TOW The Past Isn't At Rest
"You Were Mine"
"In My Arms" is sung by Mark Wills, and is on his album
"Permanently". None of the characters are mine. And as for all the
lines that come directly from the show...I didn't write them either. =)
Emma hated going to sleep. Chandler knew it as well as anyone. She didn't fuss
- usually - but she used all of her young strength to keep her eyes from
fluttering closed. Chandler often thought ruefully that she got her
stubbornness from Monica. But in a way, he was glad of it at moments like this.
It gave him an excuse to keep holding her and rocking her, and pretending that
he would never have to let her go.
Her eyes were glued to his face as he sang to her softly, his voice catching as
he struggled not to let the tears fall. He always sang this song to her, and
Emma loved it. (AN: It just seemed to fit...)
3 am on the clock
Lullaby music box
Oh, baby, please don't cry.
Let's let Mama sleep tonight.
You've only been home one day.
You don't even know your name.
Tiny hand on my cheek,
You're a miracle to me.
In the stillness of the night,
Cradled in this rocking chair,
I hold all my hopes and dreams
Every single answered prayer
In my arms...
With I could hold you forever
In my arms...
I will give you shelter
Still I know
I can't always be there
To protect you from this great big ole' world
But I swear this much is true.
There'll always be a place for you
In my arms.
As I watch you take each breath
Oh, it scares me to death
To know you're counting on me
To be the Daddy that you need.
Wounded knees and broken hearts
Learning how to drive a car.
When it's time for your first date,
Will I know just what to say?
When you find that one true love,
I'll put on my best smile,
And I'll try to hide my tears
As I walk you down the aisle
In my arms...
With I could hold you forever
In my arms...
I will give you shelter
Still I know
I can't always be there
To protect you from this great big ole' world
But I swear this much is true.
There'll always be a place for you
In my arms.
Oh, this promise I will keep
As you finally fall asleep...
In my arms.
As he sang the last lines, Chandler realized that Emma was indeed asleep. He
stood up slowly, careful not to wake her up, and carried her into his bedroom.
He lay down beside her on the bed, and lifted a tiny hand, wrapping her little
fingers around his thumb, and marveling at how perfect she was. She looked like
Monica. There was no doubt about that. And amazingly enough, she even slept
like Monica. He had thought it might be hard to love someone that looked so
much like a woman he wanted to hate, but he never stood a chance. From the
moment he saw her that very first time, he had fallen instantly, hopelessly in
love. And the feeling was mutual. Emma looked at him with innocent adoration,
the kind reserved only for a father. His heart was safe with her. She could
never break it.
Not like her mother did.
Chandler shook his head to keep from thinking about it, and carefully picked up
Emma and laid her on his chest. Her hands instinctively gripped the sides of
his shirt, and she shifted slightly before settling down again with a happy
sigh. He crossed his arms over her protectively and closed his eyes, thinking
that only one thing in the world could be better than this. But before he could
let himself imagine, he pulled himself back to the present and sighed. Emma was
here now. Wasn't that what mattered?
He lay there with his eyes closed, listening to his daughter's quiet breathing
and stroking her back gently. Eventually, she lulled him to sleep, and his
dreams - as they all-too-often did - took him back to the last time he had been
completely happy...
Fade to Chandler's Dream - Ten months ago...
Chandler gazed at Monica as she touched up her makeup, completely captivated by
her. He couldn't believe that in just a few short minutes, she would - he
hoped! - be his fiancée. Wait! Did he have the ring? He started frantically
searching his pockets, sighing with relief when he finally felt the small box
in his left inside jacket pocket. Okay, he had the ring, but Monica was looking
at him rather strangely.
"What are you doing?"
Okay, think of something, anything to say, so that she won't figure it out. Am
I really blathering about the pledge of allegiance?? Yep, that's romantic.
Thank God, the champagne is here.
Monica glanced at him worriedly and patted his arm.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes, yes, I'm good. Are you good? Are you great? Is everything, are you
per, perfe, perfect?"
God, she's going to think I'm an idiot. Will she marry an idiot? Well, she did
sleep with me in London, so maybe.
"Yeah, I'm okay." Her voice was perplexed, but she didn't appear to
want to push the issue. "Actually, I'm a little cold though. Can I have
your jacket?"
Chandler immediately started to shrug out of his jacket, but suddenly
remembered that a key part for the proposal he was about to make was secured in
the pocket. He pulled it back over his shoulders, and gave her an apologetic
glance as he stumbled through an excuse about being cold himself.
"If you thought you were going to be cold, you should have brought your
own jacket." She'd never believe that. When had he ever denied her his
jacket? "But, um, other than that, are you okay?"
Monica laughed slightly, appearing ready to chalk his odd behavior up to champagne...
which he noticed that she hadn't yet even tasted.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
Chandler smiled at her and sighed, leaning back in his chair and trying to
relax. He wanted this to be perfect, not for his sake but for hers. He looked
at her and tried a smile, hoping his nervousness wasn't apparent on his face.
"Yes, I'm fine. In fact I've been fine for a long time now and I think
that the reason is you."
Monica smiled her special smile, the one that was constantly convincing him
that she really did love him. "Aw, that's sweet!"
Okay, good sign. She likes me so far... Okay, so keep going, Chandler!
"Okay, um before I met you I had really...little life, and I couldn't
imagine growing old with-"
"Oh my god," Monica interrupted, her gaze going from him to the door
and back again. Chandler grinned, thinking that she had figured it out.
"I know, but let me finish."
"No, oh my god, Richard!"
Chandler stared at her in disbelief, amazed that she had just said Richard's
name.
"What? I'm CHANDLER."
Monica shot him a look, and gestured to the doorway. Chandler turned around
slowly, already knowing what awaited him. And sure enough...
"Oh, THAT'S Richard."
Chandler woke with a start, and realized quickly that he was in a cold sweat.
He looked down at Emma, who was still sleeping peacefully, unaware of her
father's living nightmare. At least she was undisturbed.
Chandler closed his eyes, his mind going back to that moment in the restaurant
when all of his dreams started to dissolve into this life he now led. He
couldn't help wondering what would have happened if Richard had never showed up
that night. If he had been thirty seconds later, she might have already said
yes. If they had gone to another restaurant, or gone a little earlier, a little
later. If he had only been cool and collected, and not babbled his way through
the beginning of his speech. There were so many "if only"s, and as
hopeless as he knew them to be, he couldn't stop forming all of these alternate
scenarios of the way things should have happened. And in every one, he and
Monica were married, and happy, and as in love as they had ever been. They
lived a life that didn't include Richard.
But, in reality, that wasn't the way things were. Richard was very much a part
of Monica's life, and that made him part of Chandler's as well. Or at least the
destruction of it. Thank God he at least had Emma. Richard could never take her
away. Not really. But Chandler, as hard as he tried to be, wasn't oblivious to
the fact that his daughter would grow up thinking of Richard as a father.
Chandler closed his eyes again, knowing he wouldn't be able to go back to
sleep. He tightened his arms around Emma, and tried not to let himself wonder
where Monica was at the moment, if she was with Richard, and whether or not she
was happy. And as much as he tried not to care... as much as he tried to
convince himself that the act he put on every time he was face to face with her
was how he really felt... he couldn't keep from whispering "I love
you" into the darkness, pretending the words were for Emma but knowing
that he still harbored a naïve wish that she would hear them, wherever she was,
and know...
**To make it fit with the story, change all the "she"s to "he"s. Thanks!**
I can't find a reason to let go.
Even though you've found a new love
And she's what your dreams are made of
I can find a reason to hang on
What went wrong can be forgiven
Without you it ain't worth livin' alone
Sometimes I wake up crying at night
And sometimes I scream out your name
What right does she have to take you away
When for so long you were mine…
Took out all the pictures of our wedding day.
It was a time of love and laughter
Happy ever after.
But even those old pictures have begun to fade.
Please tell me she's not real
And that you're really coming home to stay.
Sometimes I wake up crying at night
And sometimes I scream out your name
What right does she have to take you away
When for so long you were mine…
I can give you two good reasons
To show you love's not blind
He's two and she's four
And you know they adore you
So how can I tell them you changed your mind?
Sometimes I wake up crying at night
And sometimes I scream out your name
What right does she have to take your heart away
When for so long you were mine.
I remember when you were mine.
To Be Continued...