My feet pounded hard against the pavement as I ran. The rapid beating of my heart was the only sound echoing in my ears, and my breaths came as rasps in the cold night air.
I didn't know how many people I had murdered or injured, but I remember throwing myself out the doors and running, my body pure adrenaline. The streets of Junon were deserted this late at night and the streetlights flickered against the starry backdrop of the night sky.
Junon, I had to get away from here. I had to find Tifa... I knew where she would be and I prayed in my mind Jenova wouldn't sift though my thoughts and learn her location. I desperately tried not to think of Costa del Sol, but it always seems that when you try hard NOT to think about something, it tends to become the only thing you think about. Tifa usually stayed in my villa in Costa del Sol, so that's where she might be.
I was tired, I was weak and defenseless. No more strength left in me to fight the struggle in my mind. Nothing left of myself inside of my body. Jenova had consumed me, the fight lost.
I stopped running finally at the outskirts of Junon, my breath racing to catch up, my chest heaving and my eyes darted, searching. Everything was getting very dim and blurry, I shook my head, but I had no fight left in me. I felt Jenova force my weary body onward to where she pleased.
A black chocobo lay sleeping, tied to a post outside of the Inn. I ran over to it and coaxed it awake. Jenova leafed through my mind, discovering where I thought Tifa would be and I watched my hands untie the chocobo's rope. I mounting the ebony bird and heading off towards Costa del Sol, the stars twinkling above me.
I'm tired...so tired...so tired...please, make this stop...
...my eyelids feel so heavy, let me rest...
I had never reached Costa del Sol so fast in the dead of night. The entire town was asleep, except for the Inn and the lights in my villa were still on. ...Tifa... She would be the only one who would still stay at my villa when I was away...
I dismounted the chocobo outside of town and when my feet hit the bricked road of the town it instantly began pouring rain in streaks. I didn't care though, it was comforting, the sound of each delicate drop cascading into the concrete. But it made me feel even lonelier.
I reached the villa, my footsteps slow and unsteady. My body was exhausted and the rain streaked down my face, my blond hair drooping with rainwater down in front of my brow. There was only one light on, I could see, the one in the bedroom near the back of the home.
I took a deep breath, the rain pooling everywhere around me and she was so close, so easy to defeat... I held the doorknob, testing to see if it was unlocked- it was. A grin that was not my own spread across my face. The weightless feeling got worse.
I creaked open the door gently as to make as little sound as possible and stepped into the darkness of my villa. Was she here...? I paused, listening. The bedroom door was halfway open, light streaming through the crack into the darkness of the living room I was in. I heard a slight sobbing noise coming from within...
I pressed forward, stepping closer and closer to the door and I saw her. She was standing with her back to me, looking out the window, raindrops rolling down the glass pane. She was sobbing and I felt a pain somewhere deep inside of me.
Was she crying because of me? ...Something I did caused her to be so...sad...
/So close.../ Jenova's melodic voice echoed in my mind.
Please don't make me do this...just leave me alone...
Suddenly, lightning flashed followed by a roll of thunder and I heard the wind outside pick up. Tifa sighed and sat down on the bed, her eyes were red and misty. I stared at her for a moment, concealed, feeling safe with the darkness as a barrier between us.
"Life's not fair, is it Tifa?" I whispered to myself quietly.
Suddenly, she looked straight at me, rubbing her crimson eyes.
"...c...cl...cloud...?" she tilted her head to one side and wiped her eyes.
Could she see my dimly glowing blue Mako eyes through the darkness, hear my silent words? I wanted to shrink back and hide away from her saddened expression of pain, but I had no control over my actions. I stepped forward from the darkness, into the full light of the room. Thunder rumbled once more at my exposed presence.
"Cloud!" She shrieked in realization, her eyes widening in a strange fear, and jumped up, opening her mouth to scream.
I rushed over to her quickly clasping my hand over her mouth and held her close from behind.
"Shhh... don't scream..." I whispered into her ear.
Scream, Tifa, please scream. Awake everyone and have them come running to save you from me. Please scream and prevent me from doing something terrible!! Please don't let me do this...
"Don't scream," I repeated softly.
She turned and shoved me away, she was a lot stronger than she looked and I stumbled back a few steps. She glared at me behind her mask of fear. She backed up a couple steps against the window.
"Cloud...w...what are you doing here? I thought you were in Junon," her voice was tired and strained.
"Life's not fair, is it Tifa?" I repeated my first words to her, walking closer.
"What do you m...mean? Cloud...get away from me!" Her worried face looked so beautiful even with the scar across her cheek to chin tainting her looks.
"It's not fair that you have to be so perfect..." my tone was low and threatening.
I wanted to hold her, I wanted to tell her that it wasn't me. I wanted to protect her from myself, to wipe the tears from her ruby eyes, to tell her everything was fine. But I couldn't. I was a foot away from her and I couldn't do anything to stop myself.
Her eyes searched mine, looking for an answer, wanting a reason for my behavior and actions against her. She didn't speak, but her lips trembled. She could find no answer, she didn't know the power of the foe that stood in front of her. She would never know. She would always think it was me, Cloud Strife. But it wasn't... If only she knew...
"You're life was a dream, while mine was a nightmare," I told her sullenly.
"That's not true. You know that's not true," she leaned against the window, staring at me, still searching my eyes.
"Let me ask you something. Do you have any idea what it's like being used as an experiment? Do you have the faintest idea the excruciating pain I went through!?" I suddenly raised my voice, glaring at her.
"N...no," she looked down, talking calmly.
"Do you have any idea the torture I had to go through when Sephiroth was controlling my mind, forcing me to do things against my will!?" I shouted.
...like Jenova is right now...
"You don't know what it's like to be ignored, to be a failure, a nobody! To live with voices crying in your mind constantly!!" my words were violent and I clenched my fists.
"Cloud...how did you get here? ...Please, leave..." the pain in her eyes was evident and I wanted to wrap my arms around her, but the puppet in my body wouldn't allow it.
/Yessss, anger, rage...So close.../ Jenova felt the anger spiking in me.
"You never had to experience any of the shit I was forced to! You were always so happy with your perfect little life," I stepped closer, inches from her now.
"Are you jealous, Cloud? Jealous because you're life was so bad?" her eyes seemed to shiver with awakening anger.
"Cloud, but I can't help that! Is this why you've been acting so strange lately? Is it because you're jealous of my so-thought flawless life? You have no idea the pain that I have been through in my life!" she yelled back at me.
"You were always so perfect! Too perfect for me! Even as kids you ignored me!! Don't tell me you've experienced pain because it's nothing compared to what I've seen and felt," I insisted.
/Good boy...let your anger grow.../
"I can't believe you're jealous of me! Sephiroth killed my father, and burned our town. You think I was unaffected by that!?" She shouted as thunder clapped above us, the pouring rain pelting the window.
"Sephiroth ruined my whole goddamn life! Hojo ruined my whole goddamn life! Every since I joined SOLDIER my life has been one fucking disappointment after the next!" I shouted and lightening flashed white in the room, illuminating our faces.
"It was your choice to join SOLDIER!" She countered, throwing her arms up between us.
"But I joined it for you! I did everything for you! But I was never perfect enough for you!" I cried out over the cracking thunder.
"So you're blaming me for your problems, now!?" She threw a nasty glare at me.
Just then, I felt that wonderful adrenaline rush and the weightless feeling in my arms. Everything around Tifa turned dim and gray, the thunder clapped loudly in my ears, mixing with the pattering of the pouring raindrops on the window Tifa was up against.
Suddenly, I realized the sickening clench Jenova had held on me was gone and that the words I had just spoken had been truly my own. Why would Jenova release me? For her own amusement? I stood dazed for a second, realizing what I had said to Tifa.
/Foolish boy. /
The moment my mind touched on this thought, I felt the horrible sensation as Jenova crept her control once more over my crippled mind.
A sharp pain jolting in my stomach caused me to double over and fall to the ground, clenching my teeth in pain. I writhed in pain, but the sensation soon passed. Sweat was burning on my forehead.
"C...cloud? Are you ok?" Tifa's voice softened and the thunder rumbling outside broke the silence between us as I struggled with the overpowering force of Jenova.
...please don't make me do this...
I stood up, my body shaking from the rippling pain that just passed. Tifa's eyes were cautious as she looked at me angrily.
"Cloud? What's wrong?" She held out a hand and my vision went blurry, voices screaming in my head.
"I can end your perfection, like I should have before," I reached up to tenderly touch the scar on her face.
...no, don't, please...just let me go... Tifa...it's not me!
She had little time to react as my hands reached up, grasping her small neck. My muscles were tense as I lifted her off the ground, high up against the wall.
The storm raged outside and lightning lit up her frightened face in a ghastly glow of white. I smiled, my muscles tightening, and suddenly the lights flickered and went out, thunder cracking loudly right on top of us.
Everything went silent. I heard Tifa's strangled sobs and I felt her heart pumping through the darkness. I paused, unsure of what to do.
...put her down...don't hurt her, please...so tired...
Moments after the lights had gone out, the door swung open, rain rushing in. Cid stood in his raincoat, soaking wet.
"Hey! Tifa! The lights went out over at the Inn too! Do you have some candles or - WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!" Cid's voice jumped as he saw me holding Tifa and he ran in, tracking mud all over.
"Cloud! Dammit, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You little piece of shit!!" he screamed, his voice lost in a stream of rage.
My muscles loosened and my hands let her drop to the floor, where she lay panting and sobbing, regaining her breath.
I turned to Cid, his face distorted with fury. "How the hell did you get here and what the fuck do you think you're doing!?" He raced forward.
"Get away from her!" He dashed to Tifa's side, glancing up at me with a look of pure hatred...
[[...To Be Continued... sorry, I can't write any more tonight *tired*]]
I didn't know how many people I had murdered or injured, but I remember throwing myself out the doors and running, my body pure adrenaline. The streets of Junon were deserted this late at night and the streetlights flickered against the starry backdrop of the night sky.
Junon, I had to get away from here. I had to find Tifa... I knew where she would be and I prayed in my mind Jenova wouldn't sift though my thoughts and learn her location. I desperately tried not to think of Costa del Sol, but it always seems that when you try hard NOT to think about something, it tends to become the only thing you think about. Tifa usually stayed in my villa in Costa del Sol, so that's where she might be.
I was tired, I was weak and defenseless. No more strength left in me to fight the struggle in my mind. Nothing left of myself inside of my body. Jenova had consumed me, the fight lost.
I stopped running finally at the outskirts of Junon, my breath racing to catch up, my chest heaving and my eyes darted, searching. Everything was getting very dim and blurry, I shook my head, but I had no fight left in me. I felt Jenova force my weary body onward to where she pleased.
A black chocobo lay sleeping, tied to a post outside of the Inn. I ran over to it and coaxed it awake. Jenova leafed through my mind, discovering where I thought Tifa would be and I watched my hands untie the chocobo's rope. I mounting the ebony bird and heading off towards Costa del Sol, the stars twinkling above me.
I'm tired...so tired...so tired...please, make this stop...
...my eyelids feel so heavy, let me rest...
I had never reached Costa del Sol so fast in the dead of night. The entire town was asleep, except for the Inn and the lights in my villa were still on. ...Tifa... She would be the only one who would still stay at my villa when I was away...
I dismounted the chocobo outside of town and when my feet hit the bricked road of the town it instantly began pouring rain in streaks. I didn't care though, it was comforting, the sound of each delicate drop cascading into the concrete. But it made me feel even lonelier.
I reached the villa, my footsteps slow and unsteady. My body was exhausted and the rain streaked down my face, my blond hair drooping with rainwater down in front of my brow. There was only one light on, I could see, the one in the bedroom near the back of the home.
I took a deep breath, the rain pooling everywhere around me and she was so close, so easy to defeat... I held the doorknob, testing to see if it was unlocked- it was. A grin that was not my own spread across my face. The weightless feeling got worse.
I creaked open the door gently as to make as little sound as possible and stepped into the darkness of my villa. Was she here...? I paused, listening. The bedroom door was halfway open, light streaming through the crack into the darkness of the living room I was in. I heard a slight sobbing noise coming from within...
I pressed forward, stepping closer and closer to the door and I saw her. She was standing with her back to me, looking out the window, raindrops rolling down the glass pane. She was sobbing and I felt a pain somewhere deep inside of me.
Was she crying because of me? ...Something I did caused her to be so...sad...
/So close.../ Jenova's melodic voice echoed in my mind.
Please don't make me do this...just leave me alone...
Suddenly, lightning flashed followed by a roll of thunder and I heard the wind outside pick up. Tifa sighed and sat down on the bed, her eyes were red and misty. I stared at her for a moment, concealed, feeling safe with the darkness as a barrier between us.
"Life's not fair, is it Tifa?" I whispered to myself quietly.
Suddenly, she looked straight at me, rubbing her crimson eyes.
"...c...cl...cloud...?" she tilted her head to one side and wiped her eyes.
Could she see my dimly glowing blue Mako eyes through the darkness, hear my silent words? I wanted to shrink back and hide away from her saddened expression of pain, but I had no control over my actions. I stepped forward from the darkness, into the full light of the room. Thunder rumbled once more at my exposed presence.
"Cloud!" She shrieked in realization, her eyes widening in a strange fear, and jumped up, opening her mouth to scream.
I rushed over to her quickly clasping my hand over her mouth and held her close from behind.
"Shhh... don't scream..." I whispered into her ear.
Scream, Tifa, please scream. Awake everyone and have them come running to save you from me. Please scream and prevent me from doing something terrible!! Please don't let me do this...
"Don't scream," I repeated softly.
She turned and shoved me away, she was a lot stronger than she looked and I stumbled back a few steps. She glared at me behind her mask of fear. She backed up a couple steps against the window.
"Cloud...w...what are you doing here? I thought you were in Junon," her voice was tired and strained.
"Life's not fair, is it Tifa?" I repeated my first words to her, walking closer.
"What do you m...mean? Cloud...get away from me!" Her worried face looked so beautiful even with the scar across her cheek to chin tainting her looks.
"It's not fair that you have to be so perfect..." my tone was low and threatening.
I wanted to hold her, I wanted to tell her that it wasn't me. I wanted to protect her from myself, to wipe the tears from her ruby eyes, to tell her everything was fine. But I couldn't. I was a foot away from her and I couldn't do anything to stop myself.
Her eyes searched mine, looking for an answer, wanting a reason for my behavior and actions against her. She didn't speak, but her lips trembled. She could find no answer, she didn't know the power of the foe that stood in front of her. She would never know. She would always think it was me, Cloud Strife. But it wasn't... If only she knew...
"You're life was a dream, while mine was a nightmare," I told her sullenly.
"That's not true. You know that's not true," she leaned against the window, staring at me, still searching my eyes.
"Let me ask you something. Do you have any idea what it's like being used as an experiment? Do you have the faintest idea the excruciating pain I went through!?" I suddenly raised my voice, glaring at her.
"N...no," she looked down, talking calmly.
"Do you have any idea the torture I had to go through when Sephiroth was controlling my mind, forcing me to do things against my will!?" I shouted.
...like Jenova is right now...
"You don't know what it's like to be ignored, to be a failure, a nobody! To live with voices crying in your mind constantly!!" my words were violent and I clenched my fists.
"Cloud...how did you get here? ...Please, leave..." the pain in her eyes was evident and I wanted to wrap my arms around her, but the puppet in my body wouldn't allow it.
/Yessss, anger, rage...So close.../ Jenova felt the anger spiking in me.
"You never had to experience any of the shit I was forced to! You were always so happy with your perfect little life," I stepped closer, inches from her now.
"Are you jealous, Cloud? Jealous because you're life was so bad?" her eyes seemed to shiver with awakening anger.
"Cloud, but I can't help that! Is this why you've been acting so strange lately? Is it because you're jealous of my so-thought flawless life? You have no idea the pain that I have been through in my life!" she yelled back at me.
"You were always so perfect! Too perfect for me! Even as kids you ignored me!! Don't tell me you've experienced pain because it's nothing compared to what I've seen and felt," I insisted.
/Good boy...let your anger grow.../
"I can't believe you're jealous of me! Sephiroth killed my father, and burned our town. You think I was unaffected by that!?" She shouted as thunder clapped above us, the pouring rain pelting the window.
"Sephiroth ruined my whole goddamn life! Hojo ruined my whole goddamn life! Every since I joined SOLDIER my life has been one fucking disappointment after the next!" I shouted and lightening flashed white in the room, illuminating our faces.
"It was your choice to join SOLDIER!" She countered, throwing her arms up between us.
"But I joined it for you! I did everything for you! But I was never perfect enough for you!" I cried out over the cracking thunder.
"So you're blaming me for your problems, now!?" She threw a nasty glare at me.
Just then, I felt that wonderful adrenaline rush and the weightless feeling in my arms. Everything around Tifa turned dim and gray, the thunder clapped loudly in my ears, mixing with the pattering of the pouring raindrops on the window Tifa was up against.
Suddenly, I realized the sickening clench Jenova had held on me was gone and that the words I had just spoken had been truly my own. Why would Jenova release me? For her own amusement? I stood dazed for a second, realizing what I had said to Tifa.
/Foolish boy. /
The moment my mind touched on this thought, I felt the horrible sensation as Jenova crept her control once more over my crippled mind.
A sharp pain jolting in my stomach caused me to double over and fall to the ground, clenching my teeth in pain. I writhed in pain, but the sensation soon passed. Sweat was burning on my forehead.
"C...cloud? Are you ok?" Tifa's voice softened and the thunder rumbling outside broke the silence between us as I struggled with the overpowering force of Jenova.
...please don't make me do this...
I stood up, my body shaking from the rippling pain that just passed. Tifa's eyes were cautious as she looked at me angrily.
"Cloud? What's wrong?" She held out a hand and my vision went blurry, voices screaming in my head.
"I can end your perfection, like I should have before," I reached up to tenderly touch the scar on her face.
...no, don't, please...just let me go... Tifa...it's not me!
She had little time to react as my hands reached up, grasping her small neck. My muscles were tense as I lifted her off the ground, high up against the wall.
The storm raged outside and lightning lit up her frightened face in a ghastly glow of white. I smiled, my muscles tightening, and suddenly the lights flickered and went out, thunder cracking loudly right on top of us.
Everything went silent. I heard Tifa's strangled sobs and I felt her heart pumping through the darkness. I paused, unsure of what to do.
...put her down...don't hurt her, please...so tired...
Moments after the lights had gone out, the door swung open, rain rushing in. Cid stood in his raincoat, soaking wet.
"Hey! Tifa! The lights went out over at the Inn too! Do you have some candles or - WHAT THE FUCK?!!!!!" Cid's voice jumped as he saw me holding Tifa and he ran in, tracking mud all over.
"Cloud! Dammit, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You little piece of shit!!" he screamed, his voice lost in a stream of rage.
My muscles loosened and my hands let her drop to the floor, where she lay panting and sobbing, regaining her breath.
I turned to Cid, his face distorted with fury. "How the hell did you get here and what the fuck do you think you're doing!?" He raced forward.
"Get away from her!" He dashed to Tifa's side, glancing up at me with a look of pure hatred...
[[...To Be Continued... sorry, I can't write any more tonight *tired*]]