Who's the hero?
Disclaimer: not mine blah blah blah……..
The fellowship had set up camp for the night and were now arguing over the camp fire (A/N: And for once it wasn't just Legolas and Gimli).
"Of course it's plain to see that I'm the hero of this story, I am the heir of Isildur" stated Aragorn proudly
"What are you talking about? I'm the one with the ring, I'm the hero" complained Frodo
"Oh for the love of Elbereth, that ring is soooooooooooooooo last age, I'm the pretty one and the one with the most fan girls that must mean I'm the hero" guess who
"I'll be dead before I see an elf the hero of this story" declared a miffed dwarf
"Guess again dwarf" growled Legolas before jumping Gimli (A/N: Not that kind of jumped, get your minds out of the gutter, there isn't enough room for you lot as well) soon they were rolling around on the ground (A/N: Hey that rhymes and again no) kicking and scratching at each other.
"None of you have what it takes to be the hero, I've got all the best qualities people are looking for" argued the ranger
"Ohhhh, so the unwashed, unshaved look is in this age then?" asked the ring- bearer sarcastically
"What are you starting, little man?" hissed Aragorn while poking Frodo in the nose.
A small, timid voice from behind them stopped them from killing each other.
"Mister Frodo sir, if you're the hero can I be your sidekick?" asked Sam shyly
"Sure" answered a very happy and smug hobbit, before turning back to Aragorn.
"Ha, you don't have a sidekick therefore I'm the hero, put that in your pipe and smoke it" bragged the ring-bearer while blowing a raspberry
"I do so have a sidekick" countered the ranger, frantically searching the camp, seeing Pippin sitting by the fire happily eating an apple the ranger grabs him causing him to choke on his apple.
"See, I got Pippin" he said holding up a very red in the face hobbit
"He's not a proper sidekick" protested Frodo
"Yeah he is"
"Is not"
"Is too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too x 10"
"Not x infinity"
"Too x infinity x infinity"
"Hey that's cheating!"
"Is not"
"Is too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Too"
"Not"
"Ha, I won" declared Aragorn
"Hey!!!!"
Meanwhile Legolas and Gimli were still fighting, Legolas was yanking Gimli's beard while Gimli was biting the elf's delicate pointed ear (A/N: Out of the gutter please) both were yelling at the other to let go.
"Ok, how about we both let go at the count of three (A/N: Can Gimli count that high? *Gimli advances towards Michi-Chan axe raised* I'm sorry Gimmie *axe still raised* ok ok Gimli there happy now *Gimli buggers off back to the fic*), reasoned Legolas.
"Ok" agreed Gimli although slightly muffled
"1…..2……3"
Neither let go and they were still locked together.
"Hey, you're cheating!!!!" came a muffled shout from Gimli.
"So are you" accused Legolas
"Crazy elf!"
"Stupid dwarf!"
"Come on guys don't fight" pleaded Merry (A/N: Where'd he come from?)
Seeing Merry, Legolas lets go (A/N: Lego, let go, get it?…………….What?! I thought it was funny) of Gimli's beard.
"Hey, you wanna be my sidekick?" asked a hopeful elf
"Wellllllllll…….." pondered Merry
"No be mine" insisted Gimli, letting go of Legolas' ear.
Merry looked torn "why can't you just share?"
The duo think for a moment, then suddenly jump up and both grab one of the terrified hobbit's arms and start a tug-o-war.
"He's my sidekick!!!"
"No, he's mine damn you cursed elf!!!!!"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'll never be any use to either of you if I'm torn in half!!" cried Merry in desperation.
"How about this? I'll have Merry," said Legolas with a sly grin "and you can have Boromir (A/N: Isn't he the reasonable one today)
"Ok" agreed Gimli, without a second thought and started to walk away suddenly he stopped and turned to face Legolas "Hey, Boromir's dead!"
"Yoink," the elf said grabbing Merry and running off, singing a rude song about dwarves and their mothers in elfish.
Back to Frodo and Aragorn…….
"My sidekick's more faithful than yours" boasted Frodo.
"Ha, Pippin has more faithfulness in his little hobbit feet than yours does in his whole body" Aragorn shot back.
In the background said sidekick has recovered and is now porning (A/N: Did I spell that right?) off Aragorn's belongings including Anduril to a group of pixies. (A/N: Where did they come from you ask, well I have no idea, I'm just the writer)
Seeing this Frodo pointed over Aragorn's shoulder "Guess again, oh fearless leader" he said with no little amusement.
Aragorn looked to where he was pointing, "Crap" was all he said before rushing off to 'tactfully' get his property back.
When he was gone Frodo turned to his faithful sidekick "Lets go try find Legolas and Gimli now I got that bozo out of the running" he starts to cackle evilly "1 down 2 to go"
"Right you are mister Frodo sir" replied Sam unfazed by Frodo's sudden change in character. (A/N: Believe me that's going to happen a hell of a lot in this fic)
A/N: Ok let's recap shall we?
You don't want to?
Well we're going to away, so there ¬_¬
Hero wannabes:
Aragorn – sidekick= Pippin
Frodo – sidekick= Sam
Legolas – sidekick= Merry
Gimli – sidekick= Boromir's ghost
Wannabes still in the running:
Frodo
Legolas
Gimli
Ex- sidekicks looking for work = Pippin after being sacked by a very irate ranger (in a very loud voice might I add)
Ok back to the story:
"Look I can't have a ghost for a sidekick, it's just not logical" said Gimli, trying to let Boromir's ghost down gently (A/N: Well as gently as a dwarf can be).
"B….b…..but," stuttered the ghost pathetically "I have lots of talent and it was wasted when I was alive, why not use it when I'm dead?"
"Because…." Gimli stopped at a loss.
"Because what?" pushed the ghost.
"Ummmmmmmmm………." The dwarf cocked his head to the side, "Oh, I think I hear Legolas calling me, better go see what he wants" And saying so ran off in the other direction as fast as his stumpy legs could carry him.
"Be a soldier they said, see the middle earth they said," Boromir grumbled while slowly fading away "no one loves me" he gave a sniff before he faded completely. (A/N: Awwwwwwwww poor boromy and all Boromir fans don't kill me plllllleeeeaaassseeee)
Meanwhile on the other side of the forest……..
Gimli looked around surprised "Wow that just goes to show you that dwarves can run fast when properly motivated."
"Or that it is a very small forest" stated Legolas appearing out of no where (A/N: Wish I could do that)
They looked around and yes it appeared that the forest really wasn't a forest at all but 3 tall trees in a triangle.
"Damn, oh well you win some you lose some, at least I got rid of the cloud of vapour Boromir" this earns him a weird look from Legolas. "Never mind" he mumbled.
"Rrrrrrrrriiiggggggghhhhhhhhhttttttttt" The elf said before clapping his hands and shouting "Merry!!"
"I'm not coming out" came a muffled voice from behind the tree.
"Oh stop being such a baby," replied Legolas putting his hands to his hips (A/N: Drool)
"All right" there was a sigh then Merry stepped out from behind the tree. (A/N: Drum roll please) His hair had been dyed blonde and he was wearing a cape and a mask with the letter M sewed onto the front of his tunic.
"If that's your sidekick you can keep him," snorted the dwarf trying to get his laughter under control
"What do you mean? He looks very dramatic" argued the elf, slightly irritated that his masterpiece was being talked about that way.
"A real pansy more like"
"I told you," said Merry mournfully
"Don't pay any attention to him," the elf said kindly "he wouldn't know a dramatic outfit if it slapped him in the face, just look at his clothes" saying so he pointed a finger down his throat and made choking noises.
"At least I don't look like a pansy," the dwarf growled pointing at Merry "or a flower child" he continued pointing at Legolas.
"Oh go dig a hole"
"Go fuck a tree"
"I do not fuck trees!!!!!!!!"
"Yeah sure you don't, and what do you do up in the trees so much then?"
"None of your business, short stuff"
"Ah, so it's between you and the tree is it?"
"If you don't shut up you'll find yourself in a tree one morning with a branch sticking up your…"
A throat being cleared behind them stopped him from finishing, the trio turned round to find Frodo and Sam standing behind them.
"Look at what this hero business is doing to your friendship," cried Frodo in despair "if you don't stop there'll be nothing left!!"
The dwarf and elf looked dumbfounded for a moment before Legolas started sniffing and suddenly turned to Gimli with his arms held out.
"Oh Gimli can you ever forgive me?!" he cried despair on his fair elven face.
"Oh Legolas my dearest friend in the whole of middle earth (A/N: Makes what to puke doesn't it?), I forgive you, but can you ever forgive me for all the horrible things I said to you?!"
"Yes my dear dwarf, come let us embrace!"
They both hug sobbing into each other's shoulders while the hobbits stare at them dumbly.
Frodo turned to Sam "Hehehe, now there is no one to stop me!!!!" he declared before breaking into evil guffaws.
"Yes mister Frodo sir," said Sam still unfazed.
End of part one
Bloody hell that was a long chapter, I need a well deserved rest *falls asleep on key board*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…mmmmmm….Legolas…..zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…mine all mine, my own, my precioussssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssssss
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Disclaimer: not mine blah blah blah……..
The fellowship had set up camp for the night and were now arguing over the camp fire (A/N: And for once it wasn't just Legolas and Gimli).
"Of course it's plain to see that I'm the hero of this story, I am the heir of Isildur" stated Aragorn proudly
"What are you talking about? I'm the one with the ring, I'm the hero" complained Frodo
"Oh for the love of Elbereth, that ring is soooooooooooooooo last age, I'm the pretty one and the one with the most fan girls that must mean I'm the hero" guess who
"I'll be dead before I see an elf the hero of this story" declared a miffed dwarf
"Guess again dwarf" growled Legolas before jumping Gimli (A/N: Not that kind of jumped, get your minds out of the gutter, there isn't enough room for you lot as well) soon they were rolling around on the ground (A/N: Hey that rhymes and again no) kicking and scratching at each other.
"None of you have what it takes to be the hero, I've got all the best qualities people are looking for" argued the ranger
"Ohhhh, so the unwashed, unshaved look is in this age then?" asked the ring- bearer sarcastically
"What are you starting, little man?" hissed Aragorn while poking Frodo in the nose.
A small, timid voice from behind them stopped them from killing each other.
"Mister Frodo sir, if you're the hero can I be your sidekick?" asked Sam shyly
"Sure" answered a very happy and smug hobbit, before turning back to Aragorn.
"Ha, you don't have a sidekick therefore I'm the hero, put that in your pipe and smoke it" bragged the ring-bearer while blowing a raspberry
"I do so have a sidekick" countered the ranger, frantically searching the camp, seeing Pippin sitting by the fire happily eating an apple the ranger grabs him causing him to choke on his apple.
"See, I got Pippin" he said holding up a very red in the face hobbit
"He's not a proper sidekick" protested Frodo
"Yeah he is"
"Is not"
"Is too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too x 10"
"Not x infinity"
"Too x infinity x infinity"
"Hey that's cheating!"
"Is not"
"Is too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Not"
"Too"
"Too"
"Not"
"Ha, I won" declared Aragorn
"Hey!!!!"
Meanwhile Legolas and Gimli were still fighting, Legolas was yanking Gimli's beard while Gimli was biting the elf's delicate pointed ear (A/N: Out of the gutter please) both were yelling at the other to let go.
"Ok, how about we both let go at the count of three (A/N: Can Gimli count that high? *Gimli advances towards Michi-Chan axe raised* I'm sorry Gimmie *axe still raised* ok ok Gimli there happy now *Gimli buggers off back to the fic*), reasoned Legolas.
"Ok" agreed Gimli although slightly muffled
"1…..2……3"
Neither let go and they were still locked together.
"Hey, you're cheating!!!!" came a muffled shout from Gimli.
"So are you" accused Legolas
"Crazy elf!"
"Stupid dwarf!"
"Come on guys don't fight" pleaded Merry (A/N: Where'd he come from?)
Seeing Merry, Legolas lets go (A/N: Lego, let go, get it?…………….What?! I thought it was funny) of Gimli's beard.
"Hey, you wanna be my sidekick?" asked a hopeful elf
"Wellllllllll…….." pondered Merry
"No be mine" insisted Gimli, letting go of Legolas' ear.
Merry looked torn "why can't you just share?"
The duo think for a moment, then suddenly jump up and both grab one of the terrified hobbit's arms and start a tug-o-war.
"He's my sidekick!!!"
"No, he's mine damn you cursed elf!!!!!"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! I'll never be any use to either of you if I'm torn in half!!" cried Merry in desperation.
"How about this? I'll have Merry," said Legolas with a sly grin "and you can have Boromir (A/N: Isn't he the reasonable one today)
"Ok" agreed Gimli, without a second thought and started to walk away suddenly he stopped and turned to face Legolas "Hey, Boromir's dead!"
"Yoink," the elf said grabbing Merry and running off, singing a rude song about dwarves and their mothers in elfish.
Back to Frodo and Aragorn…….
"My sidekick's more faithful than yours" boasted Frodo.
"Ha, Pippin has more faithfulness in his little hobbit feet than yours does in his whole body" Aragorn shot back.
In the background said sidekick has recovered and is now porning (A/N: Did I spell that right?) off Aragorn's belongings including Anduril to a group of pixies. (A/N: Where did they come from you ask, well I have no idea, I'm just the writer)
Seeing this Frodo pointed over Aragorn's shoulder "Guess again, oh fearless leader" he said with no little amusement.
Aragorn looked to where he was pointing, "Crap" was all he said before rushing off to 'tactfully' get his property back.
When he was gone Frodo turned to his faithful sidekick "Lets go try find Legolas and Gimli now I got that bozo out of the running" he starts to cackle evilly "1 down 2 to go"
"Right you are mister Frodo sir" replied Sam unfazed by Frodo's sudden change in character. (A/N: Believe me that's going to happen a hell of a lot in this fic)
A/N: Ok let's recap shall we?
You don't want to?
Well we're going to away, so there ¬_¬
Hero wannabes:
Aragorn – sidekick= Pippin
Frodo – sidekick= Sam
Legolas – sidekick= Merry
Gimli – sidekick= Boromir's ghost
Wannabes still in the running:
Frodo
Legolas
Gimli
Ex- sidekicks looking for work = Pippin after being sacked by a very irate ranger (in a very loud voice might I add)
Ok back to the story:
"Look I can't have a ghost for a sidekick, it's just not logical" said Gimli, trying to let Boromir's ghost down gently (A/N: Well as gently as a dwarf can be).
"B….b…..but," stuttered the ghost pathetically "I have lots of talent and it was wasted when I was alive, why not use it when I'm dead?"
"Because…." Gimli stopped at a loss.
"Because what?" pushed the ghost.
"Ummmmmmmmm………." The dwarf cocked his head to the side, "Oh, I think I hear Legolas calling me, better go see what he wants" And saying so ran off in the other direction as fast as his stumpy legs could carry him.
"Be a soldier they said, see the middle earth they said," Boromir grumbled while slowly fading away "no one loves me" he gave a sniff before he faded completely. (A/N: Awwwwwwwww poor boromy and all Boromir fans don't kill me plllllleeeeaaassseeee)
Meanwhile on the other side of the forest……..
Gimli looked around surprised "Wow that just goes to show you that dwarves can run fast when properly motivated."
"Or that it is a very small forest" stated Legolas appearing out of no where (A/N: Wish I could do that)
They looked around and yes it appeared that the forest really wasn't a forest at all but 3 tall trees in a triangle.
"Damn, oh well you win some you lose some, at least I got rid of the cloud of vapour Boromir" this earns him a weird look from Legolas. "Never mind" he mumbled.
"Rrrrrrrrriiiggggggghhhhhhhhhttttttttt" The elf said before clapping his hands and shouting "Merry!!"
"I'm not coming out" came a muffled voice from behind the tree.
"Oh stop being such a baby," replied Legolas putting his hands to his hips (A/N: Drool)
"All right" there was a sigh then Merry stepped out from behind the tree. (A/N: Drum roll please) His hair had been dyed blonde and he was wearing a cape and a mask with the letter M sewed onto the front of his tunic.
"If that's your sidekick you can keep him," snorted the dwarf trying to get his laughter under control
"What do you mean? He looks very dramatic" argued the elf, slightly irritated that his masterpiece was being talked about that way.
"A real pansy more like"
"I told you," said Merry mournfully
"Don't pay any attention to him," the elf said kindly "he wouldn't know a dramatic outfit if it slapped him in the face, just look at his clothes" saying so he pointed a finger down his throat and made choking noises.
"At least I don't look like a pansy," the dwarf growled pointing at Merry "or a flower child" he continued pointing at Legolas.
"Oh go dig a hole"
"Go fuck a tree"
"I do not fuck trees!!!!!!!!"
"Yeah sure you don't, and what do you do up in the trees so much then?"
"None of your business, short stuff"
"Ah, so it's between you and the tree is it?"
"If you don't shut up you'll find yourself in a tree one morning with a branch sticking up your…"
A throat being cleared behind them stopped him from finishing, the trio turned round to find Frodo and Sam standing behind them.
"Look at what this hero business is doing to your friendship," cried Frodo in despair "if you don't stop there'll be nothing left!!"
The dwarf and elf looked dumbfounded for a moment before Legolas started sniffing and suddenly turned to Gimli with his arms held out.
"Oh Gimli can you ever forgive me?!" he cried despair on his fair elven face.
"Oh Legolas my dearest friend in the whole of middle earth (A/N: Makes what to puke doesn't it?), I forgive you, but can you ever forgive me for all the horrible things I said to you?!"
"Yes my dear dwarf, come let us embrace!"
They both hug sobbing into each other's shoulders while the hobbits stare at them dumbly.
Frodo turned to Sam "Hehehe, now there is no one to stop me!!!!" he declared before breaking into evil guffaws.
"Yes mister Frodo sir," said Sam still unfazed.
End of part one
Bloody hell that was a long chapter, I need a well deserved rest *falls asleep on key board*zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…mmmmmm….Legolas…..zzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…mine all mine, my own, my precioussssssss
ssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss sssssssssss
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz