FEAR!! Resident Evil style, MUAHAHA..
I haven't written for this site in a good year or so, so here's a rusty return. I`m very, very rusty.
Also by me: A Day In the Life of Brad Vickers
Dario is a Terrible Writer and Salesman
How Sherry Birkin Became Retarded
Untitled
....Check 'em out, they've all been hits, listed under Comedy/Humor. Here we go...
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A small label appeared on the bottom of the screen for each introduction.
"Hi…!! I'm Brad Vickers. I recently had a divorce with a ninety year old man.( I miss you Jebediah!) I'm with STARS. I've gained the nickname of Chickenheart, and I enjoy things such as Ping-Pong, and attempting to molest Chris. My love. " Brad then blew a kiss at the camera.
"I'm Chris Redfield. I hate two things most in this world: Shitface, also known as Rebecca Chambers; and Brad. I'm with STARS, and I sure do hope something paranormal attacks and kills Brad and 'Becca.. and I'm there with a video-camera."
"....I'm REBECCA CHAMBERS!! WOO! I LOVE Chris, he is my BESTEST friend EVER! I'm a rookie at STARS, a medic! HUEVOS HUEVOS HUEVOS!"
"I'm Claire Redfield, sister to Chris. My favorite food is hamburgers, I`m into grunge, and I think politics are boring. I fear Sherry, I mean, she was cool in Raccoon. But when she moved in with me she started being... weird. She went out with Nemesis every night, in tight leather. I once caught her drinking at a rave... so..."
"I'm Sherry B, also known as B DAWG. WOOP! (what up n-man!)," Her big, huge, mentally retarded eyes glistened, although the light was dull. And she was stoned; "...I like sailor.. . suits... Claire says I act too old for my age, but I`m not too sure about that. I have no friends; and I can't figure out why."
"Hi, I'm Jill Valentine. A few years ago I was new to the STARS, but they've become like family to me. I'm terribly annoyed by Rebecca."
"Hehehe..." Steve Burnside mumbled under his breath, looking down at naked pictures of Claire. He then looked up at the camera, his eyes going wide. "Uh, OH! HI!!" He quickly crumbled up the photograph and threw it aside, before laughing uneasily; flushed. "..I`m STEVE." His terribly disgusting surfer boy accent came up, ugh. "I was taken as a prisoner at the "rock", as I call it.. and my Daddy.. died.. there..." Steve then burst into tears. He threw his hands in the air as sobs turned into cries; and ran off camera. The camera remained on the empty space a moment more.
"Just call me C-Lo." Said Carlos, shaking his ass at the camera.
...The team of eight sat in the small, cramped room that they'd be staying in for the next three to six days. Steve's sobs were heard in the bathroom, for he had made a mess in his underpants.. and when Chris realized the terrible stench, he screamed at Steve. Steve had taken off crying. They had all just arrived that day, and tonight at one in the AM would take off, into the supermarket.
Once the clock hit 12, the colors were decided. The computer spoke with the voice of.. LEON!! Oh, as if that wasn't terrible enough? It was decided, that Brad would be... purple (duh), Chris red, Rebecca green, Claire orange, Sherry yellow, Jill pink, Steve black, and Carlos brown.
The mission was stated:
Black must head into the west side of the supermarket, where the gay lingerie can be found. Black must put on some of the gay lingerie, and remain there for twenty minutes. Beware of gay ghosts. Purple will be the lookout, and will stand outside.
Steve's lower lip trembled madly, his eyes welting up with tears. Once both members had been equipped with their camera and lights, they would head to the west side. Red, Chris, would be navigation.
"CHRIS IS MY BESTEST FRIEND!" Rebecca shouted, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "I haven't known him for long, but he is SECKZY!"
Jill smiled, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "Chris has been nice to me ever since I`ve came to the STARS, and I really appreciate that. I`m attracted to him, and he's attracted to me; for sure. But Rebecca is always getting in the damn way.."
Steve blinked as his name appeared on the bottom of the screen. "Chris is mean to me, very mean to me."
Carlos grinned broadly, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "He's my main man! I know he hates when I dance, but I still like to chill with him. He knows a lot of stuff, and has a good sense of humor. As do I."
Brad sighed, slowly smiling as his name appeared on the bottom of the screen. "When I think of Chris, I want to touch myself."
Claire grinned, teeth grit. Her name faded into the bottom of the screen. "Chris RULES, the Redfield clan is kickass, and he's the cherry on top. He's my only other sibling, and I love him so much. He's awesome, what would I do without him?"
Sherry blinked, taking a drag from the blunt. "Huuuhh...."
Steve slowly made his way into the Gay Lingerie section of the supermarket, shocked and appauled at all of the terrible things that lay around there. Brad gave him an "encouraging" slap in the ass.. which hadn't been encouraging AT ALL. Chris sat in front of the computer, some of the team gathered around, excluding Carlos.. he was in a pair of tight leather pants, shaking his rump to the Macarena.
"Alright, you should be coming upon a rack of whips.. right?" Questioned Chris, holding the intercom to his lips. Steve responded, already sounding terrified "Y--yes..." Steve looked around wide eyed, a bead of cold sweat dripping down his forehead. "Alright, there should be a rack of clothing. You've gotta decide what you wanna wear from there, okay? Think gay." A voice was heard in the background: "That won't be so hard for him!" Sherry. DAMN HER. Steve frowned.. what if he didn't really do it? But he wanted the money, so he could finally build his own motel. He slipped on a man thong, and wore a batman mask. He held a whip in his right hand, uncertainly seating himself on the floor. Talk about weird. "...Twenty minutes, here it goes."
Honestly, Claire felt that he wouldn't last for more than five minutes. But she'd just have to wait and see, to see if her bet with Jill would pay off.
"We're gonna have twenty minutes of r--" Chris paused, and dropped the intercom, screaming as the Macarena blasted in his ear. Carlos' rump furiously smashed against the back of his head, and when Chris turned to look he got a face-full of tight leather-wearin' buttocks. He shoved Carlos away from him, and continued. It'd been a full three seconds.
"OH MY GOOOD! ARE YOU GUYS THERE?! AHHHH MY GOD MY GOD I`M A DEAD MAN..." Cried Steve over the intercom. "...Holy SHIT, Steve. What has it been, a milli-second? God. So anyway, we're gonna hav--" "MY GOODDD!!" Chris shoved Rebecca's head off of his shoulder, and sent her flying across the room. Jill kicked Rebecca in her head. "STEVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP, you braindead ASSHOLE!" Said Chris. Steve responded crying. "...So we're gonna have twenty minutes of radio silence, got it?" A voice was heard in the background of the intercom, Leon's. ..The computer. "Whatchu wearin, sweetheart?" Steve decided to ignore that one.
"Steve's okie dokie..." Said Jill, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "No offense, but he is such a crybaby, and is also terrified of Chris."
Twenty minutes of silence.
Meanwhile, outside, Brad was terribly curious of what Steve was wearing. Mm, a young little seventeen year old, helpless.. in pink laced UNDIES! Brad held his cheeks, blushing and giggling to himself.
...Back at the cramped room, Rebecca dove on top of Chris and screamed, shoving a medical tool in his ass. Chris screamed at the top of his lungs, before Claire grabbed him and pulled him away from the psychotic nine year old. Jill instinctively held Rebecca back, who's eyes were bulging . She rotted, her eyes turning blood red. They tied her down to the bed immeadiatly.
She yelled something in backward language,the voice of a man, before spitting a wave of green stuff out of her mouth and toward Carlos. Carlos shrieked, his groove being thrown off. "Call priests! We need an exorcism!" shouted Sherry. She was off in the corner, overdosing on Children's Dimetapp. So they did, taking her word for it. Claire rolled her eyes, darkly thinking "Yeah, trust her. She's a real God damned Einstien... an exorcism."
Steve thought he heard something. "What was that?" He whispered harshly to himself, looking around. All of a sudden, he saw a figure.. a TRANSPARENT figure. He stared in disbelief, for it was a man in a miniature thong, with a whip in his hand. "My GOD!" Steve screamed, bursting into tears of fear. It had only been six minutes, God damn it.
"Shit," Claire muttered under her breath. "It's been past five minutes. There goes thirty dollars." She glared at Jill, who was greeting the two priests entering the room.
The ghost furiously whipped him, screaming "SLAVE BOI!" in his ear. Steve was hysterical, tears endlessly running down his cheeks. He got up, and he ran. "I can't take it anymore!" Steve shouted on the intercom. "Yer comin' back?!" Replied Chris. Steve overheard someone screaming in the backround, gurgling hoarsely. "Yeah, what is that?" Steve shouted, as he ran out. "Uh.. I`ll tell you later." Chris replied.
Steve ran outside to meet Brad." I GIVE!!" He shouted, before stopping in front of him and sighing, tears gradually stopping. "We're going back." Brad looked him up and down. Steve frowned, his eyes widening as he slowly turned away and made his way toward the one-room tiny house.
"RELEASE THE DEMON IN YOU, REBECCA!" Shouted the first priest, holding a bible as Rebecca screamed and thrashed. "The power of Christ compells you!" Shouted both priests, chanting the phrase.. The other priest threw holy water on her. She thrashed again, screaming madly and barfing all over the priest who had the bible. "RELEASE IT!" He shouted, being sprayed with acid barf. All of a sudden, the house rocked as Rebecca farted. Seriously. Loudly. The priests stopped short, their jaws dropping.
The stench washed over all of them immeadiatly. She turned normal again, sighing. "Ah.. gas pains.." She muttered. Everyone's hair had been blown back, their clothes ruffled when she dropped the bomb, BIG TIME. Everyone looked terribly shocked, as a few flies fell from the air with little "Bzzts", dead.
"AYE CARUMBA!" Carlos shouted, breaking the long silence. Steve and Brad had just walked in the doorway when it happened, they looked terrified. Everyone fell to their knees, screaming and coughing, covering their mouths and noses with anything close. The computer spoke up, but coughed madly. "What in the hell is that stench!" The computer shouted. Nobody answered.
"....There is paranormal activity detected in the isles of the east side of the supermarket. Red will go in with a pair of high-tech goggles, and try to spot these detected forms. Brown will be the lookout. Navigation will be pink."
Rebecca grinned widely when she heard she'd be navigating Chris. She gave two thumbs up, with a big, ugly, toothy grin. "Golly! You can count on me, Chris!" She shouted gleefully. Chris sighed.
The team bid Steve a farewell.
Chris slowly made his way down the isle, it was totally silent. The only thing illuminating the darkness was his flashlight. Suddenly, a terribly shrill and annoying, yet familiar voice blasted over the intercom. "HI CHRIS!" Rebecca. "You've gotta go near the cereal section, 'KAY?!!" ...Chris decided not to answer.
Meanwhile, Carlos stood outside. He was doing the moonwalk, and singing a song to himself. He grabbed his crotch and screamed "OO!" throwing his other arm in the air like Michael Jackson.
Chris heard something. A box of cereal floated by, drops of glowing plasma floating after it. "...There's a flying cereal box..." He muttered into the intercom. But Rebecca responded with a shrill song of encouragement, that went like this: "Jeepers, creepers! Where'd you get those PEEPERS?!" She went on with the song. Chris screamed in horror, his ears bleeding. He ran like hell, the camera shaking madly as he screamed. The floating cereal box trailed after him.
He ran into a stack of paper towels and toilet paper, madly thrashing and rolling about before standing. All went silent, the radio being broken off.
Chris sighed in relief, before realizing the cereal box was following him-- along with a floating spatula. Chris screamed.
Carlos looked around, hearing Chris scream. "Oh, my!" He tried to use the intercom, but there was just static. Carlos stared down at the intercom and shrugged, continuing to sing "Shake Your BonBon" and dance around a street sign.
When the radio was put back up, there was silence. "Chris, you okay?" Jill's voice over the intercom, much better to hear than Rebeccas. "...Claire got into a fight with Sherry. Rebecca was cheering Sherry on, so Claire hit her in the head with a metal baseball bat..." She looked down at a knocked out Rebecca. "She's out cold.."
Chris sniffed the panties, before looking up and dropping them. His voice trembled. "I`m being chased by a cereal box... and a spatula..." Jill looked down at the intercom. "Well, just find something paranormal, not the floating stuff, but a person. "Oh, yeah." Chris responded, using those goggles. He was surrounded by a ton of old men in tight Speedos. He fell silent, his jaw clenched. He turned pale. "..I..I.. I f--found s..ome..." The old men closed in on him. Jill's voice again came over the intercom. "Go! and get Carlos, too.. where is he?"
Chris ran like hell outside, grabbing a wriggling Carlos by the sleeve and dragging him back.
"I`m cool with Carlos," Claire said; her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "I`m quite entertained by his weird dancing and weird jokes. And it's pretty funny when Sherry and him fight."
"I hate Carlos," said Sherry, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen.
"He's a pervert, and always fuckin' flirts with Jill. And then he always fights with me. He'd better get some respect for others. And a brain." She took a swig of the bottle of alcohol.
"Carlos is pretty funny. I`m okay with him, I guess. But I get angry when he dances around me. Very angry." Said Chris, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen.
Jill sighed, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen.
"I met Carlos in Raccoon, and we became very close friends. I must say that he is quite odd, but he's still cool with me."
Brad smiled, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "Mmm..."
They entered the house and sighed. "Get some sleep," said the Leon voiced computer; "This night is over.. tomorrow, you will return to a new location. This location is the local McDonalds playpen." Everyone looked at eachother, most shrugging a bit. So they'd get some sleep, right? Yep.
Not that Chris had a good night's sleep. Half of the night Rebecca lay awake, in her terribly annoying voice singing the crappiest lullabies ever heard on earth. He lay awake that whole time, his eyes wide and red with weariness. He looked around the room, trying to ignore her. Steve had a big teddy bear in his arms, it's stomach having a rainbow, and reading "Mr. Wuggles". He hadn't left yet, he refused to. There was nothing they could do, so they let him stay. Brad repeatedly giggled in his sleep, sucking his thumb.. ech. Claire was pretty much normal. Carlos slept with his ass in the air, shaking it. Although he was asleep, he still managed to mutter and hum Ricky Martin and J-Lo songs, along with a few Michael Jackson tunes. Sherry had a bottle of alcohol in her right hand. Jill was half awake, because Carlos kept slamming his ass into her.
The next morning, everyone had risen early in the morning. Chris got only an hour of sleep, because of Mongaloid (Aka Rebecca).. from her lullabies to her unstoppable farting, it was enough to keep him awake. Brad kept reaching over, and rubbing his thigh. Almost twenty times in three hours, he'd punched Brad right in his stupid damned face. When the morning came, Brad was just.. bruised. His nose was swollen, and he had a black eye. Not that he cared, his undying love for Chris and all would keep him going....
All day. Boredom. They'd worked up a few events for entertainment, such as throwing Rebecca down some stairs (and she was perfectly fine with it, actually... she laughed insanely with the rest of them) and mud wrestling. That night, they'd had a grand feast before bed.
Rise and shine, 12 AM.
"Orange will go into the McDonalds playpen to retrieve the statue head of Ronald McDonald." The computer showed an image of the room, a dead man on the floor... the Hamburgler. "It was in this very spot that the Hamburgler had been murdered by ...that.. big fat.. purple.. guy. Yeah, so anyway, Orange has gotta scrape a sample of the blood off of the floor and put it in the jar. Bring it back safely, and you will stay in the game. Your look out will be yellow, navigator brown." Sherry was the look out. Claire sighed, and rolled her eyes a little bit. This was a bad situation, because Sherry was just a complete screw-up.
They got the gear on, and Chris wished her luck. He knew how she felt, the circumstances of Sherry. Poor sister, he thought to himself.
"AIII!" Carlos shouted into the intercom, startling the shit out of Claire. "Jesus CHRIST, Carlos, just tell me where the hell the playpen is, alright?!," She responded. "Aye aye, senorita! Aight, to your left should be a door with a poster of Marvin Gaye eating a Whopper.." He said. Claire paused, "Whoppers are in Burger King." There was a brief silence, before Carlos responded. Typing was heard in the backround. "Ohmybad. Big Mac."
Sherry took a long drag of the cigarette, her eyes completely bloodshot. She smiled to herself and coughed madly, blowing the smoke through her ears. She looked around, and waited for Claire to return, or call for her help. Oh, the publicity! "Twelve Year Old Girl Saves Nineteen Year Old Girl From Imminent Death at McDonalds".. Ah, yes, that was what the headline would be. Sherry readied herself.
"Go up the stairs." Carlos said, Ricky Martin and Chris screaming heard in the background. There was an extremely loud crash, and the music stopped short. Carlos screamed in horror, his boombox shattering and burning. Claire calmly made her way up the stairs, figuring that Chris just couldn't handle it anymore. She heard Rebecca singing "Livin La Vida Loca" in the background, along with an audible crack of a fist against her face, and a "Shut the HELL up!!" from Jill.
Claire entered the playpen, wide-eyed. She swung her flashlight about. "Alright, tell me what to do." She said into the intercom. "MON!" yelled Carlos, "Find the thing yourself! The whole point of it is to find it yourself, the computer ain't tellin me!" Claire responded furiously. "SCREW YOU, SPIC BOY!" "Oh yeah!?" "YEAH!" "Shut up WOMAN, go bake me a PIE!" "BAKE YOUR OWN PIE BITCH" "I`ll bake it and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS." "Try me!" "I WILL, when you go to sleep! Dont be suprised to find a pecan pie in your ASS!" "FUCK off!" "Make me." "NO." "Oh yeah?!" "YEAH!" There was a long silence between the two.
Claire walked along the slide, terrifed of the McDonalds "M" logos printed around. She fell into the ballpit, and began furiously thrashing. "MY GOD! OH MY GOOD!" Sherry barged in, and dove in. "I`LL SAVE YOU!!" Claire smelled the cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol before Sherry even spoke. "No, SHERRY, get the FUCK outside!" "I MUST SAVE YOU, I AM YOUR SAFETY!" Claire screamed, leveling her face with Sherry's. "I`m FINE!"
Claire fell backward, flailing her arms. She sat in the ballpit, suddenly feeling a nose. THE RONALD MCDONALDS HEAD! No.. it was warm, and had snot in it. She detected a mustache. Her flashlight went to the source as she pulled her hand out.
A small label appeared at the bottom of the screen, reading "Claire Redfield". "Well, actually, I`m pretty annoyed by Sherry. She liked to fuck things up all of the time, and that seriously angers me. I cant do anything without her up my ass."
"Sherry... Sherry is just /really/ weird." A small label that read "Chris Redfield" appeared on the bottom of the screen. "Claire was all like," He put on a girly mock voice for what she said, "I met this little girl named Sherry in Raccoon, she's very cool and sweet and determined, I love her like a daughter..." He put it off. "And then I met her. She was so, so sweet. But she really changed after a while. She started dressing and acting differently, very differently. And now she's a mega crackhead."
"I got beef wit' Sherry!" Carlos shouted angrily, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen.. "I cant believe how she dissed me. She was so, so drunk though. I mean, everyone thinks I`m sexy, and she's all like, 'Eww!' at me, so I was all like 'Fuck yoouu!'"
Brad's name appeared. "Sherry's an oddball, that's all I can say." Said Brad.
Jill sighed, smiling softly, her name fading into the bottom of the screen. "I understand that she is a child, and she has a lot of stress on herself because of the death of her parents and what she has been through. However, I see that this has driven her to drugs, alcohol, and tobacco as a solution. I don't think that's right, she's only twelve years old..."
Slowly, very, very slowly; Barry's head protruded from the balls. He was halfway out, before putting a finger to his lips. Claire screamed in horror, like a child.
"What /iiiiiiissss/ this?" Claire and Sherry stared in disbelief, as he held up the statue's head. "God, thank you so much Barry...!" Claire shouted, grabbing the head. But he didn't let go. Claire frowned, pulling it again. He didn't let go.
"Eet'll costchu.." He said, whispering something to the both of them right after. Claire gasped in horror, smacking him. Sherry raised an eyebrow, so stoned. Sherry and Barry went into the back room. Woo-wee! "You go girl!" Carlos shouted over the intercom.
"AHH!! WHAT /IIISS/ THIS!!!" Barry screamed in horror, in the backroom with Sherry. He ran out screaming, shit splattered in his face. He jumped out a window.
Then and there, Claire knew.
She must kill Sherry.
She pulled a crowbar out of the janitor's closet, and slowly walked toward the entrance of the bathroom, holding it like a baseball bat. She jumped in and screamed, poised to attack.. when she saw Sherry doggy paddling in her own shit. "Let's play!" Sherry shouted, standing up and running to hug Claire, her shit-caked arms outstretched in front of her. Claire screamed in horror, bashing a naked Sherry in the head with the crowbar. "Are you my Daddy!?" She cried into the intercom. Carlos replied: "OH YEAH BABY!"
...Right. Claire repeatedly hit Sherry in her head, but she wouldn't go down. She fell backward into the shit and rolled around, eating it. She sat up and munched it, the flashlight shining in her face. She smiled madly, shit around her lips and jammed in between her teeth. She chewed with her mouth wide open, a broad grin on her face. Claire slammed the door. She had better things to do, and as far as she was concerned Sherry was gone from Fear. "We've uh, lost Sherry, Carlos. Count her as out of the game." "Aight," Carlos responded over the intercom. Claire held the Ronald McDonald head under her arm as she pulled a jar and a scraper-type thing out of her duffel bag. She knelt down before the dry blood. She scraped it off of the ground, and then made a run for it. "Alright, I`m comin' home.." Claire shouted over the intercom, running outside and toward the small house.
Everyone shouted gleefully when she came about. The next mission would be in an hour, so they had time to relax. "Sherry and Steve are both gone.. I wonder who's next?" Asked Jill, glancing around the room and skeptically at everyone. But everyone's gaze turned to Brad.
"Brad, they think you're next." Said Rebecca, giving off an annoying laugh. No response.
"Brad?" She asked. All of a sudden, everyone in the room perked up, calling his name. "Brad?" "Brad." "Brad..." "BRAD!!" No movement. Rebecca ran over, weeping. "Brad! Are you okay?!" She felt no pulse, and burst into tears. She cried like a baby, giving a long cry and then withdrawing like, five gallons of breath. Annoying, very annoying. So Brad was dead, for unknown causes.
Chris smiled inwardly. Wasn't spontaneous combustion awesome? He helped haul Brad, who was in a bodybag, to an ambulance. Rebecca had a fit, jumping off of the walls an screaming, pounding her fists into the wall. "He didn't even GET TO DO A MISSION!" She cried, repeatedly bashing her head into the wall.
"SHE'S GOTTA SHUT THE HELL UP." Said Chris, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "Why doesn't she lay off?! Addictive little clingy BITCH, I hope she gets a life. Because she needs one. BIG TIME."
Jill's name appeared on the bottom of the screen. "Excuse my French, but what a sh*tpissf*ckc*ntc*cksuckinmotherfu**ert*tsfartsturdandt*at. Yes, I`d prefer to have that all bleeped. Thanks." Said Jill.
"Weird..." Claire sighed, her name appearing and her gaze slowly trailing heavenward.
The next mission was posted. Carlos double clicked the message board, the Leon-ic voice speaking.. "Red and Green will go into the basement, and photograph paranormal things with these special cameras... I INVENTED THEM MYSEEELF! :D :D :D ...Anywho, they're special. This is because they can track down paranormal activity, and have infrared lenses. Pretty cool, huh? Pink'll be navigation, and orange will be safety."
Chris turned pale, his eyes wide. "N…no..." It came out silent, and he struggled to say it. "NO!!" He pounded his fists on the wall, uncontrollably screaming, incredibly struck with panic and fear. A mission with Rebecca was far worse than anything in the world. ANYTHING, except a mission with Brad. Both were equally terrifying.
"When I found out that I had a mission with Becca," Said Chris, his name appearing at the bottom of the screen, "I almost had a heart attack. Having a mission with her would be worse than HELL." Chris sighed, and screamed. "I HATE THAT DUMB ASS!!"
Now, Claire stood outside of the basement door in silence, smoking a cigarette and leaning against the wall. Rebecca was behind Chris, they were both walking down the stairs. Rebecca was oddly silent, wasn't she? Jill's voice came over the intercom. "Alright, you're going down the stairs, ey?"
"Yeah," said Chris as he glanced around the room. He heard a "BZZT!" behind him. Of course, it was Rebecca licking the camera for some weird reason. She'd electrocuted herself. "Rebecca, please… I really wanna kill you." The ghosts surrounded them in the darkness. "YOU WANNA KISS ME?!" Shouted Rebecca in her terribly annoying shrill voice; as she leaped on Chris and grabbed his shirt. "NOO!" Screamed Chris, thrashing to get away from the annoying teenager.
Chris whacked Rebecca in the face with the camera. She screamed and fell backward, landing sprawled out on the floor. She was completely overreacting, lying on her back and twitching, her tongue hanging out of her mouth. "Save me, Chris." She whispered melodramatically. He sighed, turning away from her. Suddenly, she grabbed his leg. She'd crawled to him, and looked up at him. Pus and drool-ridden lips puckered, repeatedly screaming. The ghosts held their ears and began screaming, too. Chris began screaming as well. Jill screamed over the intercom, Carlos in the background. Claire, outside, screamed as her lighter fluid ran out.
Chris was the first to stop. Over the intercom and at the people in the room, he screamed "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Everyone stopped. "Look, Rebecca, shut the hell up. You're an annoying little twat. I don't like you, just… please, get that through your thick skull." Rebecca screamed, and Chris began to maniacally stomp on her big head. Her screams died off, and her grip loosened. He'd killed Rebecca.
He looked around the room, at the stunned ghosts. "I killed Rebecca." He said very silently. "I KILLED REBECCA!" Everyone began to cheer insanely as the ghosts and Chris danced on her body.
When Chris returned to the house, his pictures consisted of party pictures of him, the ghosts, and dead Rebecca. Drinking, and feasting. They beat her body with sticks, and used her as a dance floor. They then duct-taped her to the wall, and played "Pin the Dildo on Rebecca's Corpse". "It looked fun," Said Carlos. "I wish I could have joined you." Claire stared at the alcohol and cigarettes. "...Why didn't you invite me, Christopher..." Chris arched a brow at her, pausing to look at her. "Um. What?"
Claire stared, wide-eyed, tilting her head to the side. Her two eyes came together to form one eye and fangs grew in her mouth. Her skin turned green, her one eye forming red cracks. Her ears pointed, and two more sets of arms slowly grew from her sides. Her head tilted to the side slowly more, her neck cracking as dark blue bumps appeared on her skin. She gained an alien-like voice… multiple voiced, manly.
"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!" She shouted. "What you say!" Said Jill. "You have no chance of survive. Make your time..." Claire grinned broadly. "Hahaha." Jill held her head, looking on stressfully. Claire grabbed a few knives, and ran at Jill. "You are the evil one! Enemy of Bizorkshmaloop! DIE!"
The Transformers commercial theme ("Transformers, more than meets the eye!" "Transformers, robots in disguise!") played in the background as Jill morphed into a creature much like Claire's, but far different. Three asses formed, her legs turning into jets. She grew three more sets of legs to accompany the jets, her skin turning purple. Two eyes morphed into six, each yellow with a small red slit in the middle. Her ears pointed, and her jaw grew. The lower part was pushed out, she now having fangs larger than Claire's, and an overbite. However, her teeth were very yellow and rotten.
They both attacked at the same time. Carlos screamed, and pressed a button on his watch. "Going TURBO!" He shouted, metallic Max Steel music playing in the background. "It's time to save the day!" Leon was on the other line, heard in Carlos' earpiece. He wore corny glasses and had his hair gelled back. "Yo bro! Watch out for dos supah sensahs!" Carlos ran at them, surrounded by a glowing green light. But Claire just smacked him. Three deformed hands met Carlos' face, sending him flying back into the wall. "Owwiiees!" Cried Carlos, holding his face as he went un-Turbo.
Jill attacked Claire first, biting her. Both of them engaged in combat. Bite. Kick. Punch. Smash. Slash. Throw. Smack. Attack. Double-Whammy. Punch. Punch. Kick. Bite. Smash. Throw. Throw. Smack. Bite. Slap. Ass-slap. Double ass-slap. Bite. Kick. Scream. Punch.
There was an interlude, of the cast prancing in a field in slow motion. They wore ugly orange dresses and silk suits from the 50's. "You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind…" Played in the background. They then all ran off of a cliff, which was in fact the Grand Canyon. In slow motion, they fell to the ground laughing and yellow gleefully. Then, there was a close-up of all of their faces. Terror spread across them as they looked down, and they screamed, still in slow motion. Their hair went up in a wave since they were falling, as did their clothes. Wide-eyed, they flailed their arms in the air as they helplessly struggled to grab onto a wall that was fifteen yards away. The camera slowly faded.
When it was all through, the room was destroyed and both were on the floor dying. Blood was splattered everywhere. Suddenly, Claire exploded. Everyone stood in silent, before Chris fell to his knees, hysterical. Jill turned back to normal and went to comfort him, but Chris smashed her over the head with a pillow a few hundred times.
Carlos stood in silence, watching, before he did the moonwalk. As he did, he said "You've been hit by, you've been struck by; a smooth criminal." He stopped moonwalking and grabbed his crotch with an "Ow!", throwing his other arm in the air.
That night everyone had a good night's sleep. For once. Chris, Carlos, and Jill had been the only people left. They slept in silence, Carlos still bouncing his air around in the air in his sleep. You know, these people had some really weird sleeping habits.
The next morning, everyone woke up to a silent and peaceful day. It felt weird to not have Sherry around, drinking and smoking. To not have Rebecca, singing terrible lullabies. To not have Claire around, to cook. To not have Brad pinching Chris' ass every so often, or feeling his thigh.
There really was no source of entertainment. All three of them sat on the couch, watching a 72 hour television marathon of The Wonder Years. They'd been watching for hours, and now they looked weary like zombies. Their mouths open, head down a bit, big cracks in their eyes. Carlos made a move on Jill, wrapping his arm around her. And then Chris did. Carlos and Chris tilted their heads back, narrowing their eyes at each other. Chris snuggled up against Jill. Carlos leaned against her. They stared at each other, again. Chris narrowed his eyes, pointing to himself. He then pointed his middle finger and index finger at his eyes; and then pointed at Carlos.
Carlos lifted his head, pointing to himself. Chris narrowed his eyes, nodding a little bit as he pointed at him, mouthing out "You." Carlos grabbed her left arm. Chris grabbed her right. "Look, she's MINE, I`ve known her longer than you, lover boy!!" Chris screamed. Carlos gasped. "WELL SHE LIKES ME BETTER, all of the foxy ladies love my sexy ACCENT!" Chris' eyes widened, and he pulled her arm. "No!" Carlos pulled on her other arm. "NO."
Jill screamed and shouted "Calm down!" and other words to cool them off, as they maniacally pulled her arms. All of a sudden, there was a skkrraaak and a spllluhchchchhhh. Jill's body tore in half from the middle, blood spraying all over Carlos and Chris.
"When Jill died, I was ready to fuckin' strangle that spic-a-roonie. He KILLED her, not ME. I mean, we both did it, but I didn't mean to. I bet HE DID! He's greedy, he just.. he wants all of the money! I KNOW IT." Shouted Chris after his name appeared on the bottom of the screen.
Carlos' voice was in the background as the camera moved over Jill's split corpse. "Chris, is a true bastard. He made me murder my Jill, and assisted in her dead. MY JILLY-POO. /My/ Jillian. And he killed her, so now we are mortal enemies."
The computer spoke up. "Now, there are two of you left." Chris screamed. "IS THERE GONNA BE A FACEOFF?! I wanna KILL Carlos, man!" Carlos looked outraged. "Shut the fuck up, white boy! I`LL TAKE YOU ON /ANY/ DAY." "Anyday?!" "Oh yeah, you bet, bitch!"
"Actually, I was just gonna give you both $5000 bucks…" Carlos and Chris grinned broadly, an insane look on their faces. "YES!"
So , they both got the money and stuff.
---Epilogue---
(SpongeBob Squarepants theme song plays in the background)
Leon spoke in the background, being the narrator.
Carlos boogied in a room of multicolored lights, wearing a big necklace with the peace sign on it, in gold. Michael Jackson boogied along with him.He wore clothes that you'd see in the 70's, as Michael Jackson music blasted in the club. There was a huge posted of Michael Jackson on the wall, autographed.
"Carlos founded his own private dance club, bought Michael Jackson, and married this guy." A picture of Nemesis appeared on the screen. He wore lipstick and earrings, his trenchcoat a housewife dress. "…They both had the ugliest child you've ever seen." A picture of Dario the writer popped up on the screen.
"Chris bought a military," Said Leon as the screen showed a huge group of armed men in the backyard of… "And a mansion." Chris' mansion. "He also bought a variety of weaponry used in World War II, and other utilities." Leon paused. "This is what he did." A picture of Carlos appeared on the screen, with Michael Jackson. They were both black, covered in soot with their hair blown back and wide eyes. A spot of black was where Carlos' private dance club had once been. "However, we all make mistakes…" The screen now had shown Mariah Carey doing her famous scream-sing. The windows in Chris' mansion were broken, in the process of breaking, or cracked badly. Chris' military was screaming, their heads bulging and blood flowing out of their ears. The walls of Chris' mansion were crumbling; and soldiers' heads were exploding.
"Claire. When she exploded, she went back to her planet." Claire sits on her native planet, in that disgusting alien form. She holds up a cocktail and smiles.
"Sherry, to this day, remains in that bathroom in McDonalds." A picture of Sherry doggy paddling by in a pool of shit runs by the screen, before being reduced and put into the bottom of the screen. The main picture is a Sherry "NOW", "MID", and "THEN" Now, she was a naked idiot backstroking in shit and eating it. Mid, it is her in tight leather, sitting on Nemesis' lap with a cigarette in her right hand, a bottle of alcohol in her left. Then, is her in RE2. Sweet, innocent, clean, cute, and wearing a sailor suit.
THE END!
I haven't written for this site in a good year or so, so here's a rusty return. I`m very, very rusty.
Also by me: A Day In the Life of Brad Vickers
Dario is a Terrible Writer and Salesman
How Sherry Birkin Became Retarded
Untitled
....Check 'em out, they've all been hits, listed under Comedy/Humor. Here we go...
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A small label appeared on the bottom of the screen for each introduction.
"Hi…!! I'm Brad Vickers. I recently had a divorce with a ninety year old man.( I miss you Jebediah!) I'm with STARS. I've gained the nickname of Chickenheart, and I enjoy things such as Ping-Pong, and attempting to molest Chris. My love. " Brad then blew a kiss at the camera.
"I'm Chris Redfield. I hate two things most in this world: Shitface, also known as Rebecca Chambers; and Brad. I'm with STARS, and I sure do hope something paranormal attacks and kills Brad and 'Becca.. and I'm there with a video-camera."
"....I'm REBECCA CHAMBERS!! WOO! I LOVE Chris, he is my BESTEST friend EVER! I'm a rookie at STARS, a medic! HUEVOS HUEVOS HUEVOS!"
"I'm Claire Redfield, sister to Chris. My favorite food is hamburgers, I`m into grunge, and I think politics are boring. I fear Sherry, I mean, she was cool in Raccoon. But when she moved in with me she started being... weird. She went out with Nemesis every night, in tight leather. I once caught her drinking at a rave... so..."
"I'm Sherry B, also known as B DAWG. WOOP! (what up n-man!)," Her big, huge, mentally retarded eyes glistened, although the light was dull. And she was stoned; "...I like sailor.. . suits... Claire says I act too old for my age, but I`m not too sure about that. I have no friends; and I can't figure out why."
"Hi, I'm Jill Valentine. A few years ago I was new to the STARS, but they've become like family to me. I'm terribly annoyed by Rebecca."
"Hehehe..." Steve Burnside mumbled under his breath, looking down at naked pictures of Claire. He then looked up at the camera, his eyes going wide. "Uh, OH! HI!!" He quickly crumbled up the photograph and threw it aside, before laughing uneasily; flushed. "..I`m STEVE." His terribly disgusting surfer boy accent came up, ugh. "I was taken as a prisoner at the "rock", as I call it.. and my Daddy.. died.. there..." Steve then burst into tears. He threw his hands in the air as sobs turned into cries; and ran off camera. The camera remained on the empty space a moment more.
"Just call me C-Lo." Said Carlos, shaking his ass at the camera.
...The team of eight sat in the small, cramped room that they'd be staying in for the next three to six days. Steve's sobs were heard in the bathroom, for he had made a mess in his underpants.. and when Chris realized the terrible stench, he screamed at Steve. Steve had taken off crying. They had all just arrived that day, and tonight at one in the AM would take off, into the supermarket.
Once the clock hit 12, the colors were decided. The computer spoke with the voice of.. LEON!! Oh, as if that wasn't terrible enough? It was decided, that Brad would be... purple (duh), Chris red, Rebecca green, Claire orange, Sherry yellow, Jill pink, Steve black, and Carlos brown.
The mission was stated:
Black must head into the west side of the supermarket, where the gay lingerie can be found. Black must put on some of the gay lingerie, and remain there for twenty minutes. Beware of gay ghosts. Purple will be the lookout, and will stand outside.
Steve's lower lip trembled madly, his eyes welting up with tears. Once both members had been equipped with their camera and lights, they would head to the west side. Red, Chris, would be navigation.
"CHRIS IS MY BESTEST FRIEND!" Rebecca shouted, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "I haven't known him for long, but he is SECKZY!"
Jill smiled, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "Chris has been nice to me ever since I`ve came to the STARS, and I really appreciate that. I`m attracted to him, and he's attracted to me; for sure. But Rebecca is always getting in the damn way.."
Steve blinked as his name appeared on the bottom of the screen. "Chris is mean to me, very mean to me."
Carlos grinned broadly, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "He's my main man! I know he hates when I dance, but I still like to chill with him. He knows a lot of stuff, and has a good sense of humor. As do I."
Brad sighed, slowly smiling as his name appeared on the bottom of the screen. "When I think of Chris, I want to touch myself."
Claire grinned, teeth grit. Her name faded into the bottom of the screen. "Chris RULES, the Redfield clan is kickass, and he's the cherry on top. He's my only other sibling, and I love him so much. He's awesome, what would I do without him?"
Sherry blinked, taking a drag from the blunt. "Huuuhh...."
Steve slowly made his way into the Gay Lingerie section of the supermarket, shocked and appauled at all of the terrible things that lay around there. Brad gave him an "encouraging" slap in the ass.. which hadn't been encouraging AT ALL. Chris sat in front of the computer, some of the team gathered around, excluding Carlos.. he was in a pair of tight leather pants, shaking his rump to the Macarena.
"Alright, you should be coming upon a rack of whips.. right?" Questioned Chris, holding the intercom to his lips. Steve responded, already sounding terrified "Y--yes..." Steve looked around wide eyed, a bead of cold sweat dripping down his forehead. "Alright, there should be a rack of clothing. You've gotta decide what you wanna wear from there, okay? Think gay." A voice was heard in the background: "That won't be so hard for him!" Sherry. DAMN HER. Steve frowned.. what if he didn't really do it? But he wanted the money, so he could finally build his own motel. He slipped on a man thong, and wore a batman mask. He held a whip in his right hand, uncertainly seating himself on the floor. Talk about weird. "...Twenty minutes, here it goes."
Honestly, Claire felt that he wouldn't last for more than five minutes. But she'd just have to wait and see, to see if her bet with Jill would pay off.
"We're gonna have twenty minutes of r--" Chris paused, and dropped the intercom, screaming as the Macarena blasted in his ear. Carlos' rump furiously smashed against the back of his head, and when Chris turned to look he got a face-full of tight leather-wearin' buttocks. He shoved Carlos away from him, and continued. It'd been a full three seconds.
"OH MY GOOOD! ARE YOU GUYS THERE?! AHHHH MY GOD MY GOD I`M A DEAD MAN..." Cried Steve over the intercom. "...Holy SHIT, Steve. What has it been, a milli-second? God. So anyway, we're gonna hav--" "MY GOODDD!!" Chris shoved Rebecca's head off of his shoulder, and sent her flying across the room. Jill kicked Rebecca in her head. "STEVE, SHUT THE FUCK UP, you braindead ASSHOLE!" Said Chris. Steve responded crying. "...So we're gonna have twenty minutes of radio silence, got it?" A voice was heard in the background of the intercom, Leon's. ..The computer. "Whatchu wearin, sweetheart?" Steve decided to ignore that one.
"Steve's okie dokie..." Said Jill, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "No offense, but he is such a crybaby, and is also terrified of Chris."
Twenty minutes of silence.
Meanwhile, outside, Brad was terribly curious of what Steve was wearing. Mm, a young little seventeen year old, helpless.. in pink laced UNDIES! Brad held his cheeks, blushing and giggling to himself.
...Back at the cramped room, Rebecca dove on top of Chris and screamed, shoving a medical tool in his ass. Chris screamed at the top of his lungs, before Claire grabbed him and pulled him away from the psychotic nine year old. Jill instinctively held Rebecca back, who's eyes were bulging . She rotted, her eyes turning blood red. They tied her down to the bed immeadiatly.
She yelled something in backward language,the voice of a man, before spitting a wave of green stuff out of her mouth and toward Carlos. Carlos shrieked, his groove being thrown off. "Call priests! We need an exorcism!" shouted Sherry. She was off in the corner, overdosing on Children's Dimetapp. So they did, taking her word for it. Claire rolled her eyes, darkly thinking "Yeah, trust her. She's a real God damned Einstien... an exorcism."
Steve thought he heard something. "What was that?" He whispered harshly to himself, looking around. All of a sudden, he saw a figure.. a TRANSPARENT figure. He stared in disbelief, for it was a man in a miniature thong, with a whip in his hand. "My GOD!" Steve screamed, bursting into tears of fear. It had only been six minutes, God damn it.
"Shit," Claire muttered under her breath. "It's been past five minutes. There goes thirty dollars." She glared at Jill, who was greeting the two priests entering the room.
The ghost furiously whipped him, screaming "SLAVE BOI!" in his ear. Steve was hysterical, tears endlessly running down his cheeks. He got up, and he ran. "I can't take it anymore!" Steve shouted on the intercom. "Yer comin' back?!" Replied Chris. Steve overheard someone screaming in the backround, gurgling hoarsely. "Yeah, what is that?" Steve shouted, as he ran out. "Uh.. I`ll tell you later." Chris replied.
Steve ran outside to meet Brad." I GIVE!!" He shouted, before stopping in front of him and sighing, tears gradually stopping. "We're going back." Brad looked him up and down. Steve frowned, his eyes widening as he slowly turned away and made his way toward the one-room tiny house.
"RELEASE THE DEMON IN YOU, REBECCA!" Shouted the first priest, holding a bible as Rebecca screamed and thrashed. "The power of Christ compells you!" Shouted both priests, chanting the phrase.. The other priest threw holy water on her. She thrashed again, screaming madly and barfing all over the priest who had the bible. "RELEASE IT!" He shouted, being sprayed with acid barf. All of a sudden, the house rocked as Rebecca farted. Seriously. Loudly. The priests stopped short, their jaws dropping.
The stench washed over all of them immeadiatly. She turned normal again, sighing. "Ah.. gas pains.." She muttered. Everyone's hair had been blown back, their clothes ruffled when she dropped the bomb, BIG TIME. Everyone looked terribly shocked, as a few flies fell from the air with little "Bzzts", dead.
"AYE CARUMBA!" Carlos shouted, breaking the long silence. Steve and Brad had just walked in the doorway when it happened, they looked terrified. Everyone fell to their knees, screaming and coughing, covering their mouths and noses with anything close. The computer spoke up, but coughed madly. "What in the hell is that stench!" The computer shouted. Nobody answered.
"....There is paranormal activity detected in the isles of the east side of the supermarket. Red will go in with a pair of high-tech goggles, and try to spot these detected forms. Brown will be the lookout. Navigation will be pink."
Rebecca grinned widely when she heard she'd be navigating Chris. She gave two thumbs up, with a big, ugly, toothy grin. "Golly! You can count on me, Chris!" She shouted gleefully. Chris sighed.
The team bid Steve a farewell.
Chris slowly made his way down the isle, it was totally silent. The only thing illuminating the darkness was his flashlight. Suddenly, a terribly shrill and annoying, yet familiar voice blasted over the intercom. "HI CHRIS!" Rebecca. "You've gotta go near the cereal section, 'KAY?!!" ...Chris decided not to answer.
Meanwhile, Carlos stood outside. He was doing the moonwalk, and singing a song to himself. He grabbed his crotch and screamed "OO!" throwing his other arm in the air like Michael Jackson.
Chris heard something. A box of cereal floated by, drops of glowing plasma floating after it. "...There's a flying cereal box..." He muttered into the intercom. But Rebecca responded with a shrill song of encouragement, that went like this: "Jeepers, creepers! Where'd you get those PEEPERS?!" She went on with the song. Chris screamed in horror, his ears bleeding. He ran like hell, the camera shaking madly as he screamed. The floating cereal box trailed after him.
He ran into a stack of paper towels and toilet paper, madly thrashing and rolling about before standing. All went silent, the radio being broken off.
Chris sighed in relief, before realizing the cereal box was following him-- along with a floating spatula. Chris screamed.
Carlos looked around, hearing Chris scream. "Oh, my!" He tried to use the intercom, but there was just static. Carlos stared down at the intercom and shrugged, continuing to sing "Shake Your BonBon" and dance around a street sign.
When the radio was put back up, there was silence. "Chris, you okay?" Jill's voice over the intercom, much better to hear than Rebeccas. "...Claire got into a fight with Sherry. Rebecca was cheering Sherry on, so Claire hit her in the head with a metal baseball bat..." She looked down at a knocked out Rebecca. "She's out cold.."
Chris sniffed the panties, before looking up and dropping them. His voice trembled. "I`m being chased by a cereal box... and a spatula..." Jill looked down at the intercom. "Well, just find something paranormal, not the floating stuff, but a person. "Oh, yeah." Chris responded, using those goggles. He was surrounded by a ton of old men in tight Speedos. He fell silent, his jaw clenched. He turned pale. "..I..I.. I f--found s..ome..." The old men closed in on him. Jill's voice again came over the intercom. "Go! and get Carlos, too.. where is he?"
Chris ran like hell outside, grabbing a wriggling Carlos by the sleeve and dragging him back.
"I`m cool with Carlos," Claire said; her name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "I`m quite entertained by his weird dancing and weird jokes. And it's pretty funny when Sherry and him fight."
"I hate Carlos," said Sherry, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen.
"He's a pervert, and always fuckin' flirts with Jill. And then he always fights with me. He'd better get some respect for others. And a brain." She took a swig of the bottle of alcohol.
"Carlos is pretty funny. I`m okay with him, I guess. But I get angry when he dances around me. Very angry." Said Chris, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen.
Jill sighed, her name appearing on the bottom of the screen.
"I met Carlos in Raccoon, and we became very close friends. I must say that he is quite odd, but he's still cool with me."
Brad smiled, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "Mmm..."
They entered the house and sighed. "Get some sleep," said the Leon voiced computer; "This night is over.. tomorrow, you will return to a new location. This location is the local McDonalds playpen." Everyone looked at eachother, most shrugging a bit. So they'd get some sleep, right? Yep.
Not that Chris had a good night's sleep. Half of the night Rebecca lay awake, in her terribly annoying voice singing the crappiest lullabies ever heard on earth. He lay awake that whole time, his eyes wide and red with weariness. He looked around the room, trying to ignore her. Steve had a big teddy bear in his arms, it's stomach having a rainbow, and reading "Mr. Wuggles". He hadn't left yet, he refused to. There was nothing they could do, so they let him stay. Brad repeatedly giggled in his sleep, sucking his thumb.. ech. Claire was pretty much normal. Carlos slept with his ass in the air, shaking it. Although he was asleep, he still managed to mutter and hum Ricky Martin and J-Lo songs, along with a few Michael Jackson tunes. Sherry had a bottle of alcohol in her right hand. Jill was half awake, because Carlos kept slamming his ass into her.
The next morning, everyone had risen early in the morning. Chris got only an hour of sleep, because of Mongaloid (Aka Rebecca).. from her lullabies to her unstoppable farting, it was enough to keep him awake. Brad kept reaching over, and rubbing his thigh. Almost twenty times in three hours, he'd punched Brad right in his stupid damned face. When the morning came, Brad was just.. bruised. His nose was swollen, and he had a black eye. Not that he cared, his undying love for Chris and all would keep him going....
All day. Boredom. They'd worked up a few events for entertainment, such as throwing Rebecca down some stairs (and she was perfectly fine with it, actually... she laughed insanely with the rest of them) and mud wrestling. That night, they'd had a grand feast before bed.
Rise and shine, 12 AM.
"Orange will go into the McDonalds playpen to retrieve the statue head of Ronald McDonald." The computer showed an image of the room, a dead man on the floor... the Hamburgler. "It was in this very spot that the Hamburgler had been murdered by ...that.. big fat.. purple.. guy. Yeah, so anyway, Orange has gotta scrape a sample of the blood off of the floor and put it in the jar. Bring it back safely, and you will stay in the game. Your look out will be yellow, navigator brown." Sherry was the look out. Claire sighed, and rolled her eyes a little bit. This was a bad situation, because Sherry was just a complete screw-up.
They got the gear on, and Chris wished her luck. He knew how she felt, the circumstances of Sherry. Poor sister, he thought to himself.
"AIII!" Carlos shouted into the intercom, startling the shit out of Claire. "Jesus CHRIST, Carlos, just tell me where the hell the playpen is, alright?!," She responded. "Aye aye, senorita! Aight, to your left should be a door with a poster of Marvin Gaye eating a Whopper.." He said. Claire paused, "Whoppers are in Burger King." There was a brief silence, before Carlos responded. Typing was heard in the backround. "Ohmybad. Big Mac."
Sherry took a long drag of the cigarette, her eyes completely bloodshot. She smiled to herself and coughed madly, blowing the smoke through her ears. She looked around, and waited for Claire to return, or call for her help. Oh, the publicity! "Twelve Year Old Girl Saves Nineteen Year Old Girl From Imminent Death at McDonalds".. Ah, yes, that was what the headline would be. Sherry readied herself.
"Go up the stairs." Carlos said, Ricky Martin and Chris screaming heard in the background. There was an extremely loud crash, and the music stopped short. Carlos screamed in horror, his boombox shattering and burning. Claire calmly made her way up the stairs, figuring that Chris just couldn't handle it anymore. She heard Rebecca singing "Livin La Vida Loca" in the background, along with an audible crack of a fist against her face, and a "Shut the HELL up!!" from Jill.
Claire entered the playpen, wide-eyed. She swung her flashlight about. "Alright, tell me what to do." She said into the intercom. "MON!" yelled Carlos, "Find the thing yourself! The whole point of it is to find it yourself, the computer ain't tellin me!" Claire responded furiously. "SCREW YOU, SPIC BOY!" "Oh yeah!?" "YEAH!" "Shut up WOMAN, go bake me a PIE!" "BAKE YOUR OWN PIE BITCH" "I`ll bake it and SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS." "Try me!" "I WILL, when you go to sleep! Dont be suprised to find a pecan pie in your ASS!" "FUCK off!" "Make me." "NO." "Oh yeah?!" "YEAH!" There was a long silence between the two.
Claire walked along the slide, terrifed of the McDonalds "M" logos printed around. She fell into the ballpit, and began furiously thrashing. "MY GOD! OH MY GOOD!" Sherry barged in, and dove in. "I`LL SAVE YOU!!" Claire smelled the cigarettes, drugs, and alcohol before Sherry even spoke. "No, SHERRY, get the FUCK outside!" "I MUST SAVE YOU, I AM YOUR SAFETY!" Claire screamed, leveling her face with Sherry's. "I`m FINE!"
Claire fell backward, flailing her arms. She sat in the ballpit, suddenly feeling a nose. THE RONALD MCDONALDS HEAD! No.. it was warm, and had snot in it. She detected a mustache. Her flashlight went to the source as she pulled her hand out.
A small label appeared at the bottom of the screen, reading "Claire Redfield". "Well, actually, I`m pretty annoyed by Sherry. She liked to fuck things up all of the time, and that seriously angers me. I cant do anything without her up my ass."
"Sherry... Sherry is just /really/ weird." A small label that read "Chris Redfield" appeared on the bottom of the screen. "Claire was all like," He put on a girly mock voice for what she said, "I met this little girl named Sherry in Raccoon, she's very cool and sweet and determined, I love her like a daughter..." He put it off. "And then I met her. She was so, so sweet. But she really changed after a while. She started dressing and acting differently, very differently. And now she's a mega crackhead."
"I got beef wit' Sherry!" Carlos shouted angrily, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen.. "I cant believe how she dissed me. She was so, so drunk though. I mean, everyone thinks I`m sexy, and she's all like, 'Eww!' at me, so I was all like 'Fuck yoouu!'"
Brad's name appeared. "Sherry's an oddball, that's all I can say." Said Brad.
Jill sighed, smiling softly, her name fading into the bottom of the screen. "I understand that she is a child, and she has a lot of stress on herself because of the death of her parents and what she has been through. However, I see that this has driven her to drugs, alcohol, and tobacco as a solution. I don't think that's right, she's only twelve years old..."
Slowly, very, very slowly; Barry's head protruded from the balls. He was halfway out, before putting a finger to his lips. Claire screamed in horror, like a child.
"What /iiiiiiissss/ this?" Claire and Sherry stared in disbelief, as he held up the statue's head. "God, thank you so much Barry...!" Claire shouted, grabbing the head. But he didn't let go. Claire frowned, pulling it again. He didn't let go.
"Eet'll costchu.." He said, whispering something to the both of them right after. Claire gasped in horror, smacking him. Sherry raised an eyebrow, so stoned. Sherry and Barry went into the back room. Woo-wee! "You go girl!" Carlos shouted over the intercom.
"AHH!! WHAT /IIISS/ THIS!!!" Barry screamed in horror, in the backroom with Sherry. He ran out screaming, shit splattered in his face. He jumped out a window.
Then and there, Claire knew.
She must kill Sherry.
She pulled a crowbar out of the janitor's closet, and slowly walked toward the entrance of the bathroom, holding it like a baseball bat. She jumped in and screamed, poised to attack.. when she saw Sherry doggy paddling in her own shit. "Let's play!" Sherry shouted, standing up and running to hug Claire, her shit-caked arms outstretched in front of her. Claire screamed in horror, bashing a naked Sherry in the head with the crowbar. "Are you my Daddy!?" She cried into the intercom. Carlos replied: "OH YEAH BABY!"
...Right. Claire repeatedly hit Sherry in her head, but she wouldn't go down. She fell backward into the shit and rolled around, eating it. She sat up and munched it, the flashlight shining in her face. She smiled madly, shit around her lips and jammed in between her teeth. She chewed with her mouth wide open, a broad grin on her face. Claire slammed the door. She had better things to do, and as far as she was concerned Sherry was gone from Fear. "We've uh, lost Sherry, Carlos. Count her as out of the game." "Aight," Carlos responded over the intercom. Claire held the Ronald McDonald head under her arm as she pulled a jar and a scraper-type thing out of her duffel bag. She knelt down before the dry blood. She scraped it off of the ground, and then made a run for it. "Alright, I`m comin' home.." Claire shouted over the intercom, running outside and toward the small house.
Everyone shouted gleefully when she came about. The next mission would be in an hour, so they had time to relax. "Sherry and Steve are both gone.. I wonder who's next?" Asked Jill, glancing around the room and skeptically at everyone. But everyone's gaze turned to Brad.
"Brad, they think you're next." Said Rebecca, giving off an annoying laugh. No response.
"Brad?" She asked. All of a sudden, everyone in the room perked up, calling his name. "Brad?" "Brad." "Brad..." "BRAD!!" No movement. Rebecca ran over, weeping. "Brad! Are you okay?!" She felt no pulse, and burst into tears. She cried like a baby, giving a long cry and then withdrawing like, five gallons of breath. Annoying, very annoying. So Brad was dead, for unknown causes.
Chris smiled inwardly. Wasn't spontaneous combustion awesome? He helped haul Brad, who was in a bodybag, to an ambulance. Rebecca had a fit, jumping off of the walls an screaming, pounding her fists into the wall. "He didn't even GET TO DO A MISSION!" She cried, repeatedly bashing her head into the wall.
"SHE'S GOTTA SHUT THE HELL UP." Said Chris, his name appearing on the bottom of the screen. "Why doesn't she lay off?! Addictive little clingy BITCH, I hope she gets a life. Because she needs one. BIG TIME."
Jill's name appeared on the bottom of the screen. "Excuse my French, but what a sh*tpissf*ckc*ntc*cksuckinmotherfu**ert*tsfartsturdandt*at. Yes, I`d prefer to have that all bleeped. Thanks." Said Jill.
"Weird..." Claire sighed, her name appearing and her gaze slowly trailing heavenward.
The next mission was posted. Carlos double clicked the message board, the Leon-ic voice speaking.. "Red and Green will go into the basement, and photograph paranormal things with these special cameras... I INVENTED THEM MYSEEELF! :D :D :D ...Anywho, they're special. This is because they can track down paranormal activity, and have infrared lenses. Pretty cool, huh? Pink'll be navigation, and orange will be safety."
Chris turned pale, his eyes wide. "N…no..." It came out silent, and he struggled to say it. "NO!!" He pounded his fists on the wall, uncontrollably screaming, incredibly struck with panic and fear. A mission with Rebecca was far worse than anything in the world. ANYTHING, except a mission with Brad. Both were equally terrifying.
"When I found out that I had a mission with Becca," Said Chris, his name appearing at the bottom of the screen, "I almost had a heart attack. Having a mission with her would be worse than HELL." Chris sighed, and screamed. "I HATE THAT DUMB ASS!!"
Now, Claire stood outside of the basement door in silence, smoking a cigarette and leaning against the wall. Rebecca was behind Chris, they were both walking down the stairs. Rebecca was oddly silent, wasn't she? Jill's voice came over the intercom. "Alright, you're going down the stairs, ey?"
"Yeah," said Chris as he glanced around the room. He heard a "BZZT!" behind him. Of course, it was Rebecca licking the camera for some weird reason. She'd electrocuted herself. "Rebecca, please… I really wanna kill you." The ghosts surrounded them in the darkness. "YOU WANNA KISS ME?!" Shouted Rebecca in her terribly annoying shrill voice; as she leaped on Chris and grabbed his shirt. "NOO!" Screamed Chris, thrashing to get away from the annoying teenager.
Chris whacked Rebecca in the face with the camera. She screamed and fell backward, landing sprawled out on the floor. She was completely overreacting, lying on her back and twitching, her tongue hanging out of her mouth. "Save me, Chris." She whispered melodramatically. He sighed, turning away from her. Suddenly, she grabbed his leg. She'd crawled to him, and looked up at him. Pus and drool-ridden lips puckered, repeatedly screaming. The ghosts held their ears and began screaming, too. Chris began screaming as well. Jill screamed over the intercom, Carlos in the background. Claire, outside, screamed as her lighter fluid ran out.
Chris was the first to stop. Over the intercom and at the people in the room, he screamed "SHUT THE HELL UP!" Everyone stopped. "Look, Rebecca, shut the hell up. You're an annoying little twat. I don't like you, just… please, get that through your thick skull." Rebecca screamed, and Chris began to maniacally stomp on her big head. Her screams died off, and her grip loosened. He'd killed Rebecca.
He looked around the room, at the stunned ghosts. "I killed Rebecca." He said very silently. "I KILLED REBECCA!" Everyone began to cheer insanely as the ghosts and Chris danced on her body.
When Chris returned to the house, his pictures consisted of party pictures of him, the ghosts, and dead Rebecca. Drinking, and feasting. They beat her body with sticks, and used her as a dance floor. They then duct-taped her to the wall, and played "Pin the Dildo on Rebecca's Corpse". "It looked fun," Said Carlos. "I wish I could have joined you." Claire stared at the alcohol and cigarettes. "...Why didn't you invite me, Christopher..." Chris arched a brow at her, pausing to look at her. "Um. What?"
Claire stared, wide-eyed, tilting her head to the side. Her two eyes came together to form one eye and fangs grew in her mouth. Her skin turned green, her one eye forming red cracks. Her ears pointed, and two more sets of arms slowly grew from her sides. Her head tilted to the side slowly more, her neck cracking as dark blue bumps appeared on her skin. She gained an alien-like voice… multiple voiced, manly.
"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US!" She shouted. "What you say!" Said Jill. "You have no chance of survive. Make your time..." Claire grinned broadly. "Hahaha." Jill held her head, looking on stressfully. Claire grabbed a few knives, and ran at Jill. "You are the evil one! Enemy of Bizorkshmaloop! DIE!"
The Transformers commercial theme ("Transformers, more than meets the eye!" "Transformers, robots in disguise!") played in the background as Jill morphed into a creature much like Claire's, but far different. Three asses formed, her legs turning into jets. She grew three more sets of legs to accompany the jets, her skin turning purple. Two eyes morphed into six, each yellow with a small red slit in the middle. Her ears pointed, and her jaw grew. The lower part was pushed out, she now having fangs larger than Claire's, and an overbite. However, her teeth were very yellow and rotten.
They both attacked at the same time. Carlos screamed, and pressed a button on his watch. "Going TURBO!" He shouted, metallic Max Steel music playing in the background. "It's time to save the day!" Leon was on the other line, heard in Carlos' earpiece. He wore corny glasses and had his hair gelled back. "Yo bro! Watch out for dos supah sensahs!" Carlos ran at them, surrounded by a glowing green light. But Claire just smacked him. Three deformed hands met Carlos' face, sending him flying back into the wall. "Owwiiees!" Cried Carlos, holding his face as he went un-Turbo.
Jill attacked Claire first, biting her. Both of them engaged in combat. Bite. Kick. Punch. Smash. Slash. Throw. Smack. Attack. Double-Whammy. Punch. Punch. Kick. Bite. Smash. Throw. Throw. Smack. Bite. Slap. Ass-slap. Double ass-slap. Bite. Kick. Scream. Punch.
There was an interlude, of the cast prancing in a field in slow motion. They wore ugly orange dresses and silk suits from the 50's. "You can dance if you want to, you can leave your friends behind…" Played in the background. They then all ran off of a cliff, which was in fact the Grand Canyon. In slow motion, they fell to the ground laughing and yellow gleefully. Then, there was a close-up of all of their faces. Terror spread across them as they looked down, and they screamed, still in slow motion. Their hair went up in a wave since they were falling, as did their clothes. Wide-eyed, they flailed their arms in the air as they helplessly struggled to grab onto a wall that was fifteen yards away. The camera slowly faded.
When it was all through, the room was destroyed and both were on the floor dying. Blood was splattered everywhere. Suddenly, Claire exploded. Everyone stood in silent, before Chris fell to his knees, hysterical. Jill turned back to normal and went to comfort him, but Chris smashed her over the head with a pillow a few hundred times.
Carlos stood in silence, watching, before he did the moonwalk. As he did, he said "You've been hit by, you've been struck by; a smooth criminal." He stopped moonwalking and grabbed his crotch with an "Ow!", throwing his other arm in the air.
That night everyone had a good night's sleep. For once. Chris, Carlos, and Jill had been the only people left. They slept in silence, Carlos still bouncing his air around in the air in his sleep. You know, these people had some really weird sleeping habits.
The next morning, everyone woke up to a silent and peaceful day. It felt weird to not have Sherry around, drinking and smoking. To not have Rebecca, singing terrible lullabies. To not have Claire around, to cook. To not have Brad pinching Chris' ass every so often, or feeling his thigh.
There really was no source of entertainment. All three of them sat on the couch, watching a 72 hour television marathon of The Wonder Years. They'd been watching for hours, and now they looked weary like zombies. Their mouths open, head down a bit, big cracks in their eyes. Carlos made a move on Jill, wrapping his arm around her. And then Chris did. Carlos and Chris tilted their heads back, narrowing their eyes at each other. Chris snuggled up against Jill. Carlos leaned against her. They stared at each other, again. Chris narrowed his eyes, pointing to himself. He then pointed his middle finger and index finger at his eyes; and then pointed at Carlos.
Carlos lifted his head, pointing to himself. Chris narrowed his eyes, nodding a little bit as he pointed at him, mouthing out "You." Carlos grabbed her left arm. Chris grabbed her right. "Look, she's MINE, I`ve known her longer than you, lover boy!!" Chris screamed. Carlos gasped. "WELL SHE LIKES ME BETTER, all of the foxy ladies love my sexy ACCENT!" Chris' eyes widened, and he pulled her arm. "No!" Carlos pulled on her other arm. "NO."
Jill screamed and shouted "Calm down!" and other words to cool them off, as they maniacally pulled her arms. All of a sudden, there was a skkrraaak and a spllluhchchchhhh. Jill's body tore in half from the middle, blood spraying all over Carlos and Chris.
"When Jill died, I was ready to fuckin' strangle that spic-a-roonie. He KILLED her, not ME. I mean, we both did it, but I didn't mean to. I bet HE DID! He's greedy, he just.. he wants all of the money! I KNOW IT." Shouted Chris after his name appeared on the bottom of the screen.
Carlos' voice was in the background as the camera moved over Jill's split corpse. "Chris, is a true bastard. He made me murder my Jill, and assisted in her dead. MY JILLY-POO. /My/ Jillian. And he killed her, so now we are mortal enemies."
The computer spoke up. "Now, there are two of you left." Chris screamed. "IS THERE GONNA BE A FACEOFF?! I wanna KILL Carlos, man!" Carlos looked outraged. "Shut the fuck up, white boy! I`LL TAKE YOU ON /ANY/ DAY." "Anyday?!" "Oh yeah, you bet, bitch!"
"Actually, I was just gonna give you both $5000 bucks…" Carlos and Chris grinned broadly, an insane look on their faces. "YES!"
So , they both got the money and stuff.
---Epilogue---
(SpongeBob Squarepants theme song plays in the background)
Leon spoke in the background, being the narrator.
Carlos boogied in a room of multicolored lights, wearing a big necklace with the peace sign on it, in gold. Michael Jackson boogied along with him.He wore clothes that you'd see in the 70's, as Michael Jackson music blasted in the club. There was a huge posted of Michael Jackson on the wall, autographed.
"Carlos founded his own private dance club, bought Michael Jackson, and married this guy." A picture of Nemesis appeared on the screen. He wore lipstick and earrings, his trenchcoat a housewife dress. "…They both had the ugliest child you've ever seen." A picture of Dario the writer popped up on the screen.
"Chris bought a military," Said Leon as the screen showed a huge group of armed men in the backyard of… "And a mansion." Chris' mansion. "He also bought a variety of weaponry used in World War II, and other utilities." Leon paused. "This is what he did." A picture of Carlos appeared on the screen, with Michael Jackson. They were both black, covered in soot with their hair blown back and wide eyes. A spot of black was where Carlos' private dance club had once been. "However, we all make mistakes…" The screen now had shown Mariah Carey doing her famous scream-sing. The windows in Chris' mansion were broken, in the process of breaking, or cracked badly. Chris' military was screaming, their heads bulging and blood flowing out of their ears. The walls of Chris' mansion were crumbling; and soldiers' heads were exploding.
"Claire. When she exploded, she went back to her planet." Claire sits on her native planet, in that disgusting alien form. She holds up a cocktail and smiles.
"Sherry, to this day, remains in that bathroom in McDonalds." A picture of Sherry doggy paddling by in a pool of shit runs by the screen, before being reduced and put into the bottom of the screen. The main picture is a Sherry "NOW", "MID", and "THEN" Now, she was a naked idiot backstroking in shit and eating it. Mid, it is her in tight leather, sitting on Nemesis' lap with a cigarette in her right hand, a bottle of alcohol in her left. Then, is her in RE2. Sweet, innocent, clean, cute, and wearing a sailor suit.
THE END!