Normal.dot – Norman Disney & Young – Version 1.2 - December 2002
Tripitaka had revealed a little more about their holy quest.

"Buddha has sent us to India to reveal the holy Buddhist scriptures. We are to bring them back and have them translated. It is a very important quest, and one I am honoured to have been chosen for, although the journey will be many miles and take many years."

"Easy!" said Lister. "We'll fire up Starbug, shoot off to India, grab the scriptures, run them through Holly for a translation, step out for some curry and then deliver them on over to Buddha. No problem, man!"

Monkey, Pigsy and Sandy looked very eager at the prospect of not finishing the journey on foot, battling roadside ninjas, demons and other irritating pedestrians and turned to Tripitaka hopefully. Tripitaka's face remained impassive.

"Lister, you gitty little gimboid, you're forgetting one thing," said Rimmer.

"I agree with Mr Rimmer, sir," said Kryten. "Buddha has assigned this quest not only to retrieve the scriptures but to achieve enlightenment. This has as much to do with the journey itself as it does with the scriptures, and cannot be obtained by catching a lift in a space vessel. Isn't that what you were going to say, Mr Rimmer?"

"Yes, of course I was, Kryen," snapped Rimmer. In reality, he had been thinking more along the lines that Starbug was crowded and odorous enough with merely Lister on board, as well as Cat and Kryten, never mind a menagerie of other creatures and a fellow in an unnecessarily large and pointy hat.

"That is correct, Mr Kryten. We cannot accept your offer. Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy, you understand?" Pigsy and Sandy nodded glumly whereas Monkey stared off blankly into space.

"Monkey?" asked Tripitaka. Monkey gave no indication he was aware of the conversation.

"Monkey," said Tripitaka, a little more firmly. Monkey picked up his chopsticks and began tapping out a beat on his rice bowl.

"Monkey!" Tripitaka's voice had become unusually sharp. Monkey's only reaction was to tap his glass occasionally for a cymbal effect. Pigsy and Sandy knew what was coming and sure enough, Tripitaka began the headache sutra.

"AAAHHHHH!!! Da da da da !!" Monkey squealed and clutched the headband. "Yes, alright!! Okay!! We won't go with them, stop stop!!" Tripitaka stopped immediately and Monkey was relieved of the pain. Rimmer wondered if Tripitaka might teach him the headache sutra and if he had any spare headbands lying around. He could bribe the Cat to fit one to Lister's stupid fat head and anytime he even looked like picking up his guitar or cranking up some Rasta Billy Skank – bam!! Headache el grande. Rimmer chuckled as his mind wandered through fantasy land, suggesting more and more devious things he could force Lister to do under his control.

"I could even make him eat his own boxer shorts!"

Was that out loud? Rimmer wondered. Judging by the rest of the table falling silent and looking at him quereously, he decided it must have been and coughed loudly to cover his mistake. "Err, so that was a no, right?"

"That is right," said Tripitaka. "Thank you for your kind offer but we must decline."

"That's okay," said Lister, sadly. "It's just that – "

"It's just that Lister is obsessed with Indian food and would happily risk our lives to get his grubby little paws on a shami kebab," interjected Rimmer. "He'd sacrifice our collective necks for the pleasure of dribbling authentic curry sauce down his front, he'd give us all up to be able to consume his own weight in pappadums . . ."

"Hey man, that's a lot of pappadums!" giggled the Cat, and Pigsy snorted with laughter. He was enjoying not being the target of all the fat jokes.

"Almost as many as it would take for Pigsy to do the same," said Monkey, earning a dark look from Pigsy, who resigned himself to the fact he would still cop some of the pig gags.

"Guys, guys, take it easy, alright?" Lister seemed mildly offended. "It's not just about the food. I just get this feeling in my gut, I need to go to India. I need to make that quest!"

Kryten listened to this and felt it was time he revealed what he knew about the planet they were on.


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A/N: Is anyone reading this? If they are, please review or get a kiss from Pigsy . . .