Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002
As petrified as he was, Rimmer could not help but bray laughter at someone else describing Lister as a monkey. Lister himself was unperturbed.

"This is Earth, yeah?" he asked Tripitaka, who seemed to be the knowledgeable, Kryten-like figure of the group.

"Yes," smiled Tripitaka. "We are in China, and on our way to India to retrieve the holy scriptures"

"India?" Visions of vindaloos and pappadums danced in front of Lister. The chance to maybe try a genuine shami kebab from the home of the hot stuff . . . how often did that arise when you're 3 million years into deep space?

"Oh, here we go," Rimmer sighed deeply. "Seduction by shami."

"Well, why not?" Lister asked. "We could give them a lift in Starbug"

"Mmmmarvellous idea, Listy! Smegtacular! Two words . . . Poly Morph. Has it escaped your rather inadequate excuse for a brain that introduced species onto Starbug usually means trouble??"

Monkey, Sandy, Pigsy and Tripitaka were all looking confused to say the least. Finally Pigsy spoke.

"Starbug?"

"It's our vehicle, sir" said Kryen. "It's a transport unit from the mining ship Red Dwarf."

Rimmer rolled his eyes violently, clearly indicating what he thought of Kryten's explanation.

"These people are on foot, lavvydroid – with a horse as transport. I don't think they'll be that savvy with the Jupiter Mining Corps method of transportation." He turned to the four and said in his idiots-and-foreigners voice, "We fly from sky, you understand?" He waved his hand around above his head. "Fly high in sky. We come from the sky!!"

"You come from Heaven??" Sandy asked, shocked out of his usual mopeyness. Monkey narrowed his eyes.

"Could this be a test from Buddha?" he asked. "Have you come to take our place on this quest?"

"No Monkey. Buddha would have told me if our quest was to finish," said Tripitaka.

"What goalpost-head means, is that we come from waaaaaay up in the sky, buds. You know, where it's all black and stuff? Past Heaven man, we left those dudes for dust!" Cat chuckled. "Man, these guys are not going to grasp the concept of flying any more than Neil Diamond could grasp the fact that flared slacks were never making a comeback!"

Monkey snorted.

"Flying? Any fool can fly!" With that, he pursed his lips, blew a stream of air out, waved forefinger and index finger in front of them and kind of saluted the sky. With a zap, a small pink cloud appeared, hovering at around the height of a three-storey building. Without effort, Monkey leapt nimbly onto it and began zooming around, showing off.