Dear Sauron,
I've had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is it, I'm resigning from that joke-able force you call ringwraiths. Why? We're the worst bunch of incompetent henchmen ever to grace Middle-Earth! We can't even catch a clumsy, 3' 6", fifty-year-old halfling. Even when the odds are nine-to-one. That's just pathetic. So, Sauron, some things NEED to change. First thing is the horses. They're big, scary, and as smart and fast as a cave-troll. I'm chasing after what's-his-face, Frito Baggins, and my "faithful" steed runs as "fast" as he can, but the halfling STILL gets away. Horses are wimpy, too. Frito jumps on the raft, and what does my horse do? Stops. I scream, "JUMP AFTER HIM YOU STUPID HORSE!!!" but he just shakes that empty head of his. Sauron, get us motorcycles. I can see the Nine of us now, roaring after that she-Elf on our chrome-black Harleys. Another thing, can we just cut the dramatics? I wanted to break into that motel, and rush and stab those beds. At least it would've saved time. And we could've snatched your precious ring at Weathertop if we could've broken out of that freakin' formation!! Also, there are these weird voices that follow us everywhere, chanting "FOOO-way, (bumbumbum) FOOO-TOOOR-ray." It makes me want to jump into Mt. Doom. Our outfits are also too much. Replace them with ANYTHING, as long as they're fireproof. Some life preservers would also be nice. The armor also needs to go. Seriously, my hands are scary enough without all that metal and soon we'll be riding MOTORCYCLES so the horses won't need armor. Oh, a couple other things. Why do you make us do those dumb screams? They really kill your voice box. Do you have any idea HOW many bags of Ricola we burn through? So, when I do try to say a normal sentence it comes out all raspy. Let us communicate like normal people for a change. (Of course, we're not living or dead, we look pretty odd…) Finally, what's with that sniffing thing? I can't smell my morning coffee without SOME centipede going nuts. The Terminex bills alone would…but anyway, instead of all this smelling, why not just purchase one of those nifty radar systems. I can just see it now… (BEEP…Hobbit….BEEP…Hobbit…BEEP…Hobbit…) So, Sauron, if you ever want to see your Ring again, and if you do not want your Nine to become Eight, make some changes and get us motorcycles.
Your obedient Slave,
Nazgul #4
I've had enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is it, I'm resigning from that joke-able force you call ringwraiths. Why? We're the worst bunch of incompetent henchmen ever to grace Middle-Earth! We can't even catch a clumsy, 3' 6", fifty-year-old halfling. Even when the odds are nine-to-one. That's just pathetic. So, Sauron, some things NEED to change. First thing is the horses. They're big, scary, and as smart and fast as a cave-troll. I'm chasing after what's-his-face, Frito Baggins, and my "faithful" steed runs as "fast" as he can, but the halfling STILL gets away. Horses are wimpy, too. Frito jumps on the raft, and what does my horse do? Stops. I scream, "JUMP AFTER HIM YOU STUPID HORSE!!!" but he just shakes that empty head of his. Sauron, get us motorcycles. I can see the Nine of us now, roaring after that she-Elf on our chrome-black Harleys. Another thing, can we just cut the dramatics? I wanted to break into that motel, and rush and stab those beds. At least it would've saved time. And we could've snatched your precious ring at Weathertop if we could've broken out of that freakin' formation!! Also, there are these weird voices that follow us everywhere, chanting "FOOO-way, (bumbumbum) FOOO-TOOOR-ray." It makes me want to jump into Mt. Doom. Our outfits are also too much. Replace them with ANYTHING, as long as they're fireproof. Some life preservers would also be nice. The armor also needs to go. Seriously, my hands are scary enough without all that metal and soon we'll be riding MOTORCYCLES so the horses won't need armor. Oh, a couple other things. Why do you make us do those dumb screams? They really kill your voice box. Do you have any idea HOW many bags of Ricola we burn through? So, when I do try to say a normal sentence it comes out all raspy. Let us communicate like normal people for a change. (Of course, we're not living or dead, we look pretty odd…) Finally, what's with that sniffing thing? I can't smell my morning coffee without SOME centipede going nuts. The Terminex bills alone would…but anyway, instead of all this smelling, why not just purchase one of those nifty radar systems. I can just see it now… (BEEP…Hobbit….BEEP…Hobbit…BEEP…Hobbit…) So, Sauron, if you ever want to see your Ring again, and if you do not want your Nine to become Eight, make some changes and get us motorcycles.
Your obedient Slave,
Nazgul #4