Part: 3/?
Author: PsycGurl
Rating: 13 (a word here and there)
Couples: C/A

Summary: Cordelia has to choose between the two men she loves.
Spoilers: up to Couplet (I live in UK so these are pretty much based on stuff I've read!)
Feedback: I'm a desperate person!
Distribution: Ask me!!!

Disclaimer: Not mine, please don't sue

A/N- I decided to just recap a bunch of episodes into a chapter to show those who don't believe that C/A have gotten closer this season. However, don't forget that I haven't seen most of these episodes yet!!!

Chapter 3

Remembering

As she walked to her apartment, Cordelia thought about all that had just happened. All she was gonna do was train and then she was stuck having to choose between Groo and Angel and the most shocking…his revelation that he loved her. She thought about Angel and she wondered when he started to love her. She recapped all that happened in the past three years since she met him…focusing more on the past few months. Then it struck her.

" How much of a dumbass am I!"

She thought of the way he grabbed her and comforted her closely when she had a painful vision. The way he told her several times he knew her and what she thought. Man, she sure wished she knew what he thought. The way he told her he didn't need vision girl as much as he just needed her. During training how she had to catch his attention several times as he just seemed to look at her a lot and his mind seemed to be in space.

" Oh my god…he was checking me out!!!"

She remembered how jealous she used to be of Fred when she and Angel hung together. How they shared ice cream and went to the movies and how she was all over him because he was 'a champion'. What was it she had told Angel when he said Fred was soothing…oh yeah, " I could soothe your ass off, pal!" She remembered one of Fred's theories on kye-rumption and moira.

" Kye-rumption is when two great heroes meet on a field of battle and recognize their mutual fate."

She remembered how Angel released an evil guy for her and threatened Wolfram & Hart to never go through her to get him or he'd make them pay.

" How sweet of him!" She exclaimed to herself, still walking.

She remembered the way he got insulted if she called him something like fat, an eunuch and melodramatic. She remembered how he had come in once from a training session and just stared at her until she asked him what was up. And when she told him she loved him he was stunned. She now realised he was thinking of it in the non-platonic way. She remembered how hurt she was when Darla returned pregnant and her finding out Angel and Darla had sex. She remembered how much Angel knew he hurt her…how he attempted to make it better. She still pained from that memory.

" Why would he go for his bitchy blonde psychotic ex-girlfriend than her?"

But at least the consequences of that were good resulting in Connor, Angel's baby and at times it felt like her baby. She remembered the moments Angel and her shared with Connor. How he had always told her how good of a mother she was.

" Oh my god he saw me as Connor's mother and I totally blew that off!!!"

She remembered the pain she saw him in when she was in a coma and how he yelled at her for not telling him about the extent of her visions.  And although she saw him go on about her being a rich, spoilt kid she realised what a vision after that was telling her. It didn't hit her then but now she got it…it was after that line. When Angel proclaimed he needed Cordelia and that he couldn't handle this without her. Asking them what it was he felt… they said it was love.

" That's when he realised he was in love with me. Is that why the Powers sent that vision to me?" she thought. Cordelia remembered how Angel and her had ended up sleeping with Connor on the same bed. Waking up was awkward, but in the end he just leaned over to her planted a kiss on her cheek and got up…she touched her cheek still feeling that kiss. And then of course she remembered that night… that night a week ago. When they all went to the ballet and Angel and her became possessed and were a few seconds off from having sex. The memory of their possessed kiss and the sexual moves he did on her came back as she gasped with the memory. Although she knew they were possessed now she understood what Angel was trying to tell her before she forced him back into the dressing room.

" It is us, Cordelia. You and me. And kissing you, it's...it's not something I can just –"

" Oh Cordelia how could you be so thick!!!!" She said to herself still walking towards her apartment. She remembered the way he did that thing…that was good! She remembered the erotic things they did until he slipped her dress off. She remembered the kiss he gave her on her stomach and then they were interrupted…and Cordelia although played the scene in the room…didn't want it to be over. Then when they had beaten the demons she remembered how she was suddenly overcome with lust seeing him all hot with his shirt undone. Cordelia smiled at the memory. She wasn't sure if her mind was possessed at that time. She doubted if it was. And then of course she remembered when they talked about erasing that event from their memories and she had responded, slightly pissed off, with "Was it like disgusting?" and then his reply came…and now it hit her…he was about to confess his feelings then.

"No, I... I would just want, if we were to... I'd want it to be, um, new. Start at the beginning. Cordy, we've been working together a long time, and... I mean you've become... a truly extraordinary woman. I know we haven't always gotten along, but I really think we... you know we..."

Groo…that's when he came along. Now she wanted to damn his return and how she brushed Angel off and ran towards him with open arms and kissed him. And then although kissing Groo at the time she caught Angel retreating upstairs to check on Connor and even though she had just heard Lorne say he was asleep…she got it now. He was hurt because of her. He had brooded because of her. He didn't smile because of her. Because of her. And that was something she never wanted to do. She never wanted Angel to be sad…because of her.