TITLE: Weasley-You Idiot!
By: Sheila Bailey
Email: [1]freerose28@hotmail.com
Rated: PG13 for now.
Summary: Ron and Draco have a little problem. 1. They had sex. 2. Draco has some bad news for Ron. Humor, parody. R/DM.
Notes: One of my pet peeves in HP slash is when Draco is turned into (with all seriousness on the part of the author) some kind of girly boy. I'm poking fun at this, not intending to pick on any one fic specifically.
Disc: Not mine.
**
" I think Malfoy is going to throw up," said Hermione, she gestured with her breakfast spoon across the Great Hall at the Slytherin table.
"He doesn't look so good,"Harry agreed. Just then, Draco stood up, knocking his chair back with a clatter, and ran from the hall with his hand over his mouth.
Oh my God, Ron thought. He really is sick. He actually wanted to run after Draco, just to see if he was alright, but he restrained himself. It was just one night, two months ago, he didn't owe Draco anything. Nope. Nothing. He didn't care at all, Really.
"Draco's been throwing up for three days!" Pansy Parkinson whined as she passed by Harry, Ron and Hermione with her Slytherin girls. "I keep telling him he should see Madame Pomfrey."
Three days? Maybe I should go talk to him, Ron mused. But he's MALFOY, you aren't supposed to care about whether he's feeling well or not.
But I do.
Sort of.
**
One week later.
Crabbe and Goyle hurried down the main hallway, looking around nervously as they headed for the Slytherin dorms.
"You've got it?" Draco hissed, opening the door to the bathroom just an inch.
"We snuck out at lunch. I still think you should tell a teacher," Goyle rumbled.
"No!" Draco said. "This is humiliating enough!" He grabbed the plastic bag they handed him and shut the door in their faces.
"D'you need any-uh-help?" Crabbe asked.
"No, I don't need any help, I think that, being 15 years old, I have mastered this simple biological function!"
A few sounds from inside the bathroom.
"Are you done yet?"
"It says I have to wait 5 minutes,"Draco said.
Long pause.
"Done yet?"
"No, you half baked morons!"
Another long pause.
"Okay, now it's done. Let's see what it says. I really don't think I'm..." Draco let out a howl of rage. "Weasley, you idiot!"
Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other. They knew Draco was smarter than they were, and usually they never questioned him, but why was he yelling at Ron Weasley, who wasn't even in the room?
**
"Weasley, I wanna talk to you."
"Somebody's on the warpath," Harry commented. A small blond person was baring down on them, fists clenched, with a furious look on his face. Draco shoved Ron into an unused classroom and threw the tiny box on the desk.
"Look at this."
"It's a Muggle pregnancy test,"Ron said, confused.
"Yes. It's MY Muggle pregnancy test. I'm freaking pregnant, Weasley, and it's YOUR fault."
"How is it my fault?"
"Because I haven't slept with anyone else since I slept with you, and I've ruled out everything else, including appendicitis and being cursed. We didn't use a condom, remember? We thought that since we were both boys, and hadn't been with that many other people, that it would be okay."
"And it should have been, "Ron protested. "Men can't have babies. One man can't get another man pregnant."
"Yeah? And people can't stay alive for 12 years after their bodies are gone, or survive the Avada Kedavra curse. And no one's ever set a giant basilisk loose in the halls of our school. Anything is possible in our world, including, apparently, men getting pregnant. "
"If it is true,"Ron began awkwardly,"I'll help you."
"I don't need your help, and I don't want it. I can handle this on my own, I just thought you ought to know what you did to me,"Draco snapped, and stormed out of the room.
**
"Professor Snape? I have a big problem."
"Yes, Draco?" Snape smiled at him. He could always make time for his favorite student.
"I know you've got a lot of potions and things, you being a Potions Master and all, and I well, I need-"
"Yes?"
"I need something that will get rid of a baby!" Draco blurted out.
"Oh, Draco," Snape's heart sank. "Pansy was afraid to come to me on her own? You did a good, gentlemanly thing taking responsibility for your actions."
"Pansy?" Draco gasped. "No, Professor, I need it for myself. I'm pregnant."
"Your father did have that talk with you about the difference between boys and girls, correct?" Snape asked.
"I know it doesn't make any sense, but I'm pregnant, and I need to get rid of this-thing- quickly before I start showing."
"Those potions are illegal, Draco. "
"Sir, I don't care, just get this thing out of me,"Draco pleaded.
"I'm sorry, I can't help you. I wish I could, but I can't."
At this point, Draco began to cry, burying his face in Snape's robes. Snape patted his back awkwardly.
"There, there. It will all work out." Wasn't that the thing to say to someone who was crying? He wasn't sure; he'd never been forced to comfort someone before.
"No, it won't, "Draco sobbed. "I'm a pregnant teenager. I'll have to quit school and spend my days knitting baby booties. My father will disown me, and with me being a high school drop out, and Weasley being well, Weasley, we'll be poor! We'll be poor and my child will grow up uneducated and-and -and POOR!"
**
References
1. mailto:freerose28@hotmail.com
By: Sheila Bailey
Email: [1]freerose28@hotmail.com
Rated: PG13 for now.
Summary: Ron and Draco have a little problem. 1. They had sex. 2. Draco has some bad news for Ron. Humor, parody. R/DM.
Notes: One of my pet peeves in HP slash is when Draco is turned into (with all seriousness on the part of the author) some kind of girly boy. I'm poking fun at this, not intending to pick on any one fic specifically.
Disc: Not mine.
**
" I think Malfoy is going to throw up," said Hermione, she gestured with her breakfast spoon across the Great Hall at the Slytherin table.
"He doesn't look so good,"Harry agreed. Just then, Draco stood up, knocking his chair back with a clatter, and ran from the hall with his hand over his mouth.
Oh my God, Ron thought. He really is sick. He actually wanted to run after Draco, just to see if he was alright, but he restrained himself. It was just one night, two months ago, he didn't owe Draco anything. Nope. Nothing. He didn't care at all, Really.
"Draco's been throwing up for three days!" Pansy Parkinson whined as she passed by Harry, Ron and Hermione with her Slytherin girls. "I keep telling him he should see Madame Pomfrey."
Three days? Maybe I should go talk to him, Ron mused. But he's MALFOY, you aren't supposed to care about whether he's feeling well or not.
But I do.
Sort of.
**
One week later.
Crabbe and Goyle hurried down the main hallway, looking around nervously as they headed for the Slytherin dorms.
"You've got it?" Draco hissed, opening the door to the bathroom just an inch.
"We snuck out at lunch. I still think you should tell a teacher," Goyle rumbled.
"No!" Draco said. "This is humiliating enough!" He grabbed the plastic bag they handed him and shut the door in their faces.
"D'you need any-uh-help?" Crabbe asked.
"No, I don't need any help, I think that, being 15 years old, I have mastered this simple biological function!"
A few sounds from inside the bathroom.
"Are you done yet?"
"It says I have to wait 5 minutes,"Draco said.
Long pause.
"Done yet?"
"No, you half baked morons!"
Another long pause.
"Okay, now it's done. Let's see what it says. I really don't think I'm..." Draco let out a howl of rage. "Weasley, you idiot!"
Crabbe and Goyle looked at each other. They knew Draco was smarter than they were, and usually they never questioned him, but why was he yelling at Ron Weasley, who wasn't even in the room?
**
"Weasley, I wanna talk to you."
"Somebody's on the warpath," Harry commented. A small blond person was baring down on them, fists clenched, with a furious look on his face. Draco shoved Ron into an unused classroom and threw the tiny box on the desk.
"Look at this."
"It's a Muggle pregnancy test,"Ron said, confused.
"Yes. It's MY Muggle pregnancy test. I'm freaking pregnant, Weasley, and it's YOUR fault."
"How is it my fault?"
"Because I haven't slept with anyone else since I slept with you, and I've ruled out everything else, including appendicitis and being cursed. We didn't use a condom, remember? We thought that since we were both boys, and hadn't been with that many other people, that it would be okay."
"And it should have been, "Ron protested. "Men can't have babies. One man can't get another man pregnant."
"Yeah? And people can't stay alive for 12 years after their bodies are gone, or survive the Avada Kedavra curse. And no one's ever set a giant basilisk loose in the halls of our school. Anything is possible in our world, including, apparently, men getting pregnant. "
"If it is true,"Ron began awkwardly,"I'll help you."
"I don't need your help, and I don't want it. I can handle this on my own, I just thought you ought to know what you did to me,"Draco snapped, and stormed out of the room.
**
"Professor Snape? I have a big problem."
"Yes, Draco?" Snape smiled at him. He could always make time for his favorite student.
"I know you've got a lot of potions and things, you being a Potions Master and all, and I well, I need-"
"Yes?"
"I need something that will get rid of a baby!" Draco blurted out.
"Oh, Draco," Snape's heart sank. "Pansy was afraid to come to me on her own? You did a good, gentlemanly thing taking responsibility for your actions."
"Pansy?" Draco gasped. "No, Professor, I need it for myself. I'm pregnant."
"Your father did have that talk with you about the difference between boys and girls, correct?" Snape asked.
"I know it doesn't make any sense, but I'm pregnant, and I need to get rid of this-thing- quickly before I start showing."
"Those potions are illegal, Draco. "
"Sir, I don't care, just get this thing out of me,"Draco pleaded.
"I'm sorry, I can't help you. I wish I could, but I can't."
At this point, Draco began to cry, burying his face in Snape's robes. Snape patted his back awkwardly.
"There, there. It will all work out." Wasn't that the thing to say to someone who was crying? He wasn't sure; he'd never been forced to comfort someone before.
"No, it won't, "Draco sobbed. "I'm a pregnant teenager. I'll have to quit school and spend my days knitting baby booties. My father will disown me, and with me being a high school drop out, and Weasley being well, Weasley, we'll be poor! We'll be poor and my child will grow up uneducated and-and -and POOR!"
**
References
1. mailto:freerose28@hotmail.com