disclaimer: Maki Murakami owns Gravi.
Infatuation
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 9 - Absolutely.
When I opened my eyes, I turned over to face Tatsuha. He was still hugging me, but I pushed his bangs out of his face so that I could look closely at him.
He who had said to me, "I need you."
I wanted to clench Yuki's shirt at that moment and shout in his face, "See?! See this is what you can't understand!"
But that was just a childish outburst on my part. I couldn't help but want to cry and so when I was going to get out of the bed, Tatsuha pulled me closer to him. Whispering in my ear, he said, "What are you crying about now, Shuichi?"
I opened my eyes a bit wide. How did he know?
"I'm, I'm not crying," I said in protest.
"Yes, you are." He held me tighter. "Whenever you cry, I can feel it."
I held him tighter with nothing to say.
When we walked over to the studio, everyone was surprised to see me there. Hiro took my shoulder and brought me into an open room.
"You should be getting rest, Shuichi," he said with full of concern.
"I'm fine." I then went to the window and pressed my hands on the windowpane.
He came over and placed his hand over my shoulders. "Liar."
Then, he began to embrace my shoulders warmly from behind. "If there's anything, just tell me, Shuichi."
He began to sigh. "What are you hiding, Shuichi? Is this something that you can't even tell me?"
"It's not that Hiro..." I stared at the city outside below us.
"Everyone's so worried about you," he whispered. "And I can't keep up looking like I'm not, Shuichi."
I leaned back on Hiro and began to feel at ease. If...if only I had fallen in love with this person...
Everything would have been fine, ne?
Hiro...who always loves me despite everything...
Silence.
"I...am living with Tatsuha right now." I finally let out. If I didn't let it out and even to Hiro, what kind of person am I? Hiro of all people to hold things from!
"Oh." Hiro didn't let go of his grip, but nor did he scold me. He stayed there still hugging me looking out the window with me. "Do you like being with him?"
I blinked my eyes and nodded.
Everything felt like it was in slow motion; and I couldn't help but think that it was because I was prolonging everything.
"Then, what's wrong? Yuki?" he whispered with an even lower tone.
That's when all my emotions began to flow up to the surface and I was so confused that I pushed Hiro away from me. I stepped back with my hands on my head and my eyes closed. "I don't know! I don't know what's wrong!"
I opened my eyes to myself blurry-eyed. "All I know is that even though I love Tatsuha, there is something wrong with it! A guilt that is in my heart! And it won't go away!
It isn't about Yuki anymore...it's about me!"
Shaking as he walked closer to me, I shouted with my hands clenched while looking Hiro straight in the eye, "I...I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!"
That's when I finally broke down as he placed his arms around my quivering body like a bird that didn't know how to sing or leave its nest.
At that moment, the television that had been on all this time, pushed itself to the foreground and we finally heard it.
Out of the corner of my ear, I heard, "And here's our special guest today, Yuki Eiri."
I stopped crying to see Yuki's face come onto the screen.
"You're smile...is off..." I mumbled to myself knowing that it made no sense to me.
As if in a trance, I walked over to the television and knelt by it. I found myself touching the screen in front of me as if I were trying to reach out for his cheek.
Trying to still touch that Yuki that seemed so far away from me...
Still in a trance, he adjusted the mike stand as he held it with both of his hands. He fixed his blue shirt, which was only holding on by one button. And his usual black slacks hugged his waist just as well as they did with Sakuma-san's.
Yuki closed his eyes and opened them with a determination in his eyes.
"Isn't this a special treat today?" said the announcer with a smile. "Today, Yuki Eiri will sing the song he made for his latest book called, 'Absolutely'."
Yuki winked at the camera and tapped his foot. Then, he whispered to the microphone, "I watched you too many times, didn't I?"
My hand still touched the screen and I couldn't hear anything but Yuki, as if he were singing to me...
"(whisper) When the wind moves
a new air has come,
have I lost you forever?
I hope not,
but it may be otherwise...
In this silence,
this barrier that seems to break us apart
what is it that you seek from me?
I can give nothing.
But that isn't the case.
I lied
when I said I didn't care.
When you performed on stage,
I saw the passion that had faded from me,
the drive to live without my living corpse
and when I thought I lost everything,
there were you were
standing in front of me.
And this is the me sleeping inside of you
in this silence
you don't understand
how much I really need you.
I don't say anything,
but can you hear
how much I love you?
(whisper) I don't know
how to show you
I can't smile when I don't know how.
But what is it that you want?
I've tried to keep myself
from becoming weak
only to hurt you
by doing so, pretending
to be strong.
And what is it am I afraid of?
This force that
Maybe you'll leave me someday
before I get to do anything?
That I'd bared my heart to you
and you'll step all over it,
betray me like someone
I once knew?
Ashita silence
Is this the life I've been living
I think I can look strong,
but when you're away-
Don't you ever understand what
I can't say to you?
Too many words, too many feelings,
all contained within my mind
and my heart...
and I can't even express them to you.
where do we go from here?
I hope that you'll stay beside me...
despite the silence...
between...
You and Me."
Here was yet another surprise from Yuki...
I stared at the television in absolute silence. I couldn't utter a word.
But before he ended the song, I found myself sitting on the ground like a lump. I couldn't hear anything around me anymore.
All my hurt had made me numb.
I was like a doll looking outside of myself. As Tears fell from the sides of my face, I couldn't feel anything anymore.
I didn't know if I had been slapped or was this the sign that I had been waiting for all this time.
I sat there not knowing anything...
Nothing at all...
--
Author's note: Damn! *frustrated* I thought Killing Me Softly was hard, but this is so much harder! ;_; At least we're getting to the end! Maybe 2-4 chapters to go?? *sighs*
Ashita - tomorrow
Infatuation
by Miyamoto Yui
Chapter 9 - Absolutely.
When I opened my eyes, I turned over to face Tatsuha. He was still hugging me, but I pushed his bangs out of his face so that I could look closely at him.
He who had said to me, "I need you."
I wanted to clench Yuki's shirt at that moment and shout in his face, "See?! See this is what you can't understand!"
But that was just a childish outburst on my part. I couldn't help but want to cry and so when I was going to get out of the bed, Tatsuha pulled me closer to him. Whispering in my ear, he said, "What are you crying about now, Shuichi?"
I opened my eyes a bit wide. How did he know?
"I'm, I'm not crying," I said in protest.
"Yes, you are." He held me tighter. "Whenever you cry, I can feel it."
I held him tighter with nothing to say.
When we walked over to the studio, everyone was surprised to see me there. Hiro took my shoulder and brought me into an open room.
"You should be getting rest, Shuichi," he said with full of concern.
"I'm fine." I then went to the window and pressed my hands on the windowpane.
He came over and placed his hand over my shoulders. "Liar."
Then, he began to embrace my shoulders warmly from behind. "If there's anything, just tell me, Shuichi."
He began to sigh. "What are you hiding, Shuichi? Is this something that you can't even tell me?"
"It's not that Hiro..." I stared at the city outside below us.
"Everyone's so worried about you," he whispered. "And I can't keep up looking like I'm not, Shuichi."
I leaned back on Hiro and began to feel at ease. If...if only I had fallen in love with this person...
Everything would have been fine, ne?
Hiro...who always loves me despite everything...
Silence.
"I...am living with Tatsuha right now." I finally let out. If I didn't let it out and even to Hiro, what kind of person am I? Hiro of all people to hold things from!
"Oh." Hiro didn't let go of his grip, but nor did he scold me. He stayed there still hugging me looking out the window with me. "Do you like being with him?"
I blinked my eyes and nodded.
Everything felt like it was in slow motion; and I couldn't help but think that it was because I was prolonging everything.
"Then, what's wrong? Yuki?" he whispered with an even lower tone.
That's when all my emotions began to flow up to the surface and I was so confused that I pushed Hiro away from me. I stepped back with my hands on my head and my eyes closed. "I don't know! I don't know what's wrong!"
I opened my eyes to myself blurry-eyed. "All I know is that even though I love Tatsuha, there is something wrong with it! A guilt that is in my heart! And it won't go away!
It isn't about Yuki anymore...it's about me!"
Shaking as he walked closer to me, I shouted with my hands clenched while looking Hiro straight in the eye, "I...I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY!!!"
That's when I finally broke down as he placed his arms around my quivering body like a bird that didn't know how to sing or leave its nest.
At that moment, the television that had been on all this time, pushed itself to the foreground and we finally heard it.
Out of the corner of my ear, I heard, "And here's our special guest today, Yuki Eiri."
I stopped crying to see Yuki's face come onto the screen.
"You're smile...is off..." I mumbled to myself knowing that it made no sense to me.
As if in a trance, I walked over to the television and knelt by it. I found myself touching the screen in front of me as if I were trying to reach out for his cheek.
Trying to still touch that Yuki that seemed so far away from me...
Still in a trance, he adjusted the mike stand as he held it with both of his hands. He fixed his blue shirt, which was only holding on by one button. And his usual black slacks hugged his waist just as well as they did with Sakuma-san's.
Yuki closed his eyes and opened them with a determination in his eyes.
"Isn't this a special treat today?" said the announcer with a smile. "Today, Yuki Eiri will sing the song he made for his latest book called, 'Absolutely'."
Yuki winked at the camera and tapped his foot. Then, he whispered to the microphone, "I watched you too many times, didn't I?"
My hand still touched the screen and I couldn't hear anything but Yuki, as if he were singing to me...
"(whisper) When the wind moves
a new air has come,
have I lost you forever?
I hope not,
but it may be otherwise...
In this silence,
this barrier that seems to break us apart
what is it that you seek from me?
I can give nothing.
But that isn't the case.
I lied
when I said I didn't care.
When you performed on stage,
I saw the passion that had faded from me,
the drive to live without my living corpse
and when I thought I lost everything,
there were you were
standing in front of me.
And this is the me sleeping inside of you
in this silence
you don't understand
how much I really need you.
I don't say anything,
but can you hear
how much I love you?
(whisper) I don't know
how to show you
I can't smile when I don't know how.
But what is it that you want?
I've tried to keep myself
from becoming weak
only to hurt you
by doing so, pretending
to be strong.
And what is it am I afraid of?
This force that
Maybe you'll leave me someday
before I get to do anything?
That I'd bared my heart to you
and you'll step all over it,
betray me like someone
I once knew?
Ashita silence
Is this the life I've been living
I think I can look strong,
but when you're away-
Don't you ever understand what
I can't say to you?
Too many words, too many feelings,
all contained within my mind
and my heart...
and I can't even express them to you.
where do we go from here?
I hope that you'll stay beside me...
despite the silence...
between...
You and Me."
Here was yet another surprise from Yuki...
I stared at the television in absolute silence. I couldn't utter a word.
But before he ended the song, I found myself sitting on the ground like a lump. I couldn't hear anything around me anymore.
All my hurt had made me numb.
I was like a doll looking outside of myself. As Tears fell from the sides of my face, I couldn't feel anything anymore.
I didn't know if I had been slapped or was this the sign that I had been waiting for all this time.
I sat there not knowing anything...
Nothing at all...
--
Author's note: Damn! *frustrated* I thought Killing Me Softly was hard, but this is so much harder! ;_; At least we're getting to the end! Maybe 2-4 chapters to go?? *sighs*
Ashita - tomorrow