TOW The Past Isn't At Rest
"When He Wakes Up"
And now we begin to get into the real story…
Monica sighed as Richard closed the door behind them and followed her to the couch. The evening had been horrible. She'd gotten along fine with Michelle the first time around with Richard, but she was beginning to suspect that was because Michelle had been living far away and Monica never had to see her. And after the fateful phone call when Monica had heard Michelle's voice on Richard's machine, Monica had always felt just a little uncomfortable with her. But now, Michelle just seemed like a spoiled brat that enjoyed manipulating her father.
And then, over dinner, Michelle and her husband Paul had announced that they were pregnant – again. Monica hadn't missed the look that crossed Richard's face and the quick, worried glance he had shot towards her. She wasn't stupid – she knew Richard hoped she would be content to let Emma be an only child. So that look and Richard's unspoken apprehension had ruined any possibility of a nice evening that was left after she realized she would be a "grandmother" of sorts, not only to the unborn child, but to Michelle and Paul's two other children as well.
But the truth was, Monica had already decided that she wouldn't have any other children. Emma was enough, but not because Richard wanted her to be. Monica had realized as soon as Emma was born that she didn't want to share that experience with Richard. Even though she and Chandler were certainly not on good terms at Emma's birth – in fact, even worse than they were now, if possible – sharing that moment with him had almost made it all worthwhile.
Almost.
And to top the whole horrible evening off, she missed Emma. Terribly. All she could think about was Emma. For just a moment, she allowed herself to wonder if Chandler missed Emma this much when he was away from her, but she quickly pushed the thought away. There was no question about it. She saw it in his eyes every time she dropped Emma off or picked her up. And it haunted her, because in spite of everything, she had made the choice that made this their lives. No matter what else had happened to contribute to it – and Chandler certainly had to share in the blame – she had made the choice.
She glanced at Richard as she kicked off her shoes, wondering if he had any idea what she was thinking. Then she sighed and leaned over to kiss him softly, hoping to make up for her listlessness all evening. With the exception of his reaction to Michelle's news, he had done nothing to deserve her behavior. He loved her – she had no doubt of that. He couldn't help it if she…
Monica stopped her thought process abruptly and pulled away. She ignored Richard's hurt face and looked down at her hands, suddenly wanting to be by herself.
"Richard…I'm really tired. Maybe you should just go."
He nodded slightly and leaned over to kiss the top of her head.
"Honey…are you okay? You've seemed awfully distant tonight."
"I…I'm fine. I just, miss Emma, I guess. You know I hate it when she's gone."
"I can help you take your mind off Emma if you want me to…" Monica had to force herself not to roll her eyes at his not too subtle suggestion, and looked up at him with a wry smile.
"Sweetie, you promised we'd wait until after the wedding. It's only…less than two months."
"I know. But we haven't had sex in like, four years!" Richard smiled as he said it, and Monica had to laugh at the exaggeration. Well, it wasn't really an exaggeration – it was true. They hadn't had sex since they got engaged. Which meant they hadn't slept together since the last time they had tried being "racquetball buddies". She'd used the pregnancy as an excuse in the beginning, and though they both knew it wasn't a real excuse, Richard hadn't objected, not wanting to push the issue. Then, after the birth, there was an actual, medical excuse. And when the doctor had given her the okay, Monica decided that it would be romantic to wait until their wedding night. And Richard humored her, because he knew that he was lucky to be marrying her, no matter what the circumstances that had led her to him, and he didn't want to do anything to jeopardize that.
"Well, babe, if you've waited four years for me, you can wait two more months." Monica tried her best to sound lighthearted and teasing, but she really just wanted him to leave.
Richard leaned in and kissed her forehead, then took her hand.
"I think I'd wait forever for you."
Monica gazed back at him, then looked down at her hands as she twisted the diamond around her finger, not in the mood to be romanced. Richard sighed when she didn't respond, but he was used to these moods. She was right – she got like this every time Emma was with Chandler. Richard just hoped that these bouts of depression wouldn't last for the rest of their lives. Richard hated the fact that Monica's life would invariably be tied to Chandler's forever – but there was no way he could change that.
"Okay, sweetie, I'll go." He kissed her gently and stood up, letting one hand linger on her cheek. "Sweet dreams, Mon. I love you."
Monica looked up at him, knowing that she was going to have to say it back. She'd almost gotten used to it – saying "I love you" to someone other than Chandler. And some days – some days she even believed she meant it. But not tonight. Tonight she knew she didn't. And she found that she couldn't force herself to say the words.
"You too, honey."
Richard didn't miss the absence of the one essential word in the phrase, but he left without another word. He knew that he wouldn't feel secure until she had said "I do" and allowed him to slip the gold band he had bought last week onto her finger. He knew Monica well enough to know that once she was married, she would stay married at all costs. And he would be content to have her, even if he knew, deep down, that he didn't have her heart.
Monica rolled onto her stomach, trying to find a comfortable position so she could sleep away her loneliness. It wasn't working. She turned onto her side and glanced at the clock. 2:47.
Her gaze fell on her ring, lying on the table beside her watch. It was beautiful, and she knew that Richard had spent a lot of time and money trying to find what he thought was the perfect ring for her. She'd never tell Richard, but it wasn't what she wanted. Which was funny, because in all of the years she had spent dreaming about the perfect guy and the perfect wedding and the perfect family, she had never even tried to envision the perfect ring.
Monica shifted again, this time onto her back. She stared at the ceiling, wishing that Emma was home. Watching Emma sleeping had the same calming effect that watching Chandler had given her…before. Maybe it was because Emma looked so much like him when she was asleep. Or maybe it was because Emma was the only part of him that Monica had left to hold on to.
But that wasn't her own fault. Not completely. She and Chandler just weren't meant to be. She had believed that. How could she have chosen as she did if she didn't believe that? But, knowing how much Chandler loved Emma, and seeing how much her choice hurt him, she couldn't help thinking that she had made the wrong choice on that fateful night.
Ten months ago…
After Richard has "proposed" and after Chandler started his "I don't believe in marriage" act. . The conversation at the pizza parlor already happened, but Monica never told Joey about Richard wanting to marry her.
Monica left her bed as quietly as she could and crept into the living room, where Chandler was asleep on the couch. She looked at him carefully, noticing that his face looked relaxed and peaceful. Usually when she made him sleep on the couch, he looked upset or even sad when she quietly came out to check on him. But tonight he didn't seem at all affected by the fact that he wasn't in bed with her, or by the fight they'd had at lunch and again after dinner. And that made everything worse, because she considered this fight to be the worst ever.
She sat down on the coffee table and studied his face. How could he look so happy when their entire future was crashing down around them? He knew how much his comments had hurt her. She had told him – loudly – when he finally came home. He had dismissed her with a shrug, as if to tell her that she either had to live with views on marriage, or live without him. She just couldn't believe that her loving, compassionate Chandler had suddenly changed completely. Apparently that phone call from Hilde at the museum had sent him over the edge. She kept hearing his voice saying the same words over and over.
"Why would anybody ever want to get married, huh?… I think the whole concept of marriage is unnatural… And the clincher – his answer to her direct question…Are you honestly telling me that-that you might never want to get married? Well, never say never, but y'know, probably, uh yeah, never."
She didn't understand it, not at all, but he had made himself perfectly clear. He had no intention of marrying her. Ever. This was a dead-end. She wanted…she deserved…all of the things she had dreamed about all of her life. And that included marriage. It wasn't fair that the man she loved was unwilling to give that to her.
But a man she had loved once, before she knew how deep love could be…He would. He wanted to. And he had asked her to let him.
Monica gazed at Chandler for another long moment, his voice still running through her mind like a broken record. She wasn't even mad anymore. Not really. She was just…sad. She wiped away the tears and knelt down beside him, running her fingers through his hair. Then she kissed his forehead gently and stood up. Chandler slept on, oblivious to her presence, her tortured thoughts, and most of all to the decision she made as she gazed at his sleeping face.
The Present
Monica slowly opened her eyes and looked out into darkness. For a split second, she could almost feel Chandler next to her, and she stayed perfectly still for a moment, knowing that once she moved the illusion would be shattered.
She sighed as she rolled over and let her eyes fall on her engagement ring shrouded in green light from her alarm clock, which now read 4:18. She lay there staring at it until the bright numbers flicked to 6:00 and the radio blasted on.
And just as she had nearly a year ago, she made a decision.
When She Wakes Up Tim McGraw**Substitute "He" For "She" to make it fit with the story…**
With a trembling pen in handI try the best I can
To write all reasons I can't stay
And I hope she'll understand
I can't leave her like a man
'Cause a man would never leave her this way
A note of things I should've said
Lies beside her sleeping head
As I turn and make my way off in the night
By the time the morning's breakin'
My heart will
still be achin'
Every time I think of what I've left behind.
'Cause I don't want to see me leaving in her eyes
And I can't stand to watch her watch me make her cry
And I don't know a right way I can do her wrong
So I don't want to be here in the morning
When she wakes up and finds me gone
It hurts to know how much she'll hurt
I've told myself things could be worse
And I've convinced myself she'd better off this way
By the time she finds I'm gone
I'll be a long, long way from home
When she reads a note of things I couldn't say
'Cause I don't wanna see me leavin' in her eyes
And I can't stand to watch her watch me make her cry
And I don't know a right way I can do her wrong
So I don't want to be here in the morning
When she wakes up and finds me gone
Lord, I don't wanna be here in the morning
When she wakes up and finds me gone.
To Be Continued…