Author's Note: This is the third fic in my Duo's Pranks series… Thank you so much for your encouraging reviews! They inspire me to keep writing! The idea for this story is again accredited to saba, to which I added a little twist… You can probably guess from the title what will happen… ^_~
Disclaimers: Don't own Gundam Wing. Just giving Wufei a change of wardrobe…
Pink Pajamas
by Dorothy Winner
~*~
Sally walked into the room where Wufei was practicing his martial arts. "What do you want, onna?" Wufei asked.
"We will have some guests staying over next week," stated Sally.
Wufei continued to do a series of kicks. "Who?"
"Duo and Hilde."
Wufei froze in mid-kick and fell in an undignified heap on the floor. He quickly stood up. "What? You invited that baka and his woman to come here to our house?"
"Yes," said Sally, "and they will be guests in our house. I expect you to treat them with the same courtesy as any other guest."
"Guest? Maxwell is not an ordinary guest, he is a walking disaster waiting to happen!" exclaimed Wufei. "Certain precautions must be taken around that…that…man. We shall have to lock everything up… hide the breakables… put all our china and porcelain figures away…"
"For goodness sake, Wufei, he's a grown man, not a three-year-old," said Sally.
"He is exactly like a three-year old! He is hyperactive and childish and immature and he never shuts up!"
"Stop overreacting, Wufei," Sally said reproachfully, "you should be happy for him, he just got his casts off…"
"That was his own fault. That braided baka should not have crossed Milliardo Peacecraft," said Wufei.
"Don't be so hard on Duo, he's a good person, and you and I both know that," admonished Sally. "It will be a very nice experience for both Duo and Hilde. Hilde has lived in the colonies most of her life; she's never been to China, and she's really looking forward to it…"
"Well, she's okay, why does Maxwell have to come?" Wufei complained.
"Stop being inconsiderate, Wufei. It would be very rude to just invite Hilde and not Duo. They're practically engaged, and Hilde would be very upset if Duo couldn't come along." Sally straightened. "Anyways, I didn't come in here to argue with you. I came to tell you that they're coming for a visit, and they're arriving this Sunday, and they're staying for a week, and you can't argue otherwise." She turned and walked out of the room.
Wufei stared after her in disbelief. How had that woman gained so much control over him?
~*~
"Hey, Wu-man! Whassup?" Duo practically glomped Wufei when they arrived at the door, smothering him in a huge bear hug. "I've missed you a lot, man!"
"Hello, Duo," said Wufei, somewhat stiffly.
Duo let go of Wufei. "Sally! How's my favorite doctor doing?" he asked, hugging her as well.
Sally laughed. "I'm very well, Duo. Here, Hilde, let me help you with your bags," she said.
"Thank you," said Hilde. "I'm so glad you invited us here. China is such a beautiful place. I love the trees and the mountains…"
"Would you like me to give you a little tour?" Sally offered, smiling.
"Really?" said Hilde. "I'd love that!"
Sally turned toward Wufei and Duo. "Do you guys want to come with us?"
Wufei opened his mouth to answer, but Duo beat him to it. "Nope, Wu-man and I will be fine here, you ladies go ahead and have fun on your tour!"
"All right, we'll be back in a bit." Sally and Hilde left.
Wufei ran to the window. "No! Sally! Do not leave me here alone with Maxwell!" His words fell on deaf ears.
"Guess you're stuck with me, Wu-man!" Duo said cheerfully, giving Wufei a hearty slap on the back.
"Do not call me that, Maxwell!" Wufei said angrily.
"Mmmkay. Nice house you got here, Wuffie," said Duo. He reached for a tall blue and white vase. "Oooooh, pretty…"
"Do not touch that, Maxwell!" yelled Wufei. "That is a priceless vase from the Ming Dynasty!"
"Oh." Duo quickly drew his hand back, turning his attention to a large red tapestry on the wall with Chinese calligraphy on it. "What does that say?"
"Well, it is a Chinese proverb that means…" As Wufei went on and explained the characters and translations, Duo spotted several sets of Chinese therapy balls on a table. He picked up one of the metal balls from its box and shook it, listening to it chime. "Cool," he whispered. He grabbed the rest of them and started juggling them in the air. "Look, Wuffie, I'm juggling!" cried Duo.
Wufei turned around. "No! Those are not used for juggling!"
"Whoops!" To Wufei's horror, Duo dropped one, and it fell to the floor with a large thunk.
"Oy…" Duo picked it up to reveal a rather large new dent in the wood floor.
Wufei closed his eyes. 'Must remain calm, must remain calm…' "Look, Maxwell, do not touch anything unless I give you permission, okay?"
"Sorry, Wu-man…" Duo examined the dent. "I think I can fix it, though…"
"NO! I mean, it's okay, you don't have to, really." A sudden inspiration came to Wufei. "Here, Maxwell," he said, going to a drawer and taking out a small straw tube, "this is called a Chinese finger trap. You just put one finger in one end, and your other finger in the other…"
"Cool!" Duo stuck his index fingers in each end. Then he tried to pull them out, tugging his fingers in opposite directions. The straw tightened around his fingers. "Um, Wu-man…" he said, tugging again unsuccessfully, "I can't get my fingers out…"
"That's why it's called a finger trap, Maxwell…"
Wufei was extremely relieved when Hilde and Sally finally returned from their tour. "Your house is so beautiful," gushed Hilde, "and it has a wonderful view." She looked at Wufei and Duo. "Why is there a giant dent in the floor? And what are you doing with your fingers?"
Wufei sighed. It was going to be a long visit…
~*~
The next several days went by uneventfully, much to Wufei's relief. It has been almost normal, except for their first meal, when Duo had some trouble with the chopsticks. No matter how much Wufei and Sally tried to teach him how to use them, food seemed to end up everywhere except Duo's mouth. In the end, Duo gave up, put the plate to his lips, and scraped the food into his mouth with the chopsticks. Needless to say, the four of them went into town the next day and bought Duo a spoon and a fork.
Since then, though, Duo had been helpful, courteous, well behaved… he even started calling him Wufei. It made Wufei very suspicious. What was Maxwell up to?
He was sitting at breakfast pondering this very question when Sally announced, "Today we're taking you guys to see the Great Wall of China."
"I thought the Great Wall of China was thousands of miles long," said Hilde.
"Oh, it is," said Sally. "We'll only be walking on part of it, though. Most of the Great Wall is closed off to the public."
"Sorry, guys, but I can't go," said Duo suddenly.
"What?" Wufei, Sally, and Hilde asked at the same time.
"Well," said Duo, "we've been doing a lot of walking, you know, seeing the sights and everything, and I'm afraid my leg's not quite all the way back in top shape. It was in that cast all that time, and the muscles atrophied, and it's been getting stronger, but I've started limping lately, so maybe I should take it easy for a while…"
Wufei's eyes narrowed. It was true, he had noticed a limp in Duo's walk the day before, but something was not quite right…
"Oh, of course, Duo," said Sally. "That sometimes happens to people who have worn casts for an extended period of time. If you're experiencing any pain, it's best to stay off of it, sit down, elevate the leg…"
"Thanks, Sally," said Duo. "I knew you'd understand. Just take a lot of pictures for me, okay?"
"You mean we're going to leave Duo here in our house all alone?" Wufei asked.
"It's okay, Wufei, I promise I won't break any of your stuff," said Duo.
"You expect me to believe you?" Wufei said skeptically.
"Stop it, Wufei," Sally said sternly. "We've already discussed this…"
Wufei huffed. "Fine. But if you do anything to my house or anything in it, you're going to regret it, Maxwell. Is that clear?"
Duo smiled his not-so-innocent smile. "Crystal."
~*~
Once Wufei, Sally, and Hilde left, Duo got up out of the chair, walking very well to the bathroom for someone who claimed to have a limp. He went over to the bathtub and turned on the hot water, letting it fill. He reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out a packet of pink powder, tore it open and poured the powder into the water, which turned into a dark magenta color.
Duo went to Wufei and Sally's room, opening Wufei's closet to reveal several sets of immaculately white Chinese pants and jackets. Duo gleefully rubbed his hands together, removed the clothes from their hangers, and took them back to the bathroom. One by one, he dropped the clothes into the magenta water and gave it a stir with a back brush. He decided to wait for a while in order to let the dye absorb.
Half an hour later, Duo went back into the bathroom and drained out the water. As the last of the water swirled down the drain, Duo chuckled evilly to himself.
Wufei's clothes were now…hot pink.
~*~
Wufei, Sally, and Hilde returned to find Duo sitting on the floor, attempting to build a pyramid with Wufei's mahjongg set.
"No, Maxwell! Those are not used as playing blocks!" exclaimed Wufei.
But it was too late. "Whoops!" Duo's pyramid collapsed and the mahjongg tiles scattered all over the floor. "Don't worry… I'll get 'em…" Duo reached for one under a table and hit his elbow on a leg, upsetting the precious Ming dynasty vase on it.
"NO!" Wufei made a spectacular dive and slid across the floor, barely catching the vase in time. Wufei sighed with relief.
Sally and Hilde applauded. "Ten," they said at the same time.
Wufei got up and put the vase back on the table, scowling. "I return to my home for less than five minutes and already you have managed to scatter my entire mahjongg set all over the living room and topple a priceless vase. What else have you done to my house, Maxwell?"
"I didn't do anything," said Duo.
Wufei glared at him. "I find that very difficult to believe."
Duo looked at Wufei with his puppy-dog eyes. "But I never tell a lie."
"That look does not work on me, Maxwell," snapped Wufei. " Do you take me for a fool? Do not expect me to believe that you didn't do anything to my house while being left alone in it all day."
"I swear I didn't do anything," said Duo. "Gundam pilot's honor."
"Do not speak to me about honor, Maxwell! You have no honor!"
"Look, if you're mad about the blocks…"
"Do not attempt to change the subject!" shouted Wufei. "Tell me what you did!"
"That is enough, Wufei!" said Sally. "Let it go."
"But—"
"Let it go." Sally repeated sternly. Wufei grumbled, muttering something about onnas and respect.
"What was that, Wufei?"
"None of your business, woman," Wufei retorted.
Silence.
"It's too bad you couldn't see the Great Wall, Duo," Hilde broke in, trying to ease the sudden tension in the room. "Did you know that the workers who died while building it were buried inside the wall?"
"Really? How cool," said Duo. "How many?"
"Oh, they don't know," said Hilde, "thousands maybe." She looked at Sally, who was glaring at Wufei, who was glaring at Duo, who was still picking up the mahjongg tiles. "You know what, I think you should all apologize to each other."
Sally blinked and looked at Hilde. "Of course, you're right, Hilde. I'm sorry for being so harsh to you, Wufei."
"Yeah, and I'm sorry I messed up your mahjongg blocks and knocked over your vase," said Duo.
Everyone looked at Wufei expectantly.
Wufei huffed. "Oh all right. I'm sorry I yelled at you, Maxwell," he said brusquely.
Hilde smiled happily. "See? Isn't that much better? Now let's just forget about the whole thing, okay? It's almost time for dinner; I'll help you cook, Sally."
"We're eating? Yeah!" cried Duo.
Wufei shook his head. "You truly are a bottomless pit, Maxwell."
~*~
After dinner, the four of them decided to watch a movie. After some debate, they settled on 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon,' with the subtitles on for Duo and Hilde's benefit.
Wufei scoffed. "This movie is unrealistic. People do not fly through the air like that. What did they do, film this movie in zero-g?"
"Actually, no," said Sally. "This movie was made in the early 21st century A.D. They had to pull people up with ropes to make them fly…"
"Did you see how she put that giant blade right through that guy's skull?" exclaimed Duo. "And how that other guy chopped her sword up into little bits with the Green Destiny and the pieces just tore her insides apart…"
"What a sad, sad ending," sniffed Hilde, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. "I didn't think Li Wu Bai was going to die…"
"It is just a movie," Wufei said scornfully. "It is a work of fiction. It is not real. There is no reason to get caught up in it…"
"You didn't like the movie, Wufei?" asked Sally. "I thought you would have liked the martial arts sequences…"
"Well, it was either this or Maxwell's 'Spaceballs,'" said Wufei.
"Hey, don't diss Spaceballs; Spaceballs is a great movie," said Duo. "'And I see your Schwartz is as big as mine! But let's see how you handle it!'"
Everyone gave Duo a very odd look.
"Um… never mind." Duo yawned. "I think it's nighty-night for me." He stood up and left for the bedroom he and Hilde were staying in.
"Yeah, we'll see you tomorrow morning, you guys," said Hilde, getting up and following Duo.
Sally dragged Wufei to his feet. "C'mon, Wufei, let's go to bed," she said, pulling on his arm.
"Let go of me, woman." Wufei harrumphed. "If there were a movie about us, it would be called 'Crazy Onna, Mighty Dragon.'"
Sally smacked him in the arm.
~*~
Wufei awoke at dawn, which he did regularly, to do his morning meditations outside in the mountains. He got out of bed, careful not to wake the still sleeping Sally, and put his hair into its customary ponytail. He went to his closet and opened it.
Wufei blinked. Why had everything gone pink all of a sudden? He searched through the entire closet, rummaging through the hangers. Every single one of his clothes was pink!
There was only one person who could be responsible for this.
"MMMMAAAAAAAAAXXWWWELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
~*~
Hilde woke with a start. "What is going on? Who is doing all that yelling?"
Duo sat up nervously. "Heh…must be…"
BANG.
The door flew open with such force that it fell off its hinges and crashed to the floor. A very irate Wufei stood there, in just his boxers, his black eyes glittering furiously. It looked like steam was going to come out of his ears. He slowly raised the sword in his hand, pointing it directly at Duo.
Duo gulped, backing up until he hit his head on the headboard. "So…here to borrow some of my clothes?"
This was exactly the wrong thing to say, and Duo knew it. Wufei's face contorted with rage. "KISAMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Yipe! Gotta go!" Duo bolted out of the bed and scrambled out the window, which he had left open just for such an escape.
"Maxwell! You cannot run from me!" Wufei climbed out the window after him. "I swear I will have justice!"
Hilde and Sally ran to the window to see Wufei chasing Duo through the Chinese wilderness, both in just their boxers. "Hilde! Help me!" cried Duo.
Hilde sighed, shaking her head. "He always says that."
"Looks like Duo's really in for it this time," said Sally. "Do you have a life insurance policy on that guy?"
Hilde laughed. "Are you kidding me? No insurance company is willing to cover him…"
"I can see why," said Sally dryly.
"Now you shall suffer my wrath!" roared Wufei, waving his katana in the air as he chased after Duo.
"Bring it on, Justice Boy!" Duo yelled, running around and laughing like a maniac.
Hilde and Sally looked at each other. "Men," they said at the same time.
~*~
Wufei chased Duo into a bamboo forest, hacking bamboo branches out of his way with his sword. "Coward!" he shouted. "Turn around and face me, you weakling!"
"Sorry, but I'm going to have to say no to that!" Duo yelled back. "Yikes!" The forest abruptly ended at the edge of a cliff. The bottom of the cliff was lost in swirls of mist. Duo was trapped.
Wufei knew that the cliff was there. He spotted Duo just beyond the trees, unable to go any further. He had him now. He lunged and took a swipe at Duo with his sword.
Duo's scalp suddenly felt… less weighted. He turned around to see Wufei standing there, katana in hand, a triumphant look on his face. "Justice is served," he said with satisfaction.
Duo looked down in front of him. Twelve inches of braid lay on the ground.
"NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!"
~*~
However, the fact remained that Wufei's clothes were still pink.
Sally inspected a pair of pink Chinese pants. "Well, I think I should be able to bleach the dye out," she said. "They're going to have to soak for some time, though." She looked at Wufei, who was sitting on the edge of the bed, still in his white silk boxers, now the only article of his clothing that was still white. "Don't you have anything else you can wear in the meantime?"
"Onna, if I did, I wouldn't be sitting here in just my boxers, would I?" snapped Wufei.
"Okay…" Sally thought for a moment. "I should be able to lend you some of my clothes for now…"
"Injustice!" cried Wufei. "I do not wear women's clothing!"
"Well, you don't really have a choice, do you?" Sally retorted. "Would you rather wear these?" she asked, waving the pink pants in the air.
"I am not wearing that nor any of your clothing, onna!" yelled Wufei. "It is dishonorable for a man to wear women's clothes! It is not…masculine!"
"Oh, excuse me if I have offended your male pride," Sally hissed. "I should have known better than to try and help you…"
"I do not need your help, woman!" Wufei replied angrily.
"Fine!" huffed Sally. "Go naked. See if I…care." Her gaze drifted down to his boxers. "Actually…" she licked her lips, "…that might not be so…bad…" she whispered as she slowly approached Wufei with a predatory look in her eyes.
Wufei's anger quickly turned into desire. "Onna…"
~*~
The atmosphere in Duo and Hilde's house upon their return was a very somber and gloomy one indeed.
Duo's hair, which used to reach his hips, was now only down to the middle of his back. Duo was having a hard time deciding what to do with the shorn-off part of his braid. He couldn't bear to just throw it out; that seemed… unsuitable and inappropriate. He couldn't keep it, either; it would just serve as a painful reminder of his "hair loss" every time he looked at it. He didn't want to sell it; to have his hair end up in a wig was just… sacrilegious.
Which was why Duo and Hilde were standing in their backyard, giving it a proper funeral.
Duo sniffed, a big tear rolling down his nose and splashing off at the end of it. "My poor, beautiful braid…I shouldn't have lost you this way. Not like this." He turned his watery gaze toward Hilde. "Would you like to say something?"
Hilde sighed. The things she did out of love for this man… "Uh, I'll never forget the time Heero tried to use you as a paintbrush for his Gundam because Duo hid his real one…I'll… I'll miss you too."
"Good ole Heero…" His sight blurring, Duo blinked back tears. "I remember when he used you to try and choke me for putting shaving cream in his moon boots…"
Tears came into Hilde's eyes then, although they were tears of mirth, not sorrow. "And when Milliardo stuffed you into Duo's mouth to try to get him to stop talking…"
"And when Quatre fell out of his chair at breakfast and thought I was some kind of monster because I hadn't brushed and braided my hair yet…"
"And when the hair stylist in the Bahamas nearly cried when Duo asked for full cornrows…"
"Those were good times…I'm really gonna miss ya a lot," Duo said, his voice cracking.
Hilde suddenly felt some sympathy for Duo. He looked so pitiful standing there, utterly miserable, trying not to cry. "Awwwww, Duo…come here…" She held her arms out to Duo, who immediately went into her embrace and burst into tears.
"It's okay, Duo, your hair will grow back," she said comfortingly, cradling him like a small child. "You see? You should stop with these pranks; all they're going to do is get you hurt. Haven't you learned your lesson now?"
Duo stopped crying and lifted his head, an impish look in his eyes. "Yeah…next time I won't get caught!"
~*~
Fin