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Blame
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They blamed me.
Maybe I was to blame.
They said it was my fault.
Maybe it was.
They said I drove him away.
Maybe I did.
But I wasn't the only one. I wasn't the only one to make his life crazy. I wasn't the only one to cause problems. If anything, I caused the least problems. Sure, I hit him, but I never once poisoned him or drugged him. I never once tried to seduce him.
He and Ryoga fought constantly. I never understood why, and then, a month after he left, I learned the hard way. I ran from Ryoga for the first time in my life. I stood there looking at the pig that I had once told everything to and relived every time he called Ryoga names, every time he snuck into my room, every time he came so close to telling me. I wished then that I had trusted him. I wished then that he was there to hold me and keep my heart from shattering. I wished he were here to beat the shit out of Ryoga. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even look at Ryoga after that. I felt violated and naked in front of Ryoga.
The other fiancées made it their mission to destroy me with guilt. In a perverse way, I enjoyed their attention and their accusations. If my opinion of him was so highly valued by him, then it meant that I had been more than an annoyance to him. I never once cried in front of them. I didn't cry in front of anyone. Only my walls know how many tears fell, and maybe Nabiki if she still had my room bugged. I still cry now, so long after he left.
The boys at my school began attacking me again after he was gone. I nearly lost one morning. I had never been more terrified. My attacks became vicious after that. Very quickly, it dawned on them that maybe I wasn't safe to dominate. I think they knew that if one succeeded in winning, I would fight with every part of me to destroy that person. I never said or gave a hint of it, but if someone had won after that one day, I would have been capable of killing that person. Their murder would not have fazed me. It would have been just one more moment in my life.
I don't think anyone realized just how much he meant to me, and just what it was he had done for me. I wasn't capable of having male friends before he came into my life. Dr. Tofu was the only man, besides my father, that I felt comfortable with. Now, since I have stopped being an object to be lusted for, I have several male friends. They are the quiet ones, and they are mostly gay, but I still have them.
The one thing that got better after he left was my self-esteem. No one knew just how much damage he had caused. I didn't even know. Kasumi pointed out the difference in me a few months later. She also said that it hadn't just been him, but every male in my life. I feel better now, but I can't begin to say how much I miss him, how much I want him to walk through the front door, how much I want to hear him say my name.
It's been almost six months since he walked out my bedroom door and into his room to never come out. He left a note on his futon and climbed out the window. I still think about that night. He had come in to study with me. Nothing had been different. No matter how hard I search for some sign, I can't find one.
It's been almost six months. Six months since he left, six months since we almost got married. He left the night after our failed wedding. That day at school had been one giant mass of rumors and mockery. He said in his letter that he needed to work things out. Shampoo and Ukyo took it to mean he was tired of my shit and didn't want to risk being married, or almost married, to me again. I don't even pretend to know what he needed to work out. I hope it is his feelings for me. I hope he's searching for a cure, and I hope that the search isn't futile. He deserves to have one successful journey. I hope that if he returns, it isn't with another curse.
Did I mention that I got a letter from him the other night? Kasumi came in and handed me an envelope with only my name and address on it. I didn't recognize the writing. I opened it and a note with another envelope was in it. The note said I couldn't let anyone see what was in this other envelope. That no one was to know what was in it, or that I had even been sent anything.
It was from Ranma.
He told me that he'd been traveling, and he told me of his adventures. He didn't say why he had written, or what he was figuring out. He didn't say anything about his curse or if he was going to return. I enjoyed reading about his adventures and the people he had met. I enjoyed seeing my name in his handwriting.
I'm holding another one of those blank envelopes now. I wonder what this letter will say? I open it, and all that's in the envelope is a ticket. A train ticket. It's to a small town up on the northern most tip of Japan. I stand in my room, and I stare at it for a solid ten minutes. The time of departure is tomorrow morning at one in the morning.
I'm supposed to be asleep now. Instead, I'm packing and putting together the last minute things I remember I need. My sisters and father don't know I'm up, and they don't know I'm leaving. I have written a note. It says nothing about Ranma. Just that I need to get away and that I'll write when I'm settled. I climb from my window, dropping to the ground, and sneak away into the night. The train ride is quiet, and I finally sleep there. My head lolls to the side and more than once I snap awake for reasons I can't figure. The entire train ride is like this, a mix of exhaustion and half dreams. When I arrive at my destination, I stand uneasily on the platform and look around. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? I don't feel him come up behind me, but I feel his arms slide around my waist. I feel his chest press against my back. I look over my shoulder, and he's there. He's really there. I can't breath. He laughs at me, and then I cry.
He leads me to a house. It's small but comfortable. There is, of course, a dojo. He already had many students. He hasn't let me go, and I don't want him to. He leads me into the house. It's beautiful and so like him. He leads me to his bedroom. He points to the king size futon and whispers in my ear.
"That is your spot, Akane, if you want it."
I cry again. How can I not? For six months I lived without him. For a year and a half I denied that he had become my heart. I cry and tell him that it is the only spot I have ever wanted. He laughs and says it has always been mine.
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http://www.geocities.com/frankie_anne
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Blame
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- - - - -
They blamed me.
Maybe I was to blame.
They said it was my fault.
Maybe it was.
They said I drove him away.
Maybe I did.
But I wasn't the only one. I wasn't the only one to make his life crazy. I wasn't the only one to cause problems. If anything, I caused the least problems. Sure, I hit him, but I never once poisoned him or drugged him. I never once tried to seduce him.
He and Ryoga fought constantly. I never understood why, and then, a month after he left, I learned the hard way. I ran from Ryoga for the first time in my life. I stood there looking at the pig that I had once told everything to and relived every time he called Ryoga names, every time he snuck into my room, every time he came so close to telling me. I wished then that I had trusted him. I wished then that he was there to hold me and keep my heart from shattering. I wished he were here to beat the shit out of Ryoga. I couldn't do it. I couldn't even look at Ryoga after that. I felt violated and naked in front of Ryoga.
The other fiancées made it their mission to destroy me with guilt. In a perverse way, I enjoyed their attention and their accusations. If my opinion of him was so highly valued by him, then it meant that I had been more than an annoyance to him. I never once cried in front of them. I didn't cry in front of anyone. Only my walls know how many tears fell, and maybe Nabiki if she still had my room bugged. I still cry now, so long after he left.
The boys at my school began attacking me again after he was gone. I nearly lost one morning. I had never been more terrified. My attacks became vicious after that. Very quickly, it dawned on them that maybe I wasn't safe to dominate. I think they knew that if one succeeded in winning, I would fight with every part of me to destroy that person. I never said or gave a hint of it, but if someone had won after that one day, I would have been capable of killing that person. Their murder would not have fazed me. It would have been just one more moment in my life.
I don't think anyone realized just how much he meant to me, and just what it was he had done for me. I wasn't capable of having male friends before he came into my life. Dr. Tofu was the only man, besides my father, that I felt comfortable with. Now, since I have stopped being an object to be lusted for, I have several male friends. They are the quiet ones, and they are mostly gay, but I still have them.
The one thing that got better after he left was my self-esteem. No one knew just how much damage he had caused. I didn't even know. Kasumi pointed out the difference in me a few months later. She also said that it hadn't just been him, but every male in my life. I feel better now, but I can't begin to say how much I miss him, how much I want him to walk through the front door, how much I want to hear him say my name.
It's been almost six months since he walked out my bedroom door and into his room to never come out. He left a note on his futon and climbed out the window. I still think about that night. He had come in to study with me. Nothing had been different. No matter how hard I search for some sign, I can't find one.
It's been almost six months. Six months since he left, six months since we almost got married. He left the night after our failed wedding. That day at school had been one giant mass of rumors and mockery. He said in his letter that he needed to work things out. Shampoo and Ukyo took it to mean he was tired of my shit and didn't want to risk being married, or almost married, to me again. I don't even pretend to know what he needed to work out. I hope it is his feelings for me. I hope he's searching for a cure, and I hope that the search isn't futile. He deserves to have one successful journey. I hope that if he returns, it isn't with another curse.
Did I mention that I got a letter from him the other night? Kasumi came in and handed me an envelope with only my name and address on it. I didn't recognize the writing. I opened it and a note with another envelope was in it. The note said I couldn't let anyone see what was in this other envelope. That no one was to know what was in it, or that I had even been sent anything.
It was from Ranma.
He told me that he'd been traveling, and he told me of his adventures. He didn't say why he had written, or what he was figuring out. He didn't say anything about his curse or if he was going to return. I enjoyed reading about his adventures and the people he had met. I enjoyed seeing my name in his handwriting.
I'm holding another one of those blank envelopes now. I wonder what this letter will say? I open it, and all that's in the envelope is a ticket. A train ticket. It's to a small town up on the northern most tip of Japan. I stand in my room, and I stare at it for a solid ten minutes. The time of departure is tomorrow morning at one in the morning.
I'm supposed to be asleep now. Instead, I'm packing and putting together the last minute things I remember I need. My sisters and father don't know I'm up, and they don't know I'm leaving. I have written a note. It says nothing about Ranma. Just that I need to get away and that I'll write when I'm settled. I climb from my window, dropping to the ground, and sneak away into the night. The train ride is quiet, and I finally sleep there. My head lolls to the side and more than once I snap awake for reasons I can't figure. The entire train ride is like this, a mix of exhaustion and half dreams. When I arrive at my destination, I stand uneasily on the platform and look around. Where am I supposed to go? What am I supposed to do? I don't feel him come up behind me, but I feel his arms slide around my waist. I feel his chest press against my back. I look over my shoulder, and he's there. He's really there. I can't breath. He laughs at me, and then I cry.
He leads me to a house. It's small but comfortable. There is, of course, a dojo. He already had many students. He hasn't let me go, and I don't want him to. He leads me into the house. It's beautiful and so like him. He leads me to his bedroom. He points to the king size futon and whispers in my ear.
"That is your spot, Akane, if you want it."
I cry again. How can I not? For six months I lived without him. For a year and a half I denied that he had become my heart. I cry and tell him that it is the only spot I have ever wanted. He laughs and says it has always been mine.
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http://www.geocities.com/frankie_anne