Besides, this is our first try at this kinda event, ever. If we can make it through this without a major disaster, it's more than we deserve."
"Right…" Tonberry had stopped listening about five minutes ago and was watching TV. The ad was for Eden Transdimensional (Whether saving a universe or a vacation to beyond the gulfs of space, high-speed transportaion at an unbeatable rate.)
"We are LIVE!" Cerberus announced.
"Her sister didn't want to come, but she's a talented performer in her own right, so please welcome… Princess Lenna!"
Butz in particular cheered as Lenna came on, wearing a floral-print bikini and a flower in her hair. She was more petite than the others, but was still a beauty, and her pink hair certainly made her distinctive. She came to the center of the stage, bowed, and began to dance.
But it wasn't an ordinary dance. She was turning and twisting in one place, and everyone's mind focused on her as they were caught up in her mystic dance. All seemed tranquil and relaxed as she slowed to a graceful stop…
"HEY! MY MP!" Rydia's shriek broke the silence, snapping everyone back to the present. "THAT BITCH STOLE MY MP!"
"Oops…" Lenna said in a small voice as Rydia leapt to her feet.
"I'LL KILL YOU!" With surprising agility, the summoner valted over Edgar's head and charged towards the stage. She was uncoiling her whip as she ran when an arm caught her around the waist.
"Hey, don't lose it." Sabin siad nonchelantly as he caught her whip hand. "You might hurt someone with that."
"You…" Rydia spluttered, then pointed her other hand at him "METEO!"
Comets of technicolor mystic energy fell from the sky, detonating against Sabin as he tried to shield himself from Rydia's attack.
As soon as his grip was gone, Rydia spun and pinted at the stage. "METEO!"
Nothing happened.
"Out of MP." Edge commented as Lenna erupted in blue light. Her Dancer clothes warped and twisted, becoming the armor of a Dragoon. She got in position, preparing to leap when a cold voice spoke up from the announcer's booth. "STOP. STOP."
Both of them froze, and Hades sat down again. Butz and Edge took took Lenna and Rydia back to their seats, then unfroze them.
"Thanks, Hades." Siren said "Well, let's give the judges a second… OK, here's the scores. Ifrit, 8.7, Leviathan 8.9, Bahamut ZERO… 10.5, and unconventional use of an overdrive point there, Tonberry, 9.0, Hades, 3.0. With an 8.0 average, Lenna comes in next-to-last." She cleared her throat and continued "Speaking of next-to-last, here's our contestant for that slot… let's hear it for Quistis Trepe!"
The applause were only scattered as the curtain moved. Seifer, Squall, Zell, and Raijin were sitting stony-faced, staring up at the stage. Then Quistis stepped out, and the clapping ceased.
Because nobody could summon up the mental power needed to do it. Quistis was in a one-piece bathing suit (if you can call it that) that was composed of simply a V of black material, covering the barest essentials. All in all, it looked like she had lost her bathing suit and done a quick substitution with electrical tape. She bowed and began to strike poses to show off her various angles.
"Heeey, baby!" Seifer shouted out of the crowd "How did you manage to hide the padding under that thing?"
Quistis turned with a haughty look on her face to face Seifer in the audience. "Such language is inappropriate here," she looked at Seifer. Then she narrowed her eyes. Then she leaned forward, obviously squinting "… uhhh… whoever you are! Mind your mouth!"
Raijin was snickering. Sabin, meanwhile, had taken out a Superball. Hiding it in the palm of his hand, he showed it to his brother, who nodded vigorously. The martial artist took a wind-up and launched the ball at the back of the stadium.
It bounced up off the wall, arcing over the heads of the crowd. Hitting the back of the stage, it rebounded again. Into the back of Quistis' neck, whose owner was still leaning forward. With a shriek, she toppled off the stage into Butz's lap.
Butz is as human as the next guy, so was it really so unexpected when his hand slipped as he tried to help her up?
A full can of Budweiser isn't a whip, but it can be deadly when wielded by the right hands. With a shriek, Quistis snatched one off the floor next to Irvine and began to beat Butz wildly over the head with it. "PERVERT! PERVERT! PERVERT!" The the Chosen Warrior of the Crystals yelled and tried to shield his head from the unrelenting torrent of blows. Twenty seconds later, Quistis went flying back onto the stage as the can exploded. She somersalted through the air and made a fairly effective three-point landing. Brushing her beer-soaked hair out of her eyes, she took a bow. The crowd began to cheer.
"She certianly has spirit." The announcer shouted over the din "Let's see what the judges think of her! Ifrit, 10.0, Leviantham 11.0, last overdrive point spent. Bahamut ZERO, 11 as well, Tonberry, 9.1, Hades, 5.7 for an average of… 9.3! Quistis takes second with 9.3!"
"And now, the final contestant, soon-to-be Shera Highwind, without the bottlecaps! Isn't she great?"
Shera stepped onto the stage, her hair caught up in a loose bun. She was wearing a low-in-the-back, lace-up-in-the-front yellow number that showed of her normally hidden assets. As she strode serenely on the stage, Cid yelled:
"FUCK yeah!"
Shera started a little, then began to strike modest poses. Kain whistled, then was quieted by Rydia. Shera leaned back for her last pose, then left as quietly as she had come.
"That could have used a little more spunk, bu tlet's see what the judges have to say. OK, Ifrit, 8.4, Leviathan, 8.6, Bahamut ZERO, 9.1, Tonberry, 9.7, Hades, 4.9. comes to… 8.1. Nothing spectacular, I'm afraid. So here's the final listings, in reverse order:
10th place, Yuna, with 7.0.
9th place, Rinoa, with 7.8.
8th place, Lenna, with 8.0
7th place, Shera, with 8.1.
Fujin and Rydia tied for 6th and 5th, with 8.5 apiece.
4th place,Celes, with 8.6
For bronze, we have Tifa with 8.7
For silver, we have Quistis with 9.3
And the winner isssss…. Lulu with 9.4! Let's giver her a HAND, folks!"
The stadium exploded. Lulu stood up and took a bow, grinning for ear to ear. "And here are the prizes: Tifa, you get 50,000 gil, an engraved trophy, and three gift cerificates to Kokol's, each one good for any one good or service that the greatest weaponsmith on the Blue Planet can provide! Transportation provided. Quistis, you get 250,000 gil, an engraved trophy, and ten gift certificates for ANYTHING under 100,000 gil, backed by Tonberry Acquisitions. Talk to him to redeem them. In addition, your dorm room will be filled with Draw points, particularly Aura, Full-Life, and Meltdown, and Ultima." Siren paused for effect and Cerberus played drum roll… "and… Lulu. As the winner of this contest, you get 1,000,000 gil, an engraved plaque, and ten certificates to Pheonix's Enchantment Mart. But all of that pales in comparison with the SECRET first prize… an economizer. Yes, Lulu, this mystical ring reduces all spell costs to 1 MP, and it's yours."
Lulu smiled in aknowledgement as the stadium erupted "And that's not all!" Serin yelled into the mike "All of the contestants, good job, and to those who didn't win, better luck next time! But as a small consolation prize, we're throwing a party, all present are invited. Also, we're planning to establish portals to your worlds, so if there's any more world-threatening crises, you can just come and ASK for help instead of tying yourselves into knots over materia or what-have-you. Besides, y'all will get to know each other."
Most of the audience missed everything after 'party.'
Because of his earlier disturbance, they had set Diablos as bartender. His only jobs was to make sure that, say, Palom and Porom didn't get sloshed. Summons are pretty lax about those things.
The muisc was deafening as everybody danced with their respective conterparts. Edgar and Terra, Locke and Celes, Cloud and Tifa.
By midnight, things had gotten interesting. Titan and Shiva were all over each other in the storage closet, Rinoa and Squall were adhereing to each other, and Yuna and Lulu were sharing reminiscences over the snack table. Ifrit, so far unsucessful with any women, was drinking himself blind. Feeling a familiar poke in his arm, he turned and saw a can of 7-up.
No, wait, it was Cactuar. "Whasha wan?"
"You'redrunk." The little plant said irritably. "You arrange this whole event because you can't get laid, and now you're ignoring all the women and getting smashed. Contrary to popular belief, that does not improve your chances of scoring."
Ifrit snarled. "I tried shat. S'hopelesh. Wush th' prblum th women have w' a good lookin fir elemntel?"
"Good-looking fire elemental? Where is it?" Cacutar joked. "Come on Ifrit, it's not so bad. What are you really missing, anyway?"
"Y'woodn't kno. Kaktwars reprodush askeses- asexable- th' no-fun way."
"OK," his friend replied "I'll see what I can do. In the meantime, don't drink any more."
Ifrit ignored him.
The next morning, Ifrit's first thought was to tell Doomtrain to get out of his skull. That damn poison summon was going around and around in his head, grinding his brain to hamburger and scraping against the inside of his skull. He opened his eyes, then shut them. Damn, why'd they have to make the sun so bright… oh wait, that was the lamp. A fireball solved that problem. Tucking his pillow under his horns, he rolled onto his back, planning to sleep until about the next geological era.
It took him a second for him to figure out what the nerves in his right arm were telling him. He had his arm around someone.
He turned. It was a human female, underneath the covers. Her skin was so white that Hades would have approved, and her face was partially obscured by her huge masses of white hair. The only weird thing about her was the strange paint smeared all over her face.
Dispite the pain in his head, he looked past her and saw a heap of clothes on the floor beside the bed. The few items that served him for clothes, and… a long red dress cut to accomidate a damn fine female figure. On the shoulders were ornimental wings made of wire and black feathers.
The strain on his eyes made the Doomtrain in his head begin to boost. Deciding to sort it out in the afterlife, Ifrit closed his eyes and fell into a hangover coma.
He was awoken by a sharp nudging in his ribs. "Do you have ta hit so hard?" he mumbled as he opened his burning eyes again.
"Hiya, kutie." He heard a woman's voice saying in his ears, followed by a giggle. "Was it good for you too?"
"Ummm…" he opened his eyes, and only saw a foggy blur. What the hell was wrong with him? "I hope so, I mean, I hope you had fun, because I was piss- ass drink last night, if you want to know the truth. If we actually did anything, I mean."
"We did. A sorceress never looses kontrol of herself, although the alkahol kan distort perceptions. Speeking of distorted perceptions, kan you see anything?"
"No."
"My bad. ESUNA." Ifrit relaxed a little as his vision cleared (his head felt a bit better, too) "I blinded you so you kouldn't watch me get up. General principle. Kare for some koffee?"
"Where'd you get the bethrobe?" Ifrit indicated the too-large fire-engine red batrobe that she had draped aound herself.
"I reskewed it from it's advancing state of dekomposition in you kloset."
"Oh."
An hour later, Ifrit strode into The Junction, feeling better than he had in years. Cactuar was sitting in his ususal spot, absorbing Jolt through one of his arms. He whistled when he saw Ifrit.
"Hey! Incendiany stud! How'd it go?"
"Whatcha mean?" Ifrit asked as he sat down.
"Carbuncle told me that you left the party with a foxy lady, but she didn't know who." He leaned as close as his glass allowed "So, who's the lucky lady, if she indeed lucky, ya know?"
Ifrit grinned "Lucky. Very, very lucky."
"So who is she?"
"Sorceress Ultimicia."
There was a *clop* noise as Cactuar fell off his stool, unconscious. He was up again a minute later. "Ultimicia? SORCERESS Ultimicia? You went home and screwed SORCERESS ULTIMICIA?"
"Ummmm…. Yes?"
"Memo to self: screen ticketholders next year." Cactuar turned on him "You know she tried to sieze control of the time stream, right? Destroy whatever got in her way? And how is she still alive?"
"Temporal displacement." A triple voice growled at their elbows. They looked and saw Cerberus. "When she was defeated, time splintered and various tangential…"
Twenty minutes later (Cerberus had taken to alternating heads) "… brought her here. Got it?"
"Could you give me the Occult Fan condensed version?"
"Basically, she's here because of the reality break-up, but she's lost most of her powers. No more time compression. No more real threat."
"OK, but still…" Cactuar looked uneasy.
"But still what? If she likes living with Ifrit, and he obviously doesn't object, what's wrong? Besides, if she ever tries to destroy the universe or anything, it's a lot safer that she's here as opposed to one of the mortal worlds." The rightmost eye winked. "I think we could take her."
All three of them nodded.
Ifrit walked into the door of his appartment at three o'clock.
Except that it wasn't his appartment. It couldn't be. No pizza boxes or tobasco bottles on the floor, no sentient laundry retreating from the light, only mixed-up furniture.
"Ultimica?"
The sorceress stepped out, still in his bathrobe. "I kleaned it. You like?"
"Yeh, but I was only gone for a couple hours! How'd you manage it?"
She blushed "I cheated a little. Tornado spells."
"That would explain the lamp wound around the curtian rod." He stepped in, still in slight shock "Where'd you put it all?"
"Let's put it this way. Don't talk to the owner of the green van for a few years, OK?"
"Uh-huh." He paused "Ultimicia… I talked to Cerberus, and it's OK if you stay here, but what'll you do? I mean…"
"I kan stay? Really?" A sly look crossed her face "I kan get a job; intrinsik magik is always handy."
"Would you stay with me?"
"You're shitting me, right?"
"No, I mean, I like you. You're more fun than most people I know, and I wouldn't have to get myself bent out of shape for a date every night. Besides, something might have happened last… I mean… if you don't have a problem it's easier for everyone concerned…"
"Well, do you want to know a sekret?" she leaned forward "I like you too, Ifrit. If I kan stay with you, I will. I know of Terra's mother, and kan see how that would be possible, now. So please, if you kan, let me stay?"
Without a word, they embraced and kissed.
"Ah, true love." Cactuar whispered to Carbuncle. "Keep snappin' em."
"It's turning into true lust. Very, very fast." Carbuncle giggled back as her ruby flickered slightly. "Oooh, I didn't know that she could-" she silenced herself as Cactuar spoke again.
"Ah, blackmail."