TOW The Past Isn't At Rest Chapter 9: We Can't Unmake Love, a friends fanfic

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter Nine

"We Can't Unmake Love"

Though it was Chandler's weekend with Emma, they took her back to Monica's apartment without any real discussion. Monica was too distraught to remember that Emma was supposed to be staying with Chandler, and Chandler knew that Monica needed Emma as much as Emma needed Monica. Besides, Monica's apartment was closer.

Chandler waited, with a sleeping Emma in his arms, while Monica unlocked the door, then followed her slowly into the apartment he had once sworn he'd never enter again. That, of course, had been before he knew that he was going to share a child with Monica. He'd broken that promise to himself the day Emma was born, and he had been back a few times since to pick her up or to bring her home, but he still hated walking into that apartment.

Monica noticed his reluctance, but didn't comment. She motioned for Chandler to take Emma into her bedroom, then followed him into the room, watching as he kissed her forehead and laid her carefully in the crib. She was jealous…she had to admit it. And of her own daughter. She was jealous that he loved her so much, that he was willing to give Emma his whole life, when he hadn't been willing to give it to her. She knew it was ridiculous, and she hated it. Chandler was Emma's father, and that was completely different. But she was still jealous.

She walked out into the living room and sat down on the couch. Chandler joined her a moment later, standing uncertainly in the living room, wondering what he should do. He didn't want to leave while Emma was still sick, but now that she was asleep there didn't seem to be a good reason to stay.

"I…I guess I'll go see Joey. I'll be across the hall if she wakes up."

Monica looked up, startled.

"You don't have to go."

Chandler shrugged, a little surprised that she wanted him to stay, but still uncomfortable. It was too easy to look around and remember a time when he had been happy. And he just didn't want to remember.

"I…Maybe it's best if I do."

Monica nodded slowly and looked down at her hands.

"You don't like being here, do you?"

He laughed softly, thinking sarcastically that he didn't know how she would ever come to this conclusion.

"No, I don't. I would think you of all people would know why…"

"Chandler…do you regret it?"

"Regret what?" he asked hollowly, not wanting to have this conversation.

"Us," she answered directly, her eyes telling him that she did want to talk about it. Unable to find an excuse not to answer that wouldn't hurt her or make her angry, he sat down reluctantly next to her and stared at the blank t.v.

"Why do you ask?"

"Well…if we hadn't been together, none of this would be happening. We'd still be friends…"

Chandler nodded. Of course he had thought of all that. But if he and Monica had never been together, he would have missed out on a lot, too. His love for her had brought him as much happiness as it had pain, and as much as the memories hurt, he would always treasure them. And most importantly, if there had been no Chandler and Monica, there would be no Emma.

"No…I don't regret "us", Mon," he finally answered. "If nothing else, that little girl in there is enough reason to be glad that "we" happened. No matter how it turned out, we can't unmake love. And I, for one, wouldn't want to."

There was silence as they both pondered that. Then Monica spoke softly.

"That's what you said when she was born. We can't unmake love."

Chandler nodded. "I remember."

"Chandler… I don't regret it either. I wish things were different…but I don't regret it. And you're right. Emma makes it all worth it. The day she was born…that was the greatest day of my life."

Chandler laughed slightly, trying to ease the tension in the room.

"That's not what you said at the time."

Monica narrowed her eyes at him. "Well, I don't see you giving birth!"

"Hey, you don't have to lecture me. I was a nervous wreck, remember?"

"Yeah…" She paused and looked up at him, her eyes wistful. "But I was glad you were there."

"Me too.,,"

Three and a half months ago…(About two-three weeks after Monica tells Chandler he's the father)

Chandler ignored the horns beeping at him as he ran across the road, the hospital finally in sight. He hadn't bothered with a cab today – traffic was horrible and he knew he could never sit still and wait for the cabbie to wind his way slowly through the river of cars heading through the city. So he had taken off from his office at a dead sprint, not even stopping to explain his departure to a staff that had only had him back for four days.

Monica's in labor.

Rachel had called him twenty minutes ago to let him know that his daughter was well on her way, and he hadn't stopped repeating the words to himself since he hung up the phone. He hadn't even seen Monica since the night she had finally told him the truth – nearly three weeks ago - but suddenly the only thing that mattered was that she was giving birth to his child…and he had to be with her.

He flung open the door and headed for the first person in uniform he saw.

"Maternity?"

"Seventh floor to the right."

"Thanks," Chandler managed to gasp, suddenly aware that he had just run fifteen blocks without even slowing down. He headed for the elevator, tapping his fingers impatiently as he counted the red numbers flashing in front of him.

"Six…Seven!" The doors flew open and he was down the hall. He pushed through another set of doors and froze. Rachel jumped up from her chair and rushed to hug him.

"How is she?"

"She's fine, sweetie. Ross is with her now." She paused and smiled as she got a good look at him. "Did you run the whole way here?"

"Yeah…" Chandler sat down next to Joey, taking deep breaths and trying to calm himself down. He glanced around the room, and noticed Richard sitting a few chairs down, not looking at anyone. He hadn't even considered the fact that he might be here. It made sense…he was Monica's fiancé after all, but Chandler had to fight the urge to shove him out of the room and scream at him that he wasn't welcome at the birth of this baby. Unfortunately, that wasn't Chandler's decision to make. He turned his attention back to Rachel.

"How long has she been…?"
"I'm not sure exactly. She came over about an hour ago and said it was time…so Joey and I brought her here. She said she'd been having contractions for a few hours."

Chandler glanced at his watch. 3:00. So it had been since lunchtime at least, probably earlier. Knowing Monica, she had waited as long as she thought she could before heading for the hospital.

"Are you okay, Chandler?"

Chandler looked up and shrugged.

"I'm fine. She's the one in labor."

"Yeah, but…Well, you're having a baby, honey. You're not freaked out?"

Chandler laughed softly and shook his head. "Of course I am. I'm Chandler, remember? Freaking out is what I do."

Rachel nodded and put an arm around his shoulders. They had all been shocked when Monica had finally told all of them that Chandler was the baby's father. She had explained that she wanted to tell Chandler first, and when they had finally convinced her that they didn't know where he was, she had decided to keep her secret until he came back. Looking back, Rachel regretted the way they had treated her after Chandler had left. She had probably been dying, and her friends were holding her responsible for running Chandler off. But now all of that was in the past, and the only thing that mattered was that Monica and Chandler were going to have a baby in just a few hours.

Chandler looked at Rachel, his eyes demanding an honest answer.

"The baby's early, isn't she? She's not supposed to be here for like, a couple more weeks?"
Rachel nodded slowly. "Yes, she' s a little early, but not much. The doctors think everything's going to be just fine."

Chandler nodded thankfully and buried his head in his hands. He wanted to go in with Monica, to be there when his baby was born, but they hadn't had a chance to discuss that. And given the circumstances, he certainly couldn't go barging in. He was surprised, though, that Ross was with Monica while Richard waited outside.

"She's asking for you."
Chandler's head came up at the sound of Ross's voice, and he immediately looked at Richard with jealousy. He was going to get to be there. It wasn't even his kid, but he would be able to hold Monica and comfort her and hear the baby cry for the first time. It wasn't fair. Not fair at all.

"Chandler, you. She's asking for you."

Chandler's head jerked toward Ross and he managed to stand up shakily. She wanted him.

This time it was Richard that looked on with jealousy as Chandler followed Ross down the hallway. He stopped outside the door and looked at Ross, his eyes pleading for help.

"What do I do?"

Ross smiled and patted his shoulder reassuringly.

"You'll know. And um, just ignore every name she calls you, okay?"

Chandler nodded apprehensively, and watched Ross walk back down the hallway. He turned back to the door, and caught a glimpse of Monica through the small window. She was panting her way through a contraction, her face scrunched up in pain and her hair drenched from sweat. His heart twisted in sympathy, and he breathed a sigh of relief when she relaxed and closed her eyes. He wasn't sure he could do this.

He turned the knob slowly and walked into the room. Monica turned to look at him, her face looking as apprehensive as he felt.

"Hi."

"Hi. Are you okay?"

Monica sighed. "I'll be better when your daughter decides to make an appearance."

Chandler felt his heart skip a beat at the words "your daughter". He couldn't stop the smile from flitting across his face, but it disappeared when Monica gasped in pain again. Instinctively, he moved to her side and she grabbed for his hand, squeezing it tightly and trying to breathe through the pain. Chandler leaned in and stroked a strand of hair out of her eyes, feeling absolutely useless. He had no idea what he was supposed to be doing, and surely Monica would be better off with…well, anyone but him.

When Monica relaxed again, Chandler released her hand and stood up.

"I'll go get Ross. He can help you more than I can…"

"No." Monica motioned for him to sit back down beside her. "I don't want Ross. I want you. This is your baby."

"But, Monica, I don't…"

"Chandler, please stay with me."

He was surprised by her pleading tone, but he simply nodded and sat down beside her.

"Tell me what to do."

"Just hold-"

Another wave of pain interrupted her, and Chandler looked up at the nurse that was entering the room with a pitcher of water, then back at Monica as he tried to keep her from breaking his fingers.

"Are they supposed to be this close together?"

The nurse smiled at his worried voice and leaned over to wipe Monica's forehead with a towel.

"Yes. That means she's getting closer. I assume you're the father?"

Chandler nodded. "Yes, I'm the…I'm the father."

Monica's grip on his hand tightened in spite of the fact that her contraction was easing, and he looked at her, surprised by the feeling that saying those words out loud gave him. Then they hit him like a brick, and for just a second, he thought he was going to be the one in need of a hospital bed.

"Come on, Mon. You can do it." There was no way he could know that his soft whispers against her hair were what were giving her the strength to keep going. "We're almost there, honey. Just a few more minutes and we'll have a little girl."

Monica tried to concentrate on the sound of his voice, but she felt like her body was trying to split itself in two. They kept telling her it would be soon, but she didn't believe it anymore. She had already resigned herself to the fact that labor was never going to end, that the pain was just going to go on and on…

"Chandler…" she whimpered, burying her face against his shoulder. Chandler stroked her hair, trying to comfort her but having no idea how. "Chandler, make it stop. Please."

"Oh, baby, I would if I could. But it won't be much longer, sweetheart, and then you'll have your daughter. And I know she's going to be just as beautiful as her mother…"

He'd reverted back to his familiar terms of affection. In spite of her pain, she hadn't missed the "baby" and "sweetheart". She wondered what he was really thinking, and if he had even noticed that he was calling her those things again. She didn't think he realized he was doing it. And in a way, that made it even sweeter.

Another contraction made her arch her back, and Chandler was leaning close to her again, murmuring against her ear and rubbing her back with one hand. She followed the doctor's instructions to push, though all the pushing she'd been doing hadn't seemed to be very productive.

"Here she comes! I can see the head!"

Chandler looked up in amazement, then leaned over to kiss Monica on the forehead, not wanting to leave her side even long enough to take a look.

"She's almost here, Mon. One more push, baby."

"I can't…"

"Yes, you can, Monica. You can. You're doing it for our daughter."

Monica closed her eyes and nodded slightly, her face determined. Barely five minutes later, Chandler's tears were mixing with hers as a tiny cry filled the room and the doctor joyfully announced that it was a girl.

"I've never seen anything more perfect in my life."

Monica smiled at his comment and held her daughter just a little tighter.

"She is beautiful, isn't she?"

"Yeah…" Chandler lifted a tiny hand into his, and grinned when his daughter managed to wrap her hand around one finger. "God, this is the most amazing feeling in the world."

"I know," Monica responded quietly, tracing the outline of her daughter's nose and mouth with one finger. Afraid that the conversation was about to be too much for her to bear, she changed the subject quickly. "So what are we going to call her?"

Chandler lifted his head. "You haven't picked out a name yet?"

"Well…no, not really. I was hoping…well, I wanted you to at least have a say in it."

"Oh…" He was surprised by how happy that made him. For some reason, the fact that she had been waiting for him made his eyes well up with tears. He cleared his throat, knowing that not having this one VERY important detail already planned out had probably been killing his super-organized, compulsive-planner former girlfriend. She had really gone out of her way to make sure he had a role to play.

"Well, you must have at least had some picked out that you liked. What were they?"

Monica smiled as she looked down at her daughter, feeling a wave of nostalgia as she remembered all the nights she had lain in bed with baby names books, thinking about how much fun it would have been to be looking through the books with Chandler. She was sure he would have been making jokes about some of those names left and right. And she had dreamed about curling up next to him as they discussed it seriously, sharing their dreams for their child and their future together. But he hadn't been there, and the process hadn't been nearly as much fun as she had always thought it would be.

"I like Morgan…and Marissa…and Emily, but we can't name her that."

"Why not? I like Emily."

Monica smiled. That was her first choice too. "Well, the main reason being my former sister-in-law."

Chandler thought for a moment. "Carol? Did she have a girlfriend named Emily or something?"

Monica laughed, shifting uneasily because of the pain even that small movement brought to her sore, exhausted body. "Chandler, think British accent, wrong name at the altar, Lon…don…"

She trailed off, wondering what his reaction to that word would be. He kept his eyes down, but when he looked up at her, he was smiling.

"Oh. Oh, yeah, that sister-in-law. Well, you have so many…" Monica smiled back at him, appreciating his attempt to gloss over her slip. Chandler flushed slightly and gave her another sheepish grin. "You're right. I guess Ross would have a problem with that name, huh?"

"And Rachel probably would too."

"Hmmm…Too bad. Emily Geller would be a nice name for this little girl."

"Geller?"

Chandler looked at her quickly and immediately looked away. He had just assumed that the baby would take Monica's name – her maiden name. He hadn't even considered…

"So you'll be calling her "Burke" then." He didn't try to hide the disappointment in his voice. He felt his heart breaking all over again, and blinked back tears. Richard was going to get her – both of them - after all.

"No! Why in the world would she be a "Burke"?" Monica looked at him, her eyes searching his. "Her last name will be "Bing"," she continued more softly. "Like her father. Why would it be anything else?"

Chandler looked into her incredulous eyes, and could tell that she had never considered anything else. Without thinking, he leaned in to kiss her, but remembered just in time and moved his lips up to her forehead.

"Thank you."

Monica nodded slightly against his chest, feeling no need to ask any questions. She pulled away and looked down at her daughter as she passed her carefully to him.

"I think I should be the one thanking you…" she whispered, tears filling her eyes again. Chandler looked down at the baby in his arms and smiled sadly.

"You know, when I imagined having children with you, this was never what I saw."

Monica sighed, wishing he had let go on pretending for a little while longer.

"I know. Me neither."

"I always thought…Well, I guess it doesn't really matter. We can't unmake love. She's here now, and she's perfect, and God, Mon, I love her so much. I just…want to hold her like this forever."

"You're going to be a fantastic father, Chandler. I just know it."

Chandler swallowed, and wiped one hand quickly across his eyes, trying to hide the fact that he was crying. Then he grinned, hit suddenly with a wave of inspiration – and a good way to end the sentimentality of the moment.

"I know what we should name her. Emma Leigh."

"Chandler, did you just totally miss that whole conversation? We can't name her Emily."

"No, Mon. Emma…" He paused to make sure she got the point. "…Leigh. Like her middle name would be Leigh."

Monica smiled and shook her head at him. Even now, he could still make her smile with no apparent effort. "That's clever, but I'm not sure Ross would see the humor in that." She paused, her face thoughtful. "But, I do like Emma…"

Chandler thought about it too, sounding the name out in his head, then out loud as he gazed at his daughter. "Emma Bing. I love it."

Monica smiled. "I love it too."

"So, seriously, what about her middle name?"

"Umm…" Monica frowned, thinking. "I don't know."

"Hey…what about Geller? That way she has both of our names. Emma Geller Bing."

Monica smiled, her eyes filling up again. "Emma Geller Bing. I think our daughter has a name."

"Did you hear that, Emma?" Chandler crooned to the baby. "You've got a name!"

"And someday we'll tell you about how your daddy picked it out all by himself." Monica smiled at Chandler shyly, then held out her arms. "Now, can I hold Emma again? Please?"

Unable to deny her, Chandler allowed her to take Emma, and stood up from the bed.

"If you're ready for visitors, I'll go get everyone and let them come in to meet Emma."

Monica nodded, eager to show off her daughter, and Chandler kissed Emma on the forehead before heading for the door. He stopped and looked back at them, his heart jumping into his throat as he watched them. Monica and their daughter. How many times had he imagined this scene? And somehow, Monica was more beautiful, and Emma more precious, than he ever could have dreamed. Leaning against the doorframe, he closed his eyes and let himself finish the thought he had begun earlier, talking to her in his mind.

You know, when I imagined having children with you, this was never what I saw. I always thought that we would be in love, and together, and happy.

He should have learned by now that his dreams weren't going to come true.

The Present:

He stared at her, and she at him, both lost in the memory they cherished, neither quite sure whether they were unwilling… or unable… to break the gaze. For just a moment, he felt the connection again, and she could see the man that had been her best friend. For just a moment, their hearts beat together.

Then Chandler broke the gaze and the spell was broken. He stood up abruptly and retrieved his jacket from the kitchen, doing all he could to avoid making eye contact.

"I'm going to spend the night across the hall. I don't want to be far away, in case…If you need me, come and get me."

"Chandler, wait…"

"Mon, I really think it's best if I don't wait. It's just too hard. I'll see you in the morning, okay?"

"Chandler, I need to tell you something."

He turned to look at her, already fearing the worst. "Okay, the last time you said something similar to that, I ended up with a daughter. But you can't be pregnant, because we haven't…" He paused, his eyes glued to his shoes. "Are you pregnant?"

"What? No! That would be, um…" She paused, blushing furiously. "Biologically impossible," she mumbled, glad that he wasn't looking at her. She wasn't sure why she was embarrassed, but she was.

"Oh." Chandler was confused, but decided not to ask questions. Emma was three months old. While not likely, it was certainly possible for her to be pregnant. "So, then, what's so important? Are you moving to Connecticut with Richard or something?"
Monica was silent. Chandler looked at her anxiously, his heart suddenly racing. "You're not…"

Monica looked up and shook her head earnestly. "No. No, of course not. I just…Well, I thought you should know that I…Well, see, I decided that…"

"Monica, just tell me."

She sighed and looked up at him, then blurted out the words in a rush.

"This morning, I told Richard the wedding was off."

"We Can't Unmake Love"

John Berry and Wynonna Judd

Before God and family we made the perfect start
And swore death would be the only thing to keep us apart
But we're fighting just like soldiers on a field of battle now
And the life we made together is our only common ground
She's got your eyes, my nose and our hearts…

We can't unmake love
And just erase all the years
The sweetest little girl
In all the world will still be here
We promised love would last
She's living proof it still does
So even if we wanted to give up
We can't unmake love

Remember how the future looked as we'd lie awake and dream
Thinking just how powerful the love we made could be
And I can't help believing it's all still possible
But if coming to our senses is gonna take a miracle
She's right upstairs, right now, asleep

We can't unmake love
And just erase all the years
The sweetest little girl
In all the world will still be here
We promised love would last
She's living proof it still does
So even if we wanted to give up
We can't unmake love

We promised love would last

She's living proof it still does.

So even if we wanted to give up

We can't unmake love.

To Be Continued…

From the beginning of the story, I've been waiting to use this song as a title!! This part was fun to write – Hopefully the next part will be along soon. Oh, and please review!