Part XVI: Ammë*
~Estella~
I felt Life slowly diminished in my body. I stopped eating and pretending everything was fine. I didn't have the strength to go on anymore. There was no purpose for living; therefore I gladly allowed Death to took over my weakened body and soul.
I thought I already dead when I heard a beautiful voice singing in my mind. I didn't understand what was said, but I was certain it was a kind of magic for I felt warmth rushing through my cold dying body. I was very disappointed the Death had spared me from the fate I longed with every breath I took each day. My consciousness came back to me slowly but sure. I could feel again. I knew someone was holding me and caress my hair gently.
"Naneth*?" I opened my eyes. I saw my mother smiling at me. Her deep affection and concern was clear in her eyes.
"Estella, iellen*." She kept caressing my hair with her silky touch. Comfortable and warm it was, but I was afraid. I trembled lightly, hoping it would go unnoticed, but she knew.
"What are you afraid of, iellen?" She tried to pry into my eyes, but I shut them tight.
"Naneth, please. Leave me alone." I whispered, for I didn't have any strength left. I opened my eyes to meet hers with pleading gaze.
To my dismay, she didn't leave me; instead she ordered others to leave us alone, adding my fear.
"What are you going to do to me, naneth?" I looked at her bewildered and afraid at the same time. I couldn't help but realized how helpless I was, I could not run away, I must surrender to anything people intend to do to me and that awareness increased my despair.
"Please do not fear me. I have to help you. You have to deal with the pain before it overcomes you."
"Please no. Don't ask me to face it." I had managed to suppress them with great effort for such a long time; I didn't want to loose my defense now. It was immensely painful and I didn't dare to face it.
She started to sing a sad song. So sad, it touched the core of my being, emerging the sad emotion that I could suppress no more.
She reached out her arms, trying to hug me. Tears welled up in my eyes, it was useless to fight it, but I kept trying. I shut my eyes and pushed her away with my feeble hands. "Please, naneth, please." I begged. My voice faded, tears streaming down my face. I stopped pushing her as I sank my face to my hands and sobbed, my body shook harder.
Mother didn't say a word. Neither power nor wisdom could heal my wounded soul, and she knew it perfectly well. She embraced my shaking body with all gentleness and affection she could give. "I know it is hard for you, Estella." She tried to soothe me, but I became furious. I burst in my anguish, "No, you don't know." She was not surprised at my outrage, though I never spoke to her in such manner. She hugged me again and I sobbed even harder, the dam of tears I held for months exploded and tears flowed freely.
"Mourn, iellen. Cry. Let it go. Tears will wash away the bitterness." She comforted me as I cried in her shoulder. "Say what is in your heart. Do not keep it."
"I …I…. I am afraid of my future. So afraid. I cannot face it. I want to die." I murmured with my weak voice. She held me tighter. Warm tears fell from her eyes touching my skin.
"Forgive me, naneth. Please forgive me." I sank my face deeper to her shoulder. My body still shaking.
"You have committed no crime, dear."
"I am such a coward." I was too weak to cry again, but the tears were still flowing.
"Who would call you coward but yourself? Nay, you are a courageous Elf, and always be." Her comforting words couldn't convince me, but I didn't argue.
After long hours of weeping and sobbing we broke apart. I still felt depressed, but somehow it felt better than numbness. She softly wiped away my tears from my face, then raised and went to the table to bring me a plate of fruits and a goblet of liquid. "You must eat something, Estella."
I nodded. She sat beside me and watched as I ate. "It has been long since I could feel the joy of having you around me." I couldn't help by smile at her; she often used complicated words when speaking. "I miss you too, nana*."
"I haven't heard that word for so long, iellen." She looked very pleased as a broad smile spreading on her graceful face. It was an intimate word which I stopped using after I learned that I wasn't her blood daughter. I knew not that she actually took delight in hearing me call her nana.
I ate few berries and a couple gulps of the liquid, fortunately without vomiting. I couldn't eat more and she didn't push me to. She kissed me on my forehead and walked to the door. I thought she was leaving, but as if she heard my silent plea, she turned around. "I will stay with you tonight, Estella. Long journey doesn't tire me, but weary of your well being does."
*Ammë = mother in Quenya
*naneth = mother in Sindarin
*iellen = my daughter in Sindarin. Iell or sell = daughter, -en = my.
*nana = mom in Sindarin.
Anyone still care to review? This story will end in few more chapters.
~Estella~
I felt Life slowly diminished in my body. I stopped eating and pretending everything was fine. I didn't have the strength to go on anymore. There was no purpose for living; therefore I gladly allowed Death to took over my weakened body and soul.
I thought I already dead when I heard a beautiful voice singing in my mind. I didn't understand what was said, but I was certain it was a kind of magic for I felt warmth rushing through my cold dying body. I was very disappointed the Death had spared me from the fate I longed with every breath I took each day. My consciousness came back to me slowly but sure. I could feel again. I knew someone was holding me and caress my hair gently.
"Naneth*?" I opened my eyes. I saw my mother smiling at me. Her deep affection and concern was clear in her eyes.
"Estella, iellen*." She kept caressing my hair with her silky touch. Comfortable and warm it was, but I was afraid. I trembled lightly, hoping it would go unnoticed, but she knew.
"What are you afraid of, iellen?" She tried to pry into my eyes, but I shut them tight.
"Naneth, please. Leave me alone." I whispered, for I didn't have any strength left. I opened my eyes to meet hers with pleading gaze.
To my dismay, she didn't leave me; instead she ordered others to leave us alone, adding my fear.
"What are you going to do to me, naneth?" I looked at her bewildered and afraid at the same time. I couldn't help but realized how helpless I was, I could not run away, I must surrender to anything people intend to do to me and that awareness increased my despair.
"Please do not fear me. I have to help you. You have to deal with the pain before it overcomes you."
"Please no. Don't ask me to face it." I had managed to suppress them with great effort for such a long time; I didn't want to loose my defense now. It was immensely painful and I didn't dare to face it.
She started to sing a sad song. So sad, it touched the core of my being, emerging the sad emotion that I could suppress no more.
She reached out her arms, trying to hug me. Tears welled up in my eyes, it was useless to fight it, but I kept trying. I shut my eyes and pushed her away with my feeble hands. "Please, naneth, please." I begged. My voice faded, tears streaming down my face. I stopped pushing her as I sank my face to my hands and sobbed, my body shook harder.
Mother didn't say a word. Neither power nor wisdom could heal my wounded soul, and she knew it perfectly well. She embraced my shaking body with all gentleness and affection she could give. "I know it is hard for you, Estella." She tried to soothe me, but I became furious. I burst in my anguish, "No, you don't know." She was not surprised at my outrage, though I never spoke to her in such manner. She hugged me again and I sobbed even harder, the dam of tears I held for months exploded and tears flowed freely.
"Mourn, iellen. Cry. Let it go. Tears will wash away the bitterness." She comforted me as I cried in her shoulder. "Say what is in your heart. Do not keep it."
"I …I…. I am afraid of my future. So afraid. I cannot face it. I want to die." I murmured with my weak voice. She held me tighter. Warm tears fell from her eyes touching my skin.
"Forgive me, naneth. Please forgive me." I sank my face deeper to her shoulder. My body still shaking.
"You have committed no crime, dear."
"I am such a coward." I was too weak to cry again, but the tears were still flowing.
"Who would call you coward but yourself? Nay, you are a courageous Elf, and always be." Her comforting words couldn't convince me, but I didn't argue.
After long hours of weeping and sobbing we broke apart. I still felt depressed, but somehow it felt better than numbness. She softly wiped away my tears from my face, then raised and went to the table to bring me a plate of fruits and a goblet of liquid. "You must eat something, Estella."
I nodded. She sat beside me and watched as I ate. "It has been long since I could feel the joy of having you around me." I couldn't help by smile at her; she often used complicated words when speaking. "I miss you too, nana*."
"I haven't heard that word for so long, iellen." She looked very pleased as a broad smile spreading on her graceful face. It was an intimate word which I stopped using after I learned that I wasn't her blood daughter. I knew not that she actually took delight in hearing me call her nana.
I ate few berries and a couple gulps of the liquid, fortunately without vomiting. I couldn't eat more and she didn't push me to. She kissed me on my forehead and walked to the door. I thought she was leaving, but as if she heard my silent plea, she turned around. "I will stay with you tonight, Estella. Long journey doesn't tire me, but weary of your well being does."
*Ammë = mother in Quenya
*naneth = mother in Sindarin
*iellen = my daughter in Sindarin. Iell or sell = daughter, -en = my.
*nana = mom in Sindarin.
Anyone still care to review? This story will end in few more chapters.