Author's Note: Zechs/Milliardo is the victim in this one… ^_~ Thanks to saba for the idea! I've already got Trowa and Wufei planned out… Any ideas would be appreciated. Hope you like it!
Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing. Just having fun with Zechs's hair…
The Pantene Pro-V Mix-up
by Dorothy Winner
~*~
Milliardo awoke to the sound of the vidphone beeping. He sighed and eased gently out of Noin's embrace, smiling as she stirred and murmured in her sleep. He pulled on a robe and turned on the vidphone. "What is it?"
Duo's face appeared on the screen. He looked slightly disappointed. "Um… erm… ah, L-Lady Une wants you down at Preventers HQ for something. Yeah, that's it," said Duo.
Milliardo raised an eyebrow. "All right… thanks, Duo." He turned off the vidphone. That was odd, he thought, Duo wasn't even wearing his Preventers uniform. He went into the bathroom and turned on the shower, letting it heat up before he stepped inside. He looked at his choice of shampoos, deciding on Pantene Pro-V rather than Noin's Clairol Herbal Essences, which smelled 'too feminine' for his liking. He poured some into his palm and massaged it into his long, platinum blonde tresses, humming off key to himself. He stepped back under the spray to wash out the shampoo.
He looked down at his feet. Green water was swirling down into the drain. Green? "What the…" Milliardo turned off the water and opened the shower door, and looked at himself in the mirror. "Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Noin was instantly jarred into wakefulness. She bolted out of the bed and grabbed her gun from the bedside table. Somebody was attacking Milliardo! Milliardo was screaming like she had never heard him scream before. It sounded like the screams were coming from the bathroom. She pounded on the bathroom door with her fist. "Open the door! Open the door!"
"Aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! AaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhh!!!!!!!"
Milliardo sounded like he was in agony. "That's it, I'm coming in!" Noin shot the doorknob to pieces and kicked the door open. Milliardo was standing there with a towel over his head. Noin looked around the bathroom. She didn't see any signs of forced entry. "Zechs! Whatever were you screaming for?"
"Please leave me alone, Noin," mumbled Milliardo beneath the towel, "I can no longer let anyone see me…"
"What are you talking about?" asked Noin, frowning in puzzlement. "And what is that towel doing over your head?"
Milliardo sank to the floor in despair. He pulled off the towel. "Look at my hair, Noin."
Noin stared at his hair, her expression a mixture of astonishment and horror. "Zechs, it's…it's… green!"
Green indeed it was, if it could be called that. It was a grotesque, pond scum, rot-colored, barf shade of green, with patches here and there of the original platinum blonde to heighten the ghastly effect. "How…how did this happen?"
"I don't know," moaned Milliardo, "I…I went to take a shower, and I used the Pantene Pro-V, and… and then…"
Noin went over to the shower and poured the Pantene Pro-V, thick, green liquid oozing out of the bottle. "Zechs, this isn't shampoo… it's…green hair dye! Why didn't you look at what you were pouring into your hand before you put it to your hair?"
"Well, why was there green hair dye in my Pantene Pro-V in the first place?" Milliardo was beginning to sound hysterical. "What am I going to do?"
Relena and Heero walked into Milliardo and Noin's room, looking very sleepy. "What was all that screaming?" asked Relena. "It sounded like somebody was dying…"
"Worse," said Noin. She gestured toward Milliardo in the bathroom, who had to choose between covering himself or his hair. He chose to put the towel around his waist, which, of course, left his hair for Relena and Heero to see.
Relena gasped. "Oh my goodness. What happened to your hair?"
The corners of Heero's mouth twitched. Milliardo glared at him. "Not one word, Yuy. Not one word."
Relena looked from Heero to Milliardo. "Um…um, Heero, I think we'd better go." The two of them turned to leave. "I'm so sorry, Milliardo," said Relena, as she dragged a smirking Heero out of the room.
Noin checked the bottle of Clairol Herbal Essences, which, fortunately, had remained shampoo. "Well," said Noin, "I suppose we'd better see if we can wash this stuff out."
~*~
Half a bottle of Clairol Herbal Essences and twenty rinses later, the green hair dye showed no signs of washing out of Milliardo' hair, not fading the least bit. Noin sighed, her arms beginning to tire from the repeated scrubbings. "It's no use, Zechs, I don't think this is coming out," she said. "I think we might have to cut it."
Milliardo's mood had turned from despairing into furious. "WHAT??? You want to cut my hair?"
"Well, I can't think of anything else. Hair grows back, you know. Besides, you can't go to work at Preventers with your hair looking like that," said Noin.
Preventers… Preventers… Milliardo suddenly remembered something. He leapt to his feet. "Maxwell! He did this! He put the dye in my shampoo!"
Noin looked taken aback. "Zechs…calm down…please…"
"He called me this morning to tell me to report at Preventers HQ, but he wasn't even wearing a uniform! He just wanted to see if my hair was green yet!" Milliardo was apoplectic with rage. "I'll kill him! I'll kill him!"
"Look, we don't know that…" began Noin.
"YES HE DID! This is exactly the sort of thing Maxwell would do!" Milliardo clenched his hands into fists. "When I get my hands on him…" He grabbed a towel, quickly drying himself off, and put on the first set of clothes he encountered—his Preventers uniform. He rummaged around in his closet and dug out his Zechs Merquise helmet, tucking his green-blonde hair inside before putting it on his head.
"Zechs!" cried Noin. "Where are you going?"
"After Maxwell!"
~*~
Duo Maxwell sauntered down the stairs of his house to the kitchen, where Hilde was making breakfast. He gave her a squeeze on her behind. "Duo! Stop that!" snapped Hilde.
Duo gave her a little kiss on the cheek. "Love ya, babe. What's for eating?"
"Pancakes and sausage," said Hilde, pouring some batter into a pan.
"Yum!" Duo kissed her again and plopped himself down at the table like a hungry child, grinning.
"Why are you in such a good mood?" asked Hilde. "I know you're not a morning person."
Duo chuckled. "Well, let's just say…a plan of mine is about to succeed."
Hilde's eyes narrowed. "I don't like that look in your eyes. What did you do this time, Duo?"
Duo grinned sheepishly. "N-nothing, Hilde-babe."
"You're up to something! What is it?" asked Hilde.
Duo gave her his innocent puppy-dog look. "Who, me? I didn't do anything."
"By saying that, now I'm positive that you really did do something. Spill it."
"Mmmm, are those pancakes ready yet?" asked Duo.
"Du-o!" Hilde said exasperatedly. "Fine. But if someone comes after your head, don't expect me to save your ass."
The two of them were interrupted by the sound of screeching tires. Hilde looked up. "What the hell was that?"
They heard a car door slam and someone pounding on the front door. Duo went pale.
"Well, get the door, Duo, it's rude to keep visitors waiting outside," said Hilde.
"Um…um…you get it," stuttered Duo, his voice sounding higher than usual.
"Do you want your pancakes burned or what? Get the door," Hilde ordered.
Duo very reluctantly went to the front door and slowly opened it. A glowering Milliardo Peacecraft stood there, looking none too happy.
Duo sweatdropped. "Heh…gonna start wearing the helmet again?"
Milliardo lifted Duo by his shirt collar with one arm until Duo's feet were dangling in the air. "Hilde! Help me!" He managed to look to the side and saw Hilde standing there, shaking her head.
"Sorry, Duo, you're on your own."
~*~
It was necessary to cut Milliardo's hair as close as possible. He complained that his hair hadn't been this short since he was six. Noin had managed to comfort Milliardo by saying that Sally was working on a formula to stimulate Milliardo's hair follicles to make his hair grow back faster. It was called Rogaine, she said. Still, Milliardo's new haircut didn't fail to produce a perfect sensation the first day he went back to work at Preventers. Nobody dared to make a comment, though, because nobody wanted to suffer the same fate Duo Maxwell had.
~*~
"Okay, Duo, open up."
Duo opened his mouth and swallowed the spoonful of gruel Hilde gave him. "The doctor says you should be able to eat solid food next week," she said. "You should be able to see out of your right eye in about a month."
Duo grunted, which was about all the sound he could make in response, because Milliardo had damaged the vocal cords in his throat trying to strangle him. Even so, Duo was expected to make a complete, albeit slow, recovery.
Hilde hugged Duo, even with his broken left leg and two broken arms. "I love you, Duo, I'm so sorry I didn't help you; I didn't realize that Milliardo was going to beat you up so bad…"
Duo's remaining good eye twinkled mischievously. Yeah, so Milliardo had beaten him to a bloody pulp, and he was now laid up in a wheelchair for the next six months. What did he think of it?
Plenty of time to plan a prank for his next victim!
~*~
Fin