A/N: There's possibly going to be one more part to the journey after this,
guys, but it is more likely to be the arrival at Azkaban. I'm sorry its
long, but these things have to be said and this is where they fit. I have
changed the rating of the story, because of the flashback in the last
chapter, and the fact that there may be more like that to come.
The Journey- Part 2
There had been a long silence, and Rene had guessed it was best to leave them to their thoughts. They had both looked out of the tinted windows of the car, and not looked back for some time. This gave her time to think; to let her mind wander. It wandered further back than it had that morning, to their time at Hogwarts, and how things had changed so wildly. Never, not in her wildest dreams or nightmares would she have seen their world the way it was now. Just but 6 years ago, they had been happy, and had not a care in the world. But it was a different happiness, now. One that was there because they had survived so much together, and that they wouldn't have gotten out of the depression, anger and pain that was their penultimate year. She thought of Lily, and when she had first told her about her pregnancy, about how she herself had begged Lily to tell someone, and how it had all ended in tears.
With a heavy sigh, she dragged herself back to the real world. She looked across at Ed, and he had fallen asleep.
"He didn't sleep at all last night." Severus whispered, "He was too damn excited. You know, he really does love you."
"I know," She spoke softly, stroking Ed's hair "Tell him the same, will you? It's more believable coming from someone else, sometimes... Severus, can I ask you something?"
He arched his eyebrow suspiciously, not knowing what was coming. Everything about Reen, about his job and anything else he could imagine had been drummed out of him already, and he didn't like the tone she was speaking in. It was a cautious tone, a tentative tone, which told him he was not going to like at all what she wanted to say. Every bone in his body told him not to let her ask, not to let her speak further...
"Of course. What?"
"Do you ever think about her anymore?"
"Who? Reen?" He asked confused. Rene glared at him with all the menace she could muster amidst her sadness.
"No. You know who I mean."
And then it hit him. A short sharp smack brought her flying to his mind. The despicable wretch, the beautiful swan, the lying slut, the loyal friend. Memories drowned him for a moment, more powerfully than ever before. His thoughts of Lily were frequent, but never as confusing as these. Something about Rene mentioning it brought it all back, every last moment. He was usually able to dismiss thoughts with the blink of an eye, but these would not fade.
"You do, don't you?" Rene ventured, seeing his eyes glaze and his mind retract into itself. "Severus, forgive me, but I had to ask. I had to know I was not the only one who still thought of her...Have you spoken to her since?"
"No, on both counts. I do not think of her, and I have not spoken to her. Why would I do either?"
"Considering you are a Slytherin, you cannot lie well, Severus. Or perhaps it is my also being a Slytherin that tells me you are telling me but a half- truth. Please, admit it?" She lay a gentle hand on his arm, trying to coax the answer out of him, though she did not need it to know she was right.
"Yes..." he muttered, though it was some minutes before he did so, and more before he spoke again. "I am happy, I have what seems a perfect life, but it all gets thrown off so easily by her, that lying little wretch...Whenever I see Reen, I think only of how perfect she is, and inevitably, how she is everything Lily was not, and what a blessing that is. But my mind has never been one to let things go, and I wonder, is that true? Do I want someone who is everything she was not?" He sighed, and lifted his gaze from his own lap to the windows of the car. "You must think me mad."
"No. I would think you mad if you had no care for her."
He turned sharply to face her, his face suddenly angered.
"I said I think of her, but I assure you I do not care one tiny bit for her and that Potter. Especially not him. How could I, after what she did to me, to us, to you?"
"She did much, Severus, I know. To me and to you above all, and what she did cut deep, but the fact that you care she did that means you care. I have had far too much time to dwell on the past, and I know that it hurts more now I have thought about it than it ever did before, but it is the only way to relieve myself of it. If questions lie hidden at the back of one's mind, they leave no room for true happiness. Life is short, Severus, and I think it is far too short to let something such as this ruin it for us."
Again, he snapped. Their both being of titled blood mean as they went on, their tones became more formal. It is a sure sign that things have come to fever pitch when two old friends talk as two strangers.
"Rene, you talk nonsense. What she did was unforgivable, and if you are even *thinking* of a reconciliation, then you have not the sense you are credited with."
"Severus, *nothing* in this world is unforgivable. Not deeds, not words, not even curses. Such things have no place. I am not suggesting anything stupid, though that is what it may seem. I merely think that we should not leave things as they are. Lay down the swords, if you will. I do not propose we try and return to the way things were, for that can never be, but just say something to her, just to let her know no grudge is born anymore...Don't you think it is time?"
He looked at her with sullen eyes. misplaced in an angry face. In his mind he knew she was right, and in his heart he thought she stopped too soon, not suggesting enough, but his pride over-ruled.
"No. You may do so, but I will not. Make sure you let her know how much she is loathed when you make amends, don't you? I think she would like to hear that her feelings are reciprocated." he snapped, with biting sarcasm. It riled him to see himself going so against what he wished to do, but he just could not find it in him to forgive her, nor even to speak civilly of her. He did not know why, for he wanted nothing more than to be able to, but old wounds die hard, just as habits.
Much of the rest of the journey was spent in pregnant silence, each of them threatening to break it at any moment. Rene cursed herself for bringing it up, but also Severus for being so damn narrow minded. Severus cursed himself for being so narrow minded, but Rene for bringing the damn thing up. they had played many a game of chess in all their time, but never had such a ruthless stalemate been reached before. Eventually, Rene fell asleep on Ed's shoulder, and Severus' mind drifted too far for him to be rendered conscious. He thought of nothing, and was as aware of his surroundings as he would have been if both blind and deaf.
The Journey- Part 2
There had been a long silence, and Rene had guessed it was best to leave them to their thoughts. They had both looked out of the tinted windows of the car, and not looked back for some time. This gave her time to think; to let her mind wander. It wandered further back than it had that morning, to their time at Hogwarts, and how things had changed so wildly. Never, not in her wildest dreams or nightmares would she have seen their world the way it was now. Just but 6 years ago, they had been happy, and had not a care in the world. But it was a different happiness, now. One that was there because they had survived so much together, and that they wouldn't have gotten out of the depression, anger and pain that was their penultimate year. She thought of Lily, and when she had first told her about her pregnancy, about how she herself had begged Lily to tell someone, and how it had all ended in tears.
With a heavy sigh, she dragged herself back to the real world. She looked across at Ed, and he had fallen asleep.
"He didn't sleep at all last night." Severus whispered, "He was too damn excited. You know, he really does love you."
"I know," She spoke softly, stroking Ed's hair "Tell him the same, will you? It's more believable coming from someone else, sometimes... Severus, can I ask you something?"
He arched his eyebrow suspiciously, not knowing what was coming. Everything about Reen, about his job and anything else he could imagine had been drummed out of him already, and he didn't like the tone she was speaking in. It was a cautious tone, a tentative tone, which told him he was not going to like at all what she wanted to say. Every bone in his body told him not to let her ask, not to let her speak further...
"Of course. What?"
"Do you ever think about her anymore?"
"Who? Reen?" He asked confused. Rene glared at him with all the menace she could muster amidst her sadness.
"No. You know who I mean."
And then it hit him. A short sharp smack brought her flying to his mind. The despicable wretch, the beautiful swan, the lying slut, the loyal friend. Memories drowned him for a moment, more powerfully than ever before. His thoughts of Lily were frequent, but never as confusing as these. Something about Rene mentioning it brought it all back, every last moment. He was usually able to dismiss thoughts with the blink of an eye, but these would not fade.
"You do, don't you?" Rene ventured, seeing his eyes glaze and his mind retract into itself. "Severus, forgive me, but I had to ask. I had to know I was not the only one who still thought of her...Have you spoken to her since?"
"No, on both counts. I do not think of her, and I have not spoken to her. Why would I do either?"
"Considering you are a Slytherin, you cannot lie well, Severus. Or perhaps it is my also being a Slytherin that tells me you are telling me but a half- truth. Please, admit it?" She lay a gentle hand on his arm, trying to coax the answer out of him, though she did not need it to know she was right.
"Yes..." he muttered, though it was some minutes before he did so, and more before he spoke again. "I am happy, I have what seems a perfect life, but it all gets thrown off so easily by her, that lying little wretch...Whenever I see Reen, I think only of how perfect she is, and inevitably, how she is everything Lily was not, and what a blessing that is. But my mind has never been one to let things go, and I wonder, is that true? Do I want someone who is everything she was not?" He sighed, and lifted his gaze from his own lap to the windows of the car. "You must think me mad."
"No. I would think you mad if you had no care for her."
He turned sharply to face her, his face suddenly angered.
"I said I think of her, but I assure you I do not care one tiny bit for her and that Potter. Especially not him. How could I, after what she did to me, to us, to you?"
"She did much, Severus, I know. To me and to you above all, and what she did cut deep, but the fact that you care she did that means you care. I have had far too much time to dwell on the past, and I know that it hurts more now I have thought about it than it ever did before, but it is the only way to relieve myself of it. If questions lie hidden at the back of one's mind, they leave no room for true happiness. Life is short, Severus, and I think it is far too short to let something such as this ruin it for us."
Again, he snapped. Their both being of titled blood mean as they went on, their tones became more formal. It is a sure sign that things have come to fever pitch when two old friends talk as two strangers.
"Rene, you talk nonsense. What she did was unforgivable, and if you are even *thinking* of a reconciliation, then you have not the sense you are credited with."
"Severus, *nothing* in this world is unforgivable. Not deeds, not words, not even curses. Such things have no place. I am not suggesting anything stupid, though that is what it may seem. I merely think that we should not leave things as they are. Lay down the swords, if you will. I do not propose we try and return to the way things were, for that can never be, but just say something to her, just to let her know no grudge is born anymore...Don't you think it is time?"
He looked at her with sullen eyes. misplaced in an angry face. In his mind he knew she was right, and in his heart he thought she stopped too soon, not suggesting enough, but his pride over-ruled.
"No. You may do so, but I will not. Make sure you let her know how much she is loathed when you make amends, don't you? I think she would like to hear that her feelings are reciprocated." he snapped, with biting sarcasm. It riled him to see himself going so against what he wished to do, but he just could not find it in him to forgive her, nor even to speak civilly of her. He did not know why, for he wanted nothing more than to be able to, but old wounds die hard, just as habits.
Much of the rest of the journey was spent in pregnant silence, each of them threatening to break it at any moment. Rene cursed herself for bringing it up, but also Severus for being so damn narrow minded. Severus cursed himself for being so narrow minded, but Rene for bringing the damn thing up. they had played many a game of chess in all their time, but never had such a ruthless stalemate been reached before. Eventually, Rene fell asleep on Ed's shoulder, and Severus' mind drifted too far for him to be rendered conscious. He thought of nothing, and was as aware of his surroundings as he would have been if both blind and deaf.