Disclaimer: I own nothing of BTVS, Joss is the Boss. I also don't mean to
offend homosexuals in any way, I think of myself as friend to those of all
various sexual orientations. Back when I wrote this (oh-so-long ago, BTW) I
just wanted to write a humorous fic, and I figured that if Xander was
feeling mischievous (and tipsy) enough, this might be something he would
do. I don't want to upset anyone, so I apologize heartily in advance!
Hopefully it will be non-offensive and at least slightly amusing to those
who read it. Although a friend also told me that I wasn't very true to the
characters, so I'm sorry about that too!
Summary: A spew of lies ensue as Xander tells Larry about Angel's 'dating past'. And it ain't Buffy.
Spoilers: Takes place after 'Lover's Walk' and 'The Wish' in Season 3 after Cordy's had time to heal from her shish-kabob experience, so that I guess.
Rating: Hmm. Tricky. G-PG?
Meaningless Dialogue
By Rachel Robles (A.K.A Mirandabc)
Xander Harris was bored. It was more than boredom really; it was slowly creeping into a numbness of the mind and all other senses. Willow and Buffy had yet to make an entrance at the Bronze, so he was sitting there all by his lonesome at their usual table. His latest attempt to block out the newest nails-on-chalkboard band the Bronze had to offer was staring at the door, willing for it to open and Buffy and Willow to appear.
[A watched door never boils,] he idly thought to himself. The bartender had failed to card him yet again, so he took a sip from a third beer and dragged his slightly-more-than-buzzed gaze back to the dance floor. Big mistake.
There she was, Miss Cordelia Chase, dancing, talking, laughing- making the poor sap she was with think he stood a chance. [displaying her wares for possible clientele] Xander thought with fresh venom. He tried to look away, but he found his eyes were super-glued on her. He studied her and his gaze softened with the mood swing of a man slightly past tipsy. [Who am I kidding? She's beautiful, and it's all my fault that I gave our relationship the Xander kiss of death. I screw up anything good that's ever happened to me.]
He rolled his eyes back into his skull and tried to look at the thoughts imprinted permanently on his brain since the break up. "God, I'm so depressed!" he said to the air of voices around him. When no immediate reply came, he slumped down on his stool and buried his face in his arms. [Short of me waking up tomorrow morning looking like Snyder, things just possibly can't get any worse.] After a moment a voice sounded to break through Xander's thinking. "Yeah, I heard about you and Cordelia, tough break."
[I stand corrected, as usual.] Xander didn't even bother to raise his head. "Angel, at the risk of being redundant, drop dead. You of all people should recognize the sight of wallowing in self-pity when you see it."
Xander's depression deepened even further when he heard the sound of wood scuffling on tile, and knew that Angel was pulling out a stool to sit across from him. "So, want to fill me in on what really happened between you two?" Xander looked up just in time to see Angel nod towards the area where Cordelia was now holding court with her minions. Xander ran his hands through his hair and crossed his arms to give Angel his best WWF glare. "Not really." Angel shrugged and signaled a Bronze worker for an iced latte. "Ok. Buffy told me everything anyway." Xander stared back in exasperation. "So why did you even ask?" Angel's mouth gave a twitch and said completely straight-faced, "to piss you off."
He stared at Angel with a blank look. "Angel, you piss me off just by showing up. You don't need to reopen fresh wounds for that. Trust me, there's nobody else that I despise more, your position is secure."
Angel thanked the girl who brought over his latte and took a slurp. "Just want to make sure I'm not losing my touch." He stood up off his stool and tossed some money on the table. " All right, I sense when I'm not wanted. When Buffy comes, tell her I'm over there." He didn't look up to see where Angel indicated. "Will do." Xander said, obviously with no intention of doing so. Angel started to take a step, then retraced it. "By the way," He pointed at Cordelia in the distance. "I'm on her side."
Xander suddenly found himself wishing that looks really could kill. "Bite me." Angel raised an eyebrow and chuckled before he silently walked away. It was then that Xander realized the error of his words on two levels. He raised a finger and threw over his shoulder, "Let me rephrase that…" but the vampire was too far away.
After a couple of minutes Xander's anger of talking with Angel began to evaporate from a red-hot fury to a dull chill, as usual. [Dang, there is no one else in the world that makes me feel as uncomfortable as that talking corpse.] As if on cue, another voice shook Xander from his thoughts. "Hey Xander."
Xander turned his gaze back to Angel's stool, now occupied by the owner of the new voice. [ I wonder if I kicked a dog in my past life.] "Hi Larry," Xander sighed. "what's new with you?"
Larry shook his head and studied the fascinating tile floor. "Nothing much. Say, uh…" Larry cleared his throat in a nervous fashion and motioned across the crowded room. "You know that guy, right? Because I think he's kinda, well…hot. I'm sorta interested."
Too depressed and down to be uneasy, Xander turned to see whom Larry spoke of. "Who, Angel? Oh he's not-" An evil plan worthy of Melrose Place suddenly lodged itself in the foremost of Xander's brain, like those lightbulbs in cartoons. [I'm going to fry in Hell for this, but it'll soooo be worth it…]
Immediately Xander switched gears. "-involved. With anyone. He's a single guy all right. SWM seeks SWM, most definitely. Still searching for that special someone." Larry studied Xander with uncertainly. "You mean that you and him aren't…" Xander's stomach did a flip-flop and he thought he would retch at the thought.
"Who, him and me?" He did a demented laugh that reminded him of his hyena possession days. Then at Larry's look his demeanor grew very serious. "Sadly, no. It's not for a lack of trying on my part, of course. I just woke up one day and suddenly realized that it's just not meant to be, so I gave up." He turned his face away from Larry as if seriously distressed. "He's just out of my league."
Larry shook his head in disbelief. "Oh, gosh. I'm sorry man. That's, that's…brutal." Xander nodded as if composing his emotions and turned back around. "Yeah, I know. I'm healing though. I mean, you gotta let go sometime, right?" Xander accepted the napkin Larry offered and pretended to blow his nose. "I'm okay, really. I just didn't think it would still be so painful, you know?"
Larry nodded in understanding and scratched his head. "So, has he seen anyone else lately?" Xander snorted and began, "only this certain blonde…" then he thought about it and bit the inside of his mouth to keep his face emotionless. "…named Spike."
Larry wrinkled his forehead. "His name was Spike, really?" Xander nodded enthusiastically. "Yup, Spike. Angel's really into the biker, heavy- metal scene." Larry peered at Angel's still form in the distance. "Really? He doesn't look like it. Was it serious?"
Xander smiled as if reminiscing about old friends, or at least the appearance of such. "Oh yeah, nobody was tighter than those two. Very close, they lived together for ages. But don't ever bring that up…"
He looked from side to side as if he were about to share a huge secret he didn't want to get around, and motioned for Larry to lean forward. "Ugly break-up, and I don't think he's completely over it." Larry raised his eyebrows, "Whoa, really?"
Xander nodded so hard he thought his head would roll right off his body. "Oh yeah. In fact, one of the last times I saw Spike- he had taken off in the only car they had with an old ex, who had tried to hit on me once."
Larry enlarged his eyes to saucers. "You're kidding!" Xander shook his head. "Nope. And did I mentioned that this was all after Spike beat Angel with a crowbar?" Larry was speechless.
Xander sat back and gave a large sigh. "Yup. Angel has some serious inner demons right now. I think that's why he's here tonight, you know? Lookin' for love in all the wrong places." They both looked back to see Angel talking to a guitarist of the band now setting up, Dingoes Ate My Baby. Larry shook his head. "No, that's Oz. He's straight."
Xander rolled his eyes as if frustrated. "He's working through Oz to get to Devon, hello! Once you've got friend vibes with the lead guitarist, you've got a direct link to the lead singer, everyone knows that." Larry's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh…"
Larry slid off the stool and chewed his lip. "Maybe I should go talk to him before that happens, I mean- if that's okay?" Xander grunted and looked away to hide the smirk. "It'd be stupid not to!"
Larry looked back down at him. "Any tips?"
Xander glanced up, feeling better then he had for awhile. "He likes garlic bread."
THE END
Summary: A spew of lies ensue as Xander tells Larry about Angel's 'dating past'. And it ain't Buffy.
Spoilers: Takes place after 'Lover's Walk' and 'The Wish' in Season 3 after Cordy's had time to heal from her shish-kabob experience, so that I guess.
Rating: Hmm. Tricky. G-PG?
Meaningless Dialogue
By Rachel Robles (A.K.A Mirandabc)
Xander Harris was bored. It was more than boredom really; it was slowly creeping into a numbness of the mind and all other senses. Willow and Buffy had yet to make an entrance at the Bronze, so he was sitting there all by his lonesome at their usual table. His latest attempt to block out the newest nails-on-chalkboard band the Bronze had to offer was staring at the door, willing for it to open and Buffy and Willow to appear.
[A watched door never boils,] he idly thought to himself. The bartender had failed to card him yet again, so he took a sip from a third beer and dragged his slightly-more-than-buzzed gaze back to the dance floor. Big mistake.
There she was, Miss Cordelia Chase, dancing, talking, laughing- making the poor sap she was with think he stood a chance. [displaying her wares for possible clientele] Xander thought with fresh venom. He tried to look away, but he found his eyes were super-glued on her. He studied her and his gaze softened with the mood swing of a man slightly past tipsy. [Who am I kidding? She's beautiful, and it's all my fault that I gave our relationship the Xander kiss of death. I screw up anything good that's ever happened to me.]
He rolled his eyes back into his skull and tried to look at the thoughts imprinted permanently on his brain since the break up. "God, I'm so depressed!" he said to the air of voices around him. When no immediate reply came, he slumped down on his stool and buried his face in his arms. [Short of me waking up tomorrow morning looking like Snyder, things just possibly can't get any worse.] After a moment a voice sounded to break through Xander's thinking. "Yeah, I heard about you and Cordelia, tough break."
[I stand corrected, as usual.] Xander didn't even bother to raise his head. "Angel, at the risk of being redundant, drop dead. You of all people should recognize the sight of wallowing in self-pity when you see it."
Xander's depression deepened even further when he heard the sound of wood scuffling on tile, and knew that Angel was pulling out a stool to sit across from him. "So, want to fill me in on what really happened between you two?" Xander looked up just in time to see Angel nod towards the area where Cordelia was now holding court with her minions. Xander ran his hands through his hair and crossed his arms to give Angel his best WWF glare. "Not really." Angel shrugged and signaled a Bronze worker for an iced latte. "Ok. Buffy told me everything anyway." Xander stared back in exasperation. "So why did you even ask?" Angel's mouth gave a twitch and said completely straight-faced, "to piss you off."
He stared at Angel with a blank look. "Angel, you piss me off just by showing up. You don't need to reopen fresh wounds for that. Trust me, there's nobody else that I despise more, your position is secure."
Angel thanked the girl who brought over his latte and took a slurp. "Just want to make sure I'm not losing my touch." He stood up off his stool and tossed some money on the table. " All right, I sense when I'm not wanted. When Buffy comes, tell her I'm over there." He didn't look up to see where Angel indicated. "Will do." Xander said, obviously with no intention of doing so. Angel started to take a step, then retraced it. "By the way," He pointed at Cordelia in the distance. "I'm on her side."
Xander suddenly found himself wishing that looks really could kill. "Bite me." Angel raised an eyebrow and chuckled before he silently walked away. It was then that Xander realized the error of his words on two levels. He raised a finger and threw over his shoulder, "Let me rephrase that…" but the vampire was too far away.
After a couple of minutes Xander's anger of talking with Angel began to evaporate from a red-hot fury to a dull chill, as usual. [Dang, there is no one else in the world that makes me feel as uncomfortable as that talking corpse.] As if on cue, another voice shook Xander from his thoughts. "Hey Xander."
Xander turned his gaze back to Angel's stool, now occupied by the owner of the new voice. [ I wonder if I kicked a dog in my past life.] "Hi Larry," Xander sighed. "what's new with you?"
Larry shook his head and studied the fascinating tile floor. "Nothing much. Say, uh…" Larry cleared his throat in a nervous fashion and motioned across the crowded room. "You know that guy, right? Because I think he's kinda, well…hot. I'm sorta interested."
Too depressed and down to be uneasy, Xander turned to see whom Larry spoke of. "Who, Angel? Oh he's not-" An evil plan worthy of Melrose Place suddenly lodged itself in the foremost of Xander's brain, like those lightbulbs in cartoons. [I'm going to fry in Hell for this, but it'll soooo be worth it…]
Immediately Xander switched gears. "-involved. With anyone. He's a single guy all right. SWM seeks SWM, most definitely. Still searching for that special someone." Larry studied Xander with uncertainly. "You mean that you and him aren't…" Xander's stomach did a flip-flop and he thought he would retch at the thought.
"Who, him and me?" He did a demented laugh that reminded him of his hyena possession days. Then at Larry's look his demeanor grew very serious. "Sadly, no. It's not for a lack of trying on my part, of course. I just woke up one day and suddenly realized that it's just not meant to be, so I gave up." He turned his face away from Larry as if seriously distressed. "He's just out of my league."
Larry shook his head in disbelief. "Oh, gosh. I'm sorry man. That's, that's…brutal." Xander nodded as if composing his emotions and turned back around. "Yeah, I know. I'm healing though. I mean, you gotta let go sometime, right?" Xander accepted the napkin Larry offered and pretended to blow his nose. "I'm okay, really. I just didn't think it would still be so painful, you know?"
Larry nodded in understanding and scratched his head. "So, has he seen anyone else lately?" Xander snorted and began, "only this certain blonde…" then he thought about it and bit the inside of his mouth to keep his face emotionless. "…named Spike."
Larry wrinkled his forehead. "His name was Spike, really?" Xander nodded enthusiastically. "Yup, Spike. Angel's really into the biker, heavy- metal scene." Larry peered at Angel's still form in the distance. "Really? He doesn't look like it. Was it serious?"
Xander smiled as if reminiscing about old friends, or at least the appearance of such. "Oh yeah, nobody was tighter than those two. Very close, they lived together for ages. But don't ever bring that up…"
He looked from side to side as if he were about to share a huge secret he didn't want to get around, and motioned for Larry to lean forward. "Ugly break-up, and I don't think he's completely over it." Larry raised his eyebrows, "Whoa, really?"
Xander nodded so hard he thought his head would roll right off his body. "Oh yeah. In fact, one of the last times I saw Spike- he had taken off in the only car they had with an old ex, who had tried to hit on me once."
Larry enlarged his eyes to saucers. "You're kidding!" Xander shook his head. "Nope. And did I mentioned that this was all after Spike beat Angel with a crowbar?" Larry was speechless.
Xander sat back and gave a large sigh. "Yup. Angel has some serious inner demons right now. I think that's why he's here tonight, you know? Lookin' for love in all the wrong places." They both looked back to see Angel talking to a guitarist of the band now setting up, Dingoes Ate My Baby. Larry shook his head. "No, that's Oz. He's straight."
Xander rolled his eyes as if frustrated. "He's working through Oz to get to Devon, hello! Once you've got friend vibes with the lead guitarist, you've got a direct link to the lead singer, everyone knows that." Larry's eyes widened in understanding. "Oh…"
Larry slid off the stool and chewed his lip. "Maybe I should go talk to him before that happens, I mean- if that's okay?" Xander grunted and looked away to hide the smirk. "It'd be stupid not to!"
Larry looked back down at him. "Any tips?"
Xander glanced up, feeling better then he had for awhile. "He likes garlic bread."
THE END