Disclaimer: Gravitation belongs to Murakami-sensei.

Infatuation
by Miyamoto Yui

Chapter 2 - Kotae. (Answer.)

So lost in thought, I fell asleep on the couch. But then, I heard some shuffling of feet. As I opened my eyes, there was Yuki reaching down to carry me. "You baka."

And this was supposed to be endearment?

But he was smiling a bit and that made me feel so much better as I let him carry me back to the bedroom. "You know I can't go to sleep without you talking to me..." he whispered not really knowing that I was awake at all.

It were times like these that I really questioned his feelings for me. And my moods swung as fast as his actions towards me. Maybe he was doing this out of guilt? I dunno.

As he laid me on the bed, he began to take off his shirt and pants to change into his pajamas. There he was yawning and rubbing his eyes like a lost little kid in the middle of the night.
Well, it was already 4 o'clock when I glanced at the watch.

"Yuki?" I mumbled.

As he came into bed, he blinked his eyes and said, "Nani?"
I cupped my hands together and just looked at him. "Nothing..."
"Ah." He lifted his head as usual to comply and positioned himself for sleep.
I curled up next to him and whispered, "Ne, Yuuki~?"
"Nani?" he sleepily replied. "Just ask already."
"I..." but I couldn't say it. I didn't know how to say it...
He turned off the light, but I could still see his face as he looked at me. Putting his hand on my cheek, he asked again, "Nani?"

Then, for no reason, I started to cry as he did that.

Alarmed, he looked at me worriedly. "What? What did I do this time?"

Always so guilty...
So guilty of hurting me...

"Is it because I didn't go with you today?" He then held me closer and said, "Okay...then we'll go later."
I smiled, but I was still crying.
"I don't understand why are you crying." he continued to get upset as well as irritated.
Kissing his cheek, I ran my fingers through his hair and said, "Sorry...it was nothing. Oyasumi."
Turning around, about two minutes later, he began to breathe deeply. And I knew he was asleep.

But there I stayed awake like many other nights.
And like so many other nights, being unable to go to sleep, I tucked Yuki in with the sheets and left to go to the living room. As I sat on the couch once again, I shook my head and found myself taking my coat and putting on my shoes for a walk outside.

But I sighed as I heard the crickets begin to chirp.

I don't know where to go...
Who to ask why Yuki is like this to me...

So, after a long time of walking, I knocked on the one person who was closest to answering any of this...

"Ne? Hiro?" I knocked on the door. "Ne?"
He rubbed his eyes as he opened the door. "Osu."
I began to hold my fists in frustration and so I began to shake. Immediately, he took a hold of my arms. "Oi, nan desu ka? Daijoubu? Oi, Shuichi!"
I then looked up to him and found myself crying for the millionth time because of Yuki's misgivings...his shortcomings that seemed to last so long inside of me...

I can only cry so freely with you, Hiro.
Yuki would have shut me up again, if it were there in the apt...

He again sighed and shook his head. "I don't know what to do with you..."
Then, he began to pat my head and pushed me inside. With his two warm hands, he pushed me to the couch, but I didn't want to sit down.

I have always loved your balcony.

I walked over to the balcony and leaned on the railing. Watching the sun rising, I put my hand over my forehead to block the light.

And once again, another day begins...
It just happened to be the day that Yuki had looked at me for the first time...
...with that cold look and lips that told me, "No talent."

Again, tears began to emerge and I began to sob.

Hiro was there with orange juice for me to drink but he then took my shoulders. "You. Just cry here."
He then hugged me and I think for the millionth time he had sighed.

Was it because of Yuki?
Or was it me?
But...but I just chose to be with Yuki...so does that make this any better, Hiro?

I couldn't quite put my feelings to words. That's why I was so terrible with lyrics...

"Shuichi, why are you crying?" He patted my back. "Yuki do something, AGAIN?"
"Kind of..."

That was the first time that Yuki or I hadn't done something to each other directly. There was no fighting.
It was just me thinking...

"He didn't want to go with me anywhere yesterday." I just said.
But Hiro, being the best friend that probably knew more about me than I knew about me, shook his head. "You're lying to me, Shuichi."
"I..."
"You're really crying right now. You're not whining...and you're actually quiet." He then let go of me and lifted up my chin. "You better tell me, Shuichi. Or Yuki will hear from me again."

I then smiled and laughed.

Leave it to Hiro to really understand and love me like a true best friend...

"What?" He then began to smile. "You think I can't take him."
I then punched his arm. "Maybe...it's the other way around."
Then, I turned around.
He mumbled in shocked, "Shuichi..."

After a long silence, I finally whispered,"I...I just want to know why Yuki is like this to me. I want to know why it's always like this. What's important to him is important to me, but when it's important to me, he sometimes doesn't think it's important...

I want to know..." but I couldn't finish.

"What do you want, Shuichi?"
"I don't know. I really don't know, Hiro." I looked at him and leaned my arms on the railing. "If I knew, do you think I'd be here trying to ask you a question that I should be asking Yuki?"

I wouldn't be asking at all...that's for sure...
if it were with Yuki...

I wanted so much to ask, "Why do you always do this to me?"

Do you really love me...

I think that was the underlying question, but was too afraid of the answer I'd get...

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Author's note: Yes, it's been a long time but I think I'll pick up the pace in a month.