The Discovery of the Alcoholic Beverage.
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The Davis family household sat in a quiet little neighborhood in Midwestern America. It was a peaceful simple place to live. Just your average neighbor hood with average kids who, like many average children, experiment with alcohol.
Andy and his friend, LeRoy quietly tip toed up the stairs past his mother. And clutched the brown paper sack to his chest so it couldn't been seen. Both boys kept a watchful eye out for Mrs. Davis to turn around from the Rosie O'Donnell show and catch them with the prized six pack of Bud. As soon as they reached the threshold of Andy's bedroom door and the sanctity of the privacy behind closed doors the two boy's closed and locked the door behind them. Andy, who was now a teenager, still playing with toys because of his mental disability, placed the brown bag containing their stolen goods on the bed spread.
"Sweet! We aren't even twenty-one yet!" LeRoy said as he watched his friend take the cans from the sake and hand one to him.
"Yeah I know! I feel so evil, but it feels so good," Andy said as he slowly popped the top of the can. "Well here's to your cousin Lennie, who bought us the booze," Andy raised his can to his lips and took a long swig of the delicious brew. "Yumm, now that's good stuff. LeRoy you take a drink now." Andy urged his comrade.
LeRoy wasn't as cautious as Andy and chugged the whole can down. "It feels like there's a party in my mouth," LeRoy commented.
"Taste great and less filling," the two boys quickly drank four out of six cans between the two of them. Pretty soon their young bodies were feeling the effects of their first binge. "I feel like shit," Andy said clutching his stomach. They didn't have a high toleration for alcohol and after two beers they were wasted.
"I think I'm going to throw up," LeRoy covered his mouth as he and Andy ran to the bathroom to puke their guts out in the toilet, if they were lucky enough to make it that far.
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As soon as the two boys had rushed out of the room and slammed the door behind them the toys came to life. They all crowded around the can that was laying open in the middle of the floor where one of the kids had left it. They all stared at it. Sure they had seen pop cans before, but never a strange beverage the color of fresh piss.
"What the fucking hell is that?" Woody asked as he eyed the can.
Buzz walked around it examining it closely, "It reads 'Budweiser' on the side of it's crimson container," Buzz read. He pulled up his wrist scanner to try and see if he could get any readings on his scanner. "There's no Budweiser is Star Command's computer data base," Buzz concluded.
"Shut the fuck up Lightyear!" everyone shouted at him.
"It's beer you crack heads!" Jessie shouted from behind them. Everyone turned to listen to the cowgirl's words of wisdom. "You drink it when you feel like a little pick me up." she said to them all.
"How do you know these things?" Woody asked her.
"Well Emily's Mom was an Alcoholic, there wasn't a room in the house that didn't have an empty beer can in it," Jessie concluded.
"Is the toxin safe to drink?" Buzz asked as he eyed a sample of the spilled liquid on the wooden floor of the room.
Jessie rolled her eyes at everyone, "Of course it is! If it wasn't safe they wouldn't be selling it in every God damn mother fucking store!" Jessie said irritated a bit. She reached up to the top of the can and dabbed her finger into the elixir that was left on the rim of the top and licked it off her finger. "See good."
Buzz strolled up to it and bent the can down to his level so he could see inside it. He looked at his reflection in the cold sensational brew. He bent his nose down and sniffed. It smelled OK. He dipped his hand in through the top and scooped up a hand full and drew it to his mouth. "Mmm that IS good!" Buzz was no addicted to the beer and started slopping down handfuls of it. Jessie grabbed hit by the back of his space pants and yanked him out of the can and set it upright.
"Buzz I'm warning you, don't drink too much, you don't understand how to use the drink right. If you abuse it you could be regretting it tomorrow morning when your head is spinning from a hang over," Jessie warned the Spaceman.
"Yeah, yeah, blah blah, Just let me at it!" Buzz started for the can but Jessie held him back. "I think I will be in charge of alcohol distribution," Jessie said as she pulled Buzz out of the way and went to the can. She dragged it towards a GI Joe camp that was set out and there were little toy mugs to pour the beer into for the toys. "Now you will only be allowed a few beers, wait until you build up a tolerance that way you don't get sick." Jessie poured the beer into the mugs and then passed them out to the toys who were anxiously waiting in line for a taste of this miracle drink. Everyone sipped their beer, making it laste, all except Buzz who chugged it down as fast as he could. He was buzzed enough but he wanted more. He strolled up to Jessie to see if he could sweet talk her into letting him have another. After all she was supposed to be his gal.
"Hey Babe, hows about doing me a favor and giving me another swig?" Buzz asked her.
"Sorry honey, but you look stoned enough already," she patted him lovingly on top of his head. She then took the last sip out of her glass.
"But I thought you loved me?" Buzz pouted.
"I do that's why I'm not letting you have anymore."
"If I don't get no beer, then no sex," Buzz said crossly.
"So, that's not a problem for me, it's you who goes insane when you don't get none," she said.
"Damn!" Buzz had it backwards. He started to walk off but then got an idea. He turned around at the corner of Andy's bed and crawled under it. He made it to the GI Joe camp and raided the tent. He took out a cork spicate and then made his way quietly to the can. He looked around and saw Jessie looking the other direction. Looking for him no doubt, to keep him away form that whom called his name. He jabbed the end into the aluminum can and took his mug and held it under the spout. He poured himself a tall frosty one. He quickly sucked it down and then continued to drink and drink until there was no more. Buzz was totaly wasted, his mental restrictions were gone. Everything that held him back from doing weird and unusually things before where now on hold until all of the booze wore off.
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Jessie estimated that they could use one more round of brandy. She tipped over the can to pour them all another round of drinks to find it empty. "Oh what the hell? I know there weren't that many toys in here who could have drank that much?" she looked all the way in the can to find it bone dry, not a drop of booze left. "Well what the fuck?" she turned the can over to find Buzz standing behind it with his pants on the floor. "Oh my God! You didn't!" everyone turned away from the sight preferring not to see that. But it wasn't anything Jessie hadn't seen before.
"Everybody look I'm naked!!!" Buzz screamed. He slurred his speech a bit. The pantsless Space Ranger swayed on his feet, just barely able to balance himself.
"Ok babe," she ran to him and picked up his pants from the floor and his boxer shorts and tried to cover him up, "OK Buzz, let's get you dressed here."
He shook his head no and laughed hiccupping in the middle, "No, I'm naked, and I'm pretty."
"Yeah but you can't go running around with no pants on," Jessie tried to reason with him, but found it futile to reason with a drunk man.
"Then I will make it all better," Buzz said nodding his spinning drunken head. Jessie smiled thinking she had gotten him to become decent but instead she found herself holding his uniform top in her hand.
"Buzz NO! That's not what I meant!" she said but it was too late, Buzz had decided to streak all through the room. He took off running shouting 'I'm too sexy for my clothes'. Jessie ran after him waving his uniform in her hands. "Get back here you drunken bastard!!"
Buzz didn't hear her through the voices in his head that told him to keep running. They soon told him to write his name on the wall. "Duh, OK!" Buzz agreed and grabbed a permanent marker from Andy's crayon box and wrote on Andy's wall 'Buz waz her.' he laughed to himself then got an idea. "Don't eat yellow snow!" he quickly started for the window.
Jessie stopped at the wall where Buzz had taken off from and stopped to catch her breath. She looked at the wall and screamed, "OK, you aren't getting any of my ass for a week Mister!" she quickly chased after him to the window.
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Buzz had made it to the window. It was the middle of winter, they had just had a snowstorm and the ledge outside the window was covered with the glistening white ice crystals. Buzz laughed as he opened the window and took a leak on the snow, writing his name in it. When he was done pissing he just stood there and laughed. Jessie by this time had finally caught up with the drunken fool. She stood behind him and knocked him down. She then proceeded in trying to put his clothes on for him.
"I tried reasoning with you Buzz, but you wouldn't listen, now we're going to have to do this the hard way."
Buzz looked at her, "You're so kinky, I like the hard way."
"No not that!!" she yelled at him. When he spoke his breath smelled like shit. "Eww after I'm done dressing you like some fucking baby I'm gonna brush you'r teeth. You stink!"
"Wanna take a shower with me?" he asked her.
"Not until your sober," she said and forced his feet through his pant legs.
"You know, usually you're trying to get my clothes off of me," he said smiling, "Now you wanna put them back on? Why? I'm just going to take them off tonight when I get into bed anyways."
"I'm not sleeping with your drunken ass! You smell and you are incoherent!" Jessie put his pants back on and then sat on him trying to put his shit on over his head but he wasn't cooperating. "Come on Buzz, lift the arms," Jessie felt like she was dressing a five year old for a day of school.
"I'm lifting something else right now," he said laughing.
Jessie punched him in the crotch, "Cut it out! You're dunk and I'm taking you straight to bed."
"Yeah! I'm having sex!" Buzz said throwing his arms into the air. "SCORE!"
Jessie seized the opportunity and put his shirt on over his head while his arms were in the air, "Well you can have sex by yourself, because I don't even what to be in the same room with you right now let alone the same damn bed." she got up off him and dragged him to their bed, witch was made from some left over Barbie house beds that used to be in Molly's old doll house. Jessie found some duct tape and taped Buzz's clothes onto his body.
"You know that only makes me want to take them off more," he said, "I like it when you play hard to get."
"I'm not playing Buzz, I'm serious. You fucking drunk off your ass, it isn't sexy," she then twist tied his arms and legs to the bed so he couldn't get up. Buzz was still yacking about things he wouldn't say that loud if he didn't have a few beers in him when Jessie hit him over the head with a Hotwheels car, nocking him out into a deep sleep.
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That night both Andy and Buzz slept until 12 noon. Jessie refused to sleep with Buzz and kicked him out of the bed and onto the floor. When Andy woke up he was moaning and groaning about a migraine he had, a hangover.
When Buzz awoke he also had a huge pain, and had no idea about the day before. "Ugh! Why does it feel like somebody shot my in the head a million times?"
"Because I was about ready to," Jessie said to him still angry over the day before.
"What happened?" he was totally out of it.
"Well let's see, you got drunk to infinity and beyond then you ran naked through the house and then wanted sex." she scolded him.
"Owe, don't yell so loud, I got a head ache," he said.
"Serves you right," Jessie mumbled
"So I wanted sex? How is that different then any other day?" he asked.
"Because you were drunk and you just wanted it to have it," the odor of Buzz became strong, he stunk like elephant shit. "Ok now that you're awake, You're taking a bath little Mister." she yanked him to his feet and started to drag him the bathroom.
Buzz lifted an arm and smelled his pits, "Eww! That is ripe! PU!" he held his nose and put his arm back down. He then felt very sick to his stomach. He put his hands to his mouth because he was about to throw up. He quickly ran out of Andy's room and into the hall on his way to the Davis' family bathroom. Jessie rolled her eyes as she heard Buzz in there suffering from a hangover.
"Don't forget to brush your teeth!" she called back to him.
END