TOW The Past Isn't At Rest

by Monica-Bing

**Finished! The Epilogue is now up.**

10. I Thought You Knew

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter 10

"I Thought You Knew"

Where we left off…

"This morning, I told Richard the wedding was off."

Complete silence. 

Monica watched him apprehensively as his face went from impatient to shocked, and his eyes got so big she thought it must hurt. 

"Umm…"  Chandler laughed nervously, sure that he hadn't heard what he thought he had heard.  "Wh…what?"

Monica sighed and ran her hand through her hair.  "I called the wedding off."

"Oh…" 

Yep, that's what he had heard.  He turned away, his mind frantically trying to process that piece of information.  No wedding.  That meant, of course, no marriage.  Which meant…what did that mean?

Monica studied his back, taken aback by his lack of reaction.  She wasn't sure what she had expected, but she knew she had expected more than "Oh". 

"Well…Aren't you going to ask me why?"

A long pause.

"No."

Monica raised her eyebrows at his back, wishing that he would at least turn around so she could at least see his face.

"Okay…"  she responded with a shrug, as she turned back to the couch and sat down, picking up a magazine from the coffee table.  She'd learned a long time ago that when Chandler starting speaking in monosyllables, it was best to let him start talking in his own time.  Though she couldn't see his face, she knew that he had that look – that wide-eyed, unblinking, full freak-out-mode look he got – and that he wouldn't be able to stand the silence for long.  So he would either leave or talk. 

Chandler turned around.  Monica's calmness was both infuriating him and worrying him.  She had just called off her wedding. Monica.  She shouldn't be calm.  Not at all.  And she obviously wasn't going to give him any more information until he asked. 

"Okay, fine.  Why are you calling off the wedding?"

Monica turned around on the couch so she could face him.  She couldn't quite decipher the look on his face. 

"Well, I…I don't…love him."

"You don't love him?  You don't LOVE him?!?!"

Monica looked up at him, surprised by the blazing anger in his eyes. 

"Chandler, shhh!  You're going to wake up Emma!"

Chandler looked guiltily toward Emma's bedroom and listened for a moment to make sure she wasn't crying, then turned his stance back toward Monica.

"You don't love him.  Is that all you have to say?"

"Isn't that enough?" 

"Enough?" Chandler hissed, making a conscious effort to keep his voice down.  "Enough?  You broke my heart and threw everything away and you don't even LOVE him?"

"Chandler, I…"  She had no idea what to say, and she was afraid that anything she did say was only going to make everything worse.

Chandler closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and looking at her.  When he spoke, his voice was soft and controlled, but so solemn it almost frightened her. 

"I thought…for six months, I thought that my daughter belonged to another man.  Do you have any idea how that felt, Monica?  To know – or to think I knew – that you were having a child with someone else?  And then, when I found out that Emma was mine after all, the only reason I could think of to explain why you still wanted to marry him…why you would choose him over me…was because you really did love him.  And believe me, I tried as hard as I could to come up with some other reason – any reason but that.  And now you're telling me that you didn't?  That you DON'T?  How is that supposed to make me feel?  You almost married him and you don't even love him.  And yet…you said that you DID love me.  We share a child.  And you would still rather be with him than with me?"
            "No!  That's not what I…I just thought it was the best choice."

"How can that be the best choice?"  His voice was getting louder with each word.  "Why, Mon?  Why is he so much better than me?"

"He's not!"  Monica cried, forgetting to care about waking up Emma as her eyes filled up with tears.  "He's not better, but he wanted me!"

"What is that supposed to mean?"  Chandler yelled back.  "Are you implying that I DIDN'T?"
            "YES!"  Monica sobbed, tearing streaming down her face as all of the emotions came flowing back.  "You DIDN'T want me.  Not for the rest of your life."

"What?"

"Don't play dumb, Chandler.  You told me how you felt about marriage, and that you didn't want to EVER get married!  What did you expect me to do?  Just wait around?"
            "But I –"

"But nothing.  You didn't want to give me forever, Chandler.  That was the end of our story."

Chandler winced as her bedroom door slammed behind her, and stared at the closed door, desperately wanting to go in after her.  He sank onto the couch, trying to sort through everything that had just been said.  He thought about her last words, and his breath caught as he pictured the devastation on her face as she flung them at him. 

After all this time… Monica still believed that he hadn't wanted to marry her.  They had both been believing lies…all this time.  He sighed.  They would have to talk, to straighten all of this mess out – but he knew Monica wouldn't listen to him right now. 

But he knew he had to find a way to let her know the truth.

Monica stormed into Joey and Rachel's apartment, slamming the door behind her and stopping dead in her tracks when she saw Chandler slumped in the barca lounger.   He turned the chair around slowly, already knowing that it was Monica who had entered the apartment so loudly. He'd actually been expecting her sooner.  His slightly guilty eyes locked with hers, just as Joey wandered sleepily out of his room.

"What's all the rack…Oh, hey Mon."

"Joey, will you go across the hall and watch Emma for us, please?" Monica asked, never taking her eyes away from Chandler's. 

"Ummm…"  Joey looked to Chandler for help, and Chandler nodded. 

"Yeah, Joe, if you don't mind…"

Joey shrugged and went into his room to pull on some jeans and a sweatshirt. 

"Is Rachel here?"  Monica asked Chandler, her voice low.

"No, she stayed with Phoebe last night."

Monica nodded, just as Joey came back out of his bedroom, his hair still sticking out in about twenty different directions.

"Are you two going to be okay over here by yourselves?"

Monica and Chandler were too busy staring at each other to answer.  Joey finally shrugged and opened the door.

"From the looks on your faces, I have a feeling that when I come back either one of you is going to be dead, or Monica's going to be pregnant again."

Monica wheeled around to look at him, but Joey had already closed the door.  She turned back around slowly, expecting Chandler to be amused by that comment.  But he wasn't even looking at her.  She walked over to him and stood between him and the t.v., so he couldn't just ignore her.

"What is this?"  She asked him gravely, tossing the box he had left on the kitchen table into his lap.  Chandler glanced at her, then picked up the box and opened it slowly.

"Hmmm…looks like a ring to me."

"Chandler, don't play games.  I'm serious.  Where did that come from?"  She was angry…and she probably had a right to be.  Chandler sighed and looked at the ring, before closing the box and setting it aside, standing up to face her.

"I left it in your apartment the day I moved my things out.  I, I wanted you to have it, even if you didn't know you had it…  I hid it under a loose board in the window seat."

"But…this looks like an engagement ring."

"It is."

Monica felt her heart stop, and she stared at him in disbelief.

"It…well, who is it for?"

Chandler rolled his eyes and sat back down in the chair.

"Monica, you're not stupid.  Who do you think it's for?"

Monica was silent for a moment before raising her eyes to his.  Yes, she had known.  From the moment she saw the box on the table, she had known, deep down.

"But…if you left it there the day you moved out, then…"

"I had it before we broke up," Chandler confirmed, rubbing his forehead with both hands. 

Monica collapsed onto the other chair, which Joey had moved back into his apartment after Chandler had left it to him in his note.  She closed her eyes, willing the world to stop spinning, and then opened them to look at Chandler, who was staring at the ceiling.

"Chandler… why would you buy an engagement ring if you didn't want to get married?"

"Monica, you already know the answer to that.  I bought you that ring because I did want to get married.  I wanted to marry you.  I wanted to love you for the rest of my life.  I wanted to give you forever."

"Then why…?"

"It was all some stupid game.  I wanted it to be a surprise.  I was afraid you would figure it out, so…I tried to throw you off the track.  All the things I said…I didn't mean any of them.  It was…it was a plan.  I had no idea that Richard would propose and that you would accept before I even had a chance…"

Monica brushed the tears off her cheek and leaned forward.  Surely this was all a dream…or some cruel joke Chandler was playing to…well, she didn't know why, but it couldn't be real.

"So you're telling me that this was just some…misunderstanding?"

"Apparently."

"But why didn't you ask?  You had to have known I would say yes."  She could feel her stomach getting queasy as she waited for him to answer, her eyes begging him not to tell her now that he had changed his mind and decided not to ask her after all. 

"Well, the first time, Richard came into the restaurant and interrupted us, and um…well, you're the one that called out to him and got his attention."  Monica winced at the memory of that night.  She could remember thinking he was acting oddly.  Now it was painfully obvious why.  "And then…well, then there was the plan.  I was going to ask you the night you told me you were pregnant, but…"

"But?"

Chandler turned to gaze at her, tears streaming down his cheeks.  She could see the heartbreak in his red eyes, finally convincing her that this was all serious.

"You wanted to go first, remember?"

Monica stared at him, stricken.  He was right.  She'd insisted that she go first.  And he had…  Before he had a chance to talk, she'd already told him that she was marrying Richard instead.  No wonder he had run off.  If she had only let him talk first…

"Oh my God…" she whispered, and pressed her face against the back of the chair as she started to sob uncontrollably.  She couldn't believe that they had spent almost a year apart because of some stupid misunderstanding.  It was too much to take.  They were silent for a few moments as they thought about what might have been and what they were.  Finally, Chandler knelt down in front of her and put his arms around her, unable to watch her cry any longer without doing something.  Monica clung to him, trying to sort through everything he had just told her and find some sort of reasoning behind it.  There was no reasoning.  It was just too crazy.  They knew each other better than anyone else in the world…how could they not have known what the other was thinking?

She lifted her head and looked him in the eyes, realizing immediately that they were close – too close.  Swallowing hard, she moved just as he did.  They sat facing each other again, their eyes locked together, the expressions on both of their faces pained and remorseful.  Chandler sighed softly and reached out to take her hand.

"I didn't know you didn't know.  I thought for sure they had told you I was planning to propose."

"Who?"

"Anybody…Ross, Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe all knew.  I thought for sure they would tell you the truth after I left… And I don't mean this to sound mean, but…if nothing else, I thought they would tell you just to make you feel guilty."

"Well…they didn't."  Monica's voice hollowed as she remembered the months while he was gone.  "No one but Ross even talked to me for the first four months you were gone.  You know Ross, he has strong ideas about loyalty, especially to family.  If I hadn't been his sister, he probably would have avoided me, too.  Joey…Joey didn't say a word to me from the day you left until the day Emma was born.  And I knew he was there for that only because of you.  Even now…haven't you noticed that he goes out of his way to avoid me?  Phoebe too.  They've never forgiven me.  Not really.  Apparently our friends are more loyal to you than to me."

"Oh, Monica…I didn't want them to…I had no idea."

Monica shrugged.  "I understood.  I probably would have done the same thing."
            "What about Rachel?"

Monica tried to smile, but it didn't come off very well. 

"Rachel's very protective of you.  She finally came around, but she refused to talk about you, or to listen to me talk about you.  Even now, she doesn't like to.  That's one of the rules we follow, I guess."

            "Oh…"  He felt guilty.  He could only imagine how Monica had felt – lonely and pregnant, with, he now realized, a heart just as broken as his.  "I'm…I'm sorry."

            "It's not your fault, Chandler.  It was my choice to make, and I made it.  I just made the wrong one.  It wasn't their fault.  They had every right to be mad at me.  I should have trusted your love."

            "Yes…you should have.   You should have known me better than to really believe those things I said. But Monica…I had already proposed to you twice.  Didn't you think about that?  All of these months, didn't you wonder?"

            "I thought about that, Chandler.  But both of those proposals were spur of the moment.  The first one shouldn't even count, and Vegas…well, it was Vegas.  And keep in mind, we decided then that we weren't ready for marriage.  After you got that message from the museum about me booking our "wedding", I figured that you realized…"

            Chandler shook his head sadly.  "You should have known, Monica."

            Monica looked at him, realizing that she wasn't the only one who had made mistakes.  She had questions for him, too.

            "And you should have known that I would never cheat on you.  How could you believe I would do that?"

            Chandler looked down, knowing she was right.  He had made his fair share of assumptions as well.

            "Monica…try to look at it from my shoes.  You told me you were pregnant, and the next sentence out of your mouth was that you were going to marry him.  Wouldn't you think the same thing?"

            "Maybe.  But that was a horrible accusation for you to make."

            "But, Mon, you didn't deny it.  And the way you presented it to me, I don't know that anyone would have believed differently.  I know that I was wrong, and I am so, so sorry.  But I was hurt and angry, and…I had lost you, Monica.  That's the only excuse I can offer."

            "I can't believe this is happening.  It was all just a big, stupid mistake."

            Chandler looked at her, knowing that wasn't all it was. 

            "Monica, no matter what I said or did, or what you thought, you consciously made the decision to marry someone else.  Not just someone else…Richard.  You can't play that off as a mistake.  THAT was a decision.  Just like it was my decision to leave, and my decision to play games with you about marriage.  We both made mistakes, yes.  And we're both to blame.  But we can't just pass this off as some terrible twist of fate.  We made choices."

            Monica looked down, tears running down her cheeks again.  Silence again, as she gathered up all the nerve she could find.  The subject of their past seemed to be exhausted, but she knew it was no longer their past that was in question.

            "I still love you, Chandler," she whispered, not daring to look at him for fear of what she might see in his face.  She waited, her rapid heartbeats audible, for him to respond.  She finally heard him take a shaky breath, as he reached out to take her hand.

            "I love you too, Monica."

"I Thought You Knew"

Keith Urban

I thought you knew.

Guess I assumed too much.

I don't know how, but now we're so far out of touch.

And I never planned

To so misunderstand.

But what you needed you never asked me to give…

And I swear as I live

I thought you knew my heart was yours

And that we were so together

That we would always be.

I don't believe you leavin' me's the answer

I'm not asking you to let me rush back in and fail again

I'm asking for one chance not to assume

So I can say and do

All the things I thought you knew.

So here we are.

And so far we're still so far

From where we know we should be

I'm searching for words and you haven't heard…

I thought you knew my heart was yours

And that we were so together

That we would always be

I don't believe you leavin' me's the answer

I'm not asking you to let me rush back in and fail again

I'm asking for one chance not to assume

So I can say and do

All the things I thought you knew.

I thought you knew.

Oh, god, I thought you knew.

To Be Continued…

AN:  Okay, I was going to make this another cliffhanger, but I decided to end it nicely.  Don't think, though, that it's going to be that easy…Please review!