TOW The Past Isn't At Rest
Somewhere In My Broken Heart
AN: Okay, this is short, but the end just seemed like a good place to stop. This continues from where we left off, still in the "past". By the way, I don't think anyone but Joey ever knew about the "pretend you hate marriage" thing, but if they did, just pretend that they did NOT, okay? Thanks.
Chandler opened his eyes slowly, wondering groggily why he felt like he'd been run over by a freight train. He sat up straight when he took in his surroundings and realized that he was asleep in his old bed in his old bedroom in his old apartment. Then another glance reminded him that it was Rachel's room, and with that knowledge, all of the events of the night before flooded back and he sank against the pillow, trying to convince himself not to cry. Rolling onto one side, he stared at the door, wondering how long it would be before Rachel or Joey came in to check on him. Though he felt like he should want to be alone, he felt better knowing they were right outside and would walk in any minute. He didn't really want to be left alone.
He sniffed slightly as his thoughts – against his will – traveled across the hallway and into Monica's bedroom. He wondered if she was lying there, thinking about him. He wondered if seeing his watch on the bedside table last night had made her cry, or if she had tried to run after him to tell him it was all just…well, somehow that it wasn't really happening. He wondered if she had been cold in the bed by herself, and if she had hugged his pillow like she hugged him as she tried unsuccessfully to drift off to sleep. And then he wondered if she had been sleeping next to Richard.
A short knock on the door and it opened. Rachel, his saviour again. He looked up at her as she walked over to sit down next to him on the bed, pushing his hair off of his forehead in a worried gesture.
"Thinking about Monica, huh?"
He nodded, and rolled onto his back.
"Of course I am. I can't help it."
"Look, Chandler, Joey and I were talking, and… you know that you can stay with us, for as long as you need to. If you don't mind being right across -- And, I mean, give me some time and I'll move out and you can have your own room back if you want it."
Chandler glanced at Rachel, surprised. "What?"
"Well…it was yours for a long time after all. I don't think I'll move back in with Monica, but I'm sure I can live with Phoebe, or even get my own place."
Chandler stared at Rachel, suddenly realizing that she was right – he was homeless. He moaned and covered his face with his hands, as touched by Rachel's willingness to give him back his former life as he was devastated by the thought of returning to it.
"God, Rach, I hadn't even thought about where I'll live. But, there's no reason for you to move out. This isn't my apartment anymore. When I moved out, I thought… Anyway, I haven't told anyone about this yet, but…I was looking at a house, to give to Monica as a w, wedding present. It's not far, and it's small, but it's got three bedrooms and a huge kitchen…Not that I need any of that anymore, but, well, I've already made the down payment, so I guess I might as well..."
Rachel sighed and reached for his hand.
"Chandler…what happened?"
Chandler shook his head with a matching sigh, knowing that he couldn't answer the question when he didn't understand either.
"I don't know, Rach. I honestly don't know. I had the ring in my pocket, and I was ready to ask her. There was no way anybody could come into the apartment and ruin it, and…and somehow he still did. When she came home, she looked so serious. I thought she was still mad at me about the fight, but then she said…she said we needed to talk. So we sat down, and I tried to hold her hand but she pulled away, and I was about to explain why I had said all of those things about marriage, but she stopped me and said she was pregnant." Once he started talking, the words came in a rush, as if he couldn't stop them, and a separate rush of tears accompanied them. Well, at least he would have Rachel's sympathy.
"And you…?"
"I, I just sat there I
guess. I mean, that was about the last
thing I was expecting. But, Rachel, for a split second I was so
happy. You know? And just as I was thinking that life
couldn't get better, as I was reaching for the ring and about to get down on
one knee, she tells me she's going to marry Richard."
"Oh, sweetie…"
"And then I
realized that the baby that I had stupidly assumed was mine had to be his, and
I…I just blew up, Rachel. But I'm not
sorry. How – how could she? She's two months pregnant. Two months.
And who knows how long she'd been sleeping with him before she got
pregnant?"
Rachel frowned.
"I can't believe Monica would do something like that."
"Well, neither could I. But I guess we were both wrong. Isn't that funny? Her boyfriend and her best friend, both completely fooled. Makes you wonder if either one of us ever knew her at all."
Rachel shut her eyes, unable to look at his twisted face. But it was true. Maybe they'd never really known her at all. But Rachel knew she couldn't just leave it at that. Monica was her best friend, and surely…surely she wouldn't break Chandler's heart for no reason. She'd never seen Monica look at anyone the way she looked at Chandler, and Chandler was so…Why would Monica throw all of that away?
But the only reason Rachel had been able to come up with in six hours of hushed discussion with Joey was the one thing that seemed almost too impossible to believe. And yet they had agreed that it had to be the only explanation.
Richard had to be the father.
Monica hung up the phone, trying not to worry. She certainly hadn't expected Chandler to come home last night, but none of their friends had called to quietly assure her that he was okay, that he was with them and they would be taking care of him. And she was sure it wasn't a coincidence that no one was answering the phone either.
She looked at the door, trying to get enough nerve to go across the hall and find out if Rachel or Joey had at least seen him. But she really didn't want to. If they had seen him, then they knew. And Monica knew that Joey would hate her for Chandler's sake. No matter how loyal and compassionate he was, Chandler would always come first with Joey. And Rachel…Rachel would probably hate her too, at least until Monica explained everything. And if they hadn't seen him… Then she would have to explain why he had left, and she would have to see their disappointment in her and her decision firsthand. And besides, she had already decided that she would not tell anyone else that she had not been sleeping with Richard, and this child was not his before she had the chance to tell Chandler, in person. He certainly deserved to know first, and she didn't want the news that he was indeed going to be a father coming from anyone else. This was their business, and even though she knew the concern of their friends was out of love, she didn't want them involved in this…messy…situation. But who knew when she would get the chance to tell him? She knew that he would be avoiding her like the plague for as long as he could keep it up.
Probably forever if he had his way.
Monica bit her lip and stood up, her own stubbornness getting the best of her. She went into the bedroom, trying not to look at Chandler's things scattered around, and quickly pulled on sweat pants and a shirt. A moment later she was outside of Apartment 19, staring at the door. She tentatively reached up to knock softly, reminding herself over and over that they were her friends too and surely…
Joey. Monica knew immediately that he had at least seen Chandler, because as soon as his eyes fell on her, a slight frown crossed his face and his tired, worried eyes narrowed. He didn't say a word, just stared at her, waiting for her to state her business. Monica winced at the look, unable to believe that this was her lovable Joey Tribbiani. It was already obvious whose "side" he was going to take.
"Joey, is he here?"
Joey looked at her for a long moment, wondering to himself why she even bothered to act like she cared. But he could see sincere worry in her eyes and almost softened, until he reminded himself that his best friend had cried himself to sleep the night before, and that this woman was the reason.
"Yeah, he's here. But he doesn't want to see you. And I'm not so sure I want to either."
"Joey, please."
Monica touched his arm without thinking, and Joey looked down at her hand, wondering what he should do. As much as he wanted to hate Monica on Chandler's behalf, she was still Monica. He couldn't just slam the door in her face. Man, why hadn't Rachel answered the door?
"What do you want me to say, Monica? Chandler's here. Rachel and I can take care of him. Don't you think you should just go back across the hall?"
"I need to talk to him, Joey. Please."
"I don't think that's a good idea, Mon."
"Joey, you don't-"
Joey cut her off, his temper getting the best of him.
"No, Monica. Look, I walked into Central Perk last night and ran into my best friend literally unable to stand on his own two feet because you had completely shattered him. I wish you had seen his face, Mon. Maybe then you would know just how much he loves you. But you just have to understand that I'm going to respect his wishes. And that includes not wanting to see you."
Monica looked at the floor, her own heart aching as she listened to Joey's account of Chandler's broken heart. But…this wasn't all her fault. It wasn't. Maybe if she kept saying that to herself, she'd eventually start to believe it. Besides, if he really loved her so much, then why didn't he want to marry her? And how, HOW could he believe that she had been cheating on him?
"Fine, Joey. But will you tell him that I really, really need to talk to him? Please. It's…it's important."
Joey gazed at her and finally nodded his concession.
"Fine. I'll tell him. But that doesn't mean he'll want to talk to you."
"I know. And I don't really blame him right this minute, but please…tell him it's important."
Joey nodded, his face revealing his puzzlement over what could possibly be so important, given the situation. Monica gave him a slight smile and went back into her own apartment, shutting the door behind her.
She walked over to the table and picked up Chandler's jacket, which he must have discarded when he came home from work the night before. She lifted it to her face, breathing in the smell of his cologne, and then lay down on the couch, burying her face in his jacket while her tears for him fell.
She was glad he was safe, and she was glad that Joey and Rachel were watching out for him. He would have the sympathy and support of their friends while he tried to heal his broken heart. And that made her feel better.
But none of them would ever realize that her heart was broken too.
Somewhere In My Broken Heart
You made up your mind it was time it was over
After we had come so far.
But I think there's enough pieces of forgiveness
Somewhere in my broken heart.
I would not have chosen the road you have taken
It has left us miles apart.
But I think I can still find the will to keep going
Somewhere in my broken heart.
So fly, go ahead and fly…
Till you find out who you are.
And I, I will keep my unspoken
Somewhere in my broken heart.
I hope that in time you will find what you long for -
Love that's written in the stars.
When you finally do, I think you will see it
Somewhere in my broken heart.
Girl, I…I will keep my love unspoken
Somewhere in my broken heart
I hope that in time you will find what you long for -
Love that's written in the stars
When you finally do, I think you will see it
Somewhere in my broken,
Somewhere in my broken,
Somewhere in my broken heart.
So, can you tell that I'm a country music fan? I guess this kind of sad, depressing fic is just right for country lyrics. Anyway, "Somewhere in My Broken Heart" is sung by Billy Dean.