He couldn't continue, and he broke down. The counselor rubbed his back, her
concerned eyes about to tear up as well. "I'm sorry… I've never acted this
way before," his voice was muffled and almost incoherent.
"That's what we're here for Jaime, to heal… and you just took a big step." She clasped her warm hands over his. "Would you like to take a walk with me?" She asked. Then, without an answer she arose and towered over his peers. "June?" She asked, turning to her.
"Yes?" Her lips shook, for she too was about to cry.
"Can you mediate? We only have about 10 minutes left." June nodded her head understandably. "C'mon Jaime…" she whispered and the two exited the circle and walked off out of the room.
"Where are we going?" He muttered as he trudged beside her, his head lowered.
"Well, I just wondered if I could ask you a few questions?" She sighed. The two came to a halt and she gestured for him to settle next to her on an indoor type bench in the hallway. Jaime didn't agree, but he didn't disagree either. "Are you with your stepfather now, Jaime?"
"No…" he sighed bitterly, "my grandmother took custody of me a year ago… I thought what we said in there was private any way?" Jaime departed from his vulnerable state and became extra defensive, feeling betrayed.
"Yes…" she affirmed, "but when I fear for the well-being of a child I must get involved, or else I'm aiding in the danger towards them."
"You know," he mumbled, "I can take care of myself just fine – I've been doing it my whole life."
"I know you can," she said, "but sometimes its okay to ask for help. And that's what I'm here for, help. Jaime?" She started again, "I will always be here for you – even when you leave. You can count on me."
"Are we done?" He inquired, rising from the cold, leather seat. "Look – I appreciate it and all – but that was a one time thing in there, I'm not gonna become weak like the rest of them. I can handle it." With that, he walked off down the hallway.
It was the middle of the night – Jaime felt humiliated and broken – as though an embarrassing and painful scar had been ripped open. How could he face the others after what had happened? How had it happened, after all? He gripped his flat pillow and tried to bury his rambling thoughts in a deep sleep, moving around to become comfortable and trying not to awake his roommate. Then, he heard the door creak open and he watched light slowly flow into he dark room. An obscure female figure stood in the door way and then edged toward his bed. He sat up to see who it was – June. He suddenly felt nauseous and sick, for he had imagined their next confrontation with great anticipation and fear.
"What are you doing here???" he whispered.
"Shhh…" she demanded, walking backwards to shut the door and then kneeling down onto the bed. Jaime sat up next to her and they only stared at each other for a while.
"How'd you find me?" he muttered.
"I have my ways," she answered, batting her long eyelashes and revealing her big white teeth as she softly giggled. "I just had to see you…" She looked down at his tank shirt and caressed it with her fingers. As she started to dig into his skin with her fingers and force him down and he stiffened and resisted.
"I barely know you…" he said, raising his faint voice.
"But you like me, don't you?" she replied, still pushing herself over him.
"Well, yes…" he agreed, "but this is not you – why are you being so aggressive all of the sudden?" She backed away and her eyes watered up with hurt.
"I thought we had a connection…" she explained. Jaime hesitated.
"We do…" he sighed, and she ran her hand up his neck and onto his jaw, and then they brought their lips together and kissed until Jaime broke it and pulled away. "We can't do this, June…" he insisted, "you know that." She solemnly pulled herself off of him and clasped her hands together, glaring at the dark, blank wall.
She mumbled something incoherently, disappointment and surprise mounted upon her fair face. He didn't know what to say, but even more so – he couldn't understand why she had thrown herself on him – was it something he had done?
"I should go…" she said, rising from the bed. "I just thought there was something special between us… but I guess there isn't." Jaime's roommate began to stir, and for a moment the two watched the neighboring bed for a few seconds in suspense.
"Don't you understand?" Jaime whispered, "It's not that… please stay." He pleaded, and at that she paused in thought and then sat at the foot of his bed, and this time Jaime edged toward her. Both couldn't find any words, but it wasn't awkward – it was comforting. "You don't look at me differently after yesterday, do you?" he asked shyly, expecting a disheartening reply.
"Why would I?" she sincerely asked. "You mean in a bad way? Do I see you in a bad way? No…" Jaime sighed with relief. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"God no…" Jaime retorted quickly. He laughed bitterly, "I'm not sure why I talked about it at all yesterday – it's not like me."
"Its good to talk…" June begged.
"So, they've gotten to you?" Jaime felt a bit let down.
"No… it's just, I mean part of why I started drugs is because I let my demons eat me up inside… I kept on trying to find happiness and forget all the bad stuff… but it never worked, you should know that." She justified. "Why are you so afraid of telling people? You know, they wouldn't judge you… I won't judge you." He words were quiet and subtle. Jaime was at a loss for words again and he felt the pain again, like in group, and it hurt – more than ever, all of the terrible memories, all of the guilt… why did everyone insist on making his wound bleed? Why would that make things better? He felt so open and frightened – like his dark world was closing in on me and he couldn't stand it.
"Please don't do this to me…" he said, "I've tried so hard to get rid of these memories and feelings, I don't want them anymore…" his voice quivered, and he brought his trembling hands up to his mouth. She drew her arm around his shaking body. "It just hurts so much…" he stuttered.
"I know…" she sympathized.
"I'm so scared…" he continued. "God, sometimes I just want to die…" He turned frustrated and angry, as though agonizing screams filled his head. He grabbed his short hair and leaned over, trying to resist breaking down again.
"Why would you want to die?" June asked, "I wouldn't want you to die… please don't every think of that…" her words were shaky and frightened. The quiet roommate was very aware of the conversation but he laid still. "You can get through this… please talk to me…"
"I just feel so lost sometimes… so empty…" he whimpered.
"You need love, Jaime…" she said, "I can give you love." She leaned her warm body closer into him, trying to calm his shuddering body.
"I can't be loved…" he replied sternly. "Don't you see?" Silence. "He used to tell me that I couldn't be happy because I killed them… and I shouldn't… I don't deserve to be loved… I don't deserve to be alive!" June couldn't speak for a long time. But then, she managed to find the strength.
"Jaime…" she cried, "you didn't kill them… its not your fault, you tried to save them… you can't listen to your step-father…" Silence. "What did he do to you?" The question was rhetorical, for she knew he was blinded to his father's evil. "Don't you see? You're the victim… but you can survive… I can help you." His body was aching and tired and he let himself surrender and collapse onto her lap, leaning his head into her warm shirt and surrounding his arms around her body. And she embraced him back.
"It's okay…" she assured. "You're going to be alright…" His cry was quiet and fading as she rocked him. "I'm so sorry…" she muttered underneath her breath, a tear rolling down her flushed cheek.
The night had almost passed. Jaime woke up from a deep slumber to see June lying next to him and an adult female counselor hovering over them. June opened her lazy eyes along with him and the two stared up at the counselor in intense shock.
"You know the rules around here very clearly Mr. Waite and Mrs. Fleming, it looks like this will be your last engagement."
"We didn't do anything!" June protested. "It's not what you think!"
"It doesn't matter what I think," the counselor responded abruptly, "now up and out the door you to. Better enjoy this walk, it will be last time you two are together." Jaime gulped hard, and June grabbed his hand as they followed the counselor.
"That's what we're here for Jaime, to heal… and you just took a big step." She clasped her warm hands over his. "Would you like to take a walk with me?" She asked. Then, without an answer she arose and towered over his peers. "June?" She asked, turning to her.
"Yes?" Her lips shook, for she too was about to cry.
"Can you mediate? We only have about 10 minutes left." June nodded her head understandably. "C'mon Jaime…" she whispered and the two exited the circle and walked off out of the room.
"Where are we going?" He muttered as he trudged beside her, his head lowered.
"Well, I just wondered if I could ask you a few questions?" She sighed. The two came to a halt and she gestured for him to settle next to her on an indoor type bench in the hallway. Jaime didn't agree, but he didn't disagree either. "Are you with your stepfather now, Jaime?"
"No…" he sighed bitterly, "my grandmother took custody of me a year ago… I thought what we said in there was private any way?" Jaime departed from his vulnerable state and became extra defensive, feeling betrayed.
"Yes…" she affirmed, "but when I fear for the well-being of a child I must get involved, or else I'm aiding in the danger towards them."
"You know," he mumbled, "I can take care of myself just fine – I've been doing it my whole life."
"I know you can," she said, "but sometimes its okay to ask for help. And that's what I'm here for, help. Jaime?" She started again, "I will always be here for you – even when you leave. You can count on me."
"Are we done?" He inquired, rising from the cold, leather seat. "Look – I appreciate it and all – but that was a one time thing in there, I'm not gonna become weak like the rest of them. I can handle it." With that, he walked off down the hallway.
It was the middle of the night – Jaime felt humiliated and broken – as though an embarrassing and painful scar had been ripped open. How could he face the others after what had happened? How had it happened, after all? He gripped his flat pillow and tried to bury his rambling thoughts in a deep sleep, moving around to become comfortable and trying not to awake his roommate. Then, he heard the door creak open and he watched light slowly flow into he dark room. An obscure female figure stood in the door way and then edged toward his bed. He sat up to see who it was – June. He suddenly felt nauseous and sick, for he had imagined their next confrontation with great anticipation and fear.
"What are you doing here???" he whispered.
"Shhh…" she demanded, walking backwards to shut the door and then kneeling down onto the bed. Jaime sat up next to her and they only stared at each other for a while.
"How'd you find me?" he muttered.
"I have my ways," she answered, batting her long eyelashes and revealing her big white teeth as she softly giggled. "I just had to see you…" She looked down at his tank shirt and caressed it with her fingers. As she started to dig into his skin with her fingers and force him down and he stiffened and resisted.
"I barely know you…" he said, raising his faint voice.
"But you like me, don't you?" she replied, still pushing herself over him.
"Well, yes…" he agreed, "but this is not you – why are you being so aggressive all of the sudden?" She backed away and her eyes watered up with hurt.
"I thought we had a connection…" she explained. Jaime hesitated.
"We do…" he sighed, and she ran her hand up his neck and onto his jaw, and then they brought their lips together and kissed until Jaime broke it and pulled away. "We can't do this, June…" he insisted, "you know that." She solemnly pulled herself off of him and clasped her hands together, glaring at the dark, blank wall.
She mumbled something incoherently, disappointment and surprise mounted upon her fair face. He didn't know what to say, but even more so – he couldn't understand why she had thrown herself on him – was it something he had done?
"I should go…" she said, rising from the bed. "I just thought there was something special between us… but I guess there isn't." Jaime's roommate began to stir, and for a moment the two watched the neighboring bed for a few seconds in suspense.
"Don't you understand?" Jaime whispered, "It's not that… please stay." He pleaded, and at that she paused in thought and then sat at the foot of his bed, and this time Jaime edged toward her. Both couldn't find any words, but it wasn't awkward – it was comforting. "You don't look at me differently after yesterday, do you?" he asked shyly, expecting a disheartening reply.
"Why would I?" she sincerely asked. "You mean in a bad way? Do I see you in a bad way? No…" Jaime sighed with relief. "Do you wanna talk about it?"
"God no…" Jaime retorted quickly. He laughed bitterly, "I'm not sure why I talked about it at all yesterday – it's not like me."
"Its good to talk…" June begged.
"So, they've gotten to you?" Jaime felt a bit let down.
"No… it's just, I mean part of why I started drugs is because I let my demons eat me up inside… I kept on trying to find happiness and forget all the bad stuff… but it never worked, you should know that." She justified. "Why are you so afraid of telling people? You know, they wouldn't judge you… I won't judge you." He words were quiet and subtle. Jaime was at a loss for words again and he felt the pain again, like in group, and it hurt – more than ever, all of the terrible memories, all of the guilt… why did everyone insist on making his wound bleed? Why would that make things better? He felt so open and frightened – like his dark world was closing in on me and he couldn't stand it.
"Please don't do this to me…" he said, "I've tried so hard to get rid of these memories and feelings, I don't want them anymore…" his voice quivered, and he brought his trembling hands up to his mouth. She drew her arm around his shaking body. "It just hurts so much…" he stuttered.
"I know…" she sympathized.
"I'm so scared…" he continued. "God, sometimes I just want to die…" He turned frustrated and angry, as though agonizing screams filled his head. He grabbed his short hair and leaned over, trying to resist breaking down again.
"Why would you want to die?" June asked, "I wouldn't want you to die… please don't every think of that…" her words were shaky and frightened. The quiet roommate was very aware of the conversation but he laid still. "You can get through this… please talk to me…"
"I just feel so lost sometimes… so empty…" he whimpered.
"You need love, Jaime…" she said, "I can give you love." She leaned her warm body closer into him, trying to calm his shuddering body.
"I can't be loved…" he replied sternly. "Don't you see?" Silence. "He used to tell me that I couldn't be happy because I killed them… and I shouldn't… I don't deserve to be loved… I don't deserve to be alive!" June couldn't speak for a long time. But then, she managed to find the strength.
"Jaime…" she cried, "you didn't kill them… its not your fault, you tried to save them… you can't listen to your step-father…" Silence. "What did he do to you?" The question was rhetorical, for she knew he was blinded to his father's evil. "Don't you see? You're the victim… but you can survive… I can help you." His body was aching and tired and he let himself surrender and collapse onto her lap, leaning his head into her warm shirt and surrounding his arms around her body. And she embraced him back.
"It's okay…" she assured. "You're going to be alright…" His cry was quiet and fading as she rocked him. "I'm so sorry…" she muttered underneath her breath, a tear rolling down her flushed cheek.
The night had almost passed. Jaime woke up from a deep slumber to see June lying next to him and an adult female counselor hovering over them. June opened her lazy eyes along with him and the two stared up at the counselor in intense shock.
"You know the rules around here very clearly Mr. Waite and Mrs. Fleming, it looks like this will be your last engagement."
"We didn't do anything!" June protested. "It's not what you think!"
"It doesn't matter what I think," the counselor responded abruptly, "now up and out the door you to. Better enjoy this walk, it will be last time you two are together." Jaime gulped hard, and June grabbed his hand as they followed the counselor.