Sorry this part took so long, but I rewrote it like ten times, and I still don't think it's all that great. But, once I'm past THIS, I can get on with the rest of the story. Nothing much happens, but there's a few little important things. I think. Just pay attention to Monica's part, because there's on paragraph that might explain why she's being so stubborn about marrying Richard! Well, anyway, maybe the next part will be better.
We continue a couple of days after we left off – which means we are still in flashback mode.
Chandler stood outside Apartment 20, staring at the doorknob. He knew she wasn't there – he'd asked Rachel to check first and make sure – but he still couldn't seem to find the strength to go in. Waiting for him behind the door were visible memories of the greatest love of his life, and convincing himself that he was ready to face them was a task he still hadn't accomplished after three days of lying in Rachel's bed, staring at the ceiling.
With a deep sigh, he picked up the four boxes nested inside each other and walked into the apartment he had once thought he would always love. Even after he made the down payment on the house he thought was just perfect for him and Monica to start out in, he'd known that he would insist that they keep the apartment – for the sake of the memories he and Monica had there.
He looked around briefly, thinking how odd it was that the apartment could look so much the same, when everything in the lives of its occupants had changed – and the life of one was completely falling apart.
He by-passed the kitchen quickly, knowing that there was nothing there of his except maybe a beer in the fridge. He glanced around the living room. He'd get Joey to come back and help him move the barca lounger later. Or on second thought, maybe he should leave it there just to annoy Monica…
He shook his head and headed for the bathroom. That, he thought, would be easy. What's sentimental about shaving cream and toothbrushes? But as soon as he walked in, he knew he'd been wrong. He could smell her – that mixture of shampoo, perfume, and body wash that had always driven him crazy.
Chandler hurriedly grabbed his electric razor off the counter – Monica hadn't put it away? - and fled the room, deciding that anything else wasn't important enough to look for. He tossed the razor in one of the boxes and turned to look at the door to their bedroom. This was the hard part.
He walked slowly across the room and opened the door. Then he stopped, surprised at the sight that greeted him. The bed was unmade, Monica's shoes were lying beside the bed, and there were clothes strewn around the room, looking as she had just thrown them up in the air and let them land where they would. He'd NEVER seen the room like this – well, except for after an especially wild night. But even then, Monica would certainly not leave it like that!
He shook his head and walked over to the closet. As quickly as he could, he removed the clothes hanging on his side, and threw them on top of the jumbled blankets on the bed. A couple of pairs of shoes went into a box, and he yanked his entire tie rack off the back of the door and threw it in on top.
Rachel had emptied most of the dresser when she came over to get him clean boxers and some sweats, so there wasn't much left in there. He checked the drawers to be sure, and pulled out some stray socks and t-shirts. His eyes fell on a familiar gold bracelet resting on top of the dresser, and he stopped to wonder distractedly what Monica would do with all the things he had given her. She wouldn't wear them anymore – would she? Would she toss them in a box for Goodwill? Maybe she'd just pass them on to Rachel… Or would she hide them away in a box, far from Richard's eyes, and keep them to remember? Did she want to remember? Or would she spend the rest of her life trying to forget, like he couldn't help but think he would?
He quickly grabbed his watch and a few other things from his bedside table, then paused as his eyes fell on the frame that rested on top. Monica had made it for him on one of their monthly anniversaries, saying it was a make-up present for the Valentine's Day they had both screwed up and ended up dancing to Janice's singing. The frame was simple – silver with a heart engraved at the top. Inside the frame, Monica had put together several pictures of them and made it into a collage of sorts – there was a picture Phoebe had snapped in Vegas of them holding hands and smiling at each other, and one Chandler had asked Joey to take while they were still a secret from everyone else, so that he could put it in his office. She'd somehow gotten a hold of pictures from Ross and Emily's wedding, and had added one of him walking her down the aisle the day after that oh-so-fateful night. A couple of other pictures were from Before…and he had smiled as he looked at pictures of him cuddling with her on a couch, with Joey and Rachel on each side of them, or playing poker at the kitchen table, long before their romance was even a possibility. Across the bottom of the pictures, Monica had written in a silver glitter pen, "My Prince…My Soulmate…My Friend." And he had almost cried, because the sentiment fit them so perfectly.
Chandler glanced at the pictures one more time, then hesitated before placing the frame carefully in the box. At least he could take some small part of her with him – some small indication that maybe she had really loved him once upon a time. With a sigh, he reached into his pocket and pulled out the tiny velvet box that held her ring. He opened it carefully, and gazed inside for a moment before popping it closed again. He knew exactly what he wanted to do with it now.
He was heading for the door with the last two boxes when he saw the letter, resting on the kitchen table with his name written in all-too-familiar script. He stood there staring at it for a moment before slowly placing the boxes on the table beside it and picking up the envelope, wondering what she could possibly have to say to him now. Probably whatever she had told Joey was so important. He stood there, thousands of possibilities for the words inside running through his head, but none of them seeming very likely. Finally convincing himself that he didn't care – that it was probably just some contrived apology for breaking his heart, some clichéd words about how she had never meant to hurt him – he fought the urge to tear it into pieces and left it unopened on the table, dropping his keys on top. He stared at them in bewilderment for a long time as he realized just what leaving his keys on that table meant. His life with Monica was over. And his friendship with Monica was over as well.
For as long as he could remember, she had been there, caring about him when it seemed like no one else did. He wouldn't have that – not anymore. No more special smiles and warm kisses when he got home from work, no more gentle caresses on his knee to remind him without words that she loved him, no more sweet cards tucked into his briefcase to make him smile… It was all over. She would do those things for someone else from now on.
He turned away from the table and cast on more look around the place he had always been happiest. With a soul-wrenching sigh, he picked up the remaining boxes and walked out, pulling the door closed behind him and leaving his life behind. He had no intention of ever walking through that door again.
Monica walked in the door, half-expecting and fully-hoping Chandler would still be there, slowly filling up boxes and drowning himself in memories. Instead, she found an apartment that didn't look much different on the outside, but already felt colder. She was too late. He was gone.
She glanced anxiously at the kitchen table, and her heart sank when she saw that the white envelope was still there. She picked it up, noticing that it hadn't been opened, and then dropped it back on the table. So he still didn't know. She picked up his keys and turned them over in her hand, remembering the first time he had tried to open the door with his own set of keys. Maybe the door locked between them should have been taken as a sign after all.
She sighed and walked over to the couch, unconsciously resting a hand against her stomach as she sat down. She had no desire to inspect the rest of the apartment to see what he had taken with him. His things didn't matter. All that mattered was that he was never going to tug on her apron strings while she fixed dinner, write "I love you" in the steam on the mirror while she was in the shower, play with the ends of her hair when they were sitting next to each other in the coffee shop, or be there smiling at her when she opened her eyes every morning.
He was gone.
Monica sighed again, trying not to think about the fact that this was what she had chosen. But he had chosen too, and as far as she was concerned, not wanting marriage meant not wanting her. And…and what if he didn't want a family either? It was too late to avoid it, but Chandler could still make the decision not to be a father. She couldn't imagine him not wanting to acknowledge his own child, but…well, she had never figured him for a "Why buy the cow?" kind of guy, either.
And it would certainly explain why he was so quick to believe she had cheated. If he pushed fatherhood off on Richard, he could avoid responsibility. He'd probably never even know how much it hurt to know he believed she could do that to him, that he didn't think she was any better than Janice or Kathy.
Monica closed her eyes, not wanting to think about it anymore. She stood up and slowly walked over to the window, gazing out at Ross's apartment building next door. Just four days ago – less than a week – she had looked out the same window, thinking that life probably couldn't get better. But now she could only wonder how everything had gone so completely wrong.
Her head jerked up at the knock on the door, and she raced to answer it, hoping that just maybe…
But it was Rachel that stood there, her face rather pale.
"Oh…Hi, Rach." Monica looked at her curiously, wondering what she wanted, and noticed that her eyes were read and puffy. Monica tried to still her racing heart, knowing that something was wrong.
"Rachel…what is it?"
"I…I think you should read this."
Monica took the sheet of paper from her hand, her heart dropping. She knew what it was going to say before she even glanced at the handwriting.
"Joey, Rachel, Phoebe, and Ross,
I'm sorry to leave without saying goodbye, but I knew you would try to convince me to stay. And I can't. Not right now. Don't worry, I'm coming back…eventually. I'm going to go spend some time with my mom. Can't tell you where I'll be, because I don't know yet myself. But I'll be in touch, guys, I promise.
I know you're all going to think that I'm running away. And maybe I am. But, the truth is, I've thought this all through. Joe, do you remember when Janice was cheating on me with her husband? (Could that be any more ironic?) Well, you told me that if it was you, you wouldn't want to be the guy that broke up a family. And I decided then that I wouldn't be. I'm making that decision again – as if Monica ever gave me a choice – but I won't stand by and watch. There's no place for me here, not right now. And I don't want to put tension on all of you to take sides or balance things out. I know how awkward these situations can get, and I don't want any of you to avoid Monica for my sake. Tell her that I'm glad she's finally getting what she wanted…and that if I had it in me, I'd wish her happiness. But I don't. I do, however, hope that the baby is healthy and that everything goes okay.
I honestly don't know when I'll be back. I took a six-month leave of absence from work, but…I've also got some vacation time coming. I'll miss you guys, and I'll let you know when I'm on my way back.
Take care of yourselves.
Love,
Chandler
P.S. Joey – you can have my barca lounger. Monica will just throw it out anyway.
Monica sank into a chair as she finished the letter and looked up at Rachel, who was close to tears.
He was gone.
And six months or longer might be too late.
The Present…
Monica rifled idly through the wedding invitations on her kitchen table. They were all stamped, addressed, alphabetized by last name, and ready to go. And on the invitation inside, her parents "requested the presence" of all of her friends, her parents' friends (who also happened to be most of Richard's friends) and their families at the marriage of their daughter to probably the last man in the world they would ever want her to marry. Monica had to laugh as she thought about Richard's "best man" debate. He couldn't ask his best friend, of course, because Jack would be giving his daughter away. And he couldn't ask his son, because Tim had kissed his future stepmother. Richard had finally settled on Ross, mostly for Monica's sake, but also because he had wanted to avoid asking Paul at all costs. Monica had smiled when he commented that he needed to make some new friends that weren't connected to her, and thought sadly that she had friends that hated Richard for all he was worth. She had been surprised, in fact, that Ross had accepted Richard's request to be his best man. And she still wasn't sure Joey and Phoebe would show up at the wedding, even if they had eventually started speaking to her again.
She and Richard had spent so much time making up the guest list and addressing the invitations. They were going to be mailed next week. That, to her, had been the point of no return. Short of saying the wrong name at the altar – which, given her bloodlines, was certainly not impossible - nothing could stop the wedding once the invitations had been mailed.
Monica picked up the invitation addressed to "Mr. Chandler Bing and Guest", still not sure that she should have put his name on one of these. The only reason she had even considered inviting him was because she thought he might like to see Emma all dressed up. Ross was supposed to hold her, so that she could be a part of the ceremony. Maybe she had foolishly envisioned him jumping up and announcing that he objected, that she couldn't marry Richard because she really loved him. Well, if he had, he would have been right. She couldn't marry Richard if she still loved Chandler.
She was just opening the door to go across the hall and talk to Rachel when the phone rang. She picked it up with an audible sigh, bracing herself. After the morning's events, she knew she would be getting a lot of calls from people she would rather not talk to.
"Hello…"
"Mon, it's Chandler. Listen, I don't want you to panic, but I'm on my way to the hospital with Emma."
Disregarding his warning not to panic, Monica did just that as her heart nearly stopped beating.
You're Gone
Diamond Rio
I said, "Hello, I think I'm broken."
And though I was only jokin'
It took me by surprise when you agreed.
I was trying to be clever
For the life of me, I never
Would have guessed how far the simple truth would lead
You knew all my lines
You knew all my tricks
You knew how to heal that pain no medicine can fix
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that he let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better for the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone.
Lookin' back, it's still surprising
I was sinking, you were rising
And with a look you caught me in midair
Now I know God has his reasons
But sometimes it's hard to see them
When I awake and find that you're not there
You found hope in hopeless
You made crazy sane
You became the missing link that helped me break my chains
And I bless the day I met you
And I thank God that he let you
Lay beside me for a moment that lives on
And the good news is I'm better for the time we spent together
And the bad news is you're gone.
And the bad news is…you're gone.
AN: This is THE best song, even if it's sad, and don't you think the beginning sounds like Chandler? "Hello, I think I'm broken…"? By the way, I desperately tried to figure out a way NOT to make Chandler leave, but then how would Monica keep from telling him he was the father? I thought about just having her sooo mad because he thought she had cheated that she just kept putting it off, but that seemed a little too unlikely. So please don't yell at me for having him run away, okay? Like he said, he has his reasons. And one is so that he doesn't find out about Emma too soon!
To Be Continued…