I was waiting. I sat in my cell and paced... waiting for Tifa, waiting for Barret, for anyone... but I knew nobody would forgive me for murdering Cid. But if only they knew it wasn't me who killed Cid... it was Jenova. It was Jenova, not me! Why couldn't anyone believe me?
The sun had set and risen only once, but each second felt like a minute, each minute like an hour! Time moved so slowly I could have sworn I was waiting for an eternity.
Just when I thought I could bear no more tedious hours, pacing back and forth, tearing at my hair, the door opened and she walked down to my cell. I couldn't believe it! I swore I heard angels calling her name as she stepped towards me, but her eyes avoided mine. A smile spread across my face.
"Tifa! You showed up!" I whispered happily, words unable to express my joy.
She didn't even glance up, but kept her eyes on the floor. "I'm giving you 5 minutes of my time." She announced harshly.
"Tifa, please I need you to understand one thing..." I blinked as Sephiroth's image flashed by my eyes. "Tifa," I began again, but Sephiroth snickered and appeared behind her figure.
"4 minutes. I don't have time for your nonsense..." Tifa scowled, but never met my gaze.
"No, please, listen. You need to understand that I never wanted to hurt you! I wasn't able to control myself..." I pleaded.
"You never wanted to hurt me? I'm sure that explains the big scar on my cheek, right?!" she spat angrily.
"Listen to me, please! I would never want to hurt you, but I was under Jenova's power," I stopped talking to hear Tifa huff and roll her eyes. "Please! Understand. I never wanted to hurt Cid either!"
"You didn't just hurt him! You KILLED him!! Cid's dead because of you!" She shouted and backed away a step.
"Tifa, you're not listening to me!" I began to get frustrated. "It wasn't me in control that night. It was Her, it was Jenova! It's true that sometimes I am not myself," I noticed Sephiroth start laughing when I said this, but I ignored him and continued, "But I definitely would never ever wanna hurt you or Cid or anyone!"
"Why should I believe you? You're just using Jenova as an excuse! A pitiful stupid excuse because everyone knows you have problems with your past and with Sephiroth. Well I don't care and I don't buy your sad story!" her words cut through me like daggers and the ache in my heart started up again.
"But..." I began to protest.
"You are insane, Cloud. You are not mentally well and you cannot blame Jenova," she wiped her eyes.
There was no mirror in my cell, so I couldn't tell what I looked like. Did I look ...insane? Oh god, I feel insane. My grip on reality is warped and my sanity is harder to clutch than before...please, help me!
"No, I'm not insane..." I denied, ignoring the pounding protests in my mind. "I'm not insane!" I repeated again as if for reassurance.
Tifa sighed. "You've got one more minute. Now what was it that was so important you wanted to tell me?"
I stopped and I realized I had to tell her now... Everything was building up to these words and I hoped it wouldn't break anything down...
"Tifa. I...love you," I felt the tears hit my eyes as if she had already stabbed me in the heart.
"Love? You love me? You tried to kill me! And now you are saying you love me? I don't think you know what love is, Cloud. I don't think you could ever understand!" She suddenly screamed, tears forming in her eyes.
"But...you said before...that...you loved me...once..." I reminded her sadly, finding it hurt to talk.
"I thought I loved you once... But I can NEVER love you again after all that's happened, after all the hurt you put me through!" She cried, for the first time looking right into my eyes, her soulful ruby ones meeting mine. And I saw her pain...her emotional tragedy... familiar to my own...
"Hurt? I never wanted to hurt you! I never wanted anything bad to happen to you! It wasn't my fault! You need to understand that Jenova is still alive and Jenova is still trying to dominate me! It wasn't me controlling the hands that Cid died by...it was all Jenova! Please, you must understand! I don't wanna lose you!" I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I didn't brush them away, I wanted Tifa to see how I was suffering.
"What do you have to cry about?" She angrily yelled, brushing away her own tears. "You're friend isn't dead! The one you love didn't try to kill you, didn't try to hurt you!"
"Yes she did... The girl I love hurt me a lot... Tifa..." I barely could speak, her sharp words biting me.
"You don't love me, Cloud! You're not capable of love! You don't know what love is! You are an emotional and mental wreck!" She had done it. She had broken my heart. Right then and there, for the second time, she had destroyed me.
She was my fall into insanity, she was my reason to die, my lost will... Everything stopped, everything turned gray.
"But you said before...you...love...me..." I couldn't say the words without quivering and letting the tears fall silently.
"I still do, but I love who you used to be...You're not the same anymore though. You're not the one I fell in love with and you cannot return my love," her red teary eyes met mine.
"Why should we both go through such pain when we can be happy together?" I whispered barely audible through the bars of my cell to her.
"We can never be happy together. Nothing will ever work out with you in this condition. If Jenova is fighting to take control over you, I don't think you can return the love I once had for you. I don't think you could ever be the same Cloud I fell in love with. I'm sorry..." She turned away and began to leave.
"No!! Please! Don't leave me! We can work things out! We can be together! I can grow strong with you and Jenova won't be a threat!" I shouted after her, reaching my arms through the steel bars, wanting only to reach her and to hold her.
"I hate the person you've become and I cannot trust you after you killed Cid and almost killed me. I won't ever see you again," She calmly told me, wiping her eyes.
There was nothing more I could say...nothing more to feel, everything was dead. I tried to speak, but my voice left me. I tried to cry, but my tears ran dry. I was hollow now.
I felt dead and as soon as the door shut behind her, I fell to the concrete floor, feeling my own weight sink me into the ground. There was no emotion in me, no thoughts. She was gone now... I would never see her again. I told her I loved her and she rejected it with harsh words. She no longer loved me and thought I was incapable of feeling love.
If I cannot feel love, then why did my heart break?
~"You are just a puppet... You have no heart...and cannot feel any pain... How can there be any meaning in the memory of such a being?"~ Sephiroth's voice pounded into my thoughts, sprung from a memory embedded in me, from when Tifa and I had first reached the North Crater, before Weapon was released.
I rocked back and forth, trying to silence the growing voices. Jenova sighed as she easily gripped onto my collapsed mind.
"Worthless creature now..." She hissed. "How can you carry out my bidding trapped in a cell. If only you had killed Tifa instead of Cid, I could have had full control over you before! Now, you're worthless. Hojo was right, you are a failure.."
Even 'Mother' didn't accept me now... but she wouldn't release me. Zack and Sephiroth faded away into a background of screaming voices, leaving me alone once more.
THE END
ooc: ok, finally finished! Do you think it ended ok, or does it need another short chapter to wrap everything up? I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for reading! I might add more later, so be sure to check back soon!
~~Also, I know I made Tifa seem a bit bitchy in this, but I really like her character and I was trying to explain how hurt she was that Cloud killed Cid and nearly killed her too. I was trying to see it from her point of view and I wasn't intending for her to seem bitchy. So don't get me wrong, I love Tifa's character, don't think I hate her!~~
The sun had set and risen only once, but each second felt like a minute, each minute like an hour! Time moved so slowly I could have sworn I was waiting for an eternity.
Just when I thought I could bear no more tedious hours, pacing back and forth, tearing at my hair, the door opened and she walked down to my cell. I couldn't believe it! I swore I heard angels calling her name as she stepped towards me, but her eyes avoided mine. A smile spread across my face.
"Tifa! You showed up!" I whispered happily, words unable to express my joy.
She didn't even glance up, but kept her eyes on the floor. "I'm giving you 5 minutes of my time." She announced harshly.
"Tifa, please I need you to understand one thing..." I blinked as Sephiroth's image flashed by my eyes. "Tifa," I began again, but Sephiroth snickered and appeared behind her figure.
"4 minutes. I don't have time for your nonsense..." Tifa scowled, but never met my gaze.
"No, please, listen. You need to understand that I never wanted to hurt you! I wasn't able to control myself..." I pleaded.
"You never wanted to hurt me? I'm sure that explains the big scar on my cheek, right?!" she spat angrily.
"Listen to me, please! I would never want to hurt you, but I was under Jenova's power," I stopped talking to hear Tifa huff and roll her eyes. "Please! Understand. I never wanted to hurt Cid either!"
"You didn't just hurt him! You KILLED him!! Cid's dead because of you!" She shouted and backed away a step.
"Tifa, you're not listening to me!" I began to get frustrated. "It wasn't me in control that night. It was Her, it was Jenova! It's true that sometimes I am not myself," I noticed Sephiroth start laughing when I said this, but I ignored him and continued, "But I definitely would never ever wanna hurt you or Cid or anyone!"
"Why should I believe you? You're just using Jenova as an excuse! A pitiful stupid excuse because everyone knows you have problems with your past and with Sephiroth. Well I don't care and I don't buy your sad story!" her words cut through me like daggers and the ache in my heart started up again.
"But..." I began to protest.
"You are insane, Cloud. You are not mentally well and you cannot blame Jenova," she wiped her eyes.
There was no mirror in my cell, so I couldn't tell what I looked like. Did I look ...insane? Oh god, I feel insane. My grip on reality is warped and my sanity is harder to clutch than before...please, help me!
"No, I'm not insane..." I denied, ignoring the pounding protests in my mind. "I'm not insane!" I repeated again as if for reassurance.
Tifa sighed. "You've got one more minute. Now what was it that was so important you wanted to tell me?"
I stopped and I realized I had to tell her now... Everything was building up to these words and I hoped it wouldn't break anything down...
"Tifa. I...love you," I felt the tears hit my eyes as if she had already stabbed me in the heart.
"Love? You love me? You tried to kill me! And now you are saying you love me? I don't think you know what love is, Cloud. I don't think you could ever understand!" She suddenly screamed, tears forming in her eyes.
"But...you said before...that...you loved me...once..." I reminded her sadly, finding it hurt to talk.
"I thought I loved you once... But I can NEVER love you again after all that's happened, after all the hurt you put me through!" She cried, for the first time looking right into my eyes, her soulful ruby ones meeting mine. And I saw her pain...her emotional tragedy... familiar to my own...
"Hurt? I never wanted to hurt you! I never wanted anything bad to happen to you! It wasn't my fault! You need to understand that Jenova is still alive and Jenova is still trying to dominate me! It wasn't me controlling the hands that Cid died by...it was all Jenova! Please, you must understand! I don't wanna lose you!" I felt the hot tears roll down my cheeks, but I didn't care. I didn't brush them away, I wanted Tifa to see how I was suffering.
"What do you have to cry about?" She angrily yelled, brushing away her own tears. "You're friend isn't dead! The one you love didn't try to kill you, didn't try to hurt you!"
"Yes she did... The girl I love hurt me a lot... Tifa..." I barely could speak, her sharp words biting me.
"You don't love me, Cloud! You're not capable of love! You don't know what love is! You are an emotional and mental wreck!" She had done it. She had broken my heart. Right then and there, for the second time, she had destroyed me.
She was my fall into insanity, she was my reason to die, my lost will... Everything stopped, everything turned gray.
"But you said before...you...love...me..." I couldn't say the words without quivering and letting the tears fall silently.
"I still do, but I love who you used to be...You're not the same anymore though. You're not the one I fell in love with and you cannot return my love," her red teary eyes met mine.
"Why should we both go through such pain when we can be happy together?" I whispered barely audible through the bars of my cell to her.
"We can never be happy together. Nothing will ever work out with you in this condition. If Jenova is fighting to take control over you, I don't think you can return the love I once had for you. I don't think you could ever be the same Cloud I fell in love with. I'm sorry..." She turned away and began to leave.
"No!! Please! Don't leave me! We can work things out! We can be together! I can grow strong with you and Jenova won't be a threat!" I shouted after her, reaching my arms through the steel bars, wanting only to reach her and to hold her.
"I hate the person you've become and I cannot trust you after you killed Cid and almost killed me. I won't ever see you again," She calmly told me, wiping her eyes.
There was nothing more I could say...nothing more to feel, everything was dead. I tried to speak, but my voice left me. I tried to cry, but my tears ran dry. I was hollow now.
I felt dead and as soon as the door shut behind her, I fell to the concrete floor, feeling my own weight sink me into the ground. There was no emotion in me, no thoughts. She was gone now... I would never see her again. I told her I loved her and she rejected it with harsh words. She no longer loved me and thought I was incapable of feeling love.
If I cannot feel love, then why did my heart break?
~"You are just a puppet... You have no heart...and cannot feel any pain... How can there be any meaning in the memory of such a being?"~ Sephiroth's voice pounded into my thoughts, sprung from a memory embedded in me, from when Tifa and I had first reached the North Crater, before Weapon was released.
I rocked back and forth, trying to silence the growing voices. Jenova sighed as she easily gripped onto my collapsed mind.
"Worthless creature now..." She hissed. "How can you carry out my bidding trapped in a cell. If only you had killed Tifa instead of Cid, I could have had full control over you before! Now, you're worthless. Hojo was right, you are a failure.."
Even 'Mother' didn't accept me now... but she wouldn't release me. Zack and Sephiroth faded away into a background of screaming voices, leaving me alone once more.
THE END
ooc: ok, finally finished! Do you think it ended ok, or does it need another short chapter to wrap everything up? I'd love to know what you think. Thanks for reading! I might add more later, so be sure to check back soon!
~~Also, I know I made Tifa seem a bit bitchy in this, but I really like her character and I was trying to explain how hurt she was that Cloud killed Cid and nearly killed her too. I was trying to see it from her point of view and I wasn't intending for her to seem bitchy. So don't get me wrong, I love Tifa's character, don't think I hate her!~~