David Horton, the parish council president, is presiding. After a Hail
Mary, everyone sits down. Letitia, Frank, Jim, Gerry, Hugo, and the rest
are seated 'round the old wooden table in the church basement)
DAVID: Ok lets get this over with because I have 18 holes I'd like to get in before sundown.
GERRY: Right. Well first up is we have to pick a new annual fundraiser since the Booksalemobile ran off Dibley Road and exploded last fall. Now does anyone have any ideas.
LETITIA: I could make some of my famous tongue and tomato pies to sell!
GERRY: You mean the ones that break pavement when you drop them?
DAVID: I'd much rather eat my own toenails, thank you Letitia.
FRANK (Taking down meeting minutes): David...expresses desire...to eat...own toenails.
JIM: W-W-Well we c-could do some kind of circus or carnival.
GERRY (enthusiastic): Thats a brilliant idea, Frank. That should go over big.
ALICE (in wide-eyed amazement): ooooo...a circus?! We could have bunnies, and doggies, and kitties, and penguins...Lets invite the queen! I wonder if she likes penguins? They walk quite funny (gets up and does penguin-walk. Hugo laughs.)I wonder how they pay for those tuxedos.
DAVID: I do believe we've found our circus freak.
GERRY (ignores David): Thats a very nice idea Alice, but does anyone have any other suggestions? Wait a minute...Wheres Owen??
OWEN: Sorry I'm late but me bloddy tractor malfunctioned and ran down a cuppla sheep. It would have been funny except for the horrible noise they made when they got hit.
GERRY: OWEN! Well anyway, as i was saying, do you have any suggestions for a fundraiser for Good Ol' St. Barnabas Church?
OWEN: We could have an event called "Fix-Owen's-Bloddy-Tractor Day.
Gerry sighs.
HUGO: We could hold a concert of some sort.
Everyone smiles and starts to chatter. It is a good idea.
DAVID: I'm sorry but that is totally out of the question. How could we book such a large name to play in a small village like Dibley by May?
HUGO: You're absolutely right, father. It was a stupid idea. Totally out of the question.
GERRY (amazed and a bit offended): Now wait just a second! I think thats a perfectly good idea, Hugo.
DAVID: Let's be realistic, vicar.
GERRY: I am being realistic, David. I think you are being quite unfair. Now does anyone have any sort of musical talent?
FRANK: I can play the wax-paper and comb kazoo!
ALICE: ooo kazoos!
JIM: I can play the-the-the-the spoons.
OWEN: Do sheep that are screaming when the get hit with a tractor count as a musical instrument?
GERRY: Alriiight. Does anyone know of someone who can sing or dance?
HUGO: Elton John?
LETITIA (excited): You know Elton John?!?
HUGO: No, but I know that he can sing.
GERRY: Ok then, so all in favor of having a concert?...
All except David raise their hands
GERRY: All those not in favor?...
David Raises his hand GERRY: OK. That settles it. A concert there shall be.
Everyone cheers DAVID (sarcastically): whoopie. Meeting adjourned.
DAVID: Ok lets get this over with because I have 18 holes I'd like to get in before sundown.
GERRY: Right. Well first up is we have to pick a new annual fundraiser since the Booksalemobile ran off Dibley Road and exploded last fall. Now does anyone have any ideas.
LETITIA: I could make some of my famous tongue and tomato pies to sell!
GERRY: You mean the ones that break pavement when you drop them?
DAVID: I'd much rather eat my own toenails, thank you Letitia.
FRANK (Taking down meeting minutes): David...expresses desire...to eat...own toenails.
JIM: W-W-Well we c-could do some kind of circus or carnival.
GERRY (enthusiastic): Thats a brilliant idea, Frank. That should go over big.
ALICE (in wide-eyed amazement): ooooo...a circus?! We could have bunnies, and doggies, and kitties, and penguins...Lets invite the queen! I wonder if she likes penguins? They walk quite funny (gets up and does penguin-walk. Hugo laughs.)I wonder how they pay for those tuxedos.
DAVID: I do believe we've found our circus freak.
GERRY (ignores David): Thats a very nice idea Alice, but does anyone have any other suggestions? Wait a minute...Wheres Owen??
OWEN: Sorry I'm late but me bloddy tractor malfunctioned and ran down a cuppla sheep. It would have been funny except for the horrible noise they made when they got hit.
GERRY: OWEN! Well anyway, as i was saying, do you have any suggestions for a fundraiser for Good Ol' St. Barnabas Church?
OWEN: We could have an event called "Fix-Owen's-Bloddy-Tractor Day.
Gerry sighs.
HUGO: We could hold a concert of some sort.
Everyone smiles and starts to chatter. It is a good idea.
DAVID: I'm sorry but that is totally out of the question. How could we book such a large name to play in a small village like Dibley by May?
HUGO: You're absolutely right, father. It was a stupid idea. Totally out of the question.
GERRY (amazed and a bit offended): Now wait just a second! I think thats a perfectly good idea, Hugo.
DAVID: Let's be realistic, vicar.
GERRY: I am being realistic, David. I think you are being quite unfair. Now does anyone have any sort of musical talent?
FRANK: I can play the wax-paper and comb kazoo!
ALICE: ooo kazoos!
JIM: I can play the-the-the-the spoons.
OWEN: Do sheep that are screaming when the get hit with a tractor count as a musical instrument?
GERRY: Alriiight. Does anyone know of someone who can sing or dance?
HUGO: Elton John?
LETITIA (excited): You know Elton John?!?
HUGO: No, but I know that he can sing.
GERRY: Ok then, so all in favor of having a concert?...
All except David raise their hands
GERRY: All those not in favor?...
David Raises his hand GERRY: OK. That settles it. A concert there shall be.
Everyone cheers DAVID (sarcastically): whoopie. Meeting adjourned.