TOW The Past Isn't At Rest (Chapter Eight)
"We Could Have Been"
Monica raced into the emergency room, every heartbeat seeming to scream out her daughter's name. Chandler had tried to tell her he didn't think it was serious, but of course she was out of her mind with worry anyway. A quick glance around the waiting area revealed no Emma and no Chandler, so she headed for the admissions desk, wanting nothing more than to hold her daughter and reassure herself that Emma was fine.
"My daughter…Emma Bing…where is she?"
The nurse turned to the computer, but before she could look up the name, Monica felt a hand on her shoulder and turned around to see Chandler. She looked up at him, terrified of the news he had for her, but relaxed slightly when he gave her a lopsided grin.
"She's okay, Mon. She has a high temperature but they're trying to get it down now. The doctor said it's just an ear infection."
Monica finally breathed, and threw herself into Chandler's arms, tears of relief running down her face.
"Oh, Chandler, I was so scared."
Chandler hesitated before letting his arms encircle her. "I was too, Monica. She woke up crying from her nap, and when I picked her up, she was so hot… I just knew I'd done something wrong. But the doctor said that all babies get high temperatures when they get sick. I guess you would have known that."
Monica suddenly realized how tightly she was hugging him and reluctantly pulled away, looking up into his still-worried face.
"No…well, I guess I did know that, but you did the right thing by bringing her here. Better paranoid and compulsive than wrong."
"Yeah, that's what I thought."
Monica glanced at Chandler again, wondering where Emma was if she wasn't with him.
"Where is she?"
"Over here. I saw you run in and came out to get you. She'll be glad to see you."
Chandler opened the door for her, and Monica walked in, happy to see that Emma was lying peacefully asleep in the small crib, no tubes or machines in sight. The doctor looked up when they entered, and gave Monica a warm smile.
"You must be Monica. Chandler's been almost frantic waiting on you to get here. I'm Dr. Bennett, by the way."
Monica glanced curiously at Chandler, and noticed that he was blushing slightly. She smiled at him, and walked over to Emma's crib.
"She's okay?"
Dr. Bennett smiled and gently rubbed the top of Emma's head.
"She has a little cold, but other than that, she's just fine. We got her fever down, and the only thing left to worry about is making sure she gets plenty of fluids over the next couple of days."
"Can I hold her?"
The doctor smiled and stood up.
"Of course. I'll leave you alone with her. But we want to keep her here for another hour or so, just to make sure her fever doesn't rise again. Even though she's not really sick, a high fever can still be dangerous."
Monica nodded, too preoccupied with lifting Emma out of the crib to glance up, and Chandler put out his hand to shake the doctor's.
"Thanks, Dr. Bennett. We appreciate it."
The doctor nodded and left the room, smiling as he went. After some of the things he saw day-to-day in a New York emergency room, seeing parents that actually cared about their children and were so concerned about little things like fevers gave him hope for the world.
Chandler walked over to Monica and put a comforting hand on her back as he reached out to stroke Emma's cheek. She was still sleeping. He gazed at his daughter for a moment, feeling a lump start to form in his throat as he thought about how worried he had been. And Monica…he glanced at her face and noticed the tears running down her cheek. He laughed slightly and pulled both Monica and Emma into a hug.
"Don't cry, Monica. She's fine."
To his surprise, Monica leaned into him, welcoming his comfort but careful not to smother Emma between them.
"I know. I don't know why I'm crying."
"It's okay, Mon. I've seen you cry before. Many times."
Monica nodded in silent agreement, then moved away from him. Seeing the longing look on his face, she placed Emma in his arms, and stood back, watching him. He immediately lifted Emma to kiss her forehead, and cradled her close, a smile crossing his face. He really was a great father, especially given the short amount of time he'd had to get ready for fatherhood.
"Chandler…" Monica paused as he looked up at her, trying to decide if she really wanted to risk ruining a rare moment when they weren't at each other's throats. This was, after all, the most civil conversation they'd had since Emma was born. Deciding she might as well take advantage of their temporary truce, she took a deep breath and blurted out what she was thinking, hoping that he would take it as the honest question it was and not as an invitation for a fight.
"When I told you…that you were Emma's father…what were you thinking? I mean, we never really talked about it…"
She saw the mild flash of surprise in his eyes before he looked back down at Emma with a slight shrug.
"I…I don't know, Mon. I, um, I think I was too shocked to think anything."
"Oh. Okay." So he didn't want to talk about it.
"I mean, you did just kind of blurt it out, Monica."
Well, maybe he did. She glanced at him, relieved that his voice held no sarcasm or spite, just reflection.
"Yeah. I guess I did. But I was afraid you would leave again…before I could..."
Chandler nodded slowly. He almost had. And if he had left that night, he wasn't sure how long it might have been before he came back. He looked down at Emma again, his heart thumping as he thought about how close he might have been to not being there with her in his arms. If Monica hadn't just "blurted it out", he probably would have never stopped to listen. And then he might have missed out on…everything.
Four months ago (Well, at least it's not still TEN!! That would make this flashback, ironically, about six months after Chandler left. Imagine that!)
"Yeah, yeah. Okay, I'll be right there. Sure. Okay, bye."
Richard hung up the phone and looked at Monica apologetically.
"Babe, I've got to go. One of my patients got a shard of glass in his eye."
Monica winced and squinted her eyes closed at the very thought.
"Please don't tell Rachel that. She'll wear safety goggles for a week."
"Okay, I promise." Richard smiled and kissed her cheek. "I'll see you tomorrow?"
"I'll be at your office at 12:30 for lunch unless I'm in labor."
"Okay, it's a deal." Richard kissed her on the lips and headed for the door, but Monica managed to get up in spite of her heavy stomach and followed him – not so much to bid him goodbye as to lock the door behind him. Now that she lived alone, she just didn't feel as safe with the door open all the time.
Richard kissed her one more time as he opened the door.
"Good night, Mon. Love you."
Monica didn't answer. She was staring past him into the hallway, an expression of pure shock on her face. Thinking that it was the baby, Richard reached out to steady her, trying to decide if it was closer to call 911 from her apartment or to beat on Joey and Rachel's door and make them do it.
But Monica wasn't grabbing her stomach, or giving any indication that she was in physical pain. Richard turned around slowly, his stomach dropping when he saw what had caught her attention.
"Chandler…"
Chandler was staring back at Monica, his face frozen into the same expression. Richard saw his gaze shift briefly to Monica's expanded front, then back to her face. Unsure of what he should do, Richard just stood there, watching them stare at each other.
Chandler snapped out of his daze first. He glared first at Monica, then at Richard, and gestured angrily to the two of them.
"Oh, please, don't let me interrupt."
Neither Richard nor Monica responded to that. Monica was still in shock, and Richard was trying to figure out what he was supposed to do. Deciding that a quick exit was a better option than risking Joey coming out to join in on the standoff, he mumbled "I was just leaving" and headed for the stairs just as Monica regained control of her senses, not noticing or caring that Richard had left.
"You…You're back."
"Oh, you noticed I was gone? I figured you'd be too busy planning your wedding to care."
"Of course I cared," Monica answered quietly, trying not to let him see how much the bitterness in his voice affected her. "Chandler…I really need to tell you something."
Chandler sighed heavily. "I don't want to hear it, Monica. I just came by to tell Joey and Rachel I was back. I was hoping I wouldn't run into you, but now that I have, I'd rather just leave it at that."
"But you have to –"
"No, Mon. I don't have to."
"Yes, you do." The tone of her voice made him turn back around. She was looking at the floor, and her voice shook as she started to speak, quickly so she could get it all out before he escaped. "You just…you need to know. The baby's yours, Chandler. In a few weeks, you're going to have a daughter."
He took an involuntary step toward her, his eyes wide and incredulous. Monica pulled her eyes up to his face, hoping to see some sign of happiness, or at least of acceptance and understanding. But his face was blank, his eyes shrouded with disbelief. She reached out a hand to touch his arm, but he flinched and jerked away from her.
"Are you sure?" His voice was strained and his mouth didn't move as he spoke. As soon as Monica nodded, he collapsed against the wall, all of his strength seeming to drain away.
"Of course I'm sure. You're the only…since London, Chandler. I wasn't sleeping with Richard. I wouldn't…There was only you."
As her words got through to him, he felt like crying. He'd made a huge mistake. The baby…the baby was his after all. His and hers. They were going to have a little girl.
"Oh my God…"
The Present…Chandler watched Monica carefully as she stared at the floor, just as she had that night. He felt as if he should say something, but he wasn't sure what. He was so afraid that he would say the wrong thing and this silent agreement between them to just get along for now would be over and they would be fighting again…trying their best to hurt each other, to get revenge for all the pain the other had inflicted.
Sometimes it was hard to remember that they had been friends once. And even harder to remember that there was a time he would have protected her with his life, when he would have given her anything. Emma was the only person in the world who could claim that devotion from him now. But once…
"I was happy, Monica." She looked up, and he realized that she had been crying again. He wanted to ask her why, but he didn't dare. She wiped the tears impatiently off her cheeks, trying not to bend that statement into everything she wanted it to mean, and looked at him, waiting for him to continue.
"If you're asking me if I was happy…I know I didn't act like it when you told me, but…I was."
Monica smiled slightly and wiped at her eyes again.
"I was happy, too," she whispered, just as Emma stirred in Chandler's arms and opened her eyes. Monica reached for her, glad for the interruption and the chance to compose herself.
"Hi, sweetie. Oh, Mommy and Daddy were so worried about you…Are you feeling better now, sweetheart?"
Emma yawned sleepily before focusing blue eyes on Monica's face and rewarding her mother with a smile. Monica stroked her still-warm cheek with concern, then looked up at Chandler, who was standing close beside her, rubbing Emma's hand with one finger, and smiling down at his daughter like she was the only person in the world. Touched by the look on his face, Monica just watched him, wondering how she could have ever thought that Chandler might run from his daughter…and allowing herself to wonder fleetingly what might have been if he hadn't run from her.
We Could Have BeenBryan White
Today at work, I overheard a name
I knew it wasn't yours
But it touched me just the same
It felt so good to have you in my mind
Guess I'm the sentimental kind
Oh, I wonder who you became
Did you change the world,
Or play the game?
We came so close to love back then…
We could have been.
You were so brave
When I was shyI made you laugh
But something made you cry
And I don't think we ever said goodbye…
And now I'll always wonder why
Oh I wonder who you became
Did you change the world,
Or play the game?
We came so close to love back then…
We could have been.
A time or two, I thought about callin'
But something always gets in the way
Maybe I'm afraid you'd really answer
What would I say to you?
Oh, I wonder who you becameDid you change the world,
Or play the game?
Oh, we came so close to love back then…
We could have been.
To Be Continued… (I think this is going to be long…)