A/N: This is Christine's story. Please, review, whether you like it or not. I need to know if I'm doing a good job or not.
My best friend for the past ten years has just moved across an entire ocean because of an argument. Of course, it was a rather important argument, even if we're not exactly mad at each other. My thoughts are a bit muddled after the past few weeks. Halloween seems like an eon ago, but it's not even December yet. At least Auri stayed long enough for her birthday. It's just so strange not having her here. We lived together for ten years and now I can't even see her on a regular basis. Scratch that. I can't see her at all. She actually told me that I couldn't visit her.
"Christine, I just think that it would be better if I had some time to settle myself before you visited. And maybe it's better if we don't see each other anyway. You know we'll only start talking about him again," she said.
"Him." That meant Sirius. I really don't know what to think about him. I'm torn between the two sides. Remus considers him a traitorous bastard and feels betrayed himself. Aurora refuses to accept that he could ever have betrayed our friends.
I don't find it all that likely that Sirius was the traitor. How could he be? He was James' best friend and Harry's godfather. He adored that boy and his mother and loved James like a brother. Unfortunately, that's the only possibility, as unlikely as it is. One of the theories floating around is that Sirius wanted Lily and Harry for himself and betrayed them to Voldemort when he realized that he couldn't have them. Now that is ridiculous. All anyone had to do is take a look at how Sirius was with Aurora and they'd know that wasn't true.
Back to the subject of my negligent best friend. At least she stayed long enough to find a replacement in the shop. Sold me her half of the business for just enough to get her started in New York and left. I bet she thought she was being generous by selling it for less than half of its' worth. If she was really going to be thoughtful, she would have considered my feelings and stayed. All I have left now is that stupid shop and Remus.
Not that I'm knocking him. I love that bloody werewolf. But he's been nearly unbearable lately. First with the coldness towards Auri when she wouldn't see things his way, and then he started snapping at me for nothing. He rarely touches me now. Not that I've been exactly randy recently, but a little affection would be nice. When we do have sex, it's mechanical almost. It's just shagging and then sleeping on opposite sides of the bed. I understand that he's hurting, but doesn't he get that my heart's breaking over here? His call from downstairs breaks through my haze of self-pity and loathing for a moment and I go to meet him in the kitchen.
"You need to shave," are the first words out of my mouth when I see him. Not the best way to start a conversation, I realize, but I've never really been known for diplomacy.
"Well, I could comment on the changes you need to make in your appearance, but I'm not really in the mood for a blazing row." His voice is cold and I mentally smack myself for being such an idiot.
"All I meant was that you should take better care of yourself." I tell him meekly.
"Yes, well maybe if I had a bit more time on my hands, I would. As it is, I barely have enough time for a meal and a quick change of clothes before I have to get back to work." I sighed and resigned myself to yet another night alone.
"Why don't you go change and I'll fix you something to eat?" I offer. He nods and heads upstairs without another word.
Remus' job, if you could call it that, is working as a research assistant to the head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures. The job pays crap and I've always considered it an odd place for a werewolf to work, but Remus seems to think that he might be able to change the system from the inside. Or at least he did. He doesn't really care about much anymore.
What I'm really worried about is that in two days is the full moon. It'll be the first time in seven years that he's transformed without his friends there. Even during the summers between school years, the boys would come out here and be with him during the full moon. I already know that I'm going to have to make some healing potions ready for him. I just don't even know what to do about him anymore.
My sister owled me yesterday to ask if I could come and visit with her. Translation: "I need someone to baby-sit the children while I'm off pretending to like my husband. I don't like you very much either, but Mother won't do it, so you'll have to do for now."
Sometimes I get an unbearably strong urge to punch Genevieve very hard on the nose. Never mind that she's got about six inches, ten years, and forty pounds on me. We take sibling rivalry to the extreme. At one point, she wouldn't let my niece and nephew see me because she thought that they were starting to like me more then they liked her. And of course Mum won't say anything to interfere. I love my mother very much, but I don't get why she won't just take my side for once.
Despite all of this, I'm very seriously considering going back home for a while. I need to get away from this house. Also, I haven't seen Mum since before Lily's death and I think I need to have a good cry with her. There's nothing more therapeutic than crying to your mother. And as for Remus, I can't stand to be around him right now. I'll stay long enough to help him recover for the full moon, but after that, I think I'm going to go home for a long visit.
*****
Oh God. How could he do that to himself? He's got gashes all over his chest and burn marks on his hands and face. He must have thrown himself up against the silver bars on the inside of the door. He told me once that his father had to put them up all over the walls inside the hut because he had broken through the wall as a child. Thankfully, the house is pretty secluded and his parents had secured the house well. No one was hurt except Remus. When his father found him the next morning, he had a wooden stake sticking out of his leg.
I've had to bandage Remus up before for minor things. Scratches from a wrestling match with Sirius and other stupid stuff. Seeing this, I realize how his parents must have felt during his first few transformations; absolutely helpless.
Through my tears I notice Remus looking at me with the same look that's been on his face for days, resentment. Why can't this just stop? Why can't we just get over this? I'm not saying that we should pretend that it never happened, but we've got to get past this. I'm starting to wonder if it might be better to never come back from my trip to Ireland.
Can I really leave him though? Just leave him here to fend for himself? I realize that he's not helpless. He's a full-grown and completely competent wizard. But if I left, then he would have no one left. When his parents died a few years ago, he went into a fit of depression. It took getting smacked around by the boys and a revelation that he wasn't really alone in the world as long as he had his friends to come back to his normal self. Well now I'm all he has left. Me, this rather empty house, and that crap job that he hates. Wow, I'd be depressed too. And without the money from the shop, I don't know if he'd be able to support himself. I would just give him the shop, but he can't make potions to save his life.
But the other question is, can I stay any longer knowing that it's only a matter of time before we start truly hating each other? It's true that he might hate me for leaving, but I would rather it be for leaving than for the way I talk or the way I squeeze toothpaste out of the tube. I don't want him to hate me because it's me, if that makes any sense.
"Why are you crying?" he asks.
"I don't like seeing you hurt."
"You don't have to do this. I'll heal on my own."
"I don't mind."
"Well I do mind seeing you cry." I sigh and try wiping the tears away.
"I'm going to visit Mum and Gen tomorrow."
"For how long?"
"I'm not sure. Probably a long time."
"Are you going to come back?" I look at him sharply. This is the first time in weeks that he's looked compassionate.
"I don't know." I wish I could just stop crying. I'm starting to get a headache and I can't think clearly. I collapse against him and weep harder. I know I'm hurting him a bit, but most of me just doesn't give a damn. He deserves it. He deserves to feel how much he hurts me. I think he realizes that because he hasn't made a move except to put an arm round me.
"I don't want to hate you, Remus. And I couldn't stand it if you hated me." I tell him.
"Me neither. And this isn't just going to fix itself."
"No, it's not. And I don't know how to fix it either."
"God, we're doomed aren't we?"
"Just a little bit." I almost laugh at how ridiculous we sound. How can two people love each other as we do and still not make it work? Whatever happened to only needing love? Well, that statement needs to be amended. All you need is love and a stable mind.
*****
Last night we made love. It was the first time in weeks, and it'll be the last time for a very long time. Maybe forever. When I showed up on Gen's doorstep this morning, I think she understood everything that I was going through. Either that or she couldn't stand to criticize me while I looked that depressed. She just helped me haul in my life off the stoop and held me while I cried. Later, Mum came over and it was like one huge cry-fest. They listened to my whole, sad tale and commented on it without criticism. They let me cry and fed me chocolate. And then they both wept over the men in their lives.
Mum cried over the man she didn't marry and the death of the man she did. Actually, we all cried over Dad. And then Gen told us all about how horrible and unloving Ian was to her. And how she still couldn't help but love him because he had given her two beautiful children. I'm beginning to think that all of the women in out family are cursed in love. I almost wish that we were. Then I would have something other than myself to blame for this.
*****
Dear Remus,
I'm more or less settled in here. I hadn't realized how much I missed Ireland. I think I miss you and the shop more though. Galway will never really feel like home again. How is everything back there? I hope you're doing well and your boss isn't being too much of a bigot. Really, I think you should just threaten to eat him the next time he makes a remark. Speaking of which, are you eating well? Ugh, I've been picking up habits from my mother. But really, I worry about you. How was your last transformation? And don't you dare hold anything back! I want to know if you get hurt. Genevieve is back to being a pain, but Oriana and Benny (it seems that he hates the name Benedict as much as I do) are just angels. It seems that Mum spread word that I was a "fantastic potions maker." I've had about a thousand requests since I got here. So as you can see, life is awful. Honestly, I may seem happier, but I can't begin to tell you how much I miss being at home with you. Write back soon, I want to hear how you're doing.
With love,
Christine
*****
Dear Christine,
Well, since things are so terrible, you should come home. Right now. Really, apparate home this instant. I can't even begin to describe how much I miss you. This house is too empty without everyone coming in and out at all hours of the day. I've been spending most of my time at work, just trying to bury myself in it I guess. And as tempting as eating Mr. Nelson sounds, it wouldn't be very practical. What would I do for a job then? But oh, how very tempting… I think all that time around your mother is rotting your brain. If you tell me to put on a coat in your next letter, I'm coming and getting you. As for that wench you call a sister, ignore her, steal her darling children away from her and run off to Mexico or some other place very far away. Is she still bugging you about a potion to make her husband sick? She does know that poisoning is illegal, right? And have you thanked your mother for being an insufferable gossip? You know very well that you would be bored out of your skull if you didn't have something to do, even if it is curing someone's rash in an unmentionable place. Well, I have to go. Mr. Nelson is being as demanding as ever and he wants me to research "that one goblin rebellion in the sixteenth century." As if that narrowed it down at all. Write back soon.
Love,
Remus
*****
Remus,
Don't think I didn't realize that you didn't answer my question. What happened last week? Don't think that just because I left, you can keep those things from me. I want to know how you're doing. As for my sister, yes, she is a raving lunatic who wants to poison her husband. I threw my seventh year potions book at her and told her to do it herself. That shut her up for a little while at least. I would be a little bit more grateful towards my mother if she wasn't constantly standing over my shoulder and criticizing my technique. I swear, one more comment and I'm going to dunk her head in the cauldron. And as for dear Mr. Nelson, you should tell him to go screw himself. Just tell him to research his own damned work and walk out. You can find a better job than that. You're much too smart to work for a prejudiced, former Death Eater. You'll have to pardon the anger radiating from this letter, but I'm just a little frustrated right now.
Christine
*****
Christine,
Yes, I did notice that waves of anger seemed to be coming off of the parchment. Please forgive me if you find the same coming off of this letter. What right do have to know what happens during my transformations? It seems that when you left, you forfeited any right to ask questions about that. I tried just avoiding the question, but obviously you didn't get the point. I still care about you a great deal, but you left me. That's really all there is to it. If you ever decide to come back, then we'll talk about my transformations. Until then, it's a closed subject. Also, it might not be such a good idea to write so often. I'm not so sure I want to hear from you right now. Please, understand that I still love you and care for you, but I am royally pissed off at you.
Remus
*****
I stare at that last letter from him and I'm absolutely dumbstruck. I won't write him back. If he wants to know about how I 'm doing, then he can just go ahead and write me, but I won't be the first one to write. Jackass. God, how can I love someone so much and hate him at the same time?
I left him. I left him and I should feel terrible about that. I do, sort of. Right now, all I feel is tired. Like I want to go to sleep and wake up in about twenty years.
I left him, but I'm not really gone. It's like we're looking at each other across a lake. We can see each other clearly and all we have to do is swim across to get to the other person. I could go back right now. But if I did, it wouldn't be for very long. No, he's right, we just can't have any contact with each other for a very long while. At least not until we decide to grow up and move past this. I have a feeling that's going to take a while.