DANGEROUS FEELINGS

Chapter 4

It had been five days since Soi first met Sanumi, and she had spent most of those days avoiding the girl and Nakago. She figured if she didn't see them then that would just save her the heartache. But she was wrong. Because she missed Nakago. What people didn't know was that what to them was a freezing stare from blue eyes was pure ecstasy to Soi. Because at least he was looking at her. The cold man they were always presented with was an angel to her. A lover. A master. The unnerving smile they always saw was a ray of sunshine to her. His cold hands always felt warm against her skin. And his deep voice was the music she longed to hear whenever they made love……..

Soi felt herself. She was burning up. She blushed as she realized what was happening. She forced herself to close her eyes, and she tried to control the ache within her. As she continued her battle, her hand grabbed a handful of the bedsheet. Her thoughts continued to race. Frustrated, she sat bolt upright. Her breathing heavy.

"Nakago….."

Is this what you see everytime you look at me?

Soi was weak

No. I'm not

You are

She glanced outside. It was morning. Still morning. She stood up and then almost fell down. Her legs were shaky. Her face darkened. She straightened up once more, and stood still. She didn't move until she was sure that her legs were working properly again. She went to the other end of the tent. She stopped in front of the mirror and saw her reflection. Blue eyes stared back at her. Her pale face was framed by red locks. She stayed there, as if in a trance. Memories flooded her mind. Then her face broke into a smile. It was a tired smile. But it was a smile nonetheless.

I love Nakago……and I'm strong

She put on her armor, and walked outside.

I'm stronger than Sanumi. And I will win him back. I'll make him want me so much that, not Sanumi, not Tomo, not even Nakago, can stop himself.

She knew the chances were slim. Almost close to nothing.

But I'm Soi. A Seiryuu Seishi. I can do this.

She finally had a plan. Something to motivate her. With her heart pounding, she reached Nakago's tent and went inside, her face smiling.

Her heart stopped beating. Her world stopped turning. Time stood still.

There on the were Nakago and Sanumi. Having sex. As the bed rocked, and as her ears were invaded by their hungry sighs, she could merely look at them. With each thrust she felt herself falling deeper and deeper. She thought she couldn't experience anymore pain. But she was wrong. She looked at the ground. She felt so dizzy. It was like the earth was shaking below her. She looked at them again. She closed her eyes. She didn't know what to do. Her head ached so much, and her heart….she couldn't feel it anymore. That was when she realized that she had stopped breathing.

"Uuuuughh…."

She released her breath

Oxygen came as a cold shock to her. She opened her eyes. That's when Nakago looked up. The witch was moaning like crazy, but Nakago just stared at her. Blue met blue. And she felt herself drowning once more. She was in the ocean. Slowly sinking. And she saw Nakago above her. Floating. The rays of the sun made him seem almost holy. She searched his eyes. There was nothing. It promised her nothing. There would be no salvation. There would be no more him

SAVE ME

After what seemed like an eternity, he finally spoke.

"Why are you here….ah…can't you see I'm busy….."

Soi was mortified. Even as he talked he was still doing it with her

Can't he stop? Even for just a second? Dear gods make him stop. Please Nakago just hold me. Me. Tell me everything. Anything. Something……

She backed away, and felt something press against her. Then she tumbled and fell on her butt. The witch looked at her and laughed. Actually laughed. Or tried to laugh beneath Nakago, because she was practically breathless.

The bed continued to rock.

She stood up, turned, and left. She stood outside and saw complete and total darkness. Everything was black. She blinked

What? It's morning.

Then she saw a flash of a poor replica of the scenery before, but was almost instantly replaced by the darkness. She stood there letting the wind take her over. She wanted to become the wind.

I want to get out of here.

She willed the tears to come. She forced them out.

Cry. Please cry.

She just wanted to cry. At least the tears washed away the suffering, the pain, and made her feel calm until the sadness once again visited and overwhelmed her. But she didn't. Her despair was greater than tears. She was numb. She ceased to think. Ceased to feel.

Nakago would be extremely happy if he found out what I've become. Now I understand what he meant by pain is what makes us fit to be rulers.

She walked all the way to her tent. Oblivious to everything. SLAM. She hit something. Hard. Her vision cleared and she saw Tomo.

"Hey! Watch where you're going," he spat, moving away from her, repulsed at her touch

She just looked at him.

Am I supposed to react.

"Soi!"

She continued to stare at him.

"Soi!!!!!"

He was shouting now, obviously worried, but not willing to show it. He raised his arms, held her by the shoulder, and shook her.

I feel tired. Sleep would be a good option right now. Yeah…..sleep.

Her eyes rolled back and her lids dropped, with them came her body, which was dropping to the ground until a pair a strong arms grabbed her and she fell back against Tomo.

"What's wrong….Soi…..Soi.."

His face was pale.

Everything was fading. Soi was fading. And it was the one thing she wanted.

SOI

I should be used to this by now.

But I'm not.

How can someone get used to pain?

To humiliation?

I want to know why I still feel this.

I want to know why despite everything

When I looked into his eyes

I wished it was me he was making love to.

I wished it was me he was holding.

SANUMI

Okay. She's prettier.

She's sexier.

She's got more abilities.

But I have Nakago.

So I've got the power.

And it feels good.

So good.

Revenge really is sweet.

NAKAGO

I knew she was there.

I felt her presence.

But I kept going.

And I don't know why.

All I know was that I wanted her to see it.

Soi opened her eyes and found herself looking at the ceiling of her tent.

What in the world happened?

Then everything came back in shocking clarity. From Nakago's face to Sanumi's erotic sighs. She waited for the familiar pain. Yet she didn't feel anything. It was as if she had no heart at all.

I guess too much pain can cause a lobotomy.

Or maybe it just wasn't acceptable to feel as bad as she did. The gods pitied her and made her feel nothing at all. But she still wanted to cry. She needed it. Yet she couldn't. It was like her emotions were all trapped inside her but couldn't get out.

It's strange. Nakago always wanted me to be like this. Emotionless. I could never accomplish that. Because when it came to him I hoped. I wished. I felt. Now that I'm finally what he wanted me to be, he's gone.

Soi sat up on the bed and took a deep breath. It was noisy, very chaotic outside. She needed to get away.

Privacy.

I have to sort my feelings out. I need to stop being this way.

Then it hit her. The woods. She knew if she walked long enough there would be a clearing where a pond was. Perfect for a picnic. She almost laughed.

ME? Go for a picnic? How freaking normal can things get?

But she knew it would be good for her. She needed to get used to being alone. Armed with that thought she got up and dressed into something more comfortable and carefree.