Without You
A/N: Lala... well, more angst from Lilith... pshh I really should stop listening to this depressing music... Anyway, this fic had slashy (girl likes girl) themes, so if you don't like that, you'd better not read it. The song belongs to Jonathan Larson, creator of Rent. If I spelled his name wrong, Rentheads, please forgive me. Just to warn you, I'm not sure if this makes much sense, because I decided at 3:37 am to eat a lot of those Fun Dip packets, then eat my solid milk chocolate Easter bunny (I'm not even Christian, yet I get crap for Easter. Go figure), and then of course to top it off with a 20 oz. Bottle of Dr. Pepper. Then, of course, I had to go listen to hours of depressing music. This is what the combination yielded. BTW, there are no curses, except in my little quotey thing at the end.
~~~
Buffy stared blankly down at the figure lying on the clean white sheets. Faith was gone... she was asleep, her body alive, but her mind floating somewhere else. This was not Faith, Buffy kept reminding herself. Faith's beautiful, vibrant smile was gone, and her skin was far too pale. Buffy reached down and brushed a strand of hair off of the other girl's forehead, her lip trembling slightly, and she cursed her life. Buffy cursed her abnormality, she cursed whatever powers had decided that she would bear the burder of killing two people she loved.
Not that Buffy would ever admit to loving Faith.
Buffy would visit Faith's comatose body every day. Her lip would tremble, and she would curse, but still she would not admit that she loved this dark, wild woman.
Buffy felt like she was dying inside every time she looked at Faith.
Without you
The ground thaws
The rain falls
The grass grows
Buffy was still looking down at Faith. She cleared her throat.
"Hi. It's, um, it's me again." Stupid, stupid, Buffy told herself. Who else would it be? "I, um... I haven't been by in a while. Sorry about that." Buffy stopped talking again, looking nervous. "I... I haven't really talked to you since... since we were up in your apartment." Since I killed you. "We... we defeated the Mayor." Buffy looked at Faith again. "But you knew that." She broke off again. Talking to a comatose person was almost as awkward as talking to the actual Faith, the one who right now would be raising an eyebrow in amusement at Buffy's shy conversation.
"Jeez, B, what is up with you today?" Faith would ask, all ruby lips and dark eyes. And Buffy would die before ever admitting that she loved Faith.
Without you
The seeds root
The flowers bloom
The children play
The stars gleam
The poets dream
The eagles fly
"I... Angel's left," Buffy continued, ignoring the Faith in her head, the Faith that spoke because the real one could not. "He went after we killed the Mayor. I... think he went to L.A."
"Great for him, B. You planning on moving on from your boytoy anytime soon, or am I gonna have to sit through another sobfest?" the Faith in Buffy's head smirked.
"So Xander's decided to go on a road trip," Buffy continued, moving onto a safer topic. Friends. Friends were nice and safe. "He wants to drive to all 50 states. Willow's flipping out about college, and Oz is characteristically not."
"Typical. So basically what you're saying is that no one's changed a bit in the two weeks I been out," said the imaginary Faith. A smile slipped out of Buffy and she responded without thinking,
"I guess you could say that." A passing nurse gave her an odd look, and Buffy silently reprimanded herself for paying attention to her imaginary Faith. "And I'm just... relaxing. Getting ready for college."
"Waste of time, B," Faith said. "You know you're gonna get kicked out, or have to burn the place down." Buffy nodded slightly at this assessment from the girl in her head. She then shook her head.
"I'm... why am I talking to you, Faith?" she asked quietly. "I know you can't really hear me."
Without you
The earth turns
The sun burns
But I die
Without you
Buffy gently took Faith's hand. It was cold and clammy, and Buffy could feel the sweat in the creases of Faith's palm.
"You have to wake up," Buffy informed the sleeping girl. "You have to. It won't be fair. You get to lie there, and I have to go on like this."
"Like what, B?" Faith's voice, dripping with sarcasm whispered in her ear.
"Like... like this," Buffy said lamely. "Feeling... empty. You were my friend, Faith."
"Right. I was your friend. B, I tried to kill you on several separate occasions, not to mention trying to kill several of your friends, and your boyfriend. I don't think that qualifies as 'friends'."
"No... no, you were," Buffy argued back to Faith's voice resonating inside her head. "We... we're alike, you and I. We're Slayers. And though I would never use my power the way you did... we're still alike." The Faith inside Buffy's head snorted, dark glossy hair falling in her eyes as she shot Buffy a seductive grin. Buffy put Faith's comatose hand down and began digging around in her backpack for something.
"You're too kind, B," Faith said, her voice low and sultry. Buffy shivered, even if the words were only really a memory. She pulled out what she'd been looking for – a stick of Chapstick.
"Your lips look kinda dry," Buffy said as way of an explaination. She uncapped the small stick (cherry flavor) and gently applied it to the other girl's thick, luscious – no, not luscious, not thick, Buffy chided herself again. Extremely dry lips. Which is why I am putting Chapstick on them. Because they are dry. Not because they are beautiful and sexy and because I want to- stop. Don't even finish that thought.
Without you
The breeze warms
The girl smiles
The cloud moves
"Finally coming out of the closet, B?" Faith's voice rang in Buffy's ears. The blonde quickly capped her Chapstick and stuck it in her pocket. "Well, I always thought you liked slaying with me a bit too much. Not that I mind," imaginary Faith eyed Buffy up and down. Buffy pressed her hands to her temples.
"What's happening to me?" she whispered, shaking.
"You're waking up, B. Or cracking up, there really isn't much difference."
"Stop. You're not real. You're asleep. I killed you. Stop talking to me," Buffy whispered again, eyes wide, lip trembling again. She fell into her routine of cursing her life and her fate again.
"Alright, B," Faith said, smirking. "You want me gone, I'll go." Buffy closed her eyes in pain. "But don't think that this will go away. You need me." With that, the little part of Buffy that answered for Faith shut up, went to sleep, leaving Buffy herself very confused.
"I don't need you," she whispered. But it was a lie.
Without you
The moon glows
The river flows
But I die
Without you
Buffy left the hospital, practically running out of the sterilized hallways and clean neat pressed little attentive robots, left it's ordered beds and cots and ran into disorder. Buffy felt better in the disordered world, in it's streets of unpredictable cars and people. Still confused, Buffy hurried to the graveyard to mourn. She felt something in her stir when she looked at Faith, something deep within her... some animal instinct that wanted Faith, that needed Faith.
"I don't need you. I survived without you for eighteen years. I don't need you." Buffy whispered the words to herself like a mantra, but felt them already losing their meaning. She felt everything around her lose itself, the buds on the cherry trees (like the Chapstick she put on Faith's lips)... she felt their beauty wither. Why, Buffy cried to herself, why can't I let her go?
The world revives
Colors renew
But I know blue
Only blue
Lonely blue
Within me, blue
Without you
Buffy put her head in her hands, a single solitary tear dripping down her face to land on the cool gray tombstone she was sitting on. She put a finger in the small salt puddle and lifted the small drop to her tongue, and tasted it. She was going on. Faith was asleep, Faith was gone, and she could still breathe. This was a good thing. After that knife had gone into Faith's side, Buffy couldn't breathe. Buffy let herself cry a little, telling herself it was just because she was confused. Because Buffy would die before she would admit to loving Faith. People didn't love Faith. They left her, or they screwed her over. No one loved Faith, that much Buffy had picked up on by talking to the dark Slayer. But Buffy... Buffy appreciated her. That was it, Buffy thought. She appreciated the other girl's pain, and she appreciated the way she looked, the way those eyes roved up and down Buffy's body, and they way Faith moved...
Buffy put her face back into her hands.
Without you
The hand gropes
The ear hears
The pulse beats
Without you
The eyes gaze
The legs walk
The lungs breathe
Faith's dead face called out to Buffy. "Go on, finish it. Send me to hell, put me out of my pain. Don't just leave me here in pain, B. Get it over with. Don't be such a coward."
Buffy shook her head. She realized now what everything meant. Buffy had managed to convince herself that all she wanted to do was finish the job, to kill Faith, to not leave loose ends. Buffy convinced herself it was a Slayer instinct, and Buffy was most certainly not going to follow up on that particular instinct. She would not become a killer like Faith had.
The mind churns
The heart yearns
The tears dry
Without you
That must be it, Buffy thought happily. Her obsession with Faith was simply unconcious desire to finish the job she had started. That was it. There was no way Buffy felt anything more for the other girl. No way at all. Because Faith was evil, Buffy reminded herself as she wiped away another tear. She was crying because of the other girl's lost humanity. That was all.
Buffy got up off her tombstone and walked away from it, leaving the small puddle of tears behind.
Life goes on
But I'm gone
Cause I die
Without you.
A/N: Love it? Hate it? Didn't care? You can leave me feedback by reviewing or e-mailing me at LilithAD at AOL. So... yeah. Pssh. Must go download some Led Zeppelin now. Pleasant something, people.
--Lilith
"I want some cake, right? I fucking need some cake and I don't see why I should pay for it." –Kill Your Boyfriend