Author note: Whoo! Part two! I decided to stop just before the Tucson Wasteland bit, cause that parts gonna be fun, and this whole thing would be far too long if I put it in with this part.
Well, same rules apply. I don't own the Final Fantasy characters. (If anyone from Square is reading this, please let me have Kefka and Auron? Plllllllleeeeaaaassssee?) I also don't own Dr Frank N Furter from the Rocky Horror Picture Show, or Mills and Boon books. (For anyone who doesn't know, Mills and Boon books are the kinda thing that a middle aged, repressed housewife reads. Full of sex between beautiful people, and not much else) Don't sue me. Student I am. Money I have not.
Enjoy, kids! Reviews always welcome, in return for those luscious cookies I supply! If you don't review… Well, I'll have to put you in a PAL territory (like the fair ol' UK where I live) and you won't be able to play FF games until the rest of the world has had them for months!! Muaaaah hah!!! (So, I'm annoyed about the lack of FFX in this country… So what? *eye twitches*)
(INT: The Council meeting room
Cid and Aki are sat at one table of the room, facing the Council members. Aki has another lollipop in her mouth, and is staring into space – obviously not paying attention – as a soldier talks in the centre of the room)
Soldier: Members of the Council…
(There is a thud offscreen as Phi faints)
Soldier: (muttering to himself) What the hell did I do to deserve this…? (shakes head and looks up again) Can someone explain to me why Zeus was completed a month ago and still, it has not been used? We all know that it is our best means of destroying the Phantoms once and for all.
Counciller #1: General Hein, calm down. You know perfectly well that whining does nothing to help speed a decision along.
Hein: (scowling as he points to Aki) It helps her. (puts on his trademark scowl and stares moodily at the camera) I'm General Hein; hater of scientists and lover of all things that go "boom" (to himself) I can't believe I just said that…
(Hee hee. I made Hein say what I wanted him to!)
Counciller #1: Before we can even start to make a decision about Zeus, I want to consult Dr Cid, the Head of the Bioetheric division.
Cid: Thank you.
(Hein sits down grudgingly, shaking his head as Cid stands up and addresses the Council)
Cid: As everyone knows, the source of the Phantoms is the Leonid meteor that landed here 30 or so years ago. For each one of those thirty years, we have launched attacks on the meteor and every one has failed. If we use the Zeus cannon, I fear it will do more harm than good.
Counciller #2: What do you mean, doctor?
Cid: Well, whenever the meteor is attacked, the Phantoms on the outside are indeed, destroyed…
Hein: See? Even the old coot agrees with me!
Cid: … But. More Phantoms are released from the meteor, and they react by digging further into the Earth.
Counciller #2: Like a mole of some sort? Moles are easy to deal with, just lay some explosive, and it's mole pie for dinner, just like mom used to make.
Cid: Uhh… yeah. Kind of… (raises an eyebrow) If we use the Zeus cannon, then it may result in an injury to the Earth itself…
(He coughs loudly, but he can clearly be heard saying the word "Square" as he does so)
Counciller #1: (unamused) You mean the Square; the Spirit of the Planet?
Cid: Am I that obvious?
(Everyone nods as one)
Cid: Oh… Well, yes. I mean the Square.
Hein: (shaking his head and standing up) Why, oh why, does this Council sit there and listen to this crap? If you had listened to my ideas on punishment for the crazy, we could have had him decapitated by now…
Counciller #1: If we'd listened to you on half the ideas you have, General, there wouldn't be much of a human population left.
Hein: So?
Counciller #1: (uneasily; trying not to look at Hein) Dr Cid, you know the Square theory has not been proven, and even if it had been, how would it be able to help us destroy the Phantoms?
Cid: I have a solution that would not only enable us to kill the Phantoms, but also to prevent hurting the Square.
Hein: Bullshit!
Counciller #2: Where I echo the General's sentiments, we must allow the crazy old foo… I mean, doctor to speak…
(Cid nods and launches into a complicated speech that sounds strangely stolen from the plotline of Final Fantasy VII)
FF fans in audience: Heeeey! It's the Lifestream! Sort of…
Cid: Shhh! I don't want anyone to figure that out!
(There is little chance of that happening. Everyone else is asleep)
Cid: Oops. Rambled on a little too long, I think. Uh… Everyone? Wake up now! (nothing stirs) I… uh… Anyone awake? (looks towards the author) Little help here?
Phi: (V.O.) Zzzzz… Zzzzz…
Cid: (unamused) Grrreat… (reaches under the table, muttering about his contract and how none of the other Cids were treated this badly) Even Cid from VI got treated well, and he was a bad guy… Sort of…
(He finally finds what he's looking for – a paperback Mills & Boon book – and lets out an exasperated sigh as he sits down)
Cid: If these people had better attention spans… (he coughs loudly and then begins to read) "Jessica let out a silky gasp of delight as Curt's strong hands moved over her soft skin…"
(People are starting to stir slightly, but no-one is awake yet. Cid continues to read loudly)
Cid: "Soon, she was lay beneath him, her hands wrapped in his as their lips met in an electrifying kiss…" Who writes this crap? Fascinating material in parts though…
(Finally, some people are awake, but Cid is still reading, though more to himself now)
Cid: (giggling naughtily between words) "Man-pole"… Totally unscientific… "Heaving… Passionate… Slightly sticky…"
(Everyone is now awake, but Cid is still reading to himself, giggling like an idiot)
Phi: (appears) Dr Cid!
Cid: Phi!
Aki: Dr Cid!
Cid: Aki!
Dr Frank N Furter: (appearing from nowhere) Dougy!!
Hein: What?! (scowls) Why are you picking on me this time?
Phi: Dr Cid!
Cid: Phi!
Aki: Dr Cid!
Cid: Aki!
Frank: Dougy!
(Hein rolls his eyes)
Phi: Dr Cid!
Cid: Phi!
Aki: Dr Cid!
Cid: Aki!
Frank: Dougy!
(This all goes on for a while, until the author gets tired of the blatant reference, and decides to continue)
Phi: I can't believe you were reading such drivel in one of my fics!
Cid: Everyone was asleep!
Phi: (grabs the book) Ever heard of an alarm clock?!
Cid: Aki broke mine this morning. She just borrowed it cause hers wasn't working properly, and she smashed it to pieces with a hammer!
Phi: (ignores him, shakes her head and mutters) Scientist my ass… (to Hein as she holds out the book) Dispose of this.
Hein: (doesn't move) Do I look like your slave?
Phi: (evilly) Not yet, but it can be arranged…
Hein: (pales more so than usual and snatches the book) Fine… (hands the book to Major Elliot) Dispose of this.
(Elliot nods, takes the book and makes like he's going to throw it away. Instead, he hides it inside his tunic and giggles. He then turns to the camera and grins ever so eagerly)
Elliot: Hi! I'm Major Elliot! I don't get much screen time, and I don't get that many lines either, but the author's feeling sorry for me and let me have this intro thingy!
Hein: (dangerously) Elliot?
Elliot: (eager) Yes, sir?
Hein: Shut up.
Phi: Now then, maybe we can all get back to the story? (disappears)
Aki: I thought being on track with the story was her job…
Counciller #1: (shakes head at the intrusion of the author, and gestures to Cid) Please, doctor. If you would explain your method?
(Cid nods and pushes a button on the panel before him. A holographic picture appears, showing two wave patterns)
Cid: As you know, the Phantoms give off a distinct energy pattern. It is a fact that two opposing bioetheric waves, when placed one over the other, will cancel each other out…
(He looks up, and scowls. No-one is paying attention. All the Council members are playing poker; Aki is building a house out of cards; Elliot is reading his newly acquired book and Hein is making a list of everyone he's going to blow up once he gets his hands on Zeus. Cid watches them all for a moment, slowly turning a disturbing shade of purple…)
Cid: HEY!
(Everyone turns to stare blankly at him)
Cid: What the %&*£ing $?@# are you all doing?!
Aki: (gasps) Uh-oh… Everyone stand back. He's having a COCA…
Hein: What in hell is a "COCA"?
Aki: (gravely) A CrossOver Cid Attack…
(The dramatic music reappears as everyone gasps, causing Aki to look under her chair)
Aki: It's got to be following me somehow…
Cid: I £$%@ing slave away to get you all some @#&%^ing help, and you all repay me by £$%?#ing $%&* and…
(His voice changes pitch slightly, to a higher, more frantic tone)
Cid: … by blowing up my lab! Those espers are hard to catch and take care of! Why can't you see that…
(His voice changes again, so that he's almost sobbing)
Cid: … I can't do it anymore! If I have to chase after Edea one more time, then I might just have a nervous breakdown! I don't want to tell the SeeD to…
(Voice changes to something unhuman)
Cid: … gwok!
(Finally, his voice reverts to its normal pitch)
Cid: … shove that seventh Spirit up your ass!!
(Cid hyperventilates. Everyone else sits in shocked, stunned silence)
Hein: (dryly) Finished?
(He flinches as the author thwaps him upside the head)
Cid: (as if nothing has happened) It is theoretically possible to construct a wave that opposes the energy pattern given off by the Phantoms. In fact, we almost have one, but it won't be ready until we risk our lives several more times, have a romantic interlude and discover that Hein actually is as psychotic as we all believe.
Hein: What? Hey!
Phi: (V.O.) Quiet, you.
(Hein folds his arms across his chest and begins to sulk. Then, he remembers that he actually has lines here, and can't just look mean and broody)
Hein: Doctor, gathering plants and animals to fight the Phantoms, is utter nonsense. I mean, we might as well give them little baskets full of cupcakes. Why don't we invite them to tea and give them pretty hats and tasty biscuits? And then, when no-one's watching, we bash them repeatedly over the head with the shovel that we already dug their graves with!! That'll teach them to be murdering, parasitic bastards!!!
(He looks up to see everyone staring at him funny. His eyes narrow)
Hein: Bunch of touchy-feely nonsense. You don't even have any evidence that this "energy wave" will even work. (under his breath) Idiots…
Aki: There is proof! We have constructed a wave that has stopped Phantom particles from spreading through a really ill patient.
Counciller #2: What? You actually managed to do something useful and found a cure?!
Aki: Well… Not as such. But we do have evidence that our wave works.
Hein: (sneering) Yeah, really. Where? Under your chair? With that string section that's been following you the whole movie? Maybe it's hidden in that lollipop!
Aki: Nu-uh. It's here, in this chest plate that no-one realised I had.
(Our heroine pushes a button on said chest plate, and a huge hologram appears, floating over everyone's head. Hein gapes at it, stepping backwards and falling over Elliot, who had decided to read his book while sat on the floor)
Hein: ELLIOT!
Elliot: (small voice) Sorry, sir…
(Hein – and everyone else – looks back up at the Phantom hologram. The Phantom grins and waves to everyone)
Phantom: I may be a parasite, but can't we all just get along?
(Judging by the look on everyone faces, no)
Cid: You're a $%&*ing idiot, y'know that? You might have bought us time, but I wonder at what cost…
Aki: (shrugging) Hein's probably gonna try to kill us…
Hein: Hey!
Aki: Tell me it's not true.
Hein: ….
(INT: I'm not really sure. Lets just say we're at still in New New York. Yeah…
Gray and Aki are in what looks like some kind of crane. Aki is fiddling with some pieces of machinery like she actually knows what it does, and Gray is watching her – trying not to make it blatently obvious that he's staring at her butt)
Aki: Are you gonna stare at me like that all day, or are you gonna tell me why you're here?
Gray: Huh? Oh, sorry. (smiles innocently. The fangirls in the audience swoon and faint)
Fan girls in audience: He's soooo handsome!
Aki: All style, girls. No substance.
Gray: (trying to ignore Aki's comment) You know the Council decided to postpone the firing of Zeus.
Aki: I bet Hein was pleased about that.
Gray: Pleased?! Hell no. He screamed something about "Death to you all" and disappeared. Anyway… (tries to look cute, prompting more swooning from the fan girls) Whatcha doooing?
Aki: (rolls her eyes as if she's had to deal with this before) I'm scanning the city for the seventh spirit. And before you ask, you can't tag along.
(We cut to the outside of the crane. Neil – wearing a balaclava over his head and trying to look inconspicuous – is fiddling with a control panel. Jane is watching for guards, and almost shoots Ryan as he arrives)
Ryan: What're you doing, Neil?
Neil: Sssh! I'm trying to concentrate! And I'm not Neil!
Jane: Yeah. We don't wanna get caught as we strand the Captain and that scientist lady for a while. So I'm Black Hawk, and he's Purple Daisy.
(Ryan raises an eyebrow)
Neil: That's what happens when you let the girl pick the names.
Jane: C'mon, are you done yet?
Ryan: (thoughtfully) Do you have to strand them? Can't you just let them plummet to a painless death?
(Jane and Neil both stare at him)
Jane: Shut up.
Neil: Alright, it's done!
(Back up to Aki and Gray. The crane they're in stops suddenly, prompting a squeal of fear from Gray)
Gray: It stopped! Are we...? Are we gonna fall? I-I'm too young and pretty to die!! (grabs Aki) Help me! I don't want to be crushed into a pulp!
Aki: (unamused) It's just a glitch. Get off me, you poor excuse for a man… Don't make me even madder at you…
Gray: You're mad at me?
Aki: Well, that whole nonsense about me getting raped by a cactus, and you not taking off your helmet. You're a child, Gray! You're a seventy five year old child!
(Gray gasps. In the audience, a fan girl faints)
Gray: You told!! You promised you wouldn't tell!
(More fan girls faint)
Gray: And besides, you're not so adult yourself! Leaving so suddenly without even saying goodbye! You took the keys to our house! I was stuck outside for THREE DAYS until Jane came and rescued me!
Aki: Well, you know why I disappeared so suddenly. My operation had to be done in zero grav, so I was taken to the Zeus station.
Gray: Wha'? But I was posted there.
(Aki is trying to look innocent)
Gray: You knew?! And you didn't try to see me?
Aki: Well, duh! I was probably collecting spirit waves and trying to save the planet…
Gray: Screw the planet! What about me and my needs?!
Aki: Well, I'm sorry!
Gray: I'm sorry too!
Aki: Well, we're both sorry, so just shut up now!
(They both turn away from each other, sulking. There is a dark silence between them for at least half a minute)
Gray: (muttering) I'm more sorry than you are…
Aki: Just… do something useful or shut up!
Gray: (sighs) So… You gonna tell me about them?
Aki: About what?
Gray: (sarcastic) About the wild flings of passion between you and that Dr Cid guy.
(He is too busy ranting to notice Aki's wild blush)
Gray: About the spirit waves.
Aki: Oh, the waves. Uhm, sure… Well, when I was infected by Jerry…
Gray: Jerry?
Aki: My Phantom… Well, Dr Cid put a membrane around the infection to stop it spreading. So, I became spirit number one. The second was a blonde chibi called Tidus that we found in an old dustbin.
Gray: Blonde… chibi called Tidus?
Aki: The third was a chibi with really long hair called Tifa I found hanging around in a bar mixing drinks for the patrons. The fourth was a hyperactive child-like chibi called Zidane. Ever tried to track a hyperactive chibi from space? What am I saying, you'd probably love that…
Gray: You're right, I probably would. But life is not fair, and that's why I'm not you!
Aki: Riiight… But then, there was the blonde chibi we picked up from Old New York.
Gray: (counting on his fingers) Did you uh… miss one?
Aki: What?
Gray: You only said five, and there are six, right?
Aki: Oh yeah…
Gray: Whoo! I'm smarter than yooooou! (dances around until Aki punches him)
Aki: The fifth one… Boy, that was a real pain in the ass. It was a chibi moogle I found trying to sneak into the women's bathroom a month or so back. For something so small, and furry, and well…
Gray: (helpfully) Cute? Like me?
Aki: (raises an eyebrow) Yeah. Like you. That moogle sure had a severe case of perverse behaviour… We had to put it down, return it to the Square, before it could hurt someone… It was so sad… (wipes a tear from her eye)
Gray: (hasn't been listening, but suddenly jolts to attention as Phi appears and kicks him) What? Oh, yeah. I'm sorry for you and your loss, Aki…
Aki: Liar. Face it, you don't believe in the Square, and you'd rather be plundering the cafeteria than talking here with me.
Gray: (waggles eyebrows suggestively) Well, we don't have to talk… We could kinda pick up where we left off when you left for Zeus…
(He doesn't get much further with that as Aki shakes her head and stabs a needle into his neck)
Aki: Be quiet and go to sleep…
Gray: Ooooooooooooow… (falls over)
Aki: The joys of being a scientist… Work with machinery, get to travel, have exclusive access to the medical cabinets…
(INT: Hein's office
We close up on Hein as he looks out of his window. Elliot and Gray are also there, both wondering how long this is going to take so they can go and get lunch)
Elliot: Captain Edwards. You rescued a Dr Ross from Old New York a few days ago, did you not?
(Gray nods eagerly, but Elliot isn't finished)
Elliot: Might I add, you also almost killed yourself three times, and pretty much made an idiot of yourself?
(Gray remains silent for a moment)
Gray: We did rescue the Doctor. And we found a McDonalds just outside the base.
(Elliot raises an eyebrow for a moment. Hein, meanwhile, is making a note of where this new McDonalds is)
Elliot: And what were your impressions of the Doctor.
Gray: Well, she was pretty mean, and she was damned obsessed with that sample she had. But her butt, mmm-mmm… I could sit and stare at her butt all day, y'know?
Hein: I hear ya there…
Elliot: Oh yeah…
(All three of them grin stupidly)
Elliot: Well, you and the Shallow Teeth are going to keep on looking after her until you all get tragically kil… I mean, until she's finished finding all her samples…
Gray: Whoo-hoo! More time to try and score with her! (sees the look Elliot is giving him) I mean; yes, sir!
Hein: I don't think you understand just yet, you monkey of a soldier you. Report any weird behaviour in Doctor Ross to the Major immediately.
(Hein turns around, and we see that he's got some very weird stripes along his face. It appears that standing at that window for so long, with the blinds partially down, has given him a rather strange tan. Gray and Elliot struggle to hold in their laughter)
Gray: Weird behaviour, sir? She's always weird. This one time, back when we were going out, she asked me to tie her up…
Hein: Edwards, shut up for one second. Didn't you see anything in the Council meeting? She's got a Phantom inside her! Who knows what kind of freaky nonsense it'll have her doing. She could be under their control, Captain. She could be offering us up to them at this very moment!!
Phi: (V.O.) Lose the melodrama, Dougy. Doesn't suit you.
Gray: Is the General suggesting that the Doctor is a spy?
Hein: The General is wondering why he is explaining himself to the Captain… (looks over at Elliot) And why the Major hasn't thrown away that damned book yet!
Elliot: The uh, Major was bored, sir… (tosses the book over his shoulder)
Hein: Well, now that this is all sorted out, the General wants a coffee… The Major and the Captain are dismissed…
Phi: (appearing from nowhere) The author thinks the readers will be sick and tired of all this "The General" nonsense. And get the author some coffee while you're at it!
(The scene cuts to Aki's dream again. She is still watching the bright sunshine, shielding her eyes from its painful rays. This time though, she can see something approaching, like a great, multi-coloured tidal wave. She raises an eyebrow as the wave continues ever closer. She can see that's made up of a whole zoo full of mysterious creatures, animals and people who don't look very happy)
Aki: What the hexymethadipamide?
(The wave continues until it surrounds her – the creatures scream and cackle and make bad jokes as they run around her. Aki chances a look up, but – not to her total surprise – she wakes up)
Aki: (V.O.) I'm convinced these dreams are some form of communication. Well, it's that, or I'm going crazy. Either way, it can mean only one thing… I need to up my medication…
(There is a sound like a shuffling of pieces of paper and urgent whispering)
Aki: (V.O.) I, uh, mean. It can only mean one thing. The Phantom inside me is winning…
(The dramatic music builds up into a crescendo)
Aki: (V.O.) Ack! Can you get restraining orders on dramatic music?