February 27th, 2002
10:30 PM
I can't sleep. I am so worn out, but I just can't sleep. I've been sobbing since I got home from the hospital. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I don't know what to make of anything anymore. These are the moments I want to run to my mom and have her make everything okay, but I can't do that anymore. I no longer have a mother.
I'm still in shock. Everything that happened today, it feels like a dream. A very bad dream! I want to wake up from it, but I can't. I came home after that encounter with Warren and the crazy-robot chick and found a beautiful bouquet sitting on the table by the door. I read the card and it was from Brian. He told mom he had a great time last night and that he would love to go out again. It warmed my heart, seeing two people who can actually start a relationship without having to worry about souls getting lost or evil scientists creating monsters of destruction. It gave me hope.
I assumed mom was in her room watching her favorite soap, All My Children – I used to love that soap too, when I was on summer break back in grade school she and I would curl up on the couch with a glass of her homemade lemonade – I'm never going to taste that lemonade again - and watch it. I don't think I can ever watch the show again. I called up the steps and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Dawn from school. She didn't answer. I didn't think much of it. I just assumed she was really engrossed in the show. She always got so caught up in the storylines it was almost funny. I turned and saw her laying on the couch just sort of looking at me. I asked her what she was doing and she didn't answer, she just kept on staring at me. I guess I knew when I saw her that she was - gone; I just didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it!! This is my mother!!! I have lived with her my entire life. She raised me and taught me right from wrong, and what love is and, God, how to tie my shoes!!! She couldn't be gone!!! She just couldn't!!!
I tried to talk to her, tried to pull her back, but I couldn't. I ran to her, and shook her, I SHOOK my mother!!! I thought if I shook hard enough I would shake the life back into her. But it didn't work. But I didn't know what else to do!!! After a few minutes I called 911. MINUTES! I had to wait MINUTES before I even thought about calling them!!! What the hell is wrong with me!!! Did I think that because I'm some stupid slayer I could bring back the dead with my strength? If I had just called them from the start mom might still be - she might still be here! The operator told me to perform CPR. That should have been the first thing I did!!! I did it, I did what I was told and it didn't work. I cracked her rib. Great daughter, huh? I tried to save her and I managed to break her even more. I told the operator she wasn't breathing and she said an ambulance was on its way. She sounded so calm. My mother was lying there, not breathing, and she was talking like we were friends! Why was she so calm??? I hung up and called Giles. He answered and I said something about "her" being at the house, I really can't remember what.
When I hung up I heard the sirens. The paramedics rushed in and put mom on the floor. They did a little examination; I was too far-gone to pay much attention. I was in another world where they paramedics did their magic, mom came back to life, and I was the hero for finding her in time. It's SO STUPID!!!! She was gone and nothing those paramedics could do would change that. When I came back to reality I saw the monitor they had attached to her. It was flat lined. One of the paramedics walked over to me. All I can remember about him is he was tall, so much taller than me. He told me mom was dead. I knew it. I knew from the moment she didn't answer me when I got home. But my heart still went cold. My entire body went numb. I almost wanted to ask him to repeat himself, but I don't think I could bear to hear those words again. The entire world stopped in that moment.
The paramedics left when they got another call. I guess it was more important than some poor, unlucky girl's dead mother. Before they went they asked me to try not to disturb the body. That's what my mommy is now. She isn't Joyce Summers anymore. She's just a body.
I realized I was getting woozy. I need to get some fresh air, but before I made it to the kitchen door all the strength was sucked out of me and I fell to the floor and vomited. After a moment I stood and stumbled to the door. It was so beautiful outside. How could my mother die on such a beautiful day? She loved days like this, when she could go out and walk the neighborhood or tend to her garden. It's like Mother Nature was betraying her. I stood there for a few minutes, and then I started to clean up my mess. I sort of expected mom to clean it up. When I was little she would tuck me into bed and put a cold washrag on my forehead. Then she would make me chicken and star soup and everything would be okay again. Nothing is ever going to be okay again.
Giles came. He thought the "she" I mentioned was Glory. He saw mom lying on the floor and immediately ran to her. I tried to stop him, but he starting shaking her. I told him he wasn't supposed to disturb the body, and that's when reality slapped me in the face. I stood in complete shock over what I said as Giles ran and threw him arms around me.
The rest of the day was a blur. I went to pick up Dawn from school. She was so upset when I told her. She wouldn't even let me touch her. I guess I can't blame her. She's just a kid. She deserves to have a mother! I DESERVE TO HAVE A MOTHER!!!
We went to the hospital. Giles went with the coroner and I took Dawn. The gang showed up after a while. It was nice that they were there. I needed them. Anya was especially sweet. She said, "I'm sorry Joyce died because she was nice and now we all hurt." Dawn still wouldn't talk to me. I think she is angry with me because I'm the one who broke the news to her. As much as I love her, and as much as I feel sorry for her, I wish she would just grow up! I don't need her giving me the cold shoulder right now!! I need that shoulder to cry into!
After the gang had gone to get snacks and Dawn had gone to the restroom I was left alone with Tara. She told me her mom died when she was 17. It was sort of comforting knowing that I had a friend (and this is the first time I've really thought of Tara as a friend, not just Willow's girlfriend) who I can turn to for support. She knows what I've been through because she has experienced the pain. It's a comfort that I really need right now, because otherwise I might fall over the edge into insanity.
After a while I realized Dawn was taking an awfully long time to pee. I was about to go to the bathroom to see if she was okay when I remembered her asking if she could see mom's body. I told her no. I just didn't think she needed to torture herself any more. She's already been through so much the last few months. Seeing mom would just tear her up emotionally, and she's already in such a fragile state. But I also know how stubborn she is. If she wanted to see mom, she would. So I made a detour to the morgue. I picked up the pace when I heard what sounded like a struggle. One of the people brought to the morgue was actually vampire and he was attacking my sister. I made quick work of the bastard. There was no way I was going to lose another family member. Unfortunately, during the struggle, the sheet that was covering mom was thrown off. Dawn saw her. I think she was in shock. I told her that the body wasn't mom anymore; she was gone. Dawn asked where she went. I wish I could have answered that but I don't know. Heaven? I don't know if I believe in Heaven. If there really is a God, how come there is so much pain in this world? It doesn't seem fair.
I've been reflecting a lot since coming home. How am I supposed to live without mom? How am I supposed to save the world when I couldn't even save her? The doctor told me she died peacefully, with very little pain. How do I know that? I wasn't there! I should have been! I could have done something to save her!! DAMNIT!! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN? Is this the universes way of screwing me again? Haven't I been through enough? First Angel leaves, then Riley!! Who's next!! Who am I going to lose next? I don't know if I can afford to lose anyone else!!! I need my mommy! I'm only 20 years old! I'm not ready to face the world alone!!! I'm not ready to lose my childhood!!! Where am I supposed to go from here?
~Buffy
10:30 PM
I can't sleep. I am so worn out, but I just can't sleep. I've been sobbing since I got home from the hospital. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I don't know what to make of anything anymore. These are the moments I want to run to my mom and have her make everything okay, but I can't do that anymore. I no longer have a mother.
I'm still in shock. Everything that happened today, it feels like a dream. A very bad dream! I want to wake up from it, but I can't. I came home after that encounter with Warren and the crazy-robot chick and found a beautiful bouquet sitting on the table by the door. I read the card and it was from Brian. He told mom he had a great time last night and that he would love to go out again. It warmed my heart, seeing two people who can actually start a relationship without having to worry about souls getting lost or evil scientists creating monsters of destruction. It gave me hope.
I assumed mom was in her room watching her favorite soap, All My Children – I used to love that soap too, when I was on summer break back in grade school she and I would curl up on the couch with a glass of her homemade lemonade – I'm never going to taste that lemonade again - and watch it. I don't think I can ever watch the show again. I called up the steps and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Dawn from school. She didn't answer. I didn't think much of it. I just assumed she was really engrossed in the show. She always got so caught up in the storylines it was almost funny. I turned and saw her laying on the couch just sort of looking at me. I asked her what she was doing and she didn't answer, she just kept on staring at me. I guess I knew when I saw her that she was - gone; I just didn't want to believe it. I couldn't believe it!! This is my mother!!! I have lived with her my entire life. She raised me and taught me right from wrong, and what love is and, God, how to tie my shoes!!! She couldn't be gone!!! She just couldn't!!!
I tried to talk to her, tried to pull her back, but I couldn't. I ran to her, and shook her, I SHOOK my mother!!! I thought if I shook hard enough I would shake the life back into her. But it didn't work. But I didn't know what else to do!!! After a few minutes I called 911. MINUTES! I had to wait MINUTES before I even thought about calling them!!! What the hell is wrong with me!!! Did I think that because I'm some stupid slayer I could bring back the dead with my strength? If I had just called them from the start mom might still be - she might still be here! The operator told me to perform CPR. That should have been the first thing I did!!! I did it, I did what I was told and it didn't work. I cracked her rib. Great daughter, huh? I tried to save her and I managed to break her even more. I told the operator she wasn't breathing and she said an ambulance was on its way. She sounded so calm. My mother was lying there, not breathing, and she was talking like we were friends! Why was she so calm??? I hung up and called Giles. He answered and I said something about "her" being at the house, I really can't remember what.
When I hung up I heard the sirens. The paramedics rushed in and put mom on the floor. They did a little examination; I was too far-gone to pay much attention. I was in another world where they paramedics did their magic, mom came back to life, and I was the hero for finding her in time. It's SO STUPID!!!! She was gone and nothing those paramedics could do would change that. When I came back to reality I saw the monitor they had attached to her. It was flat lined. One of the paramedics walked over to me. All I can remember about him is he was tall, so much taller than me. He told me mom was dead. I knew it. I knew from the moment she didn't answer me when I got home. But my heart still went cold. My entire body went numb. I almost wanted to ask him to repeat himself, but I don't think I could bear to hear those words again. The entire world stopped in that moment.
The paramedics left when they got another call. I guess it was more important than some poor, unlucky girl's dead mother. Before they went they asked me to try not to disturb the body. That's what my mommy is now. She isn't Joyce Summers anymore. She's just a body.
I realized I was getting woozy. I need to get some fresh air, but before I made it to the kitchen door all the strength was sucked out of me and I fell to the floor and vomited. After a moment I stood and stumbled to the door. It was so beautiful outside. How could my mother die on such a beautiful day? She loved days like this, when she could go out and walk the neighborhood or tend to her garden. It's like Mother Nature was betraying her. I stood there for a few minutes, and then I started to clean up my mess. I sort of expected mom to clean it up. When I was little she would tuck me into bed and put a cold washrag on my forehead. Then she would make me chicken and star soup and everything would be okay again. Nothing is ever going to be okay again.
Giles came. He thought the "she" I mentioned was Glory. He saw mom lying on the floor and immediately ran to her. I tried to stop him, but he starting shaking her. I told him he wasn't supposed to disturb the body, and that's when reality slapped me in the face. I stood in complete shock over what I said as Giles ran and threw him arms around me.
The rest of the day was a blur. I went to pick up Dawn from school. She was so upset when I told her. She wouldn't even let me touch her. I guess I can't blame her. She's just a kid. She deserves to have a mother! I DESERVE TO HAVE A MOTHER!!!
We went to the hospital. Giles went with the coroner and I took Dawn. The gang showed up after a while. It was nice that they were there. I needed them. Anya was especially sweet. She said, "I'm sorry Joyce died because she was nice and now we all hurt." Dawn still wouldn't talk to me. I think she is angry with me because I'm the one who broke the news to her. As much as I love her, and as much as I feel sorry for her, I wish she would just grow up! I don't need her giving me the cold shoulder right now!! I need that shoulder to cry into!
After the gang had gone to get snacks and Dawn had gone to the restroom I was left alone with Tara. She told me her mom died when she was 17. It was sort of comforting knowing that I had a friend (and this is the first time I've really thought of Tara as a friend, not just Willow's girlfriend) who I can turn to for support. She knows what I've been through because she has experienced the pain. It's a comfort that I really need right now, because otherwise I might fall over the edge into insanity.
After a while I realized Dawn was taking an awfully long time to pee. I was about to go to the bathroom to see if she was okay when I remembered her asking if she could see mom's body. I told her no. I just didn't think she needed to torture herself any more. She's already been through so much the last few months. Seeing mom would just tear her up emotionally, and she's already in such a fragile state. But I also know how stubborn she is. If she wanted to see mom, she would. So I made a detour to the morgue. I picked up the pace when I heard what sounded like a struggle. One of the people brought to the morgue was actually vampire and he was attacking my sister. I made quick work of the bastard. There was no way I was going to lose another family member. Unfortunately, during the struggle, the sheet that was covering mom was thrown off. Dawn saw her. I think she was in shock. I told her that the body wasn't mom anymore; she was gone. Dawn asked where she went. I wish I could have answered that but I don't know. Heaven? I don't know if I believe in Heaven. If there really is a God, how come there is so much pain in this world? It doesn't seem fair.
I've been reflecting a lot since coming home. How am I supposed to live without mom? How am I supposed to save the world when I couldn't even save her? The doctor told me she died peacefully, with very little pain. How do I know that? I wasn't there! I should have been! I could have done something to save her!! DAMNIT!! WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN? Is this the universes way of screwing me again? Haven't I been through enough? First Angel leaves, then Riley!! Who's next!! Who am I going to lose next? I don't know if I can afford to lose anyone else!!! I need my mommy! I'm only 20 years old! I'm not ready to face the world alone!!! I'm not ready to lose my childhood!!! Where am I supposed to go from here?
~Buffy