Black rose

Chapter 3: 1st september

Told by Albus Dumbledore

Nervously I walked up and down in my office. In a few minutes Severus would come in to discuss something with me. He had asked me for this meeting right after breakfast. I knew, I would have to explain some things to him. I had already expected this, when I made the decision to employ Muriel Stern.

I had my reasons, why I had chosen her. One of them was of course, that Muriel, after six years practise as an auror, was perfect for this job. She surely could teach the students a lot of especially based on practical work instead of just pure theory. But it wasn't only this…

I sat down at my desk, and tried to arrange my thoughts.

"It will be good for both, to get to know each other." I mumbled.

Today I had had different opportunities to watch Severus. Since last night something had definitely changed. I knew him good enough by now, to see that he had recognized her and was worried.

I hoped he had enough self-restraint to control his temper. Up to mood Severus tended to drastic actions. I knew, how much power he always needed, when the dark Lord summoned his followers. As one of Voldemorts best Death Eaters, he couldn't permit himself any weakness.

I remembered the night, in which Muriel Stern and Severus Snape had met the first time. I had sat a long time in the dark entrance hall and waited for him. Short before he had to go, he had told me, that this was going to be a delicate mission.

The morning had already dawned when he apparated and broke down in the entrance hall. I went to Severus right away and knelt beside him. As I put a hand on his shoulder, he came round. Concernedly I brought him down into the dungeon and helped him to bed. He was completely exhausted. We remained in silence for a while. Then he suddenly asked: "Please, Albus, could you get me the potion from the table over there?"

I nodded and went over there. A small bottle stood there filled with a purple liquid that I knew so well. It was a strong sleeping potion, which Severus brew himself. I gave him the bottle and asked. "That bad?"

With shaky hands he took the bottle and nodded. I was worried, as I had never seen him in such a condition before.

Suddenly he lifted his head and looked at me. His look burned in my soul. Was it really fair to ask this from him?

Then he whispered: „Today I killed six people. An auror I left alive. His voice broke. Then he continued: „I simply couldn't kill her. After I tortured her with the cruciatus spell I put the amnesia-spell on her."

He tried to open the bottle, but it didn't work. So I took out the cork for him and Severus poured down the liquid at once. He closed his eyes and said: „Voldemort was pleased and I got back my position as the second of the command."

I felt that the potion did its work and how he fell asleep. Suddenly he jerked up and held my arm: „He doesn't know it. He doesn't know that I let her go. Nobody knows it!"

„And nobody is going to know it, leave it to me", I tried to calm him and Snape let himself fall back into the cushions. I took his hand and pressed it.

„Would you mind staying here with me until I fall asleep?" Severus asked weakly..

I shook my head, not able to say anything and held on tighter to his hand. He calmed down a little, closed his eyes and whispered „Thanks!"

That was now three months ago...

A light knock on the door was heard and I called „Come in!" The door opened and Severus came in with a black expression.

A bit later....

Told by Severus Snape

Hurriedly I went down the stairs that led from Dumbledores office into he hall. I was torn to and fro between my feelings and what Dumbledore had told me. My head felt as if it would burst. I could not think anymore.

I passed the gargoyle and felt that I had to go out into the fresh air. Suddenly I felt as if I was going to suffocate, if I stayed in the castle for a minute longer. Then I started to run, through the entrance hall, which seemed to be longer than ever before, and out, only out. At last I reached to portal, pulled it open and stormed out into the yard. Surprised looks followed me but I didn't care. Only as I reached the lake I began to slow down, stopped and exhaustedly fell down into the grass.

As I lay in the grass, gasping and the blood bouncing in my ears, I tried not to think and to relax. I closed my eyes and concentrated on the silence with was near the lake. I always came here to think...

Albus had known exactly why I had come to him. He knew it was because of the auror. And as it seems he had chosen Muriel Stern for this job on purpose.

„It is important that we have a good ally whom we can trust. Muriel will hopefully recover soon from her traumatic experiences of three months ago. As soon as it is necessary, I will let her in to it," said Dumbledore.

„And so give her the possibility to extradite me to the ministry? No, you cannot be serious on that, Professor," I answered. „And what if she realizes it was me? That it is me who killed them all? Why should she help me after I cursed her with the Cruciatus until she was un unconscious? It was me who tortured her that way."

„You did it because you were forced to, Severus!" said Dumbledore. „She is an intelligent woman, she will understand.."

„So? Will she really understand?" I shouted now with anger.

I had heard enough, got up and left Dumbledores office. I could hear how he said: „Trust in me, Severus!"

Trust! Whom could I still trust in this mad world?

*****

Suddenly I heard someone softly call my name. „Lily..." I whispered. And again I heard this voice only a bit more impressive. „Severus, wake up."

Wake up? I must have fallen asleep. I nearly jumped! Next to me in the grass sat Muriel and smiled at me. „And? Did you sleep well?"

My eyes burned and I rubbed my face with my hands to wake up completely. I still sat at the lake. No wonder as I hadn't closed an eye the whole night. Now I really felt whacked.

„What are you doing here?" I asked Professor Stern with anger. The fact that it was her who had woken me up did not help to make my mood any better. In contrary.

She didn't seem impressed by my cold voice and only said: „Well I thought you would be interested that the students will arrive here in Hogwarts in a quarter of an hour." With these words she got up and went back to the castle.

„Ahhhhhh, that late already!" With a sigh I let myself fall back into the grass. I had to hurry as hard as it seemed at the moment. I even hadn't changed. So I got up and hurried away.

During the banquet...

Told by Muriel Stern

It was an unbelieving experience. The big hall was full of students who sat along the tables and were talking happily. The hall was beautifully decorated and a there was a festive atmosphere.

Severus managed to appear short before the students. He was quite out of breath, as he had to change. He looked absolutely great in black. Powerful. Unapproachable. When he passed me he touched my shoulder and whispered a nearly silent „Thanks!" to which I answered with a slight nod.

This afternoon I had been to see Hagrid and had asked him about the forbidden wood and the creatures that lived in it. As I went back I had seen Severus run out of the castle as if he was chasen by wolfs. I frowned and followed him. As he arrived at the lake, he had let himself fall into the grass. I watched him a while and asked myself what had ruffled me, but I didn't dare to go to him. As he missed the meeting that Dumbledore held with all the teachers I had already thought he must have fallen asleep there by the lake. During lunch he had already looked very tired.

Suddenly I realized that Professor McGonagall was talking to me. She had asked me something that I didn't understand. But then Dumbledore got up and held a short speech. He explained the rules that every student had to keep and admonished the new students of the first class, not to forget the code for common-room. Afterwards the dinner was opened.

In between I always tried to have a look at Professor Snape. Whenever our eyes met I felt how the blood shot into my cheeks and looked away.

And also today Severus disappeared rather quickly after the students had left the big hall. I too was tired and went into my rooms.

A bit later...

For more than an hour I had thrown myself back and forwards in my bed. I just could not find any rest. I was afraid of the always coming back nightmare and on the other side I always thought of Severus Snape.

Suddenly I got up and was in front of his office before I even thought. „What am I doing here", I asked myself. „I am sure he is asleep."

Told by Severus Snape

I sat at my desk and organized the papers I was going to need for the lessons the next day. The door to the classroom was open and from time to time I heard some hissing sounds. I had to brew my sleeping potion again. It was nearly empty. I wasn't addicted to it. That was something I had always been able avoid. But there were many nights in which I wasn't able to sleep without the potion, not even for an hour.

As I had sat at the teachers table tonight, I had had the possibility to look at the students. Harry looked a bit better than before the summer holidays. But one could still see traces of the horror of the Trimagical Tournament.

Neville had the whole evening not found the courage to look at me. Every time when I noticed that or when he failed in my lessons, I had a bad conscience. What if Voldemorts had spared the Longbottoms and not forced me.... No, I shouldn't think about it. The past one could not change.

Exactly as i wanted to look after my potion again, I heard a knock on my door. And I really was surprised. Normally nobody ever came to see me, at least not at this time of night!

I went to the door and was really curious who dared to disturb me at this time. And while I opened I said angrily: „Who the hell..." There she stood. Muriel. She only wore a long white night-gown and a cloak over it. I swallowed hard and heard her say: „Don't you want to ask me in?"

I hesitated but then gave the way open to let her come in. Now I had found my voice again. „What do you want?" I asked coldly.

Told by Muriel Stern

Shortly after I had knocked, he opened the door. Obviously he hadn't expected any visitors as he had already taken off his robe. He wore only a pair of black trousers and a dark green shirt. This showed his slim figure exactly in the right places. His shirt was open at the neck and seeing this I really felt a bit weak. I hadn't expected that. But I tried not to show it and went in.

„I have to talk to you, Professor Snape." I simply said.

„Can't you wait until tomorrow? I wanted to lay down and that is what you should do too!" he said curtly.

„No it can't wait!" I answered and did as if I hadn't noticed his hard voice. „Hey, are you cooking something in the middle of the night or what is it that bubbles in the other room?"

„That's none of your business!" he answered.

„It's a potion, isn't it? That has always fascinated me. Great. May I have a look?" and right away I went through the door into the classroom and to the cauldron that hung over the fire. Purple smoke rose.

„I didn't allow you to go in here!" he hissed. „ Please go now!"

As I didn't move he came behind the teachers desk and took my left arm and turned me abruptly towards him. „Don't you hear?"

I lifted my head and looked in silent into his deep black eyes. I felt like my legs weakened and my eyes filled with tears. He just managed to hold me. „Hey, don't worry, come." he said softly and lead me back into his office in a chair in front of the fire-place.

„What's wrong with you, Muriel?" he asked as he sat down into a chair opposite of me. „First that in the morning and now this?"

I took a deep breath and avoided to look at him. „It's quite a time now that I cannot get to sleep. Nightmares torture me. Worse than you can imagine. Sometimes I even fear to close my eyes because I am afraid that they come back." I whispered. „During the day then, I feel as if behind every shadow there waits danger."

„I know this feeling." he said in a low voice.

I lifted my head and our eyes met. We looked deep into the others eyes. I had the feeling as if I already knew these eyes. It seemed as if they could look into my soul. It was only a short moment, a part of a second, before the normal cold came back into his eyes. But what I had seen in his eyes, made me shiver. I saw sadness, pain, despair, disappointment but also passion. This man had already lived many things. But was he really „only" a teacher?

Suddenly he got up and said: „You really should go now. Tomorrow will be a hard day."

I followed him to the door. He opened it and let me step out into the corridor. With a smile I said: „Good night."

„Good night and sleep well." he said softly and put a small flask with a purple liquid into my hand. He whispered. „Five drops are enough. You don't want to miss the lessons tomorrow, will you?"

Was there a little smile in his face?

As I went up the stone stairs I turned around again. He still stood in the door and looked at me. My lips said a silent „Thanks" and I went back to my rooms.

TBC