TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter Eleven
"When You Come Back To Me Again"
AN: Sorry this took so long, but I've been really busy…and not a whole lot of inspiration. I had it planned out through the last chapter, then I wasn't sure where to take it! But I have some ideas now. Anyway, hopefully the next chapter will be sooner, but no promises. I'm trying to bring Ross and Phoebe into it…we'll see.
(Where we left off…)
"I still love you, Chandler," she whispered, not daring to look at him for fear of what she might see in his face. She waited, her rapid heartbeats audible, for him to respond. She finally heard him take a shaky breath, as he reached out to take her hand.
"I love you too, Monica."
She raised her eyes to his, hoping that she would be able to see the words reflected in his eyes. But he was looking down, avoiding her gaze. She placed a finger under his chin, forcing him to look up at her, and saw that there were fresh tears in his eyes. He gazed at her in silence, allowing her too look deep into his heart before he suddenly released her hand and stood up, running his fingers through his hair and stuffing his hand in one pocket.
"It's not that easy, Mon. We both know it's not as simple as saying 'I love you'."
"I know," she replied softly, wiping a few stray tears off her cheeks. "But…I do love you. And if we had only –"
"No, Mon. There's no place for "if only"s. Trust me, I've been through every scenario there is. There's a million of 'if only's, Monica, but none of them matter. This – us – here, now… this is real. And whether we're together or not…"
He choked on his own words, realizing that this was the question before them now. He turned to look at her, all of the feelings of the past months flooding him at once and leaving him lonely, hurt, upset, confused…and in love. That had been the one constant through it all. He'd never stopped loving her, even when he was trying his hardest to hate her. Even when he thought he had almost succeeded…he had still loved her.
He could tell from the look on her face that the words had frozen her as well. She swallowed, and looked down at her hands before taking a step closer to him and gently laying her hand on his arm.
"Does that mean…" Monica stopped, unable to voice the question that they were both asking themselves. The one they were both afraid to answer silently, much less out loud.
"I…I don't...know…" He paused and glanced at her. With a deep sigh, he continued softly, pain from the past still etched in his voice. "We can't go back. We both know that. Whoever Chandler and Monica were back then…that's all over. Forever. And that's sad, but…it's just life, I guess. We both know there's nothing left for us in the past. Only the memories of what we used to be. And…Emma."
"So…what are you saying? That there's no hope for us? That…we're over? Again?" Monica heard the desperation in her own voice, but she didn't care. She felt like her entire life was staked on his answer.
Chandler studied her tortured face, wondering how they had arrived at this point. It was rather ironic, given that twenty-four hours ago she had been engaged to someone else, and they'd both thought that the other was completely to blame for a broken heart. Just yesterday hostility masked the pain and love that they both felt so deeply… And now, a day and a sick child later, the truth had finally been told and there was a possibility…
"There's always hope, Monica," he whispered, and leaned forward to kiss the top of her head, continuing to whisper against her hair as his arms slowly encircled her. "I thought that hope for us was long gone, but maybe…maybe I was wrong."
Monica shifted her head so that she could look up at him. He was staring across the room, seemingly oblivious of everything, especially her. Monica watched him for a few minutes, then returned her head to his chest, listening to his heartbeats and thinking that this was where she belonged.
"So I see you decided to go the pregnant route, huh?"
They snapped to attention immediately. Chandler quickly released Monica as they turned to look at a smug-faced Joey in the doorway, neither quite sure why they felt like they'd been caught doing something they shouldn't have been. Monica realized first that he didn't have their daughter with him.
"Joey…what is it? Where's Emma?"
Chandler heard the note of panic in Monica's voice and instinctively placed a hand on her back to calm her. Joey's face immediately grew serious, and he gestured to the open door across the hall.
"She's in her room. She wouldn't stop crying and I thought…"
Monica rushed across the hall before he could finish, Chandler at her heels. Joey followed more slowly, hoping he hadn't done something wrong. He usually insisted that Rachel or Phoebe baby-sit with him, because he was terrified of doing something to hurt Emma. But it still felt good to know that Monica trusted him with the baby, in spite of everything. Which reminded him, what was up with the scene he had walked in on? Chandler and Monica… hugging??? Had they just forgotten that they were practically sworn enemies?
Joey shook his head. He'd never understand those two.
Monica lifted Emma from her crib, bouncing her gently in an effort to make her stop crying. But Emma was still wailing, making Joey cringe. Chandler stroked the baby's forehead, leaning over to brush a kiss against her cheek, then looked at Joey.
"How long has she been crying like this?"
"About fifteen minutes. I thought she might need more medicine, but I didn't want to interrupt…"
"No…Joey, it's fine. Thank you." Monica glanced at him with a smile, and Joey just nodded, obviously relieved that he had done the right thing. He looked toward Chandler, obviously wanting an explanation for what he had walked in on, but Chandler's attention was solely on Emma. Deciding they could come and get him if they needed him, Joey quietly left the three of them alone and went back across the hall, collapsing into his chair. He jumped back up almost immediately, and looked to see what it was that was poking him.
He stared at the velvet box in amazement, then looked around the room to make sure nobody was watching before peering inside.
It was a ring. THE ring.
Monica knew.
The following will be in script form to make it easier – and maybe less confusing… Just imagine the scene switching from character to character as they talk, time lapse between each speech.
JOEY: Phoebe! You will never believe what just happened. Monica knows Chandler was going to propose – and they were hugging!
PHOEBE: Rachel! Rachel! You are sooo gonna flip out over THIS gossip… Chandler gave Monica the ring! The RING! And Joey said when he walked in they were practically making out… Oh my God, what does this MEAN???
RACHEL: Ross, I swear. She told me yesterday that she'd called of the wedding…the wedding with Richard, I mean…but I had no IDEA she and Chandler were back together – much less planning on finally getting engaged. They were practically having sex on the floor of my apartment! So tell me this. When did your sister's life get more interesting than mine?
ROSS: (moodily) You'd think she'd at least tell ME about all this. I mean, I am her brother. But no…she calls off her wedding to Richard so she can get engaged to Chandler and never even tells me about it. (angry) I wonder how long they've been sleeping together without telling us THIS time? I swear I'm gonna kill Chandler… Joey? Joey, you still there? What, have you been keeping secrets for them again?
JOEY: (Lost) Chandler and Monica have been sleeping together? (Frustrated) Man, they are GOOD ACTORS!
Meanwhile…
Monica screwed the nipple onto a bottle of water, and handed it to Chandler, who was holding a quiet but exhausted Emma. Emma tried to grab the bottle as Chandler put it in her mouth, and succeeded in getting her hand to connect with the bottle as she started to suck thirstily. Chandler smiled distantly, still too worried about Emma's slight fever to fully appreciate this accomplishment.
Monica reached for Emma's hand, and smiled when her daughter immediately grabbed her finger and held on tightly. She brushed her other hand over the top of Emma's head and watched Emma struggle to keep her eyes focused on Chandler's face.
"Look at her, Chandler. This one's definitely gonna be Daddy's little girl."
"You think?"
"Yeah…" Chandler heard the wistfulness in her voice, and turned to look at her.
"Are you jealous?" he asked, incredulous. She didn't need to answer - her face gave her away. "You are. Monica, come on. She's just as much yours as mine. And she adores you. You are really just the…perfect mother. She's a lucky little girl."
Monica managed a smile, but didn't respond to that. She didn't trust her voice. They sat there together, watching as Emma slowly fell asleep. When her eyes finally closed for good, Chandler placed the bottle on the table and leaned back against the couch, cradling his sleeping daughter close.
"Do you think she realizes that her Mommy and Daddy are both with her?"
Monica nodded slowly, running one finger down the side of Emma's face.
"Yeah, I think she knows. She seems more content, even if she's sick. Don't you think?"
"Yeah. I guess she does. It's just too bad that she had to get sick to be able to have both of us at the same time. We were really selfish."
"Yeah, really selfish. We shouldn't have taken our problems out on her."
Chandler shifted his gaze from Emma to Monica. "But that's going to change, right? I mean, now we know…"
"I want it to change…Emma needs us, both of us. And she deserves to have both of us. And not just for a couple of days at a time."
"Monica…" Chandler swallowed and took a deep breath, deciding it was time to address the question they had been asking silently since the moment Monica realized that the ring had been for her. Before he could open his mouth, the door slammed open and Ross stormed into the apartment, glowering at both of them.
"So…I hear you two are getting married. Wanna explain?"
Chandler deposited Emma safely in her bed, then closed the door behind him as he walked back into the living room, where Monica was trying to reason with Ross.
"Ross, don't you think I would tell you if we were planning to get married?"
"I don't know. Apparently you don't feel the need to tell anyone that you're sleeping together."
"Ross, that was three years ago. Get over it already."
"I'm not talking about then, I'm talking about now."
"What about now? We're definitely not sleeping together now."
"But…"
"No buts. We're not."
Ross glanced at Chandler, who just shrugged and nodded, still confused as to where Ross was getting this information. Ross managed an apologetic smile as he took a step away.
"Oh. Well, did you call off your wedding?"
Monica nodded slowly. "Yes, I did."
"Well…if the wedding's off, are you two getting back together?"
Monica and Chandler looked at each other, the question finally asked. Chandler finally looked back at Ross, and spoke softly.
"Ross, I think you should leave us alone. We need to talk about a few things."
After Ross had been ushered out, and the door locked to other curious friends who would no doubt be coming by, Chandler took Monica's hand and led her into Emma's room. He looked down at his daughter, and then at Monica, who had her eyes fastened on the baby.
"Mon…we can't get back together."
Her head turned toward him immediately, and he was shocked at how quickly tears could fill her eyes. He tried to pull her into his arms, but she resisted. He looked at the ground, trying to choose his words, and to make her understand.
"We had something special, Monica. Nobody is debating that. And I…I wish it could be simple. I really do. It would be so easy to just throw caution to the wind and just let ourselves be in love. But we can't do that. We're responsible for her. We have to do what's best for Emma…even if it means that we don't get everything we want."
"What's best for Emma? Please explain to me why having two parents that love each other and are committed to each other is not best for Emma. Because I thought we just agreed that she needs both of us."
"We did agree. And she'll have both of us. It's just…Monica, we've been through an awful lot – and two days ago, we couldn't even be in the same room together! Don't you think that jumping back into a relationship is risky? Do you want to put Emma through a break-up, or worse, a divorce? Right now, she might not be that affected – at least I hope our relationship for the first three months of her life won't affect her too badly - but she's going to start to understand soon. And I think that we need to make sure that we don't put her in the middle of a rocky romance."
"What makes you think it will be rocky?"
Chandler sighed. "Monica, let's be realistic. I would love to think that everything would be perfect and the three of us would be happy together forever, but I can't just hope. I have to know before I can put Emma in that situation. I think it's better for us to be apart than to jump back into a risky relationship."
In spite of herself, Monica understood his position, even if she didn't want to agree. But he was right. As much as she wanted to insist that everything would be fine this time around, she couldn't promise Emma that. And he was right…If Emma hadn't gotten sick, she and Chandler would probably still be avoiding each other, not knowing… When had Chandler become the voice of reason? This sounded like something she should be saying to him, not the other way around. But she knew how much he had changed since Emma was born, and that was just another reason he was right. They weren't the same people they were then. They had to get to know each other all over again.
She looked at him, ready to concede, only to find that he was crying silently, his shoulders shaking. As soon as their eyes met, they moved together, holding each other tightly.
"It's not what I want, Monica. It's not. I love you. But-"
"I love you too. But you're right. It's best for Emma. And for us. For now…" She trailed off, her question lingering. Chandler wiped his eyes and managed a wobbly smile.
"For now. I think it's important that we become friends again. Because we haven't been friends, Monica, not by any stretch of the imagination. And you…You were always my best friend, Monica. I want that back."
"Do you really think it's possible for us to be just friends again, Chandler? Can you just forget everything that's happened and go back to a time when you were "just my annoying friend Chandler"?"
"Noo…" Chandler answered slowly. "I can't forget. But I think it's possible. Looks like Ross and Rachel are finally getting the hang of "just friends"
"But…"
"I know. But you told me a million times that our relationship was so strong because we were friends first. And even then…it fell apart. So I think in this case, we just need to start over, from the beginning. Only now we have a daughter."
Monica looked down at Emma for a long time, and finally nodded her agreement. It wasn't what she wanted, but she knew deep down that he was right. And it was much, much more than she had thought possible even twelve hours ago. She should be thankful that they were getting a second chance, rather than upset because they couldn't just go back to what used to be.
"Okay."
Chandler smiled slightly and stroked her cheek.
"Thank you…for understanding. But before we officially become "just friends"…"
He stared deliberately into her eyes for a long moment, then slowly leaned in and kissed her tenderly.
To Be Continued…
"When You Come Back To Me Again" is by Garth Brooks. I'm not going to worry about the lyrics.