Author note: Hurrah! An update! Now we move all the way along to the taking down of the barrier. I may actually have this whole thing finished before I have to go back to uni, so here's hoping!
I apologise to Hein fans for the severe bashing he's getting in this. Though he is my favourite character in the movie, he's just so easy to bash to death! I do love him really. I promise! Though I don't apologise to Gray fans. Muah hah! Plus this seems to be getting a bit self-inserty. I know that really bugs some people, but it kinda seems appropriate at the moment. So, sorry.
Again, I don't own any of the characters, though Hein appears to have taken the position of secondary muse at the moment. I also don't own anything else that I might have ripped off in this (including MGS2, American baseball, Galaxyquest, Return of the Jedi or Thriller) So, I'm sorry. Please don't sue, as my money situation is just stupid at the moment. I have a grand total of about £2 to my name! Being poor kinda blows…
Well, reviews are good. If you give me a review, then there should be a pile of cookies waiting for you. If you don't give me a review, then I may have to poke you in the eye. With a rusty spoon. Bwa hah!
Enjoy!
(INT: The ship as it flies over the Tucson Wasteland
Aki and the Shallow Teeth are sat on one side of the personnel bay in the ship, and three fully armoured soldiers are sat on the other side. Everyone is eyeing everyone else suspiciously. Well, everyone except Gray, who is staring at Aki with a dreamy expression on his face)
Jane: Our target is fifty clicks west of Tucson.
Aki: What kind of a unit of measurement is a "click"? I mean, talk about unscientific.
(Jane shoots Aki a death glare)
Gray: (stops staring) How does the Phantom concentration look?
Jane: Well, if lots of them is good, then it's pretty damned excellent. (eyes the scanner suspiciously) I think they're playing baseball down there…
(We CUT to EXT of the Tucson Wasteland, where a Phantom stadium has been erected. Thousands of Phantoms are sat cheering on the two teams – The Phantom Cardinals and the Phantom Mets. A giant Phantom score screen shows that the Mets are kicking butt)
(Back to the ship, where Jane is blinking)
Jane: I think I need my eyes tested. Or a CAT scan. (blinks some more)
Gray: (waggling his eyebrows suggestively at Aki) Well, you'll have to stick close to me. I'll be able to rescue you if you get into any trouble…
Aki: (dryly) And I'm sure I'll be able to save you if you get into any trouble.
Ryan: Knowing him, he probably will.
Jane: Too true.
Gray: Hey!
Jane: Deny it if you dare.
(Gray remains silent)
Jane: We'll drop energy buoys here, here and here. It should be enough to keep them off our backs while we search for your little plant or cutesie animal or whatever the hell it is.
Aki: The buoys will attract the Phantoms?
Ryan: (sarcastic) No. We're dropping them cause we've got too much weight on board, and it's either the buoys or you.
Jane: I'd rather keep the buoys…
Aki: Only cause you can't get a date with anything else…
Neil: (from the cockpit) Hey. If you ladies are going to fight, wouldya wait til I'm not flying? Cause this I gotta see.
Ryan: (to the three fully armoured cannon fodder guys) So, you guys are from the 307s, right? Under General Hein? Man, I hope you're not as psychotic as he is. I mean, c'mon. Give the guy a chance and he'd probably kill off mankind.
Cannon Fodder #1: ….
(The three cannon fodder guys are watching Aki. Little does she know that they've got their X-ray specs on under their helmets)
All three: Heh heh heh…
(We move to the EXT of the ship as it lands. Aki, the Shallow Teeth and the three cannon fodder guys all disembark, leaving Neil to pilot)
Neil: I'll come get you later. But I have to fly to Denver and pick up some stuff first.
Jane: Oh, you had better be kidding.
Gray: Just be quiet and come on.
Aki: (is watching the Phantom plain from atop a ridge) Woah… All the pretty colours…
(We see the plain from Aki's POV. Though from a distance the plain looks clear and free of anything, up close you can see a cacophony - )
Gray: Cacophony? The hell does that mean?
Phi: Hey, do you want to write this? I mean, it's easy enough to make things funny, but I have to keep the readers interested, don't I?
Gray: They've got me, don't they? I'm interesting enough. (grins smugly)
(Phi growls and leaps for Gray, only to be held back by Jane)
Jane: Strangling him wouldn't make anything any better, would it?
Phi: It'd make me feel better!
Gray: (sticks his tongue out at Phi) Nyah! You can't hurt me!
Phi: Oh… We shall see about that… (cackles evilly and disappears)
Aki: What were we doing again?
(The soldiers and Aki stand there for a moment, pondering what their purpose is)
Phi: (V.O.) You were looking at the Phantoms, remember?
Aki: Oh yeah. (turns to look back at the plain)
(Now, as I was saying. Up close you could see a multitude of colours and shapes all shimmering in the bright sunlight. In the far off distance we can just make out the Phantom baseball game. The Mets are still winning, much to the chagrin of the Cardinals fans. Gray joins Aki and stares stupidly out at the plain. We can see the buoys that have been dropped attracting the Phantoms, as a light would do moths)
Phantom #3: (staring at the buoy) It's so pretty…
Phantom #4: No, Larry! Don't do it! Don't look into the light!!
Phantom #3: (being drawn towards the light) I can't help it… It's so beautiful…
Gray: Looks like the beacons are working.
Aki: I'm amazed. Something you suggested actually went right.
(Gray grins smugly for a moment, then realises that what Aki said was an insult and frowns. He turns, ready to complain, but Aki and the others have already moved off)
Aki: The spirit should be somewhere beyond that ridge.
Ryan: You said that three ridges back!
(Everyone turns to stare at him)
Ryan: What? I couldn't help it.
(They all shake their heads and continue, stopping only when a huge lump of bird poop lands on Gray's head)
Gray: What the…? EW!
Phi: (V.O.) Heh heh heh…
Ryan: What is that? (looking upwards)
Jane: (sarcastic) It's a flying whale. (under breath) Idiot…
Gray: It's a bird.
Ryan: Is it a plane?
Aki: We are not getting dragged into that.
Gray: (cocking his gun) Tell me it's not our spirit, so I can shoot it for crapping on me.
Aki: It's not our spirit, but you can't shoot it.
Gray: What? Why not?
Aki: Your hand-eye co-ordination isn't that good.
(Everyone snickers and moves on, leaving Gray to mutter angry curses at the bird. The bird responds by crapping on Gray's head again)
Gray: Stupid bird!
(The party have now come to the edge of a high plateau. Down below, they can see the remains of what would appear to be a massacre. Soldiers lie rotting and decomposed, splayed out all over the - )
Gray: (frowning) That's not very nice. What about kids who are reading this?
Phi: (V.O.) ….
(The group continue, with Aki in the front following the bleeps from her wrist device thingy)
Ryan: How far to the spirit?
Aki: It's hard to tell… (squints at her wrist thingy)
Jane: You haven't got that thing on backwards, have you?
Aki: No. The surface of the planet appears to be backwards, is all…
(Everyone groans. Aki grins evilly)
Aki: I'm just kidding you. It's over there.
Ryan: (sombre all of a sudden) This was the Phantom cleansing mission. It was supposed to end the war. My father's in here somewhere.
Jane: Well, lookit at Mr Angst.
Ryan: Shut up. Just cause you don't have a real reason for joining up.
Jane: Sure I do.
Aki: You mean you were too ugly for prison?
Jane: (eyes narrow, looks up at the sky) Hey, author person. Little help down here would be nice.
Phi: Deal with it, missy. I've already got one troublesome character. I don't need another.
Gray: Who's troublesome?
(He grins charmingly. Fan girls in the audience faint)
Fan girls: So dreamy!
Jane: Where is this damned spirit then?
(Aki is following the beeps on her wrist device thingy, and is stood looking down at the body of a soldier)
Gray: Don't tell me it's him.
Aki: (frowning) It isn't.
Ryan: Then what's going on?
Aki: It's his ovapack.
Gray: That's impossible.
Jane: Why?
Gray: Uhhh… Because I er…
Aki: Gotta love your intelligence, eh, Gray.
Gray: Oh, be quiet. Ryan, get his ovapack.
(Ryan rolls his eyes and reaches down to grab the pack from the soldier. Unfortunately for him – and for anyone with a weak heart in the audience – the corpse of the soldier sits up)
Corpse: (singing) Cause this is Thriiiilller! Thriiiiiller Night…
Ryan: Sonofaholybitch!
Corpse: What the? Oops. Wrong place. I was supposed to wake up for the Thriller video in the DVD. My mistake.
(The corpse lies down again, leaving the party to stare at it incredulously. Ryan is having a nervous breakdown, and matters are not helped when Neil radios in)
Neil: Hey, uh. I'm looking at my radar thing here and there's a whole bunch of red thingys heading towards a couple of green thingys.
Gray: What?!
Neil: I, uh think that we're the green thingys… And the uh, red thingys are Phantoms, maybe? But there's like a whole bunch of 'em and they're moving pretty damned fast.
Cannon fodder #2: Shouldn't we get out of here? I mean, not to complain or anything, but I haven't even been given a real name, and as such I'm a little worried about my chances of survivi –
(He is cut off as the biggest, meanest Phantom you ever saw creeps up behind him and rips his soul/spirit/whatever that blue thing is out of his chest. The other cannon fodder soldiers sweatdrop)
Cannon fodder #3: I think we should get out of here.
Cannon fodder #1: Same here.
Gray: Hey! I'm in command, so I get to say when we leave. Ryan, get that ovapack.
Ryan: (shakes head) I ain't going near that thing again.
Gray: (rolls eyes) Aie. Alright, Ryan, you take the lead. Jane, you get the ovapack. You two hang in the back to provide a distraction for us. Aki, you leap into my arms dramatically and let me save you.
(Aki has already started running)
Aki: In your dreams!
Gray: Ah, damn.
(Jane and Ryan are shooting the hell out of the oncoming Phantoms, while the two cannon fodder soldiers run ever so bravely in the direction of the ship. Aki is also sprinting towards the ship, with Gray "covering" her)
Aki: Hey, forget what I said about that idea of yours.
Gray: What idea?
Aki: The buoys. They aren't working.
Gray: (sarcastic) Well, thanks ever so much for pointing that out. And here I was thinking that the Phantoms had come to ask for a cup of flour.
(Aki is about to retort, but there is a sudden pain in her chest, and she staggers to the ground)
Gray: (stands there for a moment, looking panicky) I didn't even touch her! I even have my safety on my gun! Don't I? Hey, Aki. Aki. C'mon! Q-Quit playin' around, huh? I… (a single tear wells in one eye) Nooooooooooo! Hey, is that blood? (faints)
(Jane and Ryan have caught up with Gray and Aki)
Jane: (sarcastic) Oh, no. What a shame. She died. Oh well. C'mon, Cap' let's get out of here.
Ryan: Lets put him out of his misery…
(Jane stares at him)
Ryan: What? He's obviously not going to have the mental capacity to deal with her death.
Aki: (from the floor) I'm not dead, you idiots.
Jane: Damn…
(She grabs Gray around the waist and hauls him into a carrying position. Ryan does the same with Aki, and they begin to sprint towards the ship. Once inside, they throw the two invalids on a bed)
Jane: (shouting) Neil, get us the hell out of here.
Ryan: Hey! Who made you boss?
Jane: You wanna argue, or do you want to live to see tomorrow?
Neil: Oh, man. That time of the month, eh?
Jane: (enraged) NEIL!
Neil: Alright, already! Out we go!
(The ship begins to move away from the deadly Phantoms that are following. Unfortunately for the characters, the ship appears to be stuck in the midst of a maze full of wreckage. Neil begins to deftly manoeuvre the ship through the maze, neatly avoiding the several thousand Phantoms that appear to be following. In the back of the ship, Gray has finally woken up)
Gray: What's going on…? Aki… Is she alright?
Jane: Well, she's not talking anymore, which is an improvement in my books.
Cannon fodder #1: You know what you have to do, Captain.
Gray: What? Hey, are you guys still alive? Wow. You survived this far, and it's almost the end of your screen time.
Cannon fodder #1: (ignoring Gray) Dr Ross should be taken into custody right now.
Jane: Custody? This gets even better!
Gray: She won't be going into custody, soldier.
Cannon fodder #1: Then I have no choice but to relieve you of your command.
(The two cannon fodder soldiers pull out their guns and aim at Gray. Ryan grins evilly, and points his gun at Gray as well)
Jane: Sarge?
Ryan: What? Oh, sorry.
Gray: Put the guns down. You'll have someone's eye out with those things.
Neil: (from the cockpit) Y'know, I just remembered I never passed my driving test for one of these things…
(The ship swerves to the side, causing everyone to fall over. Gray hits the floor hard and just as he is about to get up…)
Gray: OW!
(… A big ass box falls on his head)
Phi: That should teach you to mouth off.
Gray: (rubbing his head) Owww… (under breath) Bitch…
Phi: I heard that!
(Just as Gray is about to get up again, another bigger and heavier box falls on his head)
Cannon fodder #1: Now, Captain. Take Dr Ross into custody or I'm gonna have to shoot you.
Ryan: You know, you shouldn't let Aki get taken away… (to Cannon Fodder #1) Shoot him in the head. Clean and simple.
Neil: (from cockpit) Woah! Hard to starboard, guys!
(The Shallow Teeth all lunge to the starboard side as the ship swings to the side again. Cannon fodder #1 manages to get out of the way, but loses his gun in the process. Cannon fodder #2 isn't quick enough, and is caught by a Phantom tendril that passes through the entire port side of the ship. Bye, bye, soul/spirit)
Cannon fodder #1: Ah, crap! (grabs another gun from his armour and shoots blindly. The bullet almost hits Gray, but misses and hits Aki in the chest instead. A dramatic crash of music echoes through the ship)
Aki: (wakes up for a moment) Not that damned music again! (faints)
Jane: That is IT! I wanted to shoot her, damnit!
(She advances on cannon fodder #1 and deftly kicks the crap out of him. Ryan and Gray look on, stunned)
Ryan: Remind me never to kill someone you want to kill.
Jane: Sarge?
Ryan: Yeah?
Jane: Don't kill someone I want to.
Ryan: Gotcha.
(Gray rolls his eyes)
Gray: I'm surrounded by idiots.
Jane: Surrounded? You are an idiot.
(The others snicker)
(We cut to the INT of Hein's office. The General is sat at his desk, playing on his Playstation 2. Major Elliot walks in, looking tense and uneasy)
Elliot: Uh… Sir?
Hein: Not now, Major. I'm considering a very difficult tactical move here.
Elliot: Huh?
Hein: I'm playing Metal Gear 2 and I'm stuck. (mutters) Stupid clones…
Elliot: Oh. Well, uh. The Shallow Teeth have returned from the Tucson wasteland, sir.
Hein: (not paying attention to Elliot) Well, have them shot for such insubordination.
Elliot: What?
Hein: (shouting at the Playstation) Ah, come on, you stupid game!
Elliot: (an evil glint appears in one eye) Hey, you know I found that secret stash of stuff you keep in your drawer. You know, the drawer with all the padlocks on and the poison and the booby traps?
Hein: (still not paying attention) That's nice. I'm sure you'll have a wonderful life together.
Elliot: Wait til the Council hears the dirt I have on you.
Hein: (sticking his tongue out in concentration) Get me one with sprinkles on top.
Elliot: (grinning evilly) You know I have a copy of that list of all the stuff you were going to –
(The Major does not notice as the "Game Over" screen flashes on the TV, causing Hein to throw his controller across the room in a fit of rage. The General then looks up at Elliot, paying attention to every word he's saying)
Elliot: (oblivious) – blow up once you had your hands on Zeus. I'm sure the Council won't like…
(He trails off as he sees that Hein is glaring at him)
Elliot: I, uh, mean. There was an incident concerning the Shallow Teeth, sir. The Phantoms were attracted to Dr Ross.
Hein: Well, who wouldn't be? (sighs dreamily) Not that I, uh, I mean. (coughs nervously)
Elliot: Uh… huh… Well, Captain Edwards is still in command, sir.
Hein: (turning back to stare out of his favourite window) Hhhm… Issue an order… I want Edwards and Dr Ross placed under arrest, and all Dr Cids research to be confiscated immediately…
Elliot: Can you actually do that?
Hein: I don't have to. That's why I have people like you around.
Elliot: Ah. Should we have them all locked up in the brig?
Hein: No. Bring Dr Ross to me. We'll dress her up in that slave girl outfit you were wearing at the last Christmas office party. No doubt she'll look better in it.
(Elliot looks hurt)
Elliot: You said it brought out my eyes…
(Hein ignores him)
Hein: The others can await their doom until tomorrow, when we'll take them out to the nest of the Sarlaak! Then they will learn a new meaning to pain and suffering as they are slowly digested over a thousand years! Wah hah hah hah!!!
(Hein continues to laugh maniacally, until he realises that Elliot is staring at him oddly)
Hein: What?
Elliot: You've been watching "Return of the Jedi" again, haven't you?
Hein: Maybe…
(Elliot rolls his eyes and turns around to leave the office)
Elliot: They don't pay me nearly enough for this…
(We now move to the INT of one of the medical bays. Gray is watching gravely as Cid examines the unconscious Aki)
Gray: How does she look, doctor?
Cid: Well, she has these things in her head called, eyes, Captain. Light from outside is taken in and…
(He trails off as he sees Gray glaring at him)
Cid: Oh, you mean. Ah. Well, it's not good. Jerry has tried to break out again. Last time he did this we almost lost her…
Gray: Is there anything I can do?
Cid: Hhhm… Normally I don't agree on human sacrifice in medicine, but in this case I may be willing to make an exception…
Gray: Seriously, Doc.
Cid: (evilly) Who said I wasn't being serious?
(Gray's eyes widen and he takes a big step away)
Cid: Well, she's fighting with only six of the eight spirits. We'll have to implant the seventh directly into her chest plate.
Gray: But she got shot. Will it be ok?
Cid: Well, we might have to fix it.
Gray: How, Doc?
Cid: Must I explain everything to you?
Gray: Uhh…
Cid: Don't answer that. Now, what I want you to do, is to be Aki's spiritual support.
Gray: Is that like some kind of bra?
(Cid slaps himself in the forehead)
Cid: Look, do you want to save her or not?
Gray: Well, sure I do!
Cid: Then lie down and shut up. (under breath) Why can't she go for the smart ones? No, she always has to fall for the stupid but pretty ones…
Gray: Hey, Doc. This won't involve needles, will it?
(An evil glint appears in Cid's eye)
Cid: Not usually, but as this is a special circumstance…
(The scientist turns and holds up a huge, mean needle. Gray takes one look at it and faints)
Cid: Heh heh heh…
(Gray opens his eyes, and finds himself in a strange-looking place. He stands up and looks around)
Gray: Hey, where am I? Aki? Cid? Anyone?
Voice: Hey, keep it down. Some of us are trying to be moody over here.
(Gray turns to see a teenage boy walking away into the distance. The boy is wearing a black jacket with a weird white fur collar, and his holding a weapon that looks like a cross between a sword and a gun. Gray raises his eyebrow)
Gray: Alllriiight… C'mon. Not funny anymore!
(Everything is quiet and still)
Gray: Where the hell am I?!
Aki: Great to see how well you cope under pressure.
(Gray spins around to see Aki sniggering at him. He points at her accusingly and scowls)
Gray: Now just look here… Where are we?
Aki: Alien planet.
Gray: Wha'? How'd that happen?
Aki: We're in a dream, stupid. The alien planet is part of the dream. We're not actually on an alien planet.
(Gray is silent for a moment. His faces is scrunched up with the effort of thinking it through)
Gray: We're what?
Aki: (rolls eyes) Forget it.
Gray: Well, whatever it is, you look pretty calm.
Aki: I've been having this dream for ages.
Gray: Dream?
Aki: Keep up with the conversation, Gray… (frowns) Wow, you really are here, aren't you? What's going on?
Gray: Cid's implanting the seventh spirit into your chest plate.
Aki: Which means you're my spiritual support. (sarcastic) Well, I should be just fine with you here to protect me, huh?
Gray: (oblivious to the sarcasm) Yup!
(We move to Hein, who is in Cid's lab. He is holding the sixth spirit by its hair, and is eyeing it suspiciously)
Hein: This is what they're wasting taxpayers money on?
Sixth spirit: ….
Hein: Ooh, aren't we talkative?
Sixth spirit: ….
Hein: Nice to see they gave you stupid hair.
(The sixth spirit snarls and pokes Hein in the eye with its sword, causing Hein to drop it)
Hein: OW! Why, you little…
Elliot: Sir?
Hein: I'm busy, Major! (searches for the sixth spirit, which is now dancing around him and stabbing his ankles every so often)
Elliot: You might want to see this, sir.
Hein: I might want to see this little devil in midget's clothing on a stick outside my office.
(The General realises that the sixth spirit has disappeared under a table, and scowls as he walks to see what Elliot is whining about. Elliot pushes a button and a tape of fuzz begins to play)
Hein: And I am watching… what?
Elliot: Dr Ross has been recording her dreams, sir.
Hein: And that matters, because? Unless I'm in them, I don't ca…
(He trails off as the fuzz clears and gives us our first clear shot of a Phantom from Akis dream. It's a tall, purple monster with sharp-looking claws and teeth. It sneers at the camera. Hein raises an eyebrow)
Hein: Woah. (grins evilly) This is it. This is our evidence. I knew she was a spy for them, I just knew it! And now the Council will let me have Zeus and I can make everything go "boom"… Hee hee hee!
(Elliot raises an eyebrow as Hein starts to giggle inanely, occasionally muttering something indecipherable under his breath)
Elliot: Well, this should be more than enough to convince the Council to allow the firing of Zeus. I'm not sure if I should be worried about that or not.
Hein: The Council? Hah. This goes much further than the Council. They're willing to sit back and cower behind their wimpy little barriers while we – the soldiers – do the dying!
Elliot: You haven't ventured outside the barrier in years!
Hein: That's irrelevant. We're going to teach the Council a lesson. Major! Gather a group of your most trusted men. Ones who don't mind committing random acts of violence or causing the death of millions.
Elliot: I dread to think what you're going to do this time… (reaches into his tunic and pulls out his trusty book, trying to use it to ignore Hein as he begins to giggle insanely to himself again)
Hein: Things go boom!
(Back to Aki's dream
Gray and Aki watch as a tidal wave of colour appears on the horizon…)
Gray: Your metaphors really do suck, don't they?
Phi: Will you shut up? Obviously the box on the head didn't do the trick. I'm going to have to resort to desperate measures… (cackles evilly)
(The tidal wave grows and grows until it is obvious that we are watching a swarm of creatures sprinting towards us. Aki turns and sees another crowd of the same kind of creatures closing in as well. The two humans are surrounded, and are forced to cower in fear as the two groups of creatures collide. We're in the middle of a war, with the creatures all kicking the crap out of each other. And then, everything stops. Aki is the first one to open her eyes and see that the creatures are just stood, watching her and Gray)
Aki: Look…
Gray: (hugging Aki as if his life depends on it, still with his eyes closed) Dun wanna look! Scary monsters!
Aki: (unamused) And you call yourself a man?
(Gray opens his eyes gingerly, and gasps at what he sees)
Gray: W-Why are they staring at us?
Aki: Your flies are open.
Gray: (looks down to see Aki is lying) What? Hey!
Aki: Heh heh.
Gray: (looking back at the monsters) What's going on?
(An explosion erupts in the distance and all the creatures turn to look at it. More explosions occur, rocking the small planet. The creatures are quickly decimated by the explosions, and then, the planet blows up)
FF Fans in the audience: Whoo!
Everyone else: Wow. Pretty explosion. Does this happen in the games?
FF Fans: If it did, then we wouldn't have much of a game, would we?
Everyone else: ….
(Gray opens his eyes again to find that he is back in the real world)
Gray: Woah…
Cid: Welcome back, Captain. How do you feel?
Gray: You ever had one of those dreams where you're not sure if what you're seeing is real?
Cid: Nope.
Gray: Oh.
(Gray looks over to where Aki is still sleeping)
Gray: Is it over? Is she alright?
Cid: Well, she's still alive, which is always a plus. But we need the eighth and final spirit to cure her.
Gray: Wow. I bet that means we'll have to get into some kind of deadly situation before we find it in the nick of time and save the world?
Cid: Probably.
(Aki stirs, opening her eyes slowly)
Gray: Aki. Are you alright?
Aki: (dryly) I've been infected by a parasite, I'm dying and I have you hanging onto me like a bad smell. What could be better?
Cid: (smirking) I knew it'd take more than a Phantom to stop you being the sarcastic little minx you are.
Aki: I know what they are now… I finished my dream, and now I know what it means…
Cid: What?
Aki: We're kinda screwed.
(Suddenly, a group of armoured soldiers burst into the med bay, brandishing their weapons like they have nothing else in life)
Soldier #1: What? We don't have anything else in life. We're extras who exist purely to be killed.
Aki: But everything exists to be killed.
Soldier #1: True, true. But it is what we do with the time we are given; that is what makes us human.
Aki: What if you waste your life doing something that you believe is good, but is actually pointless in reality?
Soldier #1: Well, you…
Phi: Uh. I hate to butt in on this ever so intelligent meaning-of-life discussion, but can we get on with it?
Soldier #1: Well, excuse me for trying to make the most of my short screen life. (points his gun at Aki, Cid and Gray) Now you're all under arrest.
Aki: Well, this day just gets better and better.
(The scene cuts to Hein's office
Hein is sat - alone behind his desk – holding a glass full of something green in one hand and a crumpled photo in another)
Phi: Warning. Overly melodramatic moment coming up.
Hein: Only if you write it that way.
Phi: Please. How do I make this funny?
Hein: I dunno. I could be wearing a clown suit while it's all going on… (sees the glint in Phi's eye) You had better not…
Phi: (sweetly) Whatever you say, Dougie. (disappears)
Hein: I hate it when she calls me that…
(He takes a small, dainty sip from the glass, screwing up his face at the taste of the liquid)
Hein: What in hell has she given me this time?
Phi: (V.O.) Lets just say it'll put an interesting spin on the next scene.
Hein: Why?
Phi: (V.O.) Cause if you drink it all, and manage to stay conscious, you'll be drunk as hell. (evil snigger)
Hein: (puts the glass down) I don't want that! How am I supposed to be all angsty and moody if I'm drunk?
Phi: (V.O.) Well, we'll have to see, won't we?
(Hein pushes the glass away from him, but he can't take his eyes off it. With the expression of someone locked in a fierce battle of his mind against the author, he forces himself to look down at the photo and away from the glass. The silence is disturbed as the door opens to reveal Elliot and a small group of armoured soldiers)
Elliot: We have them, sir… (notices that Hein is locked in an intense mental struggle) Sir?
Hein: (trying to remember his lines and ignore the glass) My… My wife and daughter were killed when the San Francisco barrier failed…
Phi: (appearing suddenly) And if you want to read my interpretation of that, you can read one of my other fi –
(The author is rudely cut off as Hein begins to talk again)
Hein: Did I ever tell you that?
Elliot: You never told me you were allergic to penicillin and look how that turned out.
(They both shudder)
Hein: I try to imagine what… What that must have been like… Seeing everyone around you fall over dead for no apparent reason…
Elliot: … Well, in theory, there was a reason…
Hein: (scowls) Shut up. I'm trying to be emotional here.
Elliot: And entirely out of character, might I point out?
(Both soldiers stare up at Phi)
Phi: (V.O.) Hey, don't blame me for this one. Blame the movie in the first place. If I were in control of this scene, you'd be ranting and raving and generally being more Hein-esque. And you'd both be wearing clown suits. (laughs evilly)
Hein: (raises an eyebrow for a moment before looking back down at his photo) And then at the end, feeling something next to you... invisible... touching you... reaching inside your body and… You've lost family, haven't you?
Elliot: Yes, sir. Though not really to the Phantoms. It was more of an accident involving water and a faulty plug.
Hein: (rolls his eyes) Well, that's why I trust you. All of you. You know what must be done.
Elliot: Yes, sir. Shall we go now, sir?
(Hein nods and stands up, putting the photo inside his trenchcoat. As a last act before he leaves the office, he subconsciously grabs the glass of green stuff and downs it in one)
Phi: (appearing) Woah. Even I can't do that.
Hein: Why's everything gone purple? (falls over)