Disclaimer: I don't own HP or any of these characters. That belongs to JKR, Scholastic Books, Warner Brothers, etc. Also, one little part was influenced by JA.
Part III: Stay
Gone.
That's all I can think of. That's all I've been thinking of. She's gone. Gone away, gone out of my life. And I don't know if I will ever see her again.
Some lovers count the minutes, hours, and days since they parted. I can't. Because every second has been an eternity without her. I still can't believe that she's so thoroughly not here.
I thought I had stopped her. I thought I had convinced her. When she told me good-bye, I thought she had come to her senses and decided to let the story live on. I thought the happy ending would come.
I never thought that she would just walk out of my life. I never thought she would leave everything—including me!—behind. If I had known, I would have done anything and everything to stop her.
Because I love her. It's the truth. But sometimes, the truth is a terrible, as a wise man once warned me. And this truth would have brought down our whole world because we were not assigned to play the part of lovers. We were just supposed to be the greatest of friends. And we were and still are—so close that we could not help but love.
I don't know when I first started loving her—I was in the middle of it before I even realized it. But realizing it was both wondrous and terrifying. It was wondrous to know that I could feel so deeply, that I could love so completely—and that love was return in full, with no questions ever asked.
It was terrifying, absolutely horrifying to know that I would never be able to confess my love. That I would never be able to grace the air with those three words nor would I ever hear those words given unto me by my love. That this truth could never see the light of day because that would end the our happy tale.
And to be completely honest, it made perfect sense that she should love another. That she and my best friend would find their hearts united, that childish teasing would lead to the deepest of loves. When I first saw them together—and I mean really together—I was so relieved. What was meant to happen had finally happened and all was right with the world.
Only that wasn't true. All the time she spent with him, she did so because that's what everyone thought she should do. During all that time, she was in love with me.
And I with her. Even now, I love her. Even now, I feel it, the love that binds us together even though we were never together, even though we're not together—and even though we may never be together. Though my heart breaks at that thought.
It's absolutely impossible! We were never meant to fall in love. She was also meant for the other. It must have been some sadistic twist of fate that led us to love one another! Somehow, someway, we fell for each other and I still fall today. I remember her eyes, her lips, her hair. I remember her words, her looks, her deeds. And I can't help but fall deeper in love with her.
All this in spite of the fact that she's gone. Gone out of my world, taking my life with her. Gone.
And I can't stand it. If she had remained here, by my side though not with me, I could have stood it. Just knowing where she was and that she was safe was enough. I loved her and could not have her, but the thought that she was content brightened my day. The fact that my love was happy was enough for me to live.
I no longer have that comfort. I don't know where she is. I don't know what she feels. All I know was that she made it plain to me before she left that she was in pain because she couldn't be with me. I told myself it was just an infatuation. I convinced myself that eventually the pain would stop. But now she's gone, I cannot help but face the truth. It was never an infatuation. It was always love. And she loved me so much that she was willing to end the story so that she could be with me. I only wish that I had been that strong.
It's funny how the life moved along in spite of her being gone. When she left, it only made ripples in the stream. It was a surprise, a shock to most. They had never seen it coming. But once it had happened, that was it. The fairy tale ending everyone was expecting would never come to pass and most everyone was fine with it.
There was only one who was almost upset at her departure as I was—and that was my best friend.
Listening to his rants and raves about her varied imperfections was hell. Lending a shoulder for him to cry on as he went on and on about how much he missed her touch was absolute torture.
How dare he complain about her imperfections so? Sure, she could be annoying—but her little quirks were what made her Hermione. And how dare he moan and groan about how much he missed her touch? At least he had gotten to know what it feels like to kiss her, what it feels like to have her hand in his hair. At least he had gotten the chance to hang those words on air—and have the favor returned.
I was never that lucky. All I had was my dreams to live on and my hope that she would be happy with him. And now, I don't even have that.
We had our greatest row over the fact that Hermione left us both.
One night, I just could not take it anymore. He had gone through his usual routine—he started by enumerating her faults and raving about them one by one. Then, after a pause to gather breath, he switched tracks and started crying over how much he missed her and how much he just wanted to see her one last time.
That's when I lost it. I ripped into him viciously, accusing him of never having loved. I told him he had no right at all to come crying to me when I had never gotten the chance to hold her as I so often had longed to do. I told him that I didn't want to hear her list of faults from him because I love them all. Because they all were hers and I love her. And I told him that he had no reason to be so heart-broken when it was I who had never gotten the chance to declare my love.
Silence reigned for a minute and one could feel the anger that was building up in him.
He tore into me. He told me that at least I was the one that she was sorry to leave behind. He accused me of not doing enough to keep her here, with us, where she always had been. He said I had no right to say he had no reason for his broken heart when I never shed any tears over her being gone.
We parted ways soon after that and it was months before we spoke again.
It was him that finally decided to mend our broken friendship. He had come up to me and apologized for the words he had said. He said he was sorry for knowing that I missed her so much more than him while coming to me to wail about her being gone. He said he wanted me to know that he was still my friend and would always be there for me if I ever needed a shoulder to cry on.
Those words broke something inside of me. I cried, for the first time, since she left me. I had been holding all that pain in, but finally I was able to grieve. And my best friend did everything he could to help me get past my grief.
It eventually became another thing to regret. Ron was able to accept what Hermione and I had between us. If I had agreed to end the farce when she had asked me, I now know that he would have been able to get over the jealousy and hurt that would follow our confession. So now I regret I didn't have enough faith in my very first friend ever. If I had believed in him, I would have acted—and she would have never left.
Gone. That thought continues to occupy me, as I sit here in Diagon Alley, watching my ice cream melt as I shift my spoon through it mindlessly. I remember that time I had met her here once—in the summer before our third year, with both her and Ron yelling my name to get my attention. I wish I could see her now.
But suddenly—it's like the very air around me has changed, has somehow become richer and more vibrant. I can feel my world coming alive and my heart begin to beat.
She's here.
I know it, even before she approaches me. She's here. The thought occupies my mind, even as she comes toward me. She's here. I can't think of anything else, though she's hugging me now and whispering into my ear.
"Hello, handsome. Would you like me to . . ."
"Stay."
Author's note: Harry might have had trouble with keeping track of time, but I can tell you that it's been about three years since the last part. And it'll be about a year till the next part. I'm speaking of fanfic time, of course.
A big thank you goes out to everyone's who reviewed the last two chapters—I
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