TOW The Past Isn't At Rest Chapter 12: If I Should Fall Behind, a friends fanfic

TOW The Past Isn't At Rest – Chapter Twelve

"If I Should Fall Behind"

Where we left off…

They both melted into the kiss, the feeling they had missed for so many months drugging them and making it almost impossible to pull away. Monica finally gathered all of her willpower and pushed reluctantly against his chest, forcing herself to separate her lips from his. Chandler's face followed hers for a split second before he came back to reality. He opened his eyes and gave her an apologetic smile.

"Sorry. I've just been dreaming about that kiss for months."

Monica smiled back and rubbed her thumb gently, almost thoughtfully, across his lips.

"Don't apologize. I've been dreaming about it too."

For a moment, Chandler considered taking back everything he had just said and telling her that he needed to be with her. He wasn't sure he could remember how to just be friends with her. He knew that he didn't want to be. But then he glanced at Emma and swallowed the words. It didn't matter what he wanted.

"So…Um, what now?"

Monica shrugged. Chandler studied her face, hoping she would give him some clue, but she just looked back at him, her blue eyes wide and open. He smiled slightly.

"Emma's got your eyes."

"What?" Monica glanced down at their sleeping daughter, then back at Chandler, confused by the abrupt change in the conversation.

"You really have no idea how much she looks like you. That look in your eyes just then – it's the same one she gets when she's concentrating on something, like my face when I'm feeding her."

"Oh." Monica smiled down at Emma, then reached into the crib and adjusted the blanket, letting her hand rest briefly on her forehead before she turned back to Chandler. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"It was. For both of you."

Monica managed to smile, though she felt like crying for some reason she couldn't explain. She broke their gaze and turned slightly so they were no longer facing each other.

"This is so weird," she said, punctuating the statement with a frustrated sigh. "I don't know what to say to you."

Chandler sighed too, running his hand through his hair and backing up so he could lean against the wall. "Me either. I guess this will take some getting used to."

"It's going to be hard, Chandler. It's been a long time since we were "just friends"…and we can't just pretend there was never anything else. Emma's pretty incriminating evidence."

"Yeah. I'm not sure where the middle ground is either. But we'll find it. It just might take awhile."

"Awhile." Monica had to fight the urge to ask him how long he intended to keep this charade going, but she kept her mouth closed. She didn't want to sound like she wasn't on board with this little plan. And besides, she was a little afraid of what his answer might be.

"Well…" Chandler cleared his throat awkwardly. "I…I think I'll go down and have some coffee." He started toward Emma's crib to say goodbye, then stopped abruptly. "Unless you'd like to go. I'll stay with Emma if you want."

"No. Go ahead." Monica wondered if she sounded as relieved that he was leaving as she felt. She was sure if they stayed in this awkward situation any longer, she was going to say or do something she would regret. "She'll be hungry soon anyway, and we've used all the bottles."

Chandler flushed slightly and nodded. While he hadn't had Ross's reaction to breast milk in a bottle, he still tried his best to forget what he was holding when he was feeding Emma.

"Okay, then." He lowered the side of Emma's crib so he could lean over and kiss her cheek, and rubbed her back gently. "Bye, Emmers. Feel better, sweetie."

He turned to Monica. "I'll, um…see you later."

She only nodded, but looked up when he hesitated before leaving. He smiled nervously, then awkwardly kissed her cheek before he left the room. Monica waited to hear the front door close behind him, then lifted Emma carefully out of her crib - making sure she didn't wake up - and sat down with her in the rocking chair. She cuddled the baby close, tears falling from her eyes as she thought about the last couple of hours.

"You're not even going to remember today, sweetie. But I will. Today, I realized that something I had heard all of my life is true. You can't really love a man with all your heart until you see him love his children. He does love you, baby. So much that he can think about you instead of what he…we…want. And I… Emma, I don't think I've ever loved your daddy as much as I do right this minute."

Chandler was deep in thought as he walked into Central Perk, and didn't even notice his friends until they had all called his name several times.

"Oh…hey guys." He signaled to Gunther, who had memorized his order years ago, and collapsed on the sofa next to Phoebe, leaning his head against the back. He peered at his friends beneath half-closed eyelids, not surprised to see them looking at him expectantly. "Soooo…who wants to go first?"

A brief silence, then a clamor as they all tried to ask their questions at once. Chandler sighed.

"Never mind, just let me guess. No, Monica and I are not back together. Yes, she knows I was going to propose, and yes, I know she called the wedding off. No, we have no plans to get married at the present time," he paused and glanced pointedly at each one in turn. "In spite of recent gossip you may have heard, told, or formulated. No, we are not sleeping together. No, Monica is not pregnant again. Yes, we are friends – or we're going to try to be. No, we're not giving Emma to Joey and Rachel to raise, and yes, Monica is secretly married to a Russian priest. Any other questions I haven't answered?"

"How did she meet some guy from Russia?"

"Why would you give Emma to Joey and Rachel instead of to her uncle?"

Chandler just gave Joey a look and rolled his eyes at Ross's hurt face. "Joey, there is no Russian priest. I was being sarcastic. You know, I do that sometimes. And Ross…of course we're not giving our child to Joey and Rachel. Get over it. Any other questions?"

Ross eyed him for a minute, as if he was suspicious that Chandler and Monica had already made the change in their wills, then sat back in the chair to pout.

"Do you still love her?" Rachel asked softly.

Chandler nodded with a half-smile, his eyes revealing the depth of his feelings. "Yeah, I do…more than ever."

"Does she love you?" This came from Joey, who was starting to feel guilty for assuming the worst about Monica all those months ago.

Again Chandler nodded, his smile getting a little bigger. "Yeah, she does."

"But you're not getting back together?"

"No…not now. I thought – and Monica agreed – that we owed it to Emma to take our time and work through things before we try "us" again. No matter how much we love each other, we obviously still have issues. Maybe one day..." They all heard the longing in Chandler's voice, and Phoebe just smiled to herself. If he only knew…

Chandler glanced around at his friends, who were all smiling at him sympathetically, and realized that while he was sitting here with all four of them for company, Monica was upstairs with only a sleeping baby to talk to.

Just like it had been while he was at his mother's.

He felt a wave of guilt wash over him and for a moment, he wished he had insisted on staying with Emma and let Monica come downstairs. It wasn't fair that she was the one that kept being left on her own.

"Hey Rach, will you do me a favor?"

"Sure."

"Um…Mon's upstairs with the baby…all by herself…"

Rachel smiled in immediate understanding, and reached for her jacket.

"You know what? I think I'll go upstairs and get Monica's side of the gossip – uh, story."

"Ooh! I'm coming too!"

Rachel looked a little surprised, but she simply nodded and let Phoebe follow her out the door. As soon as the girls were gone, Ross and Joey moved over to sit next to Chandler, ready to hear all the details. Chandler ignored them and took a sip of his coffee, hoping they would leave him alone, or at least talk about something other than his relationship with Monica.

No such luck.

"Monica?" Rachel called out softly, trying to get Monica's attention without waking up Emma. A few seconds later, Monica came out of Emma's bedroom with the baby in her arms.

"Hey Rach. Oh…hey Phoebe."

Monica looked surprised to see Phoebe in her apartment, and Rachel couldn't blame her. It was no secret that Phoebe and Joey had been avoiding Monica since she broke up with Chandler. At first it was out of loyalty to Chandler and later out of…well, guilt, Rachel had assumed, for starting to avoid her in the first place. Monica had never held it against any of them, but… Rachel knew that Monica felt the tension, and she would bet her silver bracelet collection that Monica had shed more than a few tears about the situation.

"Hey, Mon." Phoebe looked like she was starting to wonder if she should have stayed downstairs with the guys. She lowered her eyes and took a deep breath, preparing to launch into a long overdue apology, but Monica stepped forward before she could speak.

"Hold Emma for me? I need to get her another blanket."

Phoebe glanced up, her arm automatically reaching out to accept the baby, and met Monica's eyes in surprise. Monica smiled gently. It seemed that it was the day for mending broken relationships.

"Don't apologize. You're here now."

Rachel grinned at the simple reunion, and interrupted the moment before it got too sappy. She didn't want to talk about how stupid they all had been – she wanted to talk about how stupid Chandler and Monica had been.

"So…we saw Chandler downstairs."

Monica glanced at her friend, eyebrows raised but not surprised. "Did you?"

"Yep. Sooo…?"

Monica sighed and scrunched up her face.

"Any way I can divert your interest to any topic other than Chandler and me?"

"Not a chance."

"Didn't think so."

Rachel jumped onto the couch and crossed her legs, eager to get the conversation started. Phoebe followed more slowly, returning Emma - who was now awake and starting to whimper for her mother - to Monica. Monica sighed and reached for a pacifier before settling into the armchair with Emma. It was going to be a long afternoon…

"Hello ladies!"

Four pairs of eyes swung toward the door as Chandler walked into the room, but he was only aware of two sets of bright blue ones. Ignoring Rachel and Phoebe, he knelt in front of Monica and tickled the bottom of Emma's foot, making her grin and squirm happily in Monica's arms.

"How's my favorite girl feeling? Mommy took good care of you, huh?" He winked at Monica, then leaned forward under the pretense of lifting Emma out of Monica's lap.

"I thought you might need saving," he whispered in her ear, pausing long enough to read the relief in her eyes before he stood up with Emma. So he wasn't the only one tired of questions.

"Phoebs, why don't we go down and get some coffee? Emma's probably…tired…" Rachel trailed off, unable to come up with a good reason to leave them alone. Phoebe, though, didn't understand the suggestion, and looked at Rachel incredulously.

"Tired? She's been sleeping all day. Besides, that child could sleep through a hurricane."

Rachel shook her head and spoke through clenched teeth.

"Phoebe, let's go downstairs and leave Chandler and Monica alone."

Phoebe's eyes widened in sudden understanding and she nodded excitedly.

"Oh! Yeah, coffee. Coffee's good. Hey, Rach, let's go get some of that."

Rachel rolled her eyes and glanced back at Monica with a smirk as she walked toward the door. Chandler grinned as the door shut behind them.

"Subtlety is completely lost on them, isn't it?"

Monica sank deeper into the chair, looking up at him wearily.

"Did you have to endure the same exhausting process with Ross and Joey as I did with them?"

Chandler nodded solemnly. "Yeah. I feel like I've just relived every minute of the past three years, and then they put me through every possible scenario for the next ten. Did you know there's a good chance that I'm going to die an early death all alone while you get married to a rich lawyer and move to Paris with Emma?"

Monica smiled. "That sounds like a Ross scenario."

Chandler grinned back. "It was. Joey, by the way, is a hopeless romantic. In his mind, we either live happily ever after and have like ten kids, or we spend the rest of our lives trying to find someone else, only to realize when it's too late that we should have been together the whole time."

"Wow. That's really depressing."

"I thought so, too. I guess it's Joey's subtle way of telling me that he thinks we should give up the whole "friends" thing and just get back together."

"So…what did you tell them? About why we're not together?"

Chandler looked at her, his eyes slightly worried.

"I told them we agreed it was best for Emma if we put our romantic relationship aside for now and got our friendship back on track."

Monica nodded. "Okay."

"We did agree, didn't we?"

"Yes," Monica replied, a little too quickly. "We agreed."

Chandler nodded, his eyes fastened to her face, not completely convinced. But then, he hadn't completely convinced himself it was best yet either, so he could hardly blame her for having the same doubts.

"So, what did Rach and Phoebe have to say?"

"They didn't say much…just plied me with questions – the same ones over and over and over. Are you sure he still loves you? Are you sure you still love him? Why did you decide to be friends? Ugh…and let's just say I had to tell them about how I found the ring on the table like twelve times. Emma's first word will probably be 'ring'."

Chandler grinned, happy for an opportunity to change the subject.

"No, Emma's first word will be "Dada". Right, Ems? Dada."

"Why Dada?" Monica asked, slightly annoyed. "I'm the one who endured hours of labor to bring her into the world. Why should you get her first word?"

Chandler smirked at her. "Just because. Dada, Emma. Da-da." He held his daughter up and looked at her expectantly, as if he really expected the three month old to be able to repeat the sound. Emma just stared at him blankly. Chandler finally shrugged and turned his attention to someone who could answer him, smiling at the look of pure annoyance still on Monica's face.

"Soo…got any plans for tonight?"

Monica shook her head thoughtfully. "No…Well, I was-" She stopped abruptly and gave him a slight smile. "We both seem to forget that I just broke up with my fiancé yesterday. Gosh, it seems like a lifetime, doesn't it?"

Chandler smiled back at her, though the very mention of Richard upset him. He ignored the pang of jealousy, reminding himself that Richard no longer had any claim to either one of the girls in the room. "Well since you're free…and I'm free… wanna order pizza?"

Monica gazed at him steadily. Could it really be that easy? Surely…surely it had to be more complicated than this.

"Okay."

"Okay." He grinned at her, surprised at how happy just sitting comfortably in the room with her made him. He lifted Emma up in front of him and kissed her forehead. "And we'll watch "Dumbo", won't we Emma? Just you and me and Mommy."

Monica's breath caught as Chandler turned to look at her, the same thought crossing both their minds at the same time.

You and me and Mommy.

It almost sounded like they were a family.

Chandler hit the rewind button, amazed that he – Chandler Bing – had actually watched a Disney movie all the way through – especially since neither Emma or Monica had made it past the first half hour.

"Man, I really am a father…" He glanced at Emma, who was sleeping in a bassinet Monica kept by the couch for just such an occasion. Her cheeks were slightly flushed, and her tiny fist was resting next to her head. Chandler smiled down at her, knowing that nothing in the world could ever be as beautiful to him as his child. Not even her mother.

His gaze turned to Monica. She looked exhausted. He knew without asking that she probably hadn't slept at all the night before, between their fight and her worries about Emma. And it had been a long, soul-searching, angst-ridden day. She deserved her rest.

He carefully lifted her feet off his lap and stood up. He'd put Emma to bed first, then carry Monica into her room, so she'd be more comfortable. Just as he was leaving Emma's room, there was a knock on the door. Chandler sighed, assuming it was one – or several – of their friends, just coming by to "check" on them. He glanced at Monica and walked over to the door, one finger already covering his lips in a gesture of silence for whoever was on the other side. Trying not to look annoyed, he swung the door open and froze.

"Richard?"

"Chandler! What the hell are you doing here?"

Chandler narrowed his eyes, daring Richard to question him further. "Well, for starters, my daughter lives here. What's your excuse?"

Richard ignored the question. "Where's Monica? I need to talk to her."

"Keep your voice down, Mr. Burke. Monica's asleep on the couch. I was just getting ready to take her into the bedroom."

Chandler didn't miss Richard's startled glance, but didn't comment. Richard pushed past him, obviously headed to the couch to wake Monica up, but Chandler grabbed his arm to stop him.

"I don't think you have anything to say that she wants to hear, and I can guarantee you that you won't want to hear what she has to say. Don't wake her up. She needs her rest."

Richard wheeled around, fastening a stony glare on Chandler. "Who are you to judge what Monica wants or needs?"

"You'd be surprised." Monica's solemn voice made them both turn toward the couch. Monica sat up slowly, her eyes locked on Richard. "What are you doing here, Richard?"

"Well, I…" Richard glanced at Chandler, obviously hoping he would go away and leave them some privacy. Chandler didn't move. Richard turned back to Monica, who didn't look too much more encouraging. "I…I love you. I thought…I was hoping you would change your mind. I want to marry you. You said you wanted to marry me…"

Chandler glanced at Monica anxiously, waiting for her reaction. Her eyes softened slightly, then her gaze turned from Richard to Chandler and back again.

"Richard, I'm sorry. Really I am. But when I told you that…I lied. To you, to myself…I never wanted to marry you, Richard. Not really. You were just a substitute. I hate to put it so bluntly, but it's the truth. I meant what I told you yesterday. I don't love you. We weren't meant to be, and there's nothing that can change that."

"But, Mon, we-"

"There's not buts, Richard. I'm sorry."

Richard looked at Chandler, and for just a second, Chandler could relate to what he was probably feeling. He even felt sorry for him. But he wasn't about to let him ruin his life a second time.

"Richard, I think it's best if you leave."

"Just tell me one thing. Do you love him?"

Monica looked at Chandler and smiled gently, making his heart race. "I do."

Richard closed his eyes, the words obviously breaking his heart. After a moment, he took a deep breath.

"Okay then…if he's what you want, then I hope you're happy." His voice implied that he deemed this impossible. After a moment's hesitation, he looked at Chandler, his eyes challenging him.

"Don't break her heart again."

Chandler nodded silently and looked over at Monica.

"I don't intend to." It was a promise to Monica rather than Richard, but Richard accepted it. He glanced back at Monica one more time, and walked out the door.

Central Perk was more crowded than usual when Chandler made his way into the restaurant the next day at lunchtime. He looked around for Monica, and finally spotted her sitting at a table in the back with Joey. He smiled, hoping that they had finally made up completely. Judging from the smiles on both faces, they had. He sauntered over to them, and pulled up a chair, straddling it as he greeted them.

"Hey guys. What's going on?"

Monica turned to him with a smile. "Joey was just telling me about this audition he's going to. He's gotta…well…"

Monica blushed and trailed off, unable to finish. Joey quickly leaned over and whispered the explanation to Chandler.

"Ohhh…" He sent Joey a confused look. "But, how can you audition for the part if you don't have…"

"Monica's gonna help me make one."

Chandler tilted his head to one side and raised his eyebrows, sending Joey a glance of disbelief before turning to Monica.

"Okay, first of all, I would love to hear on how you're planning to "make" an uncircumcised penis. (AN: Can't remember when that whole thing was…but I think it was in season seven. And if it wasn't…well, just pretend.) And two," Chandler turned suspicious eyes on Joey. "I would also love to hear why you chose Monica to help you with that."

            Joey grinned. "We're not making a penis. The one I've got works just fine," he continued with a smirk. "We're just going to make a…well…a wrap, sorta…"

            Chandler glanced at Monica, who looked like she couldn't decide whether to laugh at Joey or be embarrassed about her part in the whole thing. She simply shrugged at Chandler, wiling to let Joey continue explaining their escapade.

            "And as for Monica…well, she's good at the kind of artsy-craftsy sort of thing."

            "But…but…"

            "Relax, man. She's not going to see anything."

            Chandler sighed, obviously relieved.

            "Hmm…good. Well, it's nice to know you guys are friends again."

            Joey and Monica looked at each other with matching smiles, but didn't answer. Joey stood up and clapped a hand on Chandler's shoulder.

            "I'll leave you two to your lunch. Mon, I'll see you this afternoon, okay?"

            "Sure, Joe."

            Chandler watched Joey leave and turned back to Monica.

            "Where do you want to go for lunch?"

            Monica shrugged. "You choose."

            "Gee, Mon. Don't sound so excited."

            Monica raised her eyes to his and smiled apologetically.

            "I'm sorry, Chandler. I don't mean to sound like I don't want to be here, but…I'm just a little uncomfortable. That line between friends and lovers…it's always been thin for us, and now I'm totally clueless as to where it is."

            Chandler just nodded. "I know."

            They were both silent for a moment before Monica spoke softly.

"You don't completely trust me, do you?"

            "With Joey? Of course I do."

            "No, not with Joey. Just…in general. I saw the look on your face when Richard came by last night. You were afraid that I would take him back, weren't you?"

            Chandler remained silent, his eyes down, not even wanting to admit it to himself, much less to Monica.

            "Chandler?"

            He looked up and gave a slight nod. "I was scared."

            "Why? You know that I love you…"

            Chandler swallowed and reached for Joey's empty coffee cup so his hands would have something to do.

            "Well, Mon…I thought I knew it before, too, and you still…"

            "That's why we're doing this, isn't it? Being friends again first. Not only for Emma, but so we can learn to trust each other again. So you can trust me again."

            Chandler nodded again, his eyes still glued to the cup in his hands.

            "Yeah…yeah, I guess so."

            Monica nodded, then reached across the table to squeeze his hand.

            "Just so you know, Chandler…I know how much I must have hurt you by getting engaged to someone else. I can only imagine how you felt. But I'll wait…Until you can truly trust me with your heart again, I'll wait for you."

            Chandler looked up at her, his eyes filling quickly with tears and nodded.

"And if you…I'll wait for you too."

Monica smiled and stood up.

"Let's go get lunch. I've been talking to Joey, so it goes without saying that I'm in the mood for pizza." She paused as a strange expression crossed her face. "But not at the pig sex place."

            Chandler swallowed a laugh and stood up. How could it be so hard…and yet so easy, all at the same time?

"If I Should Fall Behind"

Faith Hill

We said we'd walk together
Baby come what may
Back from the twilight
Should we lose our way
As we were walking
A hand should slip free
I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind wait for me

Swore we'd travel together
Darlin' side by side
We'd help each other
Stay in stride
Each lover steps on
So differently
So I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind wait for me

Everyone dreams of
A love lasting and true
You and I know what this world can do
So let's make ourselves be
That the other may see
And I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind wait for me

There's a beautiful river
In the valley ahead
There need be no drought
Soon we will wed
Should we lose each other
In the shadow of the evening dreams
Oh, I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind wait for me
Darlin' I'll wait for you
Should I fall behind wait for me

Wait for me
If I should fall behind wait for me
Wait for me

            Thanks to Rogue for using this song in a fic and reminding me of it!