Hey everybody! Your feedback motivated me so much that I've got the second chapter right here! Thanks everyone! This is Pete's revenge on Lex Luthor. Be warned there will be some Clex scenes coming up.
Disclaimers: Don't own them.
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Chapter 2: Lex Luthor
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: On the outside Lex Luthor may appear to be the epitome of suave. He wears a lot of leather, he's got a new car every week which he drives like it's the General Lee, and he talks like an evil genius, but that's all fake. And I can prove it. (wicked grin)
CUT TO: Luthor mansion, day.
(Lex is doing aerobics in front of the TV. Richard Simmons is on, oh joy! Lex is wearing a pink leotard, white tights and a headband that says 'Princess' on it. He dabs his face with a white towel.)
Richard Simmons: C'mon ladies....let's work it....and one.....and two....
Lex: (smacks his butt, disgusted.) Damn. Look at you, you flabby tushie! You had to eat dessert last night didn't you. You'll never be good enough for Clark. (Starts spanking himself) Never! Ever! Wait a minute....this feels kinda good. (he starts to mumble)
Lex: Oh, Clark! You're so naughty....Mmmmmmmmm......
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Do you need to see anymore? I hope not because it gets pretty disturbing after awhile. I'm not done with this though. Lex should get it the most for stealing Clarkbar away from me. Lex is in Smallville for a few months and then suddenly Clark starts calling him his best friend. And what am I, chopped liver?! Therefore, these next few clips will be revenge on both Clark and Lex. (sneers.) Just roll the freakin' tape.
CUT TO: The Talon
(Clark is sitting at a table with a cappuccino in his hand. Lex enters and Clark's gaydar just hit pay dirt. Clark suddenly dunks his face in the mug, getting whipped cream all over him. Lex comes and sits down across from him.)
Lex: You've got a little whipped cream there, Clark.
Clark: (leans over the table and bats his eyelashes.) Really? (giggles) Clumsy me.
Lex: May I?
Clark: Be my guest.
(Lex pulls a strawberry out of his jacket pocket that he keeps in there for emergencies like this. He takes some of the whipped cream off with it and sticks it in Clark's mouth. Clark sucks on it a long time before taking a long bite, moaning gratefully. Lex pulls it out and bites it to the end.)
Clark: Is it all gone?
Lex: Not quite. (swipes some off with his finger. Puts it in Clark's mouth. Clark purrs and the finger remains in there for about five minutes. Lex pulls his finger out and sucks on it.)
Clark: How does it taste?
Lex: Mmmmmmm..... minty.
(Shot of under the table where Lex's shoe is going up Clark's pant leg. Clark looks like he's on the verge of hysteria.)
Clark: (stops) Damn. My zipper just popped.
CUT TO: Pete
Now strawberries and whipped cream is on the list of things I can never eat thanks to those two. Also on that list are bananas, grapefruit, hotdogs, and chocolate covered raisins. And, I can never ever drink bottled water after watching Lex drink out of one of those blue bottles and then start screaming Clark's name. (shudders)
Pete: (cont) This next clip was shot on location at a small kareokee bar in Metropolis.)
CUT TO: Bar
(Lex is onstage with a mic in his hand. He is wearing glittery eye make-up, heart shaped pink sunglasses, a pink feather boa, a tight red muscle shirt and tight crocodile skin pants.)
Lex: This next tune goes out to my special fella in the audience.....Clark baby, this is for you. (deep breath.) Starts to sing) I've got sunshine....on a cloudy day...when it's cold outside.....I've got the month of May....I guess you'd say..what can make me feel this way...My girl.....My girl.......
(He's interrupted by Clark's Wonderbra and house key being flung onto the stage. The author giggles, imagining Lex on the stage because he might sorta look like Moby.)
Lex: Forget this! (jumps off stage and grabs Clark's hand) Let's blow this joint sugar plum.
Clark: Right behind you, Sexy Lexie!
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: I'm still a little confused about that one. (shakes his head.) Anyway, more mortifying clips.
CUT TO: Park
( Lex and Clark are sitting on a blanket. Lex is braiding Clark's hair)
Clark: You know, Lana invited me to go to Maine with her over vacation. (sighs) I'm kinda scared.
Lex: (trying not to sound jealous) Scared? Why?
Clark: Duh. I've never kissed a girl.
Lex: Haven't you ever practiced with Pete or somebody.
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Hell no!
CUT TO: Park
Clark: Of course not. Eww.
Lex: There's nothing gross about it. You have to learn somehow. Turn to me. (Clark turns) Now close your eyes and wet your lips.
Clark: Are you for real.
Lex: Sure, why not? (kisses him briefly on the mouth)
Clark: (looks excited and happy. His plan is working!) That was pretty nice....
Lex: Okay, let's try it again, only this time with the tongue.
Clark: Be still my heart!
(Their lips meet. They start to french kiss. After a few minutes, they pull away)
Lex: How was it?
Clark: Everything I've ever dreamed of. (goofy eyes, like when he saw Lana in "X-Ray.")
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Don't get me started on that one. That is not how boys learn to kiss! We learn from kissing posters you idiots!! Yikes....
CUT TO: Kent barn
(Jonathan grunts as he heaves a bale of hay onto a high stack of more hay. Lex enters, singing softly.)
Lex: My body's too bootylicous for ya babe. I don't think you're ready for this jelly...(stops suddenly. Smiles) Hello, gorgeous...I mean Mr. Kent.
Jonathan: (turns around) Clark isn't home, Lex.
Lex: Well, okay. I guess I'll just come back later or something. Um, you dropped a screwdriver there. And now I've got all these ideas in my head.
(Jonathan bends down, and Lex enjoys the view)
Lex: What I wouldn't give for a roll in the hay with you, farm boy.
Jonathan: Huh?
Lex: Um......nothing. (smacks Jonathan's butt and runs away.)
(Jonathan yelps and looks infuriated. He opens his mouth and starts singing the DoH theme. More dubbing. He's really yelling a string of obscenities.)
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: You never, ever, mess with Bo Duke and get away with it. I don't care who you are! But it gets even worse.
CUT TO: Fortress of Solitude
(Lex is looking through Clark's telescope. Clark enters, shirtless and sweaty. He stops, sees Lex, checks him out, and then smoothes his hair.)
Clark: Hey...Lex....I wasn't expecting you.
(Lex doesn't take his eyes away from the telescope.)
Lex: You know if you angle this thing right you can watch your dad changing. (Whistles)
(Now Clark's angry. Frantically he takes off his jeans.)
Clark: Gee, if I knew you were coming I might've put on some pants.
(Lex's eyes widen. He turns around and sees Clark standing there in only boxers. He dives and tackles him)
Clark: You like me, you really like me!
CUT TO: Pete
Frightening, isn't it. You know Lionel Luthor is evil too. He took my family's business away. And gosh darnit I was looking forward to being the Creamed Corn King of Kansas. (plops on a Burger King crown and pouts) This is as close as I'll ever get. (suddenly grins) On the other hand, I feel like Bernie Mac right now. (clears his throat.)
Pete: (Cont) Listen America, have you ever seen a thing like that? Lionel Luthor goes and steals jobs from the black folk. Just watch this. Just look at it. You'll see how screwed up he really is!
CUT TO: Luthor mansion.
(Lionel and Lex are sitting on the floor, each holding a Barbie in one hand, Lex has Police Woman Barbie and Lionel has Warden Ken. Lionel has a Hawaiian flower tucked behind his ear and is wearing an off the shoulder white number.)
Lex: (moving his Barbie around) Frisk me baby! You know you want to!
Lionel: Just let me get my handcuffs baby! (stops) You know I just noticed how blue your eyes are, Barbie dearest.
Lex: (in a low whispery Barbie voice) I've known for years.
Lionel: (in lower, more whispery, attempted sexy voice) I'm not wearing any suspenders.
Lex: Oh, Ken. You don't know what that does to me.
Lionel: Let's find out. (Makes Ken hold up a small plastic key ring.) The keys to Cell Block C.
Lex: Let's go! You can be the naughty convict and I can be your conjugal visit.
Lionel: Hold on a second Barbie. I just want to comb my hair with this neato pink brush!
Lex: Oh, oh, lemme use it too. Pretty please, Daddy? (bats his eyelashes) I love you, Daddy.
Lionel: Okay, sure son. I just love these father son moments. (puts a hula dress on Ken) Wowee! This is FUNtabulous!
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: That goes out to you Lionel Luthor, magnificent bastard that you are.
Pete: (cont) We won't go any further. I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach about now. I better wrap this segment up before I toss my tacos all over this camera. (smirks) Lex couldn't be more obvious about his feelings for Clark. It's sickening the way he drools over him. But that's not such a big deal. My main problem with Lex is that he doesn't even care that he stole my best friend away. He doesn't notice how much I hate him either. He's too busy playing with Clark's telescope. So this seemed like the only way to pay him back. I was going to play the footage of him sobbing like a baby on Oprah about how bad he felt when he was fat, but I need a break right now.
Pete: Stay tuned children, because my next victim is Torch reporter, Chloe Sullivan.......
TBC
Disclaimers: Don't own them.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter 2: Lex Luthor
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: On the outside Lex Luthor may appear to be the epitome of suave. He wears a lot of leather, he's got a new car every week which he drives like it's the General Lee, and he talks like an evil genius, but that's all fake. And I can prove it. (wicked grin)
CUT TO: Luthor mansion, day.
(Lex is doing aerobics in front of the TV. Richard Simmons is on, oh joy! Lex is wearing a pink leotard, white tights and a headband that says 'Princess' on it. He dabs his face with a white towel.)
Richard Simmons: C'mon ladies....let's work it....and one.....and two....
Lex: (smacks his butt, disgusted.) Damn. Look at you, you flabby tushie! You had to eat dessert last night didn't you. You'll never be good enough for Clark. (Starts spanking himself) Never! Ever! Wait a minute....this feels kinda good. (he starts to mumble)
Lex: Oh, Clark! You're so naughty....Mmmmmmmmm......
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Do you need to see anymore? I hope not because it gets pretty disturbing after awhile. I'm not done with this though. Lex should get it the most for stealing Clarkbar away from me. Lex is in Smallville for a few months and then suddenly Clark starts calling him his best friend. And what am I, chopped liver?! Therefore, these next few clips will be revenge on both Clark and Lex. (sneers.) Just roll the freakin' tape.
CUT TO: The Talon
(Clark is sitting at a table with a cappuccino in his hand. Lex enters and Clark's gaydar just hit pay dirt. Clark suddenly dunks his face in the mug, getting whipped cream all over him. Lex comes and sits down across from him.)
Lex: You've got a little whipped cream there, Clark.
Clark: (leans over the table and bats his eyelashes.) Really? (giggles) Clumsy me.
Lex: May I?
Clark: Be my guest.
(Lex pulls a strawberry out of his jacket pocket that he keeps in there for emergencies like this. He takes some of the whipped cream off with it and sticks it in Clark's mouth. Clark sucks on it a long time before taking a long bite, moaning gratefully. Lex pulls it out and bites it to the end.)
Clark: Is it all gone?
Lex: Not quite. (swipes some off with his finger. Puts it in Clark's mouth. Clark purrs and the finger remains in there for about five minutes. Lex pulls his finger out and sucks on it.)
Clark: How does it taste?
Lex: Mmmmmmm..... minty.
(Shot of under the table where Lex's shoe is going up Clark's pant leg. Clark looks like he's on the verge of hysteria.)
Clark: (stops) Damn. My zipper just popped.
CUT TO: Pete
Now strawberries and whipped cream is on the list of things I can never eat thanks to those two. Also on that list are bananas, grapefruit, hotdogs, and chocolate covered raisins. And, I can never ever drink bottled water after watching Lex drink out of one of those blue bottles and then start screaming Clark's name. (shudders)
Pete: (cont) This next clip was shot on location at a small kareokee bar in Metropolis.)
CUT TO: Bar
(Lex is onstage with a mic in his hand. He is wearing glittery eye make-up, heart shaped pink sunglasses, a pink feather boa, a tight red muscle shirt and tight crocodile skin pants.)
Lex: This next tune goes out to my special fella in the audience.....Clark baby, this is for you. (deep breath.) Starts to sing) I've got sunshine....on a cloudy day...when it's cold outside.....I've got the month of May....I guess you'd say..what can make me feel this way...My girl.....My girl.......
(He's interrupted by Clark's Wonderbra and house key being flung onto the stage. The author giggles, imagining Lex on the stage because he might sorta look like Moby.)
Lex: Forget this! (jumps off stage and grabs Clark's hand) Let's blow this joint sugar plum.
Clark: Right behind you, Sexy Lexie!
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: I'm still a little confused about that one. (shakes his head.) Anyway, more mortifying clips.
CUT TO: Park
( Lex and Clark are sitting on a blanket. Lex is braiding Clark's hair)
Clark: You know, Lana invited me to go to Maine with her over vacation. (sighs) I'm kinda scared.
Lex: (trying not to sound jealous) Scared? Why?
Clark: Duh. I've never kissed a girl.
Lex: Haven't you ever practiced with Pete or somebody.
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Hell no!
CUT TO: Park
Clark: Of course not. Eww.
Lex: There's nothing gross about it. You have to learn somehow. Turn to me. (Clark turns) Now close your eyes and wet your lips.
Clark: Are you for real.
Lex: Sure, why not? (kisses him briefly on the mouth)
Clark: (looks excited and happy. His plan is working!) That was pretty nice....
Lex: Okay, let's try it again, only this time with the tongue.
Clark: Be still my heart!
(Their lips meet. They start to french kiss. After a few minutes, they pull away)
Lex: How was it?
Clark: Everything I've ever dreamed of. (goofy eyes, like when he saw Lana in "X-Ray.")
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: Don't get me started on that one. That is not how boys learn to kiss! We learn from kissing posters you idiots!! Yikes....
CUT TO: Kent barn
(Jonathan grunts as he heaves a bale of hay onto a high stack of more hay. Lex enters, singing softly.)
Lex: My body's too bootylicous for ya babe. I don't think you're ready for this jelly...(stops suddenly. Smiles) Hello, gorgeous...I mean Mr. Kent.
Jonathan: (turns around) Clark isn't home, Lex.
Lex: Well, okay. I guess I'll just come back later or something. Um, you dropped a screwdriver there. And now I've got all these ideas in my head.
(Jonathan bends down, and Lex enjoys the view)
Lex: What I wouldn't give for a roll in the hay with you, farm boy.
Jonathan: Huh?
Lex: Um......nothing. (smacks Jonathan's butt and runs away.)
(Jonathan yelps and looks infuriated. He opens his mouth and starts singing the DoH theme. More dubbing. He's really yelling a string of obscenities.)
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: You never, ever, mess with Bo Duke and get away with it. I don't care who you are! But it gets even worse.
CUT TO: Fortress of Solitude
(Lex is looking through Clark's telescope. Clark enters, shirtless and sweaty. He stops, sees Lex, checks him out, and then smoothes his hair.)
Clark: Hey...Lex....I wasn't expecting you.
(Lex doesn't take his eyes away from the telescope.)
Lex: You know if you angle this thing right you can watch your dad changing. (Whistles)
(Now Clark's angry. Frantically he takes off his jeans.)
Clark: Gee, if I knew you were coming I might've put on some pants.
(Lex's eyes widen. He turns around and sees Clark standing there in only boxers. He dives and tackles him)
Clark: You like me, you really like me!
CUT TO: Pete
Frightening, isn't it. You know Lionel Luthor is evil too. He took my family's business away. And gosh darnit I was looking forward to being the Creamed Corn King of Kansas. (plops on a Burger King crown and pouts) This is as close as I'll ever get. (suddenly grins) On the other hand, I feel like Bernie Mac right now. (clears his throat.)
Pete: (Cont) Listen America, have you ever seen a thing like that? Lionel Luthor goes and steals jobs from the black folk. Just watch this. Just look at it. You'll see how screwed up he really is!
CUT TO: Luthor mansion.
(Lionel and Lex are sitting on the floor, each holding a Barbie in one hand, Lex has Police Woman Barbie and Lionel has Warden Ken. Lionel has a Hawaiian flower tucked behind his ear and is wearing an off the shoulder white number.)
Lex: (moving his Barbie around) Frisk me baby! You know you want to!
Lionel: Just let me get my handcuffs baby! (stops) You know I just noticed how blue your eyes are, Barbie dearest.
Lex: (in a low whispery Barbie voice) I've known for years.
Lionel: (in lower, more whispery, attempted sexy voice) I'm not wearing any suspenders.
Lex: Oh, Ken. You don't know what that does to me.
Lionel: Let's find out. (Makes Ken hold up a small plastic key ring.) The keys to Cell Block C.
Lex: Let's go! You can be the naughty convict and I can be your conjugal visit.
Lionel: Hold on a second Barbie. I just want to comb my hair with this neato pink brush!
Lex: Oh, oh, lemme use it too. Pretty please, Daddy? (bats his eyelashes) I love you, Daddy.
Lionel: Okay, sure son. I just love these father son moments. (puts a hula dress on Ken) Wowee! This is FUNtabulous!
CUT TO: Pete
Pete: That goes out to you Lionel Luthor, magnificent bastard that you are.
Pete: (cont) We won't go any further. I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach about now. I better wrap this segment up before I toss my tacos all over this camera. (smirks) Lex couldn't be more obvious about his feelings for Clark. It's sickening the way he drools over him. But that's not such a big deal. My main problem with Lex is that he doesn't even care that he stole my best friend away. He doesn't notice how much I hate him either. He's too busy playing with Clark's telescope. So this seemed like the only way to pay him back. I was going to play the footage of him sobbing like a baby on Oprah about how bad he felt when he was fat, but I need a break right now.
Pete: Stay tuned children, because my next victim is Torch reporter, Chloe Sullivan.......
TBC