None of these people belong to me. I just borrow them for a bit, and put them back, odometers reading just the same because I drive them home backwards. ;-)
*A poorly lit soundstage, with podiums in a semi-circular layout. In the center of this is another podium. This is where the host, Anne Baskin-Robins, dishes out her particular brand of abuse.*
"Hello, I'm Anne, and this is The Weakest Link, a game show designed to show the average veiwer how totally incompetent they are compared to me.
"Tonight's collection of human sputum is here from the deepest reaches of space, which is, ironically enough, exactly what is between their ears. The crew of the Red Dwarf!"
*Cut to a panning shot of Lister, Rimmer, Kochanski, Kryten, The Cat, "Nicey" Ackerman, Captain Frank Hollister and Nirvanah Crane. Lister waves at the camera childishly, while Rimmer rolls his eyes.*
"Ok, you worthless piles of refuse from a home for the permanently addled, it's time to play... Weakestlink!"
*Dramatic swooping music.*
"The first round is one minute and thirty seconds long, which is almost but not enough time to answer the ridiculously easy questions and make your combined goal of $10,000. At the end of the round, you will all vote for the Weakest link. Start the clock."
*Bling bling*
"And we're off. Lister, who was the first man on the moon?"
"Uh... Buzz Aldrin?"
"NO! Rimmer, when did the Beatles appear on the Ed Sullivan show?"
*A pause*
"1964?"
"Yes. Kochanski..."
"Bank!"
"Who was the inventor of the potato chip?"
"George Washington Carver?"
"NO! Kryten, what is the square root of four?"
"Two."
"Yes. Cat, when was the first Acadamy Awards show to be televised?"
"Uh... uh... I don't know."
"Big smegging surprise there. Ackerman, who played the female lead in Gone With The Wind?"
"Scarlett O'Hara."
"We were looking for the actress who played her. NO! Frank, what do you get when you mix an acid with a base?"
"Water."
"Yes. Nirvanah..."
"BANK!"
"When did the first episode of Friends air?"
"What? Uh... 1993?"
"NO! Lister, who wrote the song, 'Ana Ng?'"
"They Might Be Giants!"
"Yes. Rimmer, which soda pop wouldn't you rather be like too?"
"Huh? Wouldn't you rather be... Dr. Pepper!"
"Yes. Kochanski, who wrote the song 'Rhapsody in Blue?'"
"Ira Gershwin."
"Yes. Kryten, where is the Space Needle located?"
"Seattle!"
"Yes. Cat, who was the voice actor who played Bugs Bunny?"
"Uh... Um... Harry Potter?"
"NO!"
*Groans from the audience, as the Cat just blew a really good chain.*
"Ackerman..."
*The clock runs out. More dramatic music and lighting cues.*
"So. Who's garbage cannon wasn't fully loaded?"
*Nervous chuckle from the audience.*
"We'll find out when we come back to... The Weakest Link!"
*Cut to commercial break.*
"Do you ever feel... less than fresh, mom?"
"Hey! That's my cab! You wanna share the cab? You work in mutual funds?"
"And going and going and going..."
"Taste tests prove..."
"Tonight on a very special episode of "The Left Wing..."
Announcer: Welcome back to the Weakest Link. In the last round, Rimmer was the strongest link statistically, while the Cat was the weakest link. But did the other contestants notice?
"Mr. Rimmer!"
*Rimmer gulps quite audibly* "Yes, Anne?"
"I understand that you failed your exams thirteen times. Is that true?"
"Well, yes, but..."
"So you're stupid as well as incompetent?"
"I wouldn't put the emphasis on incompetent..."
"But you would put it on stupid? Well, let's see who's bazookoid was loaded with blanks. Lister? Who did you vote for?"
"I voted for Rimmer."
"You jammy goit!"
"Why, Lister?"
"Because he's a smeghead."
"Very astute, Lister. Rimmer? Your vote?"
"I voted for the Cat. Stupid Moggie broke the chain."
"Kochanski?"
"I also voted for the Cat."
"Kryten?"
"Rimmer."
"You plastic bastard!"
"Cat?"
"I voted for Trans-Am nostrils. That suit shouldn't be on camera!"
"I'll get you for this, Cat..."
"Ackerman?"
"Rimmer."
"Hollister?"
"Rimmer."
"Nirvanah?"
"I'm sorry, Rimmer. I voted for you too."
*Rimmer stands like a fish, his mouth opening and closing in an apopleptic fit.*
"Well, Mr. Rimmer. Even though you were the strongest link in the last round, you've been kicked to the curb with the rest of the garbage. You are the WeakestLink. Goodbye."
*Backstage*
"They only voted me off because they hate me! It's a conspiracy! I'll get my revenge, don't you worry about old Rimsy-poo!"
"NO!"
"WRONG!"
"Who's the product of a mating between a GELF and a Simulant?"
"Which one of you has the IQ of three car park attendants?"
"INCORRECT!"
"You are the WeakestLink. Goodbye."
"Well, after six rounds, the only two contestants left are Lister and Kryten. They've managed to bank a whopping $15,000 out of a possible $500,000. I don't wish to be rude, but this lot has to be the sorriest excuse for contestants since various members of Star Trek casts were on the show."
"Well, William Shatner I'm not!"
"No, you certainly aren't, Lister. He at least managed to get a nice kiss in."
"Oh really?"
"Mr. Lister, don't do this..."
*Lister flashes a V sign at Kryten and circles the podium to stand next to Anne.*
"You want a kiss, babe? You got it!"
*Lister grabs Anne in a passionate clinch and lays a big sloppy wet one on her.*
Lister awoke from his upper bunk, thrashing and flailing. He rolled off the bunk and landed in a heaping sprawl, tangled in the sheets.
"Man, I've kissed some disgusting things in me life, but that one takes the taco! Blech!"
AN: Man, I really need to get a better hobby.