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KISS THE STARS - Chapter 4
"You did what?" Original Cindy cried the next day at Crash; Max took another swig of her beer and said nothing. Cindy saw the pain on her face and touched her shoulder gently.
"So you had an itch," she said. "You scratched it. Ain't nothin' wrong with that."
"But I scratched it with Alec," Max hissed at her. "And what about Logan?"
"Things are still weird between you and him," Cindy said cautiously. "Maybe doing the dirty deed with Alec was your way of sorting things out?" She raised an eyebrow in a prove-me-wrong expression.
"I was in heat, I couldn't control myself," Max reminded her. "And apparently that does something funny to X5 males anyway, so it's not his fault either." That annoyed her; it would have been so much easier to blame all of her confusing emotions on Alec. Her eyes flitted to the bar, where he was sitting nursing the same drink he'd ordered when he first came in almost an hour before. Max frowned.
"I'm not surprised," Cindy was saying. "Males are the more primitive specimens of the human race."
"Uh-huh," Max said, half-listening as she got to her feet.
"Where you goin'?"
"I'll be right back," she said, already walking away; Cindy watched her head over to Alec and rolled her eyes.
"Hey," Max said, taking a seat next to him. He turned to her slowly and she was soon fidgeting under his intense gaze."So..." she began, trying to break the tense silence. "That was a pretty uncomfortable day at work."
"Yeah," he said, turning his eyes away from her and back to his drink, relieving her slightly. All day at Jam Pony they had been avoiding each other, or bumping into one another and making quick apologies before extracting themselves from each other's presence. It was ridiculous, of course; they were acting like a couple of teenagers, and their behaviour provoked strange looks and questions from Original Cindy which had finally culminated into Max's confession of a few minutes before. She sighed.
"What?" Alec asked. She looked at him, didn't answer for a long moment.
"Nothing," she said. He stood up suddenly, grabbing his jacket.
"I'm going to go," he announced, pulling it on. "See you later, Max."
"Are you mad?" she called as he left; he stopped, not turning around.
"Come with me and we'll talk about it," he said. She hesitated, her eyes flitting to Original Cindy, who was watching the exchange from a distance, not hearing the words but reading the body language. She motioned her encouragement to Max.
"Okay," she said, grabbing her own coat, tossing a smile to Cindy, and walking outside into the cool night air with Alec. They walked in silence for a few blocks before she couldn't stand it anymore, and grabbed his arm, halting him. His muscles rippled under her touch, reminding her of how she'd clutched him in passion the night before, sending a shiver down her spine. She let go of him.
"So are you?" she asked. "Mad?"
"Are you?" he countered. She thought about that for a moment.
"No," she answered honestly. He visibly relaxed.
"Come on," he said. "Let's go to my place and talk." He took a step forward.
"We'd better not," she said, hanging back. Alec stopped.
"What's wrong?" he asked slowly. "You're not in heat anymore. Nothing's going to happen." She glanced away, hugged herself without realizing she was doing it. He was gazing at her in that piercing, guarded way that unnerved her, one of his few expressions that didn't incorporate a smile and one of the only times he still reminded her of Ben.
"Don't you trust me?" he asked, soft. She stared at him. Did she? The answer came almost immediately.
"Of course," she said. Again, she saw him visibly relax.
"Then come on," he said. She hesitated once more. He reached out, touched her arm. "It's okay." Max smiled weakly, shook her head at herself in annoyance at her childish behaviour, and went with Alec to his apartment.
"Do you want something?" he asked her when they arrived.
"No, I'm fine." They stood in the living room, facing each other. Max glanced out the window. "It's started raining."
"Yeah, what else is new?" Alec smiled and sat on the sofa; Max joined him gingerly, keeping a wide berth between them. She watched him stifle a sigh. "Max-"
"I- I don't want to," she cut him off. "I don't want to talk about it."
"Well, we're going to have to talk about it sometime," he said. She shrugged uncomfortably, let a long silence pass.
"Then talk," she said finally. He sighed.
"You said before you don't regret it," he said finally. She looked at him; his eyes were sad. "You're not acting like it."
"I don't regret it," she told him firmly. "I just... I don't really know. I should regret it."
"Why?" he asked gently. "You liked it."
"That's not enough, Alec," she snapped, glancing away from him.
"Why not?" He was trying to understand, but all his life he had done things that satisfied him and that's all there was, whether it was completing a mission or doing something that was fun. Max said she'd 'had fun,' so what was wrong? She glared at him for a moment, then softened as she realized he honestly didn't understand. She turned back to him.
"I'm supposed to be in love with Logan," she told him.
"Who said?" he countered; she frowned at this.
"No one... I just-"
"What, so because you've been in love with him for a year it means you always should? Max, it doesn't always work that way from what I understand."
"But it's my fault," she said softly.
"Max, it's not your fault that Renfro put that virus in you, and it's not your fault that your relationship with him isn't surviving this." His voice was gentle. "I'm surprised you lasted as long as you did." When she didn't answer he said, "Besides, we're not talking about love, we're talking about sex. It's different." Max's eyes flickered with something imperceptible.
"Right," she said softly. He stared at her.
"Wait... Max, are we talking about love?"
"No." Her voice was small.
"Yes we are," he realized suddenly. "We're talking about love." He stared at her. "Aren't we?"
"I don't know," she said. "No. Yes." She threw her hands up, getting up from the sofa and pacing. "Maybe." Finally she repeated, her voice shaking slightly, "God, I don't know, Alec!"
"Okay, it's okay," he soothed, reaching for her. She hesitated, then sat down beside him and allowed him to put a gentle arm around her shoulders and pull her gingerly against him.
"I don't know," she repeated, weakly.
"I know," he told her gently. "What do you want me to do, Max? Do you want me to pretend it never happened?" She sat there for so long that he thought maybe she hadn't heard him.
Then she said, softly, "No." He let the word hang in the air for a moment, frightening and exhilarating and dangerous. He took a deep breath.
"Do you want to do it again?" he asked her finally, his voice barely above a whisper; she looked up sharply, searched his eyes for wryness or sarcasm. His face was dead serious. She gazed at him and slowly realized, with a deep stab of pain to her heart, that she did.
"No," she said.
"Me too," he whispered.
"You mean 'me neither,'" she told him.
"No I don't," he said, low in his throat. She swallowed hard, started to pull away from him. He tightened his grip on her shoulder slightly. "It's okay, Max. You can trust me, remember?"
That doesn't help me if I can't trust myself, Max thought, but said nothing. She stayed in his arms tensely until several minutes passed without speaking and Alec sighed, releasing her.
"Why don't you just go home and come back when you've figured this out," he said heavily. Max looked visibly pained at his words.
"That's harsh," she said. He hadn't meant to be insensitive about it, but she was frustrating and confusing him.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean that. I meant-" Max cut him off as she leaned forward suddenly and touched her lips against his, electrifying him. Her lips were at first feather light against his, but then he closed his eyes and deepened the kiss, threading his hands through her dark hair. She clutched at his shoulders and pulled him close.
After a moment Max pulled away, leaving them both breathless. She stood up hastily but Alec got to his own feet right along with her. She wasn't looking at him; they stood there for several moments before he spoke.
"What was that?" he asked gently.
"I wanted to see."
"Did you?"
"I don't know," she said softly. "Maybe." She looked at him and allowed him to reach out, brush a loose strand of hair from her cheek. She leaned into his caressing touch for a moment, closed her eyes and revelled in the feeling. She hadn't had a man's hand against her face in so long, and it was beautiful and soft and uncomplicated just to be touched. It was a basic human need, like food or water, she just hadn't realized it until she'd lost it with Logan. Max snapped out of it at the thought of him and pulled away from Alec, though she had to admit it was with great reluctance.
"If there was no virus," she told him softly. "I wouldn't even be thinking of getting involved with you." She gauged his reaction and asked, "Doesn't that bother you?" He took a step closer to her, kissed her again, long and hard. She touched his cheekbone, trailed her fingers down to his shoulder, feeling shudders ripple through him all the way down.
After a moment he released her lips and dropped a kiss on her temple, then whispered softly into her ear, "There is a virus, though." Max shivered before he pulled back and fixed her with that intense look again.
"Okay," she said, taking a reluctant step back. "I'll see you later."
"Yeah," he answered, and watched as she gave him a weak smile and left his apartment. He was sad to see her go but he knew that she had some things to work out and anything they did now would mean he was taking advantage of her in a vulnerable state. If he did that, he knew there would be no chance for anything more between them, so he let her go. But truthfully, Alec also let her go because the fact was that he actually wanted there to be a chance for something more between them, and that terrified him more than any loaded gun or enemy ever had.