"Blame me for what? You did nothing wrong..." Sephiroth's calm voice spoke from behind me.
I tilted my head to the side and noticed him standing right next to me. I turned and backed away from him.
"I did nothing wrong...?" my voice mirrored my puzzlement.
"No, you were simply following Jenova's command. Don't listen to this fool," Sephiroth scowled, pointing to Zack, who stood shaking his head defiantly.
"Cloud, you're so stupid...." Zack commented softly, holding his bleeding bullet wounds, letting the blood flow through his fingers.
"No! Shut up! Shut up!!! You're both not real! You're both dead!" I screamed, tearing my eyes away from their figures.
"Killed by you..." Zack whispered, eyeing Sephiroth while speaking to me.
"And I am just another sin to haunt you, true?" a new voice erupted from the darkness.
Zack and Sephiroth stared at me as I watched another figure appear. My eyes went wide with horror.
"Cid!" I hissed gently, ...unbelievable.
"No... No! No!" I shook my head, squeezing my eyes closed. "No! This is all wrong!! Get away from me!" I screamed as Cid neared me.
His neck was horribly bent out of shape and broken. He moved a lonely smile to me. "You never even thought what it would be like on the receiving end of your massacre?"
"I...I told you all! It's not my fault!! I didn't want to kill Tifa!" I cried out to the darkness and the three figures.
"You're right, it's not your fault. Don't listen to them, Cloud. They don't know what it's like to be under Jenova's influence. They have never experienced what both you and I have been through. But I feel your pain, I know what it's like to be under Jenova's power," Sephiroth's somber voice was comforting for once, and he placed a hand on my shoulder in support.
I looked up at him and saw his evil grin. Zack stood impatiently, as if knowing he was the only one who spoke the truth. Cid's mangled form crept nearer to me.
"Look what you've done to me now, Cloud," Cid's cracked lips whispered and for a moment I remember the exact words that Zack used before...
"I hope you drown in your tears, Cloud," Zack shook his head at me again as if I was a hopeless case. I remembered Tifa's words so freshly spat in my mind.
"Stupid, stupid, boy, so confused by everything around you. Which one speaks the truth?" yet another voice separated itself from the cries in my mind and joined the three figures.
"Jenova..." I whimpered in fear, recognizing the cold feminine voice like ice.
"You can't get him, Jenova, he's not in the waking world yet," Sephiroth called out to Jenova.
"Don't worry, Cloud," Zack reassured me. "Don't let it happen again. Don't let her take your mind once more," he warned.
"Poor Cloud, so alone and scared and confused by what's happened and what is happening," Jenova laughed.
"I hate you, Cloud Strife! I hate you and I never want to see you again!" Tifa's last words to me echoed solemnly through my thoughts, fresh tears springing to my eyes.
"Cloud, there was nothing you could do. Nobody can possibly understand what it's like to be under such a powerful entity like Jenova. It was either Cid or Tifa," Sephiroth stated.
"Why didn't you save yourself? Why were you always too damn depressed or sunken in a pit of self-pity to realize the feelings of those around you?" Zack asked, "You never realized how much you affected some people, like Tifa..."
"Why didn't you do anything to save me? Why were you always too weak? You know why you were always too weak?" Cid twisted his neck to look at me. I flinched away from him, not wanting to see his broken spinal cord sticking from the skin.
"You know why you were always too weak? It's 'cause you were always too busy thinking about yourself and your own goddamn problems. You never saw the big picture, you were always too involved with yourself," Cid yelled at me.
"I was too...busy thinking of myself?" I restated his words, thinking about carefully.
"You dumbass! What he's trying to say is that you were always too concerned with yourself that you eventually grew weak. Strong minds are those who are generous and help others. Those who strive to become a hero- those are the strong ones. You? You were never a hero!" Zack laughed. "Always too busy dwelling on what a horrible life you've had that you never saw passed it. You never saw the good things that could have come from your life... you never saw Tifa!"
"That's not true. All lies, Cloud. Don't listen to them. You life was horrible! What more did they expect from you? You were tortured! None of them have ever had to go through what you've had to go through. You have a reason to dwell in self-pity!" Sephiroth told me, grinning all the time.
"No...I did see Tifa. Zack, you're wrong. I saw her. And I loved her. I really cared for her. I just thought that she was too good for me. I figured if she went through some pain and torture she'd understand me more and love me more... I don't know. It's hard to think now. I can't put any of the pieces of my memory together correctly. I don't understand my own motives..." I admitted, wiping my eyes as the shrieks in my head grew louder.
"There are so many conflicts within you! So many thoughts and emotions. But you never realized what was most important. You never realized that we, your friends, were most important!" Cid informed me, cracking his neck back with his hands.
"Shut up! All of you! Shut up!! I don't need to hear it! I don't need any advice from my own hallucinations!" I screamed.
The voices grew silent for a moment.
"But you know us each so well. You ended all of our lives. You let me die because you were too concerned with your own safety to put your life on the line to save me!" Zack accused.
"Now that's just not true! Cloud was injured, what was he to do? You wanted him to get up, bleeding and dying, and miraculously save you? It's impossible! You expected too much from him," Sephiroth's words seemed kind and denied all my hatred buried deep within me for him.
Zack paused for a second. "Cloud killed you, Sephiroth? And you're not bitter about it? He murdered Cid with his own bare hands?!" Zack pointed at me, arguing with Sephiroth.
"Get outta my mind! I don't want this!! I can't change the past! I can't do a damn thing about whatever's happened to me before and I'm sorry for all my mistakes, dammit! Just leave me alone! All of you!!" I shouted with such fury that the voices abruptly stopped and everything grew eerily silent.
"You can't ignore us. We are your sins..." Cid sadly reminded me.
"Why do these voices argue?! Why are you all constantly arguing with me?" I screamed at the voices that began droning around me once more. The three figures stared at me, while the noise continued screaming in my ears.
"Your emotions constantly conflict eachother and your thoughts betray you. Your own motives for your actions make you guilty and weak," Jenova called to me.
"This is driving me insane!!! Why won't you all stop arguing and taking sides and pointing out my faults and blaming me! Just stop it!! Leave me the fuck alone!" I curled up in the darkness, clutching my head against the deafening noise and the voices arguing from the figures. I rocked back and forth slightly.
"But if it's all in your mind, why don't you just make us go away...?" Zack tilted his head to the side, his eyes plainly questioning me.
I stopped rocking for a moment. I stared up at each of them, not having an answer to such a simple question.
Sephiroth, with his long silver hair waving in the air despite the fact there was no breeze. His emerald eyes reflected Aeris's. My hatred burned deeper for this man than anyone else, yet it was he who was supporting me. My emotions collided with eachother and my vision blurred for a moment. I shook my head and moved my eyes and thoughts onto Zack.
Zack, spiky black hair shiny and messed. He was my best friend, and my idol. I had stolen his identity for half of my life, wishing my past were his and not my own. I wanted to exchange identities with him, fearing that to face my own troubled past would break myself down- it did.
And here he was yelled to my face, screaming that I was weak and blaming me for his death. Was it really my fault? The friend I cared so much for was burdening me with his fateful death... Again my thoughts and emotions seemed to repel eachother for this conflicted figure standing above me. My thoughts tumbled until I couldn't face the enigma any longer. I turned my eyes to Cid.
But Cid wasn't there...
Instead, it was... me!
"What the hell..." I stared at Cloud intently, unable to belief that myself was standing in front of me.
His spikey blond hair stood proud coupled with the arrogant, yet solemn, expression on his face, as if nobody could even fathom understanding the hurt he went through and the pain he endured within.
His clear blue eyes glowed softly and withheld a deep pain, a deep insanity that he kept to himself, holding away from the world. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept in days and he gazed at me with those shining eyes impatiently.
"What do you want?" Cloud mumbled sadly to me.
I was speechless. Unable to form any words in my surprise at hearing my own voice spoken. I didn't have the time to choke out an inaudible response to him, though.
"Why do you paint yourself such a pretty self portrait?" Jenova's icy voice wondered through the darkness.
"Allow me to show you your true self, you stupid, angry little boy..." Jenova's voice shifted from gentle to angry as Cloud brought his sad eyes to meet mine again.
Little did anyone know that the only thing I am most afraid of is my true self...
Zack and Sephiroth stood by silently as my worst nightmare formed from the dark shadows...
I tilted my head to the side and noticed him standing right next to me. I turned and backed away from him.
"I did nothing wrong...?" my voice mirrored my puzzlement.
"No, you were simply following Jenova's command. Don't listen to this fool," Sephiroth scowled, pointing to Zack, who stood shaking his head defiantly.
"Cloud, you're so stupid...." Zack commented softly, holding his bleeding bullet wounds, letting the blood flow through his fingers.
"No! Shut up! Shut up!!! You're both not real! You're both dead!" I screamed, tearing my eyes away from their figures.
"Killed by you..." Zack whispered, eyeing Sephiroth while speaking to me.
"And I am just another sin to haunt you, true?" a new voice erupted from the darkness.
Zack and Sephiroth stared at me as I watched another figure appear. My eyes went wide with horror.
"Cid!" I hissed gently, ...unbelievable.
"No... No! No!" I shook my head, squeezing my eyes closed. "No! This is all wrong!! Get away from me!" I screamed as Cid neared me.
His neck was horribly bent out of shape and broken. He moved a lonely smile to me. "You never even thought what it would be like on the receiving end of your massacre?"
"I...I told you all! It's not my fault!! I didn't want to kill Tifa!" I cried out to the darkness and the three figures.
"You're right, it's not your fault. Don't listen to them, Cloud. They don't know what it's like to be under Jenova's influence. They have never experienced what both you and I have been through. But I feel your pain, I know what it's like to be under Jenova's power," Sephiroth's somber voice was comforting for once, and he placed a hand on my shoulder in support.
I looked up at him and saw his evil grin. Zack stood impatiently, as if knowing he was the only one who spoke the truth. Cid's mangled form crept nearer to me.
"Look what you've done to me now, Cloud," Cid's cracked lips whispered and for a moment I remember the exact words that Zack used before...
"I hope you drown in your tears, Cloud," Zack shook his head at me again as if I was a hopeless case. I remembered Tifa's words so freshly spat in my mind.
"Stupid, stupid, boy, so confused by everything around you. Which one speaks the truth?" yet another voice separated itself from the cries in my mind and joined the three figures.
"Jenova..." I whimpered in fear, recognizing the cold feminine voice like ice.
"You can't get him, Jenova, he's not in the waking world yet," Sephiroth called out to Jenova.
"Don't worry, Cloud," Zack reassured me. "Don't let it happen again. Don't let her take your mind once more," he warned.
"Poor Cloud, so alone and scared and confused by what's happened and what is happening," Jenova laughed.
"I hate you, Cloud Strife! I hate you and I never want to see you again!" Tifa's last words to me echoed solemnly through my thoughts, fresh tears springing to my eyes.
"Cloud, there was nothing you could do. Nobody can possibly understand what it's like to be under such a powerful entity like Jenova. It was either Cid or Tifa," Sephiroth stated.
"Why didn't you save yourself? Why were you always too damn depressed or sunken in a pit of self-pity to realize the feelings of those around you?" Zack asked, "You never realized how much you affected some people, like Tifa..."
"Why didn't you do anything to save me? Why were you always too weak? You know why you were always too weak?" Cid twisted his neck to look at me. I flinched away from him, not wanting to see his broken spinal cord sticking from the skin.
"You know why you were always too weak? It's 'cause you were always too busy thinking about yourself and your own goddamn problems. You never saw the big picture, you were always too involved with yourself," Cid yelled at me.
"I was too...busy thinking of myself?" I restated his words, thinking about carefully.
"You dumbass! What he's trying to say is that you were always too concerned with yourself that you eventually grew weak. Strong minds are those who are generous and help others. Those who strive to become a hero- those are the strong ones. You? You were never a hero!" Zack laughed. "Always too busy dwelling on what a horrible life you've had that you never saw passed it. You never saw the good things that could have come from your life... you never saw Tifa!"
"That's not true. All lies, Cloud. Don't listen to them. You life was horrible! What more did they expect from you? You were tortured! None of them have ever had to go through what you've had to go through. You have a reason to dwell in self-pity!" Sephiroth told me, grinning all the time.
"No...I did see Tifa. Zack, you're wrong. I saw her. And I loved her. I really cared for her. I just thought that she was too good for me. I figured if she went through some pain and torture she'd understand me more and love me more... I don't know. It's hard to think now. I can't put any of the pieces of my memory together correctly. I don't understand my own motives..." I admitted, wiping my eyes as the shrieks in my head grew louder.
"There are so many conflicts within you! So many thoughts and emotions. But you never realized what was most important. You never realized that we, your friends, were most important!" Cid informed me, cracking his neck back with his hands.
"Shut up! All of you! Shut up!! I don't need to hear it! I don't need any advice from my own hallucinations!" I screamed.
The voices grew silent for a moment.
"But you know us each so well. You ended all of our lives. You let me die because you were too concerned with your own safety to put your life on the line to save me!" Zack accused.
"Now that's just not true! Cloud was injured, what was he to do? You wanted him to get up, bleeding and dying, and miraculously save you? It's impossible! You expected too much from him," Sephiroth's words seemed kind and denied all my hatred buried deep within me for him.
Zack paused for a second. "Cloud killed you, Sephiroth? And you're not bitter about it? He murdered Cid with his own bare hands?!" Zack pointed at me, arguing with Sephiroth.
"Get outta my mind! I don't want this!! I can't change the past! I can't do a damn thing about whatever's happened to me before and I'm sorry for all my mistakes, dammit! Just leave me alone! All of you!!" I shouted with such fury that the voices abruptly stopped and everything grew eerily silent.
"You can't ignore us. We are your sins..." Cid sadly reminded me.
"Why do these voices argue?! Why are you all constantly arguing with me?" I screamed at the voices that began droning around me once more. The three figures stared at me, while the noise continued screaming in my ears.
"Your emotions constantly conflict eachother and your thoughts betray you. Your own motives for your actions make you guilty and weak," Jenova called to me.
"This is driving me insane!!! Why won't you all stop arguing and taking sides and pointing out my faults and blaming me! Just stop it!! Leave me the fuck alone!" I curled up in the darkness, clutching my head against the deafening noise and the voices arguing from the figures. I rocked back and forth slightly.
"But if it's all in your mind, why don't you just make us go away...?" Zack tilted his head to the side, his eyes plainly questioning me.
I stopped rocking for a moment. I stared up at each of them, not having an answer to such a simple question.
Sephiroth, with his long silver hair waving in the air despite the fact there was no breeze. His emerald eyes reflected Aeris's. My hatred burned deeper for this man than anyone else, yet it was he who was supporting me. My emotions collided with eachother and my vision blurred for a moment. I shook my head and moved my eyes and thoughts onto Zack.
Zack, spiky black hair shiny and messed. He was my best friend, and my idol. I had stolen his identity for half of my life, wishing my past were his and not my own. I wanted to exchange identities with him, fearing that to face my own troubled past would break myself down- it did.
And here he was yelled to my face, screaming that I was weak and blaming me for his death. Was it really my fault? The friend I cared so much for was burdening me with his fateful death... Again my thoughts and emotions seemed to repel eachother for this conflicted figure standing above me. My thoughts tumbled until I couldn't face the enigma any longer. I turned my eyes to Cid.
But Cid wasn't there...
Instead, it was... me!
"What the hell..." I stared at Cloud intently, unable to belief that myself was standing in front of me.
His spikey blond hair stood proud coupled with the arrogant, yet solemn, expression on his face, as if nobody could even fathom understanding the hurt he went through and the pain he endured within.
His clear blue eyes glowed softly and withheld a deep pain, a deep insanity that he kept to himself, holding away from the world. He looked tired, like he hadn't slept in days and he gazed at me with those shining eyes impatiently.
"What do you want?" Cloud mumbled sadly to me.
I was speechless. Unable to form any words in my surprise at hearing my own voice spoken. I didn't have the time to choke out an inaudible response to him, though.
"Why do you paint yourself such a pretty self portrait?" Jenova's icy voice wondered through the darkness.
"Allow me to show you your true self, you stupid, angry little boy..." Jenova's voice shifted from gentle to angry as Cloud brought his sad eyes to meet mine again.
Little did anyone know that the only thing I am most afraid of is my true self...
Zack and Sephiroth stood by silently as my worst nightmare formed from the dark shadows...