Longing for your touch
Disclaimer: I don't own RK. You should know that.
Chapter 5
Your eyes they were my paradise
Your smile made my sun rise
Forgive me for I don't know what I gain
Alone in this garden of pain
Enchantment has but one truth:
I weep to have what I fear to lose
Gethsemane
Nightwish
Misao looked at Aoshis face, her eyes caressing every inch of it. Aoshi looked exactly like he had before, no change was visible on his face. His face didn't show any emotion, not that she had expected it to. His dark hair falled beautifully over his eyes and he looked at her behind his hair with eyes that seemed to see right through Misao.
Misao hastily turned her face away, refusing to look at him again. His hands let go of her and she couldn't say if she was happy or sad about it, or both. Happy because she wanted to get away from him before he would weaken her, sad because she wanted to be weak as long as she could be with him.
She stepped back, but didn't try to run away again. She felt cold despite the fact that the day was the warmest one in a long time. But then again, this coldness was inside of her.
A silence hung in the air for Misao had nothing to say to Aoshi and couldn't understand what he was doing here. Until... *Of course. I should have known. Okon-san, Omasu-san and Jiya sent him. He came because they asked. Nothing more.* The thought made her feel sad and it surprised her.
Then she understood. She still wanted him to came here, to take her back. He had been here only few minutes and Misao already felt herself weaken enough to do exactly as he wanted her to. If he would say that she should return, even if he himself didn't want her to, even if the words would not be his but Jiyas, she would do so. She would condemn herself to live in the heart breaking pain of loneliness and longing again. *NO! I refuse this! I refuse to allow him to have this kind of power over me!*
Gathering all of her strength she turned to Aoshi, opened her mouth to speak, but didn't have a change to say one word before he spoke. "We need to talk and this is not the right place."
His rarely heard voice surprised Misao and her eyes found his once again. He looked just calm, making Misaos forehead wringle, something was missing but she didn't understand what.
Aoshi looked at her evenly. "I heard you have own apartment." His voice startled her and she almost shook her head in disbelief. Already now he had said almost more to her than when she still was in Kyoto.
"Yes, I have." she answered with a voice she hoped to be calm and certain. For some time they just stood still, looking at each other and somehow Misao got a feeling that Aoshi was amused, but why would he be?
"Can we go there to talk?" Aoshi looked as calm as ever, despite the fact that there was an aura of amusement around him. Misao instead blushed furiously at his words. *Baka! Why didn't I understand?!* Trying to cover her embarassement, uneasiness and fear she first nodded, then turned her back to him and started to walk towards her home fast. Sooner this was over, the better.
During the walk to her apartment neither on of them spoke a word, Misao had nothing to say and Aoshi...was just Aoshi.
They reached her new home in a short amount of time and there she opened the shoji for him to enter and almost closed her eyes in pleasure as his scent lingered in the air a moment after he had walked past her. Then she followed him inside, confused at the way only his masculine scent could still make her thought prossess stop and closed the shoji behind her with a silent bang. She looked at her almost empty apartment and felt proudness welling up inside of her.
She had a home and a job, she didn't really need him. She could live the rest of her life without him. Or so she thought until her eyes found him and took in every glorious detail of him and the familiar ache in her heart crew, she knew then that she was lying to herself. She needed him like a flower needed water and sun.
Aoshi stood in the middle of the small room and looked around the place, the unfolded futon on the floor, clean table and a closed closet. He placed his kodachis in their saya on the table and turned to face her. She stared at his handsome face and saw the same thing as before. Something was missing, but she couldn't figure out what.
**************
Aoshi looked at Misao who stood at the door biting her lip. She looked lovely, but still somehow tired and sad. He wanted to wipe that look of her face and return a smile not only to her lips but also to her eyes. *I hope this helps.*
Aoshi hadn't been this afraid ever in his life. Everything depended on his capability to tell her how he felt and he was so bad with words. He wanted her to know how much he needed her, wanted her and loved her. But how, he did not know.
During the past years he had acted almost coldly towards her because he was afraid, afraid of the power she had over him and of losing her. He had always lost everything he had cared for and now...if he dared to show how he felt, would he lose her too? He wouldn't be able to bear it. She was all he had left. She was everything.
And now he needed to know. Did she still love him? After everything, would she be able to accept him? His love?
He stepped closer to her and raised his hand towards her face wanting to feel her warmth, doing as his instinct told him to, but she moved away before he could touch her, looking almost terrified. He allowed his hand to drop beside him as the pain swallowed him. She didn't want him, at least not anymore. He had his answer.
He swallowed and opened his suddenly dry mouth. "I see. I'll leave then." And walked away from her, grapped his saya, moved to the shoji, opened it and stepped outside leaving Misao alone inside to wonder his actions.
***************
He had left, leaving her alone. She should be happy, but she wasn't. Something in his actions didn't ring true. Why had he came here? To say few words to her and then leave? No, that wasn't, no, it couldn't be true. Aoshi didn't usually do things like that, nothing this meaningless, but then again she didn't really know him that well.
Misao looked out of the open shoji and saw his broad back as he walked away from her. Then Misao gasped as she understood what had been missing and from where. His eyes which were usually colder than a winter had been warmer and more open than in a long time. He had allowed her to see trough some of his barriers and she had refused him by moving away from him.
Replaying the scene where she had moved away from his touch, afraid of his power over her, afraid of what would happen if she allowed him to weaken her again, she remembered the look on his face and now she understood what it was. Hurt.
It had been there only for a moment before the coldness had fully returned, swallowing all warmth and then he had already left. But the hurt had been there, she was sure of it. Unconsciously she stepped forward towards his walking form. *Could it be that he... Could it...*
She felt helpless not knowing what to do. She wanted to run after him and ask him, but what would she ask. Do you love me...? Am I a child or a woman...? He was already far away from her and she knew that if she would allow him to walk away this once, he would never return.
And suddenly nothing else mattered. The pain from his past actions was forgotten, the loneliness, the despair, everything was meaningless.
Before she even understood what she was doing, she was running after him.
*****************
Aoshi walked numbly forward, other world having disappeared. She didn't want him. He had pushed her away from himself without realizing it.
He heard running steps behind him, but didn't care, nothing mattered anymore. She was gone forever. She would probably get married and have a lots of children. Thoughts like that sunk his heart even lower in his chest.
Suddenly he felt a tug at his shirt as someone took a hold of it from behind and he automaticly turned ready to defend himself from the attacker by hitting the person. Just before his hand hit the target his head turned enough for him to see the target. Misao. His eyes widened in horror.
She had closed her eyes anticapating his fist to hit her, knowing it to be useless to try to block it, but he just barely managed to change the direction of his hand before it hit her. Her hair flowed in the air as the wind his hit rose touched it. His heart beated in his chest fast and blood pounded loudly in his ears as she stared at her face. *I almost... hit her, hurted her.*
"Misao..." her name escaped his lips before he could stop himself. She let go of his shirt as he turned around fully to face her. Why would she have followed him?
"Misao, what...?" And to his surprise Misao buried her face into his chest and wrapped her hands around his waist tightly. "Don't go. Please." became a muffled whisper from his chest.
He stood stunned for a while, before his brains got a hold of the situation and he wrapped his arms around Misao and sighed in relief. Maybe, just maybe she still... He pulled her as close to him as possible and breathed in her sweet scent.
Misao spoke against him with a quiet voice, but loudly enough for him to hear her. "Aoshi-sama, why did you come here?" Her hands held him a bit tighter as if she wouldn't want to hear the answer, like she would be afraid of it.
Aoshi opened his mouth but no sound came. He tried to speak, to tell her, but it was harder than he ever could have imagined. He couldn't get the words out of his mouth. And so, they stood in silence holding each other until Misao suddenly let go of him and stepped back, pushing him away. She stared at the ground and whispered almost only to herself.
"I see. They asked you to, right. Okon-san, Omasu-san, Jiya and others. But-" she raised her head and smiled at him, trying to make her smile look as real and happy as possible and failing in it. "-I can take care of myself. You don't have to worry about me. I like living here and I am not going to return. So, ummm... bye, Aoshi-sama."
Aoshi could not believe his ears. What made her think like that? He didn't understand, but he knew that he had to do something to convince her that he had came only because he had wanted to, needed to. Misao was already turning around to walk back to her apartment, to walk away from him. And then he found words. "Oh no, you don't."
He grapped her arms, turned her to him noting the look of surprise on her face and moved to tell her how he felt, if not with words, then with actions.
*************
Misao was surprised that he was stopping her. Why would he do that? She wanted to go to her apartment to cry her eyes out, but instead she found herself being pulled towards Aoshi. Before she even understood what was happening, her thoughts were cut off by a pair of warm lips on hers.
It took her a moment to process the fact that Aoshi was kissing her, but after she was done with that, she allowed herself to feel him, even if only this once. She opened her mouth inviting him in and he accepted the invition.
Misao could not understand how anything could feel this wonderful. Aoshi seemed to drank her in, his mouth hungry and hot as the afternoon. She felt him pull her even closer to himself, his another thigh pressing hard against her. She had never felt herself as alive as she felt now. She didn't want this to end, ever. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her hands in his soft hair pulling him closer, as close as possible.
The kiss seemed to last forever before Aoshi pulled back lightly to breath, his mouth still almost touching hers, his hot breath against her moist lips sending a shiwer through Misao.
She opened her eyes slowly to look into his and what she saw was his true self. He allowed all of his barriers to grumble down, allowed her to see everything. His need, want, possessiveness and love. Pain, guilt and desperation.
Misao gasped as she now understood how hard it must be for him to say his feelings aloud, because there were no words to describe them. But now she saw them all and the pain dissappeared from her heart. She knew now, finally she knew.
He loved her like a woman and as herself. She would never have to pretend to be anything else than what she really was. Her mouth curved into a smile and she pulled Aoshi into a thight embrace. "Arigatou."
His hands wrapped around her possesively. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to. She knew.
*******************************************
Aoshi felt complete in a way he had never felt before. He had always been broken in some way, ever since his birth. He had had trouble telling and showing people how he felt, even as a child he had always been alone. His mother had tried to get him to play with other children, but he had never felt comfortable doing so and others had noted that and stayed away.
He had always learned things fast and easy, his capapility to remember amazed people. His intelligency and inability to express his feelings had isolated him from his very birth. And the few feelings he had been able to show were gone as his mother and father had been killed before his eyes when he was 6 years old.
Four years later, when he had been 10 years old and okashiras daughter had given birth to a little girl named Misao, he had felt something change. When he held that beautiful baby in his arms he had felt free. She wouldn't judge him, she would accept him. The walls that had been in his heart since his birth grumbled for the first time and he had been able to truly smile. But only to her when no one else was near.
Misaos innocence had became his in a way, he lived his youth again trough her. Playing with her, listening her, comforting her had changed him, given him a change to open up. But when he had been chosen to became okashira after Misaos grandfather had died, he had lost his change to learn from the child how to smile and let people know how he felt. He had put up a wall around him that kept everyone away, except Misao.
Years and years later when all of his emotions had been closed of after witnessing his friend death, even Misao was closed outside. Her innocense shouldn't be tainted. And he wouldn't be able to bear losing her. If she would have seen what was inside of him, she would have left him. After he had already lost Hannya and others, he couldn't lose her.
But now he was complited. She was in his arms and in his heart. For the first time ever he had opened his heart fully allowing her to see everything, allowing her to became a part of him, the one part that made the difference between broken and whole. He had redeemed the promise she had given years ago. She accepted him as who he was.
"Aoshiii..." her sleepy whisper of his name and his attention was on her. Aoshi noticed that she hadn't said -sama after his name and last barrier of formality was broken.
She was so beautiful. Wrapped in his arms, her hair freed and flowing around him, she was waking up. The hot and busy day accompanied with the encounter with him had exhausted her and after they had returned to her apartment, she had soon fell asleep in Aoshis arms. Now, after hours of peaceful sleep, she was waking up.
Misao looked at him with sleepy eyes and smiling contented smile snuggled closer to him, pressing her head against his chest. Aoshi looked down at her head with warm eyes and buried his other hand in the mass of her black hair, enjoying the feel of it slipping through his fingers as he moved his hand.
*************
Misao was fully awake now and felt him play with her hair. She smiled and moved up so that she could wrap her arms around his neck instead of his waist. Aoshi looked at her with unbelievable tenderness and fondness in his eyes. Othervise his face was as impassive as ever, but his eyes told Misao enough. His hands took a firm hold of her hips, as if he would never let go. She buried her hands in his hair as she was kneeling in his embrace, love and happiness shining in her eyes.
She didn't know how long she had wanted to touch his hair, his face, his mouth, all of him. She still hadn't seen him smile but with time she was sure she could make him reveal it to her once more.
Misao traced his face with her fingers admiring his perfectness. She had wanted him to be hers for so long, but now that she finally knew that he was hers, she could barely believe it. He was everything a woman could wish for and he was hers, had always been.
She gazed lovingly into his eyes and kissed him lightly on lips, before snuggling back into the warmth of his embrace. They held each other in silence, just enjoying the closeness.
Even now, safe in his arms, Misao couldn't stop herself from thinking about the future. What would they do now? Stay here or travel back to Kyoto? No matter what happened Misao knew that she didn't want to separate herself from Aoshi even for a moment. They had been apart already too long. Her finger moved along his skin in circles as she thought.
She knew that Okina and others wanted her to return, but she wasn't sure if she wanted just yet. She had taken a liking of living in here, but what would Aoshi say if she wanted to stay. Would he return without her or stay here with her? If he would stay as he probably would, where would he live? It wouldn't be proper for him to live with her in here... not that she had anything against it, but he may have. So where? At the dojo? What would Kaoru say to that? What Aoshi would say? What-?
"What are you thinking?" Aoshi had noticed a troubled look on her face and knew that something was bothering her. She smiled at him snuggling closer before answering to his question. "What are we going to do now?" She kept her face hidden in his shirt, waiting for him to answer.
Aoshi pulled her a bit closer and run his other hand up and down her back in soothing movement. He thought only for a short moment, before answering. "Either we return to Kyoto or we stay here. Which, is up to you."
Misao blinked. She had thought he would just that they would return or stay, not him to put her into the position to decide.
"Up to me? Why is that? Why should I decide?" Misao hid her happiness at his answer behind a curtain of annoyance, but Aoshi wasn't fooled that easily. He could easily see that she was pleased by his answer and instead of answering her question, asked his own. "Are you happy, Misao?"
Misao blinked at the sudden question. Then a smile more beautiful that any he had ever seen on her face appeared for the first time on her lips before she answered him by first rising up in his arms, kissing his lips softly and then speaking. "More so than ever before in my life."
"Yokatta." was all Aoshi had to say, but the smile in his eyes told Misao how happy he was and also made her heart skip a beat. She had never seen his eyes this openly showing his happiness and she could feel tears of joy appearing into her eyes and then slowly falling down her cheeks. Misao noticed through her tears that Aoshi was looking at her cheeks and then his hand rose and he brushed the tears gently away.
"Misao..." the sadness in his voice startled her and when she looked at him more closely, she could see a sorrowful look on his face and gentle brushed his cheek with her fingertips to get him to look in her eyes. He turned slowly, almost relutanctly to face her. There was a deep sorrow hidden in his eyes.
"Aoshi, what is the matter?"
Instead of answering he pulled her closer to him, until she was as close to him as possible. It seemed as if he would try make sure that she was safe, sure that she was real. Misao wrapped her arms around him hesitantly. She didn't understand what had happened. Why was Aoshi suddenly so sad?
She tried to figure out what to say or do to make him feel better and to understand what was wrong, but couldn't think of anything. So she just sat still in his warm arms, allowing the feel of them, the feel of him around her to calm her.
But she couldn't stay still and quiet for long. She had to find out what was wrong. She was just about to ask when he spoke, answering the question she was about to make.
"I don't like to see you crying."
Misao eyes widened in his embrace. She should have realized. How, she didn't know, but she should have. But she hadn't cried because she was sad, but because she was so happy. Didn't he see the difference? She tried to move, but he wrapped his arms so tightly around her that she couldn't. So she tried speaking instead.
"Aoshi, I was crying because I am so glad. I have loved you my whole life and now I am here in your arms. You have fullfilled almost all of my wishes, given me what I have most desired in my life." All Aoshi had to say to answer was something Misao did not expect.
"Almost? There are still wishes I could fullfill?" the sound of his voice sent shiwers running down her back. It was an innocent question, but somehow he made it seem like something else, gave it a meaning she had not been thinking about, at the moment.
She tried to move again and this time his arms gave her a room to do so. She stared into his blue eyes which were staring back intently and her mouth dropped open at the faked child-like innocence that he used to hide his true feeling failing, probably purpously, miserably. Behind that fake innocence were feelings that made her heart thump more loudly, her face colour and her mouth go dry. She had already forgotten all about his sorrowful expression from a moment ago.
He didn't move an inch, just kept her close waiting for her to decide, what would happen next. They stayed still for a long time, before Misao sunk back into his embrace.
She knew that he wanted her, but she herself wasn't that ready yet. And she knew that he would wait as long as it was necessary, not that she had any intentions to make that time long. She wanted him, she had noticed that already a long time ago, but there were things that she wanted clear, things she wanted to happen, before they would sleep together, in that way.
Her cheeks flushed at the thought of them sharing a bed and she tried to force that kind of thoughts out of her mind. She buried her burning face into his shirt to hide it from his all-seeing eyes.
Slowly she relaxed in his arms again, his hand moved hypnotisingly slowly along her long black tresses. They hadn't decided what to do next yet, but the time for that would come. Right then, at that very moment both of them just wanted to relax and enjoy each other.
OWARI!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and I am so happy! ^___________^
Disclaimer: I don't own RK. You should know that.
Chapter 5
Your eyes they were my paradise
Your smile made my sun rise
Forgive me for I don't know what I gain
Alone in this garden of pain
Enchantment has but one truth:
I weep to have what I fear to lose
Gethsemane
Nightwish
Misao looked at Aoshis face, her eyes caressing every inch of it. Aoshi looked exactly like he had before, no change was visible on his face. His face didn't show any emotion, not that she had expected it to. His dark hair falled beautifully over his eyes and he looked at her behind his hair with eyes that seemed to see right through Misao.
Misao hastily turned her face away, refusing to look at him again. His hands let go of her and she couldn't say if she was happy or sad about it, or both. Happy because she wanted to get away from him before he would weaken her, sad because she wanted to be weak as long as she could be with him.
She stepped back, but didn't try to run away again. She felt cold despite the fact that the day was the warmest one in a long time. But then again, this coldness was inside of her.
A silence hung in the air for Misao had nothing to say to Aoshi and couldn't understand what he was doing here. Until... *Of course. I should have known. Okon-san, Omasu-san and Jiya sent him. He came because they asked. Nothing more.* The thought made her feel sad and it surprised her.
Then she understood. She still wanted him to came here, to take her back. He had been here only few minutes and Misao already felt herself weaken enough to do exactly as he wanted her to. If he would say that she should return, even if he himself didn't want her to, even if the words would not be his but Jiyas, she would do so. She would condemn herself to live in the heart breaking pain of loneliness and longing again. *NO! I refuse this! I refuse to allow him to have this kind of power over me!*
Gathering all of her strength she turned to Aoshi, opened her mouth to speak, but didn't have a change to say one word before he spoke. "We need to talk and this is not the right place."
His rarely heard voice surprised Misao and her eyes found his once again. He looked just calm, making Misaos forehead wringle, something was missing but she didn't understand what.
Aoshi looked at her evenly. "I heard you have own apartment." His voice startled her and she almost shook her head in disbelief. Already now he had said almost more to her than when she still was in Kyoto.
"Yes, I have." she answered with a voice she hoped to be calm and certain. For some time they just stood still, looking at each other and somehow Misao got a feeling that Aoshi was amused, but why would he be?
"Can we go there to talk?" Aoshi looked as calm as ever, despite the fact that there was an aura of amusement around him. Misao instead blushed furiously at his words. *Baka! Why didn't I understand?!* Trying to cover her embarassement, uneasiness and fear she first nodded, then turned her back to him and started to walk towards her home fast. Sooner this was over, the better.
During the walk to her apartment neither on of them spoke a word, Misao had nothing to say and Aoshi...was just Aoshi.
They reached her new home in a short amount of time and there she opened the shoji for him to enter and almost closed her eyes in pleasure as his scent lingered in the air a moment after he had walked past her. Then she followed him inside, confused at the way only his masculine scent could still make her thought prossess stop and closed the shoji behind her with a silent bang. She looked at her almost empty apartment and felt proudness welling up inside of her.
She had a home and a job, she didn't really need him. She could live the rest of her life without him. Or so she thought until her eyes found him and took in every glorious detail of him and the familiar ache in her heart crew, she knew then that she was lying to herself. She needed him like a flower needed water and sun.
Aoshi stood in the middle of the small room and looked around the place, the unfolded futon on the floor, clean table and a closed closet. He placed his kodachis in their saya on the table and turned to face her. She stared at his handsome face and saw the same thing as before. Something was missing, but she couldn't figure out what.
**************
Aoshi looked at Misao who stood at the door biting her lip. She looked lovely, but still somehow tired and sad. He wanted to wipe that look of her face and return a smile not only to her lips but also to her eyes. *I hope this helps.*
Aoshi hadn't been this afraid ever in his life. Everything depended on his capability to tell her how he felt and he was so bad with words. He wanted her to know how much he needed her, wanted her and loved her. But how, he did not know.
During the past years he had acted almost coldly towards her because he was afraid, afraid of the power she had over him and of losing her. He had always lost everything he had cared for and now...if he dared to show how he felt, would he lose her too? He wouldn't be able to bear it. She was all he had left. She was everything.
And now he needed to know. Did she still love him? After everything, would she be able to accept him? His love?
He stepped closer to her and raised his hand towards her face wanting to feel her warmth, doing as his instinct told him to, but she moved away before he could touch her, looking almost terrified. He allowed his hand to drop beside him as the pain swallowed him. She didn't want him, at least not anymore. He had his answer.
He swallowed and opened his suddenly dry mouth. "I see. I'll leave then." And walked away from her, grapped his saya, moved to the shoji, opened it and stepped outside leaving Misao alone inside to wonder his actions.
***************
He had left, leaving her alone. She should be happy, but she wasn't. Something in his actions didn't ring true. Why had he came here? To say few words to her and then leave? No, that wasn't, no, it couldn't be true. Aoshi didn't usually do things like that, nothing this meaningless, but then again she didn't really know him that well.
Misao looked out of the open shoji and saw his broad back as he walked away from her. Then Misao gasped as she understood what had been missing and from where. His eyes which were usually colder than a winter had been warmer and more open than in a long time. He had allowed her to see trough some of his barriers and she had refused him by moving away from him.
Replaying the scene where she had moved away from his touch, afraid of his power over her, afraid of what would happen if she allowed him to weaken her again, she remembered the look on his face and now she understood what it was. Hurt.
It had been there only for a moment before the coldness had fully returned, swallowing all warmth and then he had already left. But the hurt had been there, she was sure of it. Unconsciously she stepped forward towards his walking form. *Could it be that he... Could it...*
She felt helpless not knowing what to do. She wanted to run after him and ask him, but what would she ask. Do you love me...? Am I a child or a woman...? He was already far away from her and she knew that if she would allow him to walk away this once, he would never return.
And suddenly nothing else mattered. The pain from his past actions was forgotten, the loneliness, the despair, everything was meaningless.
Before she even understood what she was doing, she was running after him.
*****************
Aoshi walked numbly forward, other world having disappeared. She didn't want him. He had pushed her away from himself without realizing it.
He heard running steps behind him, but didn't care, nothing mattered anymore. She was gone forever. She would probably get married and have a lots of children. Thoughts like that sunk his heart even lower in his chest.
Suddenly he felt a tug at his shirt as someone took a hold of it from behind and he automaticly turned ready to defend himself from the attacker by hitting the person. Just before his hand hit the target his head turned enough for him to see the target. Misao. His eyes widened in horror.
She had closed her eyes anticapating his fist to hit her, knowing it to be useless to try to block it, but he just barely managed to change the direction of his hand before it hit her. Her hair flowed in the air as the wind his hit rose touched it. His heart beated in his chest fast and blood pounded loudly in his ears as she stared at her face. *I almost... hit her, hurted her.*
"Misao..." her name escaped his lips before he could stop himself. She let go of his shirt as he turned around fully to face her. Why would she have followed him?
"Misao, what...?" And to his surprise Misao buried her face into his chest and wrapped her hands around his waist tightly. "Don't go. Please." became a muffled whisper from his chest.
He stood stunned for a while, before his brains got a hold of the situation and he wrapped his arms around Misao and sighed in relief. Maybe, just maybe she still... He pulled her as close to him as possible and breathed in her sweet scent.
Misao spoke against him with a quiet voice, but loudly enough for him to hear her. "Aoshi-sama, why did you come here?" Her hands held him a bit tighter as if she wouldn't want to hear the answer, like she would be afraid of it.
Aoshi opened his mouth but no sound came. He tried to speak, to tell her, but it was harder than he ever could have imagined. He couldn't get the words out of his mouth. And so, they stood in silence holding each other until Misao suddenly let go of him and stepped back, pushing him away. She stared at the ground and whispered almost only to herself.
"I see. They asked you to, right. Okon-san, Omasu-san, Jiya and others. But-" she raised her head and smiled at him, trying to make her smile look as real and happy as possible and failing in it. "-I can take care of myself. You don't have to worry about me. I like living here and I am not going to return. So, ummm... bye, Aoshi-sama."
Aoshi could not believe his ears. What made her think like that? He didn't understand, but he knew that he had to do something to convince her that he had came only because he had wanted to, needed to. Misao was already turning around to walk back to her apartment, to walk away from him. And then he found words. "Oh no, you don't."
He grapped her arms, turned her to him noting the look of surprise on her face and moved to tell her how he felt, if not with words, then with actions.
*************
Misao was surprised that he was stopping her. Why would he do that? She wanted to go to her apartment to cry her eyes out, but instead she found herself being pulled towards Aoshi. Before she even understood what was happening, her thoughts were cut off by a pair of warm lips on hers.
It took her a moment to process the fact that Aoshi was kissing her, but after she was done with that, she allowed herself to feel him, even if only this once. She opened her mouth inviting him in and he accepted the invition.
Misao could not understand how anything could feel this wonderful. Aoshi seemed to drank her in, his mouth hungry and hot as the afternoon. She felt him pull her even closer to himself, his another thigh pressing hard against her. She had never felt herself as alive as she felt now. She didn't want this to end, ever. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her hands in his soft hair pulling him closer, as close as possible.
The kiss seemed to last forever before Aoshi pulled back lightly to breath, his mouth still almost touching hers, his hot breath against her moist lips sending a shiwer through Misao.
She opened her eyes slowly to look into his and what she saw was his true self. He allowed all of his barriers to grumble down, allowed her to see everything. His need, want, possessiveness and love. Pain, guilt and desperation.
Misao gasped as she now understood how hard it must be for him to say his feelings aloud, because there were no words to describe them. But now she saw them all and the pain dissappeared from her heart. She knew now, finally she knew.
He loved her like a woman and as herself. She would never have to pretend to be anything else than what she really was. Her mouth curved into a smile and she pulled Aoshi into a thight embrace. "Arigatou."
His hands wrapped around her possesively. He didn't say anything, he didn't need to. She knew.
*******************************************
Aoshi felt complete in a way he had never felt before. He had always been broken in some way, ever since his birth. He had had trouble telling and showing people how he felt, even as a child he had always been alone. His mother had tried to get him to play with other children, but he had never felt comfortable doing so and others had noted that and stayed away.
He had always learned things fast and easy, his capapility to remember amazed people. His intelligency and inability to express his feelings had isolated him from his very birth. And the few feelings he had been able to show were gone as his mother and father had been killed before his eyes when he was 6 years old.
Four years later, when he had been 10 years old and okashiras daughter had given birth to a little girl named Misao, he had felt something change. When he held that beautiful baby in his arms he had felt free. She wouldn't judge him, she would accept him. The walls that had been in his heart since his birth grumbled for the first time and he had been able to truly smile. But only to her when no one else was near.
Misaos innocence had became his in a way, he lived his youth again trough her. Playing with her, listening her, comforting her had changed him, given him a change to open up. But when he had been chosen to became okashira after Misaos grandfather had died, he had lost his change to learn from the child how to smile and let people know how he felt. He had put up a wall around him that kept everyone away, except Misao.
Years and years later when all of his emotions had been closed of after witnessing his friend death, even Misao was closed outside. Her innocense shouldn't be tainted. And he wouldn't be able to bear losing her. If she would have seen what was inside of him, she would have left him. After he had already lost Hannya and others, he couldn't lose her.
But now he was complited. She was in his arms and in his heart. For the first time ever he had opened his heart fully allowing her to see everything, allowing her to became a part of him, the one part that made the difference between broken and whole. He had redeemed the promise she had given years ago. She accepted him as who he was.
"Aoshiii..." her sleepy whisper of his name and his attention was on her. Aoshi noticed that she hadn't said -sama after his name and last barrier of formality was broken.
She was so beautiful. Wrapped in his arms, her hair freed and flowing around him, she was waking up. The hot and busy day accompanied with the encounter with him had exhausted her and after they had returned to her apartment, she had soon fell asleep in Aoshis arms. Now, after hours of peaceful sleep, she was waking up.
Misao looked at him with sleepy eyes and smiling contented smile snuggled closer to him, pressing her head against his chest. Aoshi looked down at her head with warm eyes and buried his other hand in the mass of her black hair, enjoying the feel of it slipping through his fingers as he moved his hand.
*************
Misao was fully awake now and felt him play with her hair. She smiled and moved up so that she could wrap her arms around his neck instead of his waist. Aoshi looked at her with unbelievable tenderness and fondness in his eyes. Othervise his face was as impassive as ever, but his eyes told Misao enough. His hands took a firm hold of her hips, as if he would never let go. She buried her hands in his hair as she was kneeling in his embrace, love and happiness shining in her eyes.
She didn't know how long she had wanted to touch his hair, his face, his mouth, all of him. She still hadn't seen him smile but with time she was sure she could make him reveal it to her once more.
Misao traced his face with her fingers admiring his perfectness. She had wanted him to be hers for so long, but now that she finally knew that he was hers, she could barely believe it. He was everything a woman could wish for and he was hers, had always been.
She gazed lovingly into his eyes and kissed him lightly on lips, before snuggling back into the warmth of his embrace. They held each other in silence, just enjoying the closeness.
Even now, safe in his arms, Misao couldn't stop herself from thinking about the future. What would they do now? Stay here or travel back to Kyoto? No matter what happened Misao knew that she didn't want to separate herself from Aoshi even for a moment. They had been apart already too long. Her finger moved along his skin in circles as she thought.
She knew that Okina and others wanted her to return, but she wasn't sure if she wanted just yet. She had taken a liking of living in here, but what would Aoshi say if she wanted to stay. Would he return without her or stay here with her? If he would stay as he probably would, where would he live? It wouldn't be proper for him to live with her in here... not that she had anything against it, but he may have. So where? At the dojo? What would Kaoru say to that? What Aoshi would say? What-?
"What are you thinking?" Aoshi had noticed a troubled look on her face and knew that something was bothering her. She smiled at him snuggling closer before answering to his question. "What are we going to do now?" She kept her face hidden in his shirt, waiting for him to answer.
Aoshi pulled her a bit closer and run his other hand up and down her back in soothing movement. He thought only for a short moment, before answering. "Either we return to Kyoto or we stay here. Which, is up to you."
Misao blinked. She had thought he would just that they would return or stay, not him to put her into the position to decide.
"Up to me? Why is that? Why should I decide?" Misao hid her happiness at his answer behind a curtain of annoyance, but Aoshi wasn't fooled that easily. He could easily see that she was pleased by his answer and instead of answering her question, asked his own. "Are you happy, Misao?"
Misao blinked at the sudden question. Then a smile more beautiful that any he had ever seen on her face appeared for the first time on her lips before she answered him by first rising up in his arms, kissing his lips softly and then speaking. "More so than ever before in my life."
"Yokatta." was all Aoshi had to say, but the smile in his eyes told Misao how happy he was and also made her heart skip a beat. She had never seen his eyes this openly showing his happiness and she could feel tears of joy appearing into her eyes and then slowly falling down her cheeks. Misao noticed through her tears that Aoshi was looking at her cheeks and then his hand rose and he brushed the tears gently away.
"Misao..." the sadness in his voice startled her and when she looked at him more closely, she could see a sorrowful look on his face and gentle brushed his cheek with her fingertips to get him to look in her eyes. He turned slowly, almost relutanctly to face her. There was a deep sorrow hidden in his eyes.
"Aoshi, what is the matter?"
Instead of answering he pulled her closer to him, until she was as close to him as possible. It seemed as if he would try make sure that she was safe, sure that she was real. Misao wrapped her arms around him hesitantly. She didn't understand what had happened. Why was Aoshi suddenly so sad?
She tried to figure out what to say or do to make him feel better and to understand what was wrong, but couldn't think of anything. So she just sat still in his warm arms, allowing the feel of them, the feel of him around her to calm her.
But she couldn't stay still and quiet for long. She had to find out what was wrong. She was just about to ask when he spoke, answering the question she was about to make.
"I don't like to see you crying."
Misao eyes widened in his embrace. She should have realized. How, she didn't know, but she should have. But she hadn't cried because she was sad, but because she was so happy. Didn't he see the difference? She tried to move, but he wrapped his arms so tightly around her that she couldn't. So she tried speaking instead.
"Aoshi, I was crying because I am so glad. I have loved you my whole life and now I am here in your arms. You have fullfilled almost all of my wishes, given me what I have most desired in my life." All Aoshi had to say to answer was something Misao did not expect.
"Almost? There are still wishes I could fullfill?" the sound of his voice sent shiwers running down her back. It was an innocent question, but somehow he made it seem like something else, gave it a meaning she had not been thinking about, at the moment.
She tried to move again and this time his arms gave her a room to do so. She stared into his blue eyes which were staring back intently and her mouth dropped open at the faked child-like innocence that he used to hide his true feeling failing, probably purpously, miserably. Behind that fake innocence were feelings that made her heart thump more loudly, her face colour and her mouth go dry. She had already forgotten all about his sorrowful expression from a moment ago.
He didn't move an inch, just kept her close waiting for her to decide, what would happen next. They stayed still for a long time, before Misao sunk back into his embrace.
She knew that he wanted her, but she herself wasn't that ready yet. And she knew that he would wait as long as it was necessary, not that she had any intentions to make that time long. She wanted him, she had noticed that already a long time ago, but there were things that she wanted clear, things she wanted to happen, before they would sleep together, in that way.
Her cheeks flushed at the thought of them sharing a bed and she tried to force that kind of thoughts out of her mind. She buried her burning face into his shirt to hide it from his all-seeing eyes.
Slowly she relaxed in his arms again, his hand moved hypnotisingly slowly along her long black tresses. They hadn't decided what to do next yet, but the time for that would come. Right then, at that very moment both of them just wanted to relax and enjoy each other.
OWARI!!!!!!!!!!!!!
and I am so happy! ^___________^