Disclaimer: The characters of Rory Gilmore, Dean and those belonging to the Gilmore Girls world do not belong to me. They are the property of the WB, Amy Sherman-Palladino and affiliates.
Author's Note: So, Chapter Two of Chronicling Babylon is being a pain; it's long and messy. Hence I've settled on a one parter diversion again. This time, the insanity leading me to a coupling I wouldn't normally write.
A Nice Night
They sit in the back seat of her car; the car he made for her. The silence is encompassing and uncomfortable. It eats at them and makes a mockery of their present - their future - in light of their past. She wants things to be the way they were before. She wants him to hold her and be all right with that. But there's a gap between them, in the back seat of the car. A few inches but enough to highlight the distance.
"The stars are nice tonight," she comments.
"It is," he agrees and moves closer to the door, away from her.
"They're so bright and sparkly. The sky is clear as well; the way the night sky can be clear. You know what I mean?"
"No," he whispers it.
She bites her lip; his 'no' loud in her ears. He doesn't know where once upon a time he did. And it's another sign. Another part of the space between. She tries to explain, desperately; to make him understand; the one last shot. "Well, you know how the sky, during the day, can be clear? No clouds. Well, it's the same at night only instead of everything being blue, it's black."
"No, I get that. That's not what the no was for, Rory."
"Then what, Dean?"
"No, I don't want to do this anymore."
"Do what?"
"Do this. Do us."
She wants to cry but she's been crying for months now, silently, in the comfort of her room. It is the inevitable and a sudden surge of resentment fills her. She doesn't want to understand why it must be this way; the diverging paths of their future, of their lives. It doesn't make sense - no reason or logic - why they can't coexist. But they can't. "You don't want us to be an us anymore?" she asks, her voice breaking.
"It isn't about what I want. It's about what is happening and what has to be." His brown hair falls to his face, hiding his eyes. She can't see his soul.
"I still love you," she says as she fiddles with the bracelet he gave her. Another thing he made for her.
"Me too." Gently he gathers up her hands and covers them with his; rubbing them, keeping them warm; cherishing the touch. He's given her so much, he's made her so much and now he's breaking her heart. His heart too.
Her lower lip wobbles and her body trembles, and then she confesses, "I knew. I knew this was coming. I just didn't want to believe."
"I kept putting it off, y'know. I didn't want to believe too. But we were starting to stay an us for all the wrong reasons. I was clinging on because I didn't want to let go. I still don't want to let go." His thumb caresses the back of her had. "I hated Jess because the two of you were friends. And he filled this void I couldn't fill."
"I hated them too."
"Them?"
"The other girls. The ones who could talk to you without the silences. Without the boredom."
"You never bored me, Rory." He defends, argues.
"Just different interests, right? You tried though."
"So did you. One thing they can't say; it's not like we didn't try."
"We tried our damned hardest," she reiterates forcefully, with a dull twinkle in her eyes.
He smiles a little, which surprises him. He thought it would be too painful to smile but it isn't. It's actually nice and easy. "I'm going to apologize for the last few months when I was acting like a crazy, possessive jerk."
"I didn't mind."
"Really? Because I distinctively remember-"
"Dean-" she blushes, a little. "I didn't mean all of that. I wasn't really angry at you. It's more this situation. This stupid situation. It doesn't seem fair."
"Life's unfair," he cracks and smiles a little more when he sees her roll her eyes. "Y'know, as fair warning, every now and then I may lapse into jealous boyfriend mode."
"Every now and then, I might forget myself and call you. Or surprise you after school or at work." Or kiss you.
"I wouldn't mind. We'll still be friends, right?"
"Right. But there'll be that whole awkward, transition period."
"Do you want us to avoid one another?" he asks with ingrained politeness. "If it'll make it easier."
"No," she shakes her head, "we don't have to go that far. Besides we're friends and we live in Stars Hollow. It's not like we can really avoid seeing one another. It'll just be a little weird at first, but we'll get over it. They'll get over it."
"Miss Patty and Taylor will have a field day with the news," he laughs at the thought then pauses in horror, as another thought occurs to him. "But what about, uh, Luke?"
"I'll straighten things out with Luke," she promises.
"Good, because last time with the whole wrestling and being banned from the diner-"
"I know. I know. I'm so sorry about that. I didn't mean for everyone to make you the villain, last time."
"They were just protecting you, Rory. You inspire that in people." He squeezes her hand and thinks how it will no longer be his exclusive right to protect her; to be the one to hold her and kiss her; to make her feel better when she's down. He'll miss that. He already misses it.
"Is it wrong for me to thank you?" she asks shyly, tentatively.
"Thank me?"
"Thank you for being the best boyfriend a girl could have," she explains. "I lucked out. And every other boyfriend after will have to live up to the standard and shadow of you."
He grimaces at the mention of other boyfriends. He's not sure if he's prepared to think that far in the future; not sure how he will be able to handle it, though it is a distinct reality now. She sees the pain in his face and it takes her awhile to comprehend.
"Oh god, that was stupid of me. I didn't mean…I'm so sorry, Dean. I only meant-"
"It's okay. Just…just don't going running into the arms of some other guy right away, okay? Like Jess, for instance."
"Jess and I are just friends."
"Not for his wanting more. He likes you, Rory. He'd be a fool if he couldn't see what a great person you are. That's one thing I can give him. Although I still don't like him much. He's trouble. Just be careful around him, okay?" He pauses to digest everything he has just said. "Wow, I never thought I'd be giving you advice about other guys. Look at how far we've come."
"We came a long way together," she concurs. "And it was nice. Really, really nice. And great." The tears begin to well up against her own volition.
"Hey now, no crying." Gently, he wipes them away; his fingers lingering. Her skin is soft and smooth and if he leaned in just a little he could kiss her. It's in him to just bend that much further and brush his lips against hers but he stops himself. Kissing will only make it harder and it won't stop the inevitable. Besides, they've already broken up. Kissing would be a torture he doesn't need. Instead he pulls back, untangles his hands from hers and leans back on the seat, gazing at the stars. "It is a nice night."
"I always loved this. You, me, and the night." She looks at him, not looking at her. And he's never seemed more beautiful to her than he does now. So far away, so distant, so unattainable and yet there, right in front of her. She wants to run her hands through his hair and straighten that collar of his but she doesn't.
They sit in silence again, less uncomfortable and less strained. It's almost peaceful and she might be able to fall asleep in the back seat of her car, with Dean a few inches away. The moon is almost full and shines a pale glow down upon the world; down upon them and the car. It really is a pretty night.
She wants to hang onto this moment a little longer because tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow there will be the awkwardness, the inquiries and sympathetic calls from neighbors, friends and the general populace of Stars Hollow. Tomorrow there will be chocolate, ice cream, junk food and commiserating with her mom and Lane. Tomorrow and the days after, the reality of not being together - not being Rory and Dean - will sink in. She wants to memorize the way he looks; the way she only knows him in this moonlight. After tonight it will be all she has and her Dean box, and his friendship. And it'll have to be enough.
"It's late," he finally says as he looks down at his watch. "We better head back. I don't want your mom to get mad at me."
"Yeah, time to go." They clamber back into the front seats and she starts the engine and turns on the headlights. The engine roars to life and she shifts the gears and drives away. The moon and the stars still shine down upon them, and it is a nice night.